9. Accepted a job as an expert judge on Fox’s new reality show, “Making the Totalitarian Despot.”

8. Tired of all of the toxic pro-American sentiment in Cuba, he’s going to move in with Michael Moore for awhile. Just to get himself grounded again.

7. Has been hired as an economic development consultant by the City of San Francisco.

6. Wanted to have more time to throw rotten food and feces at all of the librarians, authors, and political dissidents he has jailed.

5. Headed to a more technologically advanced country like Haiti or Sierra Leone to receive more cutting edge health care in his dying years.

4. Moving to America and running for president on the Democratic ticket to offer voters a more moderate choice.

3. After holding out for decades, finally took a position as the crazy uncle who lives in your basement.

2. Isn’t really stepping down. He was just filming an elaborate hoax for Ashton Kutcher’s hilarious show “Punk’d: Havana Style.”

1. Heard there was an opening for a Senior Human Rights Editor at the New York Times.

The video version of this Top 9 List is viewable at the TNOYF You-Tube page.

Fidel Castro announced today that he would not seek a new term as Cuba’s president, citing concerns that at 81, it may be difficult for him to serve the full, constitutionally-mandated 49 year term.

In a statement, Castro said, “My elemental duty is not to cling to positions, much less to stand in the way of younger persons like my 76 year old brother Raul. It’s time I delivered on the promise I made to him as a youngster: ‘Raul,‘ I said, ‘you keep my cigars lit, and maybe someday I will let you run Cuba.’ Well, that day has come, and I trust that the good people of Cuba remember that Fidel knows what’s best for them when they decide on my successor.”

While the exact nature of Castro’s ailments have not been disclosed, many suspect he suffers from chronic fatigue syndrome.

Earlier today the White House released some of the details of the controversial new relief package to North Korea. The aid, dubbed “Project 2111″, will come primarily in the form of peanut butter and is expected to make an immediate impact on the North Koreans.
“Peanut butter, while far from being the cure-all that is Nutella, is in fact high in protein and unquestionably tasty,” said UN spokesman Hans Guilliame. “Even better, no animals were killed to make it. I am most pleasantly surprised by the American’s decision. Perhaps they are ready to join the world community after all.”

In the past, there have been concerns that humanitarian assistance to North Korea has been co-opted and used by the government and the military, rather than being distributed to the general population. However, even the most ardent critics of the plan appear willing to take this chance.
“Sure, there have been instances where aid has been misappropriated,” said one Republican senator. “What are you gonna do? It happens. The important thing is getting the relief to that poor country.”

In a related story, the city of Chicago has graciously donated their entire stockpile of 1982-era Tylenol to the North Korean relief effort.

China’s more tolerant view of gays in the military is clearly on display here as this soldier demonstrates the traditional “Beijing March of the Happy Endings” on his stoic comrade.

Click here to visit TNOYF’s new on-line store!

Guest Editorial-

by Saddam Hussein

Let me just start off by saying that I never cared for Hugo Chavez. The over-sized head. The photo-ops with that horrible Cindy Sheehan. His brash statements of anti-Americanism (which always seemed just a bit over the top to me).

On top of all those things, he has always reminded me of a fatter Adam Sandler. And I hate Adam Sandler. Why? Because no matter where I am, whenever I think of that evil comedic genius I always giggle like a schoolgirl. And the duly elected leader of Iraq cannot afford to be made to look like a giddy adolescent. If only the scores of assassins I have dispatched over the years to kill him had been able to prevent themselves from cracking up in his presence… But I digress.

No matter my personal opinion of Chavez, as one world leader to another, I feel I must let my thoughts be known.

Which leads me to the results of the recent Venezuelan election. Mr. Chavez was voted in as president with, depending on which polls you believe, anywhere from 65-70% of the vote. That’s it. 65-70%.

So what does our hero do next? That’s right. He claims his victory is a “mandate from the people.” A mandate! In Iraq, receiving 65-70% is called an earth-shattering loss. An unspeakable rout. I remember the year when I only received 99.8% of the presidential vote. I was disconsolate. Not quite as much so as the dissenting .2% ended up being, but pretty broken-up nonetheless.

Did I go out and brag about my “mandate?” Hell no. I put my nose to the grindstone, vowing that I would never have such a poor showing again. Several hundred mass graves and fours years later, I was back on top with 107% of the vote.

Mr. Chavez, you are fortunate to still be in office. My advice to you is this; look at this as a second chance, redouble your “reach-out efforts” (if you catch my drift) and you may just survive this debacle. 

Lynne Stewart, the feisty, firebrand, civil-rights-attorney-by-day, Manhattan-grandmother-by- night,  who is currently battling breast cancer after a lifetime of advocating for the poor and downtrodden*, received what many feel was a light sentence from U.S. District Judge John G. Koeltl yesterday.

Stewart was sentenced to 28 months (out of a possible 30 years) in prison for smuggling messages out of prison for World Trade Center bomber Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman.

“I knew we were up against it the first day we entered the courtroom and Judge Koeltl had the court stenographer in a burka,” said assistant U.S. attorney Wilson Sanders. “I was hoping we’d get a fair shake. All is not lost though. We still have several felony dental charges pending against Ms. Stewart and we also plan on prosecuting her for her reckless indifference to dozens of the city’s slovenly statutes.”

Stewart’s attorney says he plans to appeal the ruling on the grounds that “prison always causes her gout to flare up.”

*Editor’s note: We apologize if we missed any of Ms. Stewart’s descriptors. To double check our work, please feel free to visit Newsday, the small of Cindy Sheehan’s back, The New York Times, Sean Penn’s diary or Al Jazeera.

Guest Editorial-

by Kim Jong Il

I have been catching quite a bit of flak over the past few years, and in particular since yesterday, over our nuclear ambitions here in the Democratic Republic of North Korea. Apparently the nuclear test that we just held has greatly unsettled many in the world community and I am sensitive to that.

Furthermore, it appears that my harmless jokes to “annihilate the planet” and “make the rivers of the world flow with the blood of the round-eyes” have been taken seriously by some and for that I am deeply regretful.

I can understand that people are a bit uneasy over the prospect of a country like North Korea having nuclear weapons. I truly can. That is why I am here today to extend an olive branch to the rest of the world.

As of midnight tonight, North Korea will no longer have a nuclear weapons program. Not only that, North Korea will no longer have missiles of any kind. She will have neither a standing army nor any firearms of any make or model. She will not have knives, throwing stars or nu-chucks.

Many of you are likely asking yourselves, “How is this possible?” Simple. Because as of midnight tonight I am changing the name of the Democratic Republic of North Korea to “Kimjongillinois”. I have always been a Cubs fan anyways and I figure I’d kill two birds with one stone. So any-hoo…

Ha ha! Gotcha! Did you really think you could push Kim Jong Il around? Did you really think that I’d let you ignore me just because it’s an election year? Did you really think I wouldn’t remember that f***ing Team America movie? Think again.

Our demands remain the same:

• every last green M&M on the planet
• Elvis’s remains
• the Colonel’s secret recipe
• a tuft of Madeline Albright’s chest hair
• some Mark Foley bukake pictures

See you in hell c***-suckers! 

The “World Can’t Wait: Day of Mass Resistance” held yesterday in Union Square, provided a venue for individuals with widely varied and far reaching agendas to mingle and strategize. Harmony Sanderson, (left), a vegetable rights major at Berkeley, attended the event to “demonstrate against the unelected murderous Nazi George W. Bushitler” and to “try him for crimes against humanity.” Meanwhile, NYU student Brent Tucker (right) noted, “I’m just here to get some strange.”

Photo via El Marco (full slide-show here); H/T: LGF 

The “World Can’t Wait: Day of Mass Resistance” held in New York City yesterday brought out more than a few dignitaries who were quite vocal in their opposition to President Bush and his “evil” policies. Pictured above is one such expert on evil, Adolf Hitler’s former kindergarten teacher Frau Hassenfeffer, who was in attendance to issue her verdict on the American leader.

Photo via El Marco (full slide-show here); H/T: LGF 

Haircut- $.15 U.S. (after purchasing any lunch special at Domingo’s Casa de Libertad in downtown Caracas)

Suit- $.35 U.S. (thanks to lax Venezuelan child labor laws)

Cab fare from LaGuardia to Turtle Bay- $275.25 ( could have been much higher as there was some construction going on, luckily his cabbie knew a shortcut)

Calling Bush “the devil”- Free (plus a round of applause led by Iran, Cuba and France thrown in for good measure)

Getting laughed at by the women sitting behind you at the United Nations General Assembly because you cited Chomsky- Priceless

(AP Photo/Julie Jacobson)

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez berates a reporter during the G-15 meeting at the Non-Aligned Movement summit in Havana yesterday. The man drew Chavez’s ire when he asked: “Obviously American football is not popular in your country, so how were you able to prepare so thoroughly for your role in The Waterboy?”

However, it was the reporter’s follow-up question about “putting on weight for an upcoming role” that sent the Venezuelan President into a rage.

Cuban officials said that the reporter would be made available for comment after he completes the “Happy Sunshine Fun Cuban Re-education Program: (Now With 20% More Puppy Kisses)“. (Enrique de la Osa/Reuters)

In what can best be described as an attempt to move their party back towards the political center, the Democrats today announced the “Castro-Carter 2010″ initiative, which is quickly becoming known as the “Bearded Malaise” ticket.

“Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, George Soros, The Democratic Underground- they have really taken the party too far to the right,” stated Carter-Castro spokesman Nathan Lemieux. “What we hope to do is return the Democratic Party to it’s glory days of unrestrained capitulation towards anti-American aggression. We think that we have put together the right candidates to do just that.”

Although Castro is not technically a United States citizen, lawyers from the ACLU are working hard to find a loophole that would allow him to run.

“It speaks volumes about our country that in this day and age, a man of Mr. Castro’s accomplishments and stature can have his civil rights trampled on in such a way,” said ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “I’ve defended pedophiles, murderers and pickpockets and I am here to state unequivocally that to the best of my knowledge Mr. Castro is no pickpocket. And if in fact he is not a pickpocket, doesn’t that entitle him to an opportunity… just an opportunity mind you… to lead this formerly great country of ours?”

When faced with questions about the rumors of Castro’s apparently imminent demise, Lemieux remained optimistic.

“Just for the sake of argument let’s say that the rumors are true- and I am in no way confirming them- and he is at death’s door,” Lemieux stated. “I think that it would actually be great for the campaign. Let’s take a look at some facts. Dead musicians are actually quite productive. Now I know Castro isn’t technically a musician, but he does enjoy music. John Lennon. Elvis. They are both raking in the dough and have fanatical followings. Tupac is more prolific now than he ever was alive. And don’t forget about Keith Richards. Hell, he’s still playing gigs and he’s been dead going on fifteen years. A Castro dirt bath puts this ticket over the top.” 

Hat tip to our good friend Jarhead John for the photo.

9. No, Mr. Montoya I did not “kill your father” nor am I “prepared to die”. Now please put down that sword and let’s talk this out.

8. Please Mr. Bauer, I had no idea she was your daughter. I’ll take the posters down straight away.

7. Ohhhhh. Those refried beans are repeating on me.

6. Castro: Hey! Where the f*** do you think you’re going? And how the hell did you get a raft in there?

    Intestines: Viva America!!!!   

5. Slow down Zinedine. I never said that about your mother, I don’t even know her.

4. Bwahahahahahaha! Hugo, you seriously have to stop with those “Cindy Sheehan is so fat…” jokes or you’re going to make me bust a gut!

3. O-Man! How’s it shaking? Wait a minute… you’re not Oliver Stone! Guards!!!

2. Hey! Stop fooling around with that!! That’s a banned book you have in your hand!! That could really hurt someone…..

1. Geez, those cookies were delicious. I didn’t know that the CIA could bake like that.

Also: Expose the Left, Captain’s Quarters, Babalu Blog, Misha

Thanks to: Mr. Right, Dan Riehl, Stop the ACLU, Point Five, Samantha Burns & Discarded Lies

Overland High School geography teacher Jay Bennish was put on administrative leave Wednesday while Cherry Creek Schools decide whether or not he crossed the line regarding a district policy that mandates balanced viewpoints in the classroom.

During a lecture to his 10th grade geography class, Bennish compared President Bush to Adolf Hitler and asserted that capitalism is “at odds with human rights.” 

Sean Allen, one of Bennish’s students, taped the lecture and later presented it to school administrators.

“I may only have an American public school education,” said Allen. “But I’m pretty sure that advocating a chemical weapons attack on North Carolina by the Bolivian government doesn’t quite fall under ‘geography’ even in the broadest sense of the word.”

For his part Bennish, who in the interim has received dozens of teaching offers from universities nationwide, was unapologetic if not business-like in his response.

“Look, it’s pretty tough to get noticed in today’s super-charged academic atmosphere,” Bennish noted.”Quite frankly, I’m a little surprised that I got any traction at all with the Bush-Hitler bit since it’s been done to death already. However, if I may be so bold, I must say that my piece about the Republican plot to spread AIDS in poor, minority communities by tainting the malt liquor supply was sheer genius.” 

Update: Bennish has been offered the prestigious ‘Ward Churchill Chair‘ at the University of Colorado. No word yet on whether he is prepared to move out of his parent’s attic and accept the position.   

Update II: Book deal?

Thanks to: Mudville, OTB

Technorati tags: Jay Bennish, Sean Allen, Humor, Satire, Overland High School, Politics, Bush, Hitler, Colorado

Editorial-

Trying to improve upon a classic is hard work. Coca-Cola learned this lesson the hard way with their ‘New Coke’ debacle, as did Paramount when they refused to leave a fine movie alone and remade The Bad News Bears. The new version of the all-time great television series I Love Lucy (renamed No Nos Gusta Bushie) is destined to follow these two down the swirling urinal of historical poor choices.

Set in the paradise of modern day Venezuela, we find Lucy and Ricky living as that country’s President and First Lady. Ricky has given up his famous nightclub act to preside over his adopted homeland and Lucy has caught the activism bug, spending her free time excoriating American President George W. Bush.

From episode to episode the setting changes (Lucy gives speeches all around the USA and Ricky does the same in various South American locales), but the dialog remains almost exactly the same. 

However, there are some bright spots. The casting of Jason Alexander in the role of ‘Fred’ is an inspired choice as is Danny Glover as the fictional, race-baiting, black civil rights activist Jerome Johnson.

All in all, No Nos Gusta Bushie is chock full of cliched characters, repetitive dialog and illogical story lines.

In the words of the original Ricky, this show’s creators have “some ’splaining to do.”

Thanks to: Mudville.

Technorati tags: Cindy Sheehan, Hugo Chavez, Bush, Venezuela, I Love Lucy, Satire, Humor