New polling data reveals that Republican presidential candidate John McCain’s “luck quotient”, or “LQ”, has skyrocketed of late, and that he now only lags behind Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner (Go ahead. Subscribe here. You know you want to.) as the most fortunate senior citizen alive today. The study, conducted by the AARP, was released earlier this week.

“When we luck at a person’s LQ we take many things into consideration,” said Jack Murphy, the designer of the study. “Obviously we look at the number of good things that has happened to the individual. We also look closely at the quality of the good fortune in each instance. When we totaled all of these factors up, Senator McCain was found to have an LQ of 198. To put that into perspective, Hugh Hefner has an LQ of 227, while Arthur Sanderson, an octogenarian with dementia from Burlington, Vermont who became lost in the woods and was eaten by feral cats, had an LQ of 3.”

McCain’s string of good fortune was not lost on one veteran senior watcher.

“This guy must have shamrocks for nipples and a horseshoe for a spleen,” said firebrand senior citizen pundit Buford ‘I Remember When Gas was 1/10 Cent Per Gallon’ Jackson. “First he rises from the dead and despite looking like Gollum with advanced leprosy manages to somehow slip through the Republican nomination process. Then he gets to watch Obama and Clinton whack the hell out of each other for the better part of the past year while he sits back, sips tea and bones up on ‘Conservatism For Dummies’. I’m not a betting man, but if I were I’d say that Senator McRabbit-Foot there might want to schedule in ‘Bingo Night’ at his church before his luck changes.”

(In honor of “Warman Wednesday” we are reprinting our tribute to the noted free speech warrior to the north. Be sure to visit Michelle Malkin for a complete round-up of the day’s festivities. Also be sure to visit our store. All proceeds are still going to benefit the Canuck-6. We have raised $125 so far, and are aiming for $250. Please help them out!)

In maple leaf land roams a man most unique

So sit back and relax, for your interest he’ll pique.

He goes by the handle Richard Warman, Esquire

But others might call him a professional crier.

Yes, Richard has endured greetings far less than warm,

Why? Many say it is simply poor form.

Or maybe it’s just that he’s misunderstood,

For in his heart Richard only strives to do good.

I am quite perplexed by these terrible letters,

From those not accepting their Islamic betters.

Are burkas so bad? Must women learn?

Why make flags flammable if they weren’t meant to burn?

“Free speech” is always their rallying cry,

But please, is it “free” if your words make me cry?

For that is the crux of the matter you see,

Richard has a soul far more gentle than thee.

He holds housefly funerals, gets choked up by rain!

Far more than Bill Clinton, he does feel your pain.

He hugs the crushed chips in the big bag of Lays,

When he heard Waldo was lost, he sobbed nine long days!

And if there comes a time that you must controvert him,

Please use sticks or stones, ‘cuz words surely will hurt him.

More likely to sip a cosmo than a lager,

What really gets him verklempt are those neo-con bloggers.

Oh the words that they use oh those words, words, words, words!

Each one that they write gives me fits, flots, and flurds!

Don’t they realize just what their scary ideas might do

If there were no Richard Warman protecting you?

That Ezra Levant published Mohammed cartoonies,

Free Dominion is chock full o’ right wingy loonies!

Kate McMillan’s mean prose always gives me a frown,

And Kathy Shaidle maintains that I pee sitting down!

Did you know Jonathan Kay of the National Post

Is Hitler’s first cousin, far more vicious than most?

With his pluck and his grit, Richard takes on these cads

Else their cruel words leave hapless folks feeling quite bad.

At the top of the heap is that villain Mark Steyn,

Who I’ve chosen to let slide just this one time.

That Steyn is a scoundrel, he fills me with dread,

But damned if I can get that man out of my head!

That distinguished beard, oh-so-perfectly groomed

The accent that’s made many mere mortals swoon.

South African? British? I can’t quite detect,

But when he speaks, ‘neath my belt the blood all defects.

That hiney, those pecs, fairly make me scream out,

“Hey there big guy, you been working out?”

But alas, as you see, I’ve begun to digress

(As often happens to me from his pure Steyninesss).

Though briefly distracted from his most noble of causes,

Richard Warman, Esquire takes the shortest of pauses.

Then quickly returns to the business he should,

Filtering mean speech for the far greater good.

Tis a burden quite great, to you I confess,

Having always to judge for my country what’s best.

If I let my guard down for even a sec,

Why your minds would be filled with the most vile dreck!

What, you might ask, drives this warrior on?

What makes him right wrongs from late dusk until dawn?

Some say as a child he received one wedgie too many

From Dalton, Ned, Zeke, and that one-legged dwarf Benny.

He limped home that night, quite embarrassed and swollen,

And commenced extracting his briefs from his colon.

And when he was calm, and his insides undressed,

He looked in the mirror and whispered one word: “unless.”

Unless I fight back, unless they all pay,

Other kids might get super-wedgies today!

Or-even worse- someone might speak to them curtly,

And leave them with feelings all injured and hurtly.

Or, horror of horrors, disagree with their themes,

Rendering their lives battles ‘gainst low self-esteem.

So pay they all must, for I will make a stand

How much? I’d say roughly ’bout fifty grand.

PLEASE SUPPORT OUR CANADIAN FRIENDS

After bursting onto the Republican presidential scene with much fanfare last year, Fred Thompson’s star slowly, methodically, and inexplicably burned out. Some say his heart just was not in the race. Others opined that he was ill-prepared for the fast-paced world of presidential primaries. Still others maintained that Thompson’s age was the biggest contributing factor to his lack of enthusiasm, and eventual poor showing. However, Thompson (the star of such smash films as Die Hard II: Die Harder and The Hunt for Red October) himself paints a very different picture for the reasons behind his unsuccessful bid for the presidency.

“Look, I’ve never been one to beat around the bush, so I’ll be very blunt about my campaign,” said the former Law & Order star. “I tanked it. I was just dialing it in. Self-sabotage. The fix was in. Why? I’ll tell you why. Jimmy Carter hasn’t been looking well lately. The eyes are droopier than usual. His shoulders are just a bit more hunched than in years past.

“He’s got the scent of death all over him. In fact, the Vegas line on him dropping dead within the next four years is 2:1. Now math was never my strong suit, but I reckon this all means that the next President is likely to get the oh-so-special treat of eulogizing Jimmy Carter. And truth be told, folks, I’d rather inherit a depression than have to speak kindly about the peanut-farming, terrorist-loving merchant of malaise.

“I mean, how would that have gone? ‘What more can I say about this man that the Iranian mullahs, Hamas, and the U.N. has not already said?’ Or, maybe, ‘Jimmy Carter. No other president had anywhere near the number of passport stamps from the Middle East as this man.’ Better yet, ‘Boy, he sure could build the Hell out of some low-income housing, huh?’ Thanks, but no.”

In his own inimitable manner, Thompson went on to assess his chances had Carter been in better health.

“Could I have won the presidency? Does a jackrabbit bask in the moonglow when the crow flies at half mast through the briar patch?”

“Bowling. This is when they roll a large black orb down what appears to be an old runway from an exotic dancing club, with the aim of knocking over ten large, white pins.”

Are you tingly with anticipation?

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Visit the TNOYF store to buy and all profits go to the legal defense fund.

We’re still working on this new design, but seem to be struggling with approvals….stay tuned for updates…

We’re struggling a bit with how best to feature Canadian Whiner Extraordinaire Richard Warman on a new t-shirt design. Please review the images below and help us by voting. Please keep in mind that, based on previous experience, we fully expect Cafe Press to yank our Richard Warman images, so you may have to move quickly to get a shirt or mug. Perhaps we should call it the “limited edition” Richard Warman line.

For those of you who’ve been otherwise disposed, Richard Warman is the Canadian man-child who has sued 5 Canadian bloggers whose words, he alleges, have caused him mild to moderate discomfort that can only be remedied by $50,000. Mr. Warman also believes that extra long sideburns mask chronic male pattern baldness, but as far as we can tell this has nothing to do with his lawsuit. So far.

TNOYF’s Buckley F. Williams unearthed these 9 Little Known Facts About Richard Warman.

Please keep in mind that TNOYF will contribute all profit from sales of merchandise related to the utter nonsense going on in Canada to the legal defence fund (see, we even use Canadian words– do not question our seriousness!) of the bloggers involved. So buy a Free Ezra Levant mug, or a “It’s My Bloody Right To Do So T-Shirt” shown below. Or peruse the store.

Now, to the Richard “Dick” Warman images!

Gollum-Richard Warman

Garden-Gnome Richard Warman

Tie-Dyed Infant Richard Warman

Good day everyone. Today I will be speaking with Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton about her recent difficulties with “misspeaking” as she relayed details of a trip to Bosnia in 1996. Welcome Senator Clinton.

Hi Brit, it’s great to be here today. I’ll be glad to finally clear the air over this very unfortunate incident.

Now Senator Clinton, you claim that you simply misspoke when you said that you came under sniper fire during the trip. Yet, you provided vivid details of the incident and even described, quite convincingly might I add, how you had to duck for cover. Isn’t this more than simply misspeaking?

Is it Brit? Are we going to parse words here today? Is that what this is about? Because if that’s the case, I have a few examples of times you yourself have misspoke. January 23rd, 2005, during a segment on global warming, you pronounced “arctic” as “ar-tic.” On national television. Twice. So which was it? Were you lying or misspeaking? You can’t have it both ways.

Senator Clinton, that is hardly the same…

March 9th, 2006, during an interview with John McCain you pronounced his last name “Mah-cane” instead of the more widely accepted, and might I add proper, “Mick-cane.” What do you have to say about that?

I think we’re getting off track here, Sen-

Not much fun to be put under the microscope is it?

Senator, I hardly think swallowing the first “c” in arctic and your fanciful creation of a riveting drama involving snipers on a dangerous Balkan runway fall into the same category.

Tom-a-to, tom-ah-to, Brit.

Okay, for the sake of argument, and my rapidly fading sanity, let’s say that the recollections of your trip to Tuzla simply involved “misspeaking.” What many people find disturbing is the fact that there seems to be a pattern of extreme exaggeration at best, and outright deceit at worst with regards to your handling of truth and facts. In fact, let’s take a look at a photograph from your website under the section,”Hillary’s Heroic Deeds.”

Yes, that’s one of my favorites.

The caption reads, and I quote, “Showing a strong willingness to cross the aisle to help a fellow human being, Hillary Clinton fearlessly throws her body in the way of gunfire to protect former President Reagan. FBI experts agree that her actions likely saved the president’s life on that fateful day.” Do you honestly expect people to believe that you were present during the attempt on President Reagan’s life?

Pictures don’t lie Brit. And quite frankly, the memory is a dark one for me, so I’d prefer not to discuss it in any detail…

Of course you wouldn’t. Well then what about this next one?

Well that one certainly brings back memories! Good ol’ TR. I still remember storming the hill with him that day. Only at the time, it was known as “storming the mount.” Teddy changed it to “storming the hill” out of respect and admiration for my bravery during the battle.

You know, you don’t even bat an eyelash when you say these things.

Thank you. I’ve been told I have excellent control over my facial muscles.

Surely even you must admit that this next picture stretches the limits of credulity. Your website claims that you were a very influential senior aide to General Grant during the Civil War.

I am really glad you brought this up, Brit, because it will give me the opportunity to clear up two huge misconceptions. First, I clearly have a vast repository of military experience to draw on. And second, it proves that I was a huge Yankee supporter even before I began my Senate run in New York State a few years back.

Senator Clinton. Your presence in the Civil War would mean that you’re…what…165 years old?

I think you know better than to ask a woman her age, Brit.

Wow. Just, wow. You know, I’m going to take a little different approach for the remainder of our time, partially because I’ve lost the will to speak. I’m simply going to put up a photo and let you tell our viewers what it is we’re looking at.

You could have saved yourself a great deal of aggravation if you had simply employed that strategy from the get-go, Brit.

Someone just run the pictures, please. For the love of God.

D-Day. Ike thought my experience at San Juan Hill and Gettysburg would be valuable.

Ah, Saddam’s spider hole. Do you have the photo of the delousing I performed shortly afterwards?

The Miracle on Ice! Boy, we really shocked the Ruskies.

I see you lost a tooth.

Actually, goalie Jim Craig still has that tooth in a locket he wears around his neck.

Sweet mother of Jesus. Kill. Me. Now.

OK….here I am discovering fire. That’s Gorg in the background poking the fire, or as he called it, “ARRGGGHHH!”

Jimmy, can I get a double arsenic, neat?

Grab some popcorn.

“Go ahead, infidel.  Watch it. I dare you.”

Another comment today from Amsterdam, this one on TNOYF’s Mohammad Brand Products post.

To the ass that made these insults to our prophet, I want to tell you that this life will end soon & the rest is for allah the god of everything & there you will see how fun have these pictures, & I’m sure that you don’t know anything about this great prophet because if take a look in his history you can estimate what mistake you are doing now. -Musil

Dear Musil:

Thanks for your recent comment at TNOYF. We’ve been amazed at the recent growth of our Amsterdam fanbase, largely made up of young, passionate people like yourself. Please be sure to visit our store and get yourself a t-shirt or mug.

However, you seem a bit distressed, what with all the “life-ending” chatter and such. Normally I’d dismiss it as simply your having a bad day– a traffic jam on the way to the mosque, a stoning canceled due to inclement weather– but we’ve received a couple of these types of comments, and it has us rather perplexed.

Our intent with developing and designing Mohammad brand products is completely genuine. The Muslim world is sitting on a goldmine of opportunity, and we feel it would be irresponsible to not point it out. We can’t sit idly by while some silly fear of eternal damnation suffocates free enterprise!

Companies crave brand loyalty, Musil. It’s where market share battles are won and lost. So I ask you: what good Muslim would choose the store brand bread crumbs over Mohammad Brand bread crumbs? The few rupee he saved would be a small comfort when he’s being slowly devoured by red ants for all eternity.

Please, Musil. Think.

Best Regards,

RH Potfry

Managing Editor

P.S. Have you seen Fitna? It changed my life!

An anonymous Democratic party official said yesterday that Hillary Clinton remains in the race for the Democratic nomination only to pursue “the Tonya Harding option.”

Exit question: Do you think they were referring to this Tonya….

Or this one?

Melanie Morgan has uncovered a letter from an anarchist website that provides us with a glimpse into the mindset of a person who would actually identify himself as an anarchist. The person who penned the following article is upset with the United States Marine Corps. heavy-handed behaviors which include everything from existing, to recruiting more Marines, to fighting for the rights of Americans (including anarchists) around the world.

Since anarchists by their nature are opposed to organization, we added our thoughts in italics and bold for purposes of clarification.

Fuck state power (I like the way you jumped right in and used your “important voice.” This should erase any doubt that you are a serious-minded individual who is looking to test his carefully crafted viewpoints in the arena of ideas.) ! And let’s be clear (I thought you people liked “nuance?”), the right wing groups like A Gathering of Eagles, and Move America Forward, are not only all about state power (they are for lower nacho prices too), but they want state power to be used to crush us (That’s patently false. I want to see you crushed by good old fashioned, grassroots power. Or a meteor.). They represent the most reactionary elements of the state (As opposed to someone like you, who comes from the calm, measured, and reasonable school of thought) which support the most disgusting acts performed by “our troops,” (If by “disgusting acts” you mean protecting “protecting radical treasonous douchebags,” then you might be on to something here) from the bombing of Falluja to the torture of Iraqi civilians, to supporting the mercenary pigs of Blackwater. (Looks like someone is putting his new copy of “Flowery Rhetoric For the Budding Young Rabblerouser” to good use!).

You can argue that world can’t wait, Answer, and code pink are authoritarian groups, (you could also argue that the blood trickling from my ears right now is a direct result of my reading your poorly crafted, yet logically retarded ramblings) but who do you see wielding the ax at your throat the most, right now as you read these words (Wait…I know this. Paul Bunyan? Nope, that’s not it. Jack Nicholson? No. Oh I know, a semi-literate asshat who lives in his grandma’s attic and gets an erection over the thought of dead American soldiers.) ? What is needed right now is direct confrontation of these right-wing assholes (Actually, I agree completely. You should challenge one of the Marines to an Ultimate Fighting match. Or do you mean the other kind of direct confrontation? The one where you leave a bicycle with explosives in front of the recruitment office and then flit away like a scared kitten?) who are coming to our area (I thought they were all overseas stealing oil and raping baby harp seals? Stick to one line of thinking, will you please?) , in order to silence and keep us in line (oink!) (Mmmm. Bacon.).

Think what great advancement and opportunities will come if the Marine station closes down (Let me guess. You’re hoping for a coffee shop that hosts a regular “poetry night” so you will finally get the recognition a person of your talent deserves), we can already see the great amount of debate and polarization that is happening just by challenging (I checked the thesaurus on this one, but I couldn’t find “challenge” as an alternative word for “blowing up”) the existence of one military recruitment center. Let’s turn up the heat!!! (You’ll be sorry if you do. There’s not much worse in this world than the smell of baked patchouli and stale ass.)”

TNOYF is undergoing some minor surgery, thanks to the skilled hands of Kate from Electric Venom.  If you notice anything askew, akimbo or awry, that is why.

For the average person who has not had the opportunity to sit next to Helen Thomas at a White House Press briefing during the tenure of a Republican president, the inner workings of Hell remain a mystery. Certainly there is much conjecture and supposition about the goings-on in the Underworld, but no hard facts. Until now. Our Senior Hades Correspondent has once again gone above and beyond the call of duty with his most recent expose.

Without further ado we present The Top 9 Little Known Facts About Hell:

9. A new survey of Hell residents revealed that the “After Hours Riverfront Joyride With Ted Kennedy” simulator remains the least popular form of torture in Hades for a record seventh consecutive year. Coming in second once again is the “Be Bill Clinton’s Intern’s Dress For A Day” experience.

8. Every Thursday is “Nachos & Sodomy Night.”

7. The Devil’s brother Raul remains the odds-on favorite to replace him when the Devils multi-millennial term expires in 2010.

6. The Devil has said he will never release Stalin regardless of how many times George Clooney protests that he was simply a “man ahead of his time.”

5. Despite receiving numerous proposals from House leader Nancy Pelosi, the Devil has refused to create an official George W. Bush wing. However, the Devil was quoted as saying that he is excited about the prospect of Jimmy Carter’s impending death, and the much anticipated “Habitat For Inhumanity” project that will follow soon after.

4. The Devil has never in fact been down to Georgia, but he has attended a number of continuing education conferences in Berkeley.

3. Fidel Castro will celebrate his twelfth anniversary a week from Tuesday.

2. Hell residents who exhibit exceptionally poor behavior are forced to watch Gymkata on a loop for eternity, as Robert Byrd explains the political repercussions of the film in great detail, while doing his spot-on Susan Estrich impersonation.

1. While everyone knows that “666″ is the “Number of the Beast,” fewer people are aware that “”777″ is actually the “Number of the Beast’s Second Cousin,” Irving Phlegmburg.

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