Dear Islamic Rage Boy:I am a young Muslim woman living in Pakistan, and I desperately need your advice. My father recently gave me to one of his friends as a bride. I was not thrilled with the choice, but being a devout follower of Allah and the Qu’ran, I have decided to make the best of it. I find that if I breathe evenly through my mouth (depending on where he is in his shower cycle, it can get rather odorous) and concentrate on a spot on the ceiling, it’s usually over pretty quickly, praise be to Allah.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing is concerning the beatings. While I understand this is his way of showing his love for me, I find it difficult to tend to my wifely duties with broken fingers. Is there a way to bring up this subject without incurring his wrath?

Sincerely,

Cowering In Kandahar

Dear Cowering:

Please take the following steps.

1. Turn-off and unplug your computer.

2. Throw it over the edge of the nearest cliff.

3. Making sure to first cover yourself, go outside.

4. Find a round rock that fits comfortably in your palm. Nothing too smooth.

5. Say the following: “I am sorry, dear Allah, for using modern technology,” over and over again.

6. Bash the rock repeatedly into your skull until unconscious.

Thank you,
Islamic Rage Boy

P.S. If by chance you survive the encounter, do not even consider the possibly of having your laptop repaired. We will be monitoring you a bit more closely from now on.

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I am an enthusiastic young jihadi living in the vanguard of the new caliphate; London, England. Even though I am only seventeen, I have a wealth of experience as a Holy Warrior. To wit, I have recruited eighteen suicide bombers; I’ve filed a multi-million dollar “defamation of Muhammad” lawsuit in international court against noted Islamophobe Mark Steyn; and I have personally removed the heads of no less than eleven non-believers.

But therein lies the problem. My carpet cleaning expenses have become astronomical. My friends are always saying that I should perform these decapitations at a neutral site; like an alley or a public square. I have tried both of these, but felt more than a little uncomfortable each time.

When I sawed off the head of a non-believer in the alley, I felt…sneaky. Like I was doing something wrong. And the time I practiced my craft in a London park, almost everyone avoided eye contact. When I caught the attention of the few who did look my way, they clearly had disapproving looks on their faces.

No, I prefer the “home field advantage,” as the American devils are fond of saying. Which brings me back to my original point: how can I continue to perform Allah’s work, and maintain a clean, stain-free carpet all at the same time? And please do not recommend over-the-counter products. I have tried all of them before with no success. I anxiously await your response.

Khalid of the Clotted Carpet Clan

Dear Khalid,

My hat is off to you my friend. You truly have a resume that would be considered impressive by any standard. I must say, you remind me of myself in many ways. I too was once young and ambitious. You are surely on your way to accomplishing great things. However, stubborn stains have been the undoing of many a Holy Warrior with great potential. You were right to come to me.

I still recall one time during the early days of my career when my ambition was writing checks my machete couldn’t cash. I had a ridiculously busy schedule this particular Saturday: a 5:00 pm decapitation in my living room, followed quickly by the clitorectomies of the Hassan triplets at 6:00. To top it all off, I had 100 guests arriving at my hut at 8:00 for a party to celebrate the anniversaries of me and six of my wives!

After completing my duties, I looked down and saw several embarrassing stains on the rug. I tried cold water with no luck (even though I blotted and did not scrub). I tried several OTC cleaning products, but each one seemed to only add more depth and color to the stains.

Finally, I swallowed my pride and called in a professional. It was the best move I ever made. The staff was knowledgeable, professional, and quickly converted to Islam with only a minimum of coaxing. The carpets came clean, the celebration went off without a hitch, and I can now perform a wide range of religious ceremonies at home with complete confidence.

I learned a valuable lesson through the humiliating sequence of events that day. You may be able to get away with inferior products in some instances, but not all the time. When it comes to the cleanliness and beauty of your home, accept no substitutes.

Guest Editorial by Islamic Rage Boy

After hearing the mounting lies and distortions from Westerners and assorted other infidels on the subject of the giant statue of a “meditating” Buddha that was blown up in the Swat district on Saturday- for which I take full responsibility- I thought it only proper to respond.

First of all, meditation is in the eye of the beholder. The only time the obese Buddhist wretch displayed any signs of “peace” or “tranquility” was after we had dispatched him with several thousand pounds of well-placed C-4. Until that point, he was poised cat-like, ready to strike at me and my fellow peaceloving Muslims who had merely happened through the area in search of one of our wayward whores who had skipped out on her daily genital caning.

Imagine our shock and horror when we came around the corner to find this overstuffed stone cabbage prepared to attack with the fury of a thousand jungle beasts. Anyone who claims that Buddhism is the religion of peace, clearly has not encountered one of these ferocious sedimentary leviathans who act as the gatekeepers of this most oppressive faith.   

As we drew back in terror, the behemoth kept coming, mocking us with chants of “That Danish cartoon was spot on, Muslim swine!” and “Your mama’s so haram, they performed her cliterectomy in effigy!” As he taunted us, lightning bolts flew at us from his eyes and flames lapped at us from his outstretched fingertips! 

We were simply defending ourselves, much the same way we would be forced to defend ourselves against hordes of rampaging homosexuals who sought to subjugate us via their malevolent leers and impeccable sense of fashion - if such creatures in fact existed.

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I need some guidance. My husband is the jealous type, and it is beginning to cause problems in our marriage. When we first started dating, I thought it was sort of cute that he would threaten other guys if they talked to, or looked at, me. You know, like it meant he really loved me. However, after being married just a brief time (six months next Friday), it is really starting to put a strain on the relationship.

For example, we were at the beach the other day and he got totally mad that I was wearing what he calls my “whore-wear.” It’s just a modest one-piece suit! He even yelled at me in front of some people and called me a slut! On top of that, he punched one of the lifeguards in the neck just because he said “hi” to me. My friend Jenny said that he is abusive and that I should leave him.

I really love him, but am rapidly being pushed over the edge. Help!

Jealously Guarded In Jacksonville

Dear Jealously,

Never have I before encountered such a selfish, ungrateful cur as yourself. “Oh, Islamic Rage Boy, my husband is mean to me! Wahhh, he yelled at me! Boo hoo hoo!” Enough!

Let me tell you what I see. I see a man who has taken tolerance, multiplied it by Gandhi, and then added ridiculous plus ten to the sum. Count your blessings you simpering harlot, were you my property, your overindulged American genitalia would feel the sting of my switch even as we speak. Tell me, do his other wives complain in a manner such as yours?

However, there is plenty of blame to go around in this dysfunctional coupling of which you are a part.

To your cowardly husband I ask the following: Why have you allowed your chattel to have Internet access? Can you honestly say you are surprised at her insolence given the radical ideas to which she has clearly been exposed? While I appreciate the fact that you reacted violently to her sporting uncovered skin at the beach, why was she allowed out of the house in the first place? And why was the object of your aggression this lifeguard and not the truly guilty party? It is as my father used to say, “If you hit them with a large stone, they ask for a medium. If they are thus pelted with a medium stone, they pine for the small.” Set about putting your house in order, boy.

Also, please forward me the address of this “Jenny” you spoke of. She has much to say, this one. I should very much like to speak with her regarding her tragically misguided dispensation of marital advice.

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of fields including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, anti-Semitic behavior, and the making of hit records.

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Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I am a registered Democrat living in the Washington, DC area. I recently learned from a friend of a friend that that neocon comic hack Berkeley Breathed wrote a comic strip that is both offensive and cruel to Muslims. On behalf of my former religion (I am a recovering Catholic) and my country (which I barely recognize since Hitler’s retarded, albeit more vicious, cousin stole his way into office six years ago), I wish to offer my sincerest apologies to you and all of your fellow freedom fighters, particularly those in undercover resistance cells here in the United States who are not allowed to integrate with their like-minded Democratic brethren thanks to the fascist immigration policies of this administration.

I wanted to let you know that in an attempt to cleanse my mental palette after taking in these horrifically odious strips of venomous comic dreck, I spent a full thirty minutes at Ted Rall’s website, fully immersed in the soothing comedic strains of a true revolutionary thinker. For my money, there is nothing like a good joke about dead American soldiers for salving the sting of another erroneous attack on the religion of peace.

Anyway, as some newspapers have seen fit to actually publish these cartoonish vehicles of hate, including the Los Angeles Times which has clearly lost its editorial mind, I wanted to know what I could do to help right this wrong? Can I as a current non-Muslim, assist by issuing a death decree on my own? Sort of a “citizen’s fatwa” as it were. I would truly like to help the cause. Please advise.

Decidedly Tolerant In DC

Dear Decidedly,

I very much enjoyed reading your letter, and as you can clearly tell by my above picture, you brought a big smile to an old jihadi’s face with your very kind words. You and I share many similar viewpoints and in another situation, I most likely would call you “friend.” So it was with great despair that I read the portion of your note that declared you a “non-Muslim.” At this point, I feel it is my obligation to let you know that even though you are doing Allah’s work, I will not be able to spare you when the new caliphate arises. It is not personal, but as a pig-loving non-believer you will be beheaded, dragged through the streets by your scrotum, and filleted on the steps of the local mosque, Allah willing.

But back to your question. There are a great many ways you can be of service. My best suggestion is to contact the DC chapter of the ACLU and ask for a copy of their very helpful pamphlet, “So You Want To Be A Jihadi?” Ask for Stu and tell him Rage Boy sent you.

Now as for the cartoon at hand. This Breathed character has been a thorn in my side for years. I’ve made no secret of my hatred for this right wing puppet and his insipid penguin. Speaking of which, what is this fascination in America with a small flightless bird that spends its miserable existence waddling around frozen (though warming) ice floes in the Antarctic waiting to be devoured by the noble killer whale? 

Best of luck.

IRB 

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, and the making of hit records.

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Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

Although I am not a Muslim, I feel a certain kinship with you and your struggle. I too have been oppressed by the vast right wing conspiracy. I live in San Francisco and find it far too conservative for my liking. Why just the other day, I saw a car with a “Bush/Cheney” bumper sticker on it! After slicing the tires and sacrificing a lamb on the console, I painted a “Peace” symbol over the offending sticker. I hope this teaches those fascists a lesson about tolerance. I can’t take living in this hotbed of Rethuglican activity any longer. Are there any places out there that would better suit my needs?

Fed Up With Bay Area Neocons

Dear Fed Up,

I must confess, you have me stumped. When the dog days of jihad get me down, or when I have a hankering to mingle with those who truly understand the vile acts perpetrated by the Great Satan, I hop the first flight out of Fallujah and head right for your town. Once I get past the whole “gay” thing, I truly feel at home. Perhaps you are just experiencing a severe bout of the-grass-is-always-greener-itis? Oftentimes we do not appreciate what we have until it is gone.

Also, you sound a bit depressed to me. Are you having suicidal thoughts? Do you currently have a plan to kill yourself? In your present state, I am concerned that you may do something rash like killing only yourself. Remember “suicide bomber” is just an expression (one that I have spent countless hours lobbying to change), it does not mean that only you should die. Please seek out a professional regarding your condition. Either your local CAIR chapter or the San Francisco School Board will be able to provide you with the proper guidance.

There are so many opportunities for enjoyment and self-improvement in San Fran. Try this, pick up a copy of The New Caliphate Quarterly (available anywhere fine halal products are sold) head down to the beach and just relax. Or you can join your town supervisor in his noble quest to rid the airwaves of that infernal infidel radio host; the aptly named “Michael Savage.” Were my religion not a peaceful one I would call for a most severe reprisal against this fiend, rather than the customary, albeit benign, beheading and ocular torture. Count yourself lucky Savage.

Good luck with your situation and please keep me informed as to your progress.

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, and the making of hit records.

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Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I was recently captured by the American swine on the battlefield of Iraq during the glorious jihad against the west. I did not intend to be taken, but the Somali suicide belt I had on did not detonate. To add insult to injury, after being taken to Guantanamo Bay (which is really quite nice), I have taken to eating the decadent, carb-laden infidel food and have put on the dreaded “Gitmo Fifteen.” What is the best way to lose this excess weight?

Rapidly Gaining in Gitmo

Dear Rapidly,

Wow, talk about your proverbial string of bad luck. I am very sorry for your failure to blow up. This can be most disconcerting. However, I am not surprised given the fact that you were wearing a Somali issued belt which I have always maintained were of inferior quality. You did not specify, but I assume it was the Virgin-Voyage 2000 model as this is notorious, even among the Somali belts, for its unreliability. In the future I would recommend one of the Syrian or Iranian models. They are a bit pricey, but they make up for it in performance. Many jihadis like the student-designed belts that have been coming out of the French ghettos over the past few years, but I haven’t seen enough data to support this choice. Please keep in mind too that most people go out of their way to complain about poor products or service while the data on successful belts is typically secondhand. Please do not be discouraged, it will happen when the moment is right.

As far as your incarceration goes there are two options: self-decapitation or patience. The former involves a great deal of fortitude and a razor sharp Q’aran. Initially you will lose the desired weight with even more coming off over time. On top of that, the Jihad Council has recently approved an additional twelve virgins for this most honorable act. The downside is that paper cuts really sting. I mean, I couldn’t do it but more power to you if you are able.

The latter option is patience. Patience because our lobbying efforts are working. Senators Reid and Durbin have rallied to our cause as well as the heavy-set sot from Massachusetts whose name escapes me. Your voice is being heard. You are making a difference.

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, and the making of hit records.

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Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I am a faithful Wahhabist living in the satanic pit of America and have recently found it necessary to burn my wife at the stake for her insolence. My problem is threefold. First, the cost of gasoline has risen to such a price that it almost makes me question my sentence of a “painful, fiery death.” Second, every time I secure her to the woodpile, these pain-in-the-ass environmentalist groups keep protesting me. Apparently the kindling I chose comes from a tree that is home to some endangered bird. Mark my words, when the land of the Great Satan finally becomes an Islamic state, the cursed spotted owl will be first in line to feel the cold steel of my sword. Third, clearly I want my children to be a part of this important event, but I am concerned about the effects on their self-esteem. Would you recommend they stand right next to me while I engulf their mother in flames, or would it be preferable to film it and show them the video at a later date? Any wisdom you can impart would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Pyrotechnically-challenged in Peoria

Dear Pyrotechnically-challenged,

Whoa. Slow down my friend. You have asked me many questions, but you have left out a great deal of critical information. First of all, I cannot be sure that death by fire is the proper response to your wife’s infraction. Perhaps the situation merely calls for a severe beating of the uvula or a vigorous genital caning. Please be more specific next time.

However, for the sake of argument we must err on the side of severity. Let’s just say that your wife exposed her left temple while in public and thus is deserving of a flame-laden, blistering death. As Muhammad al bin Farou noted in his seminal piece on the topic, There Must Be 50 Ways To Sautee Your Lover, “…the cost of the punishment is of no import. What is paramount is that swift, even-handed justice be meted out.”

In other words, even if regular unleaded tops $4.00 a gallon you are obliged to pay this price. The monetary inconvenience to you is insignificant in the face of the wrong you are righting.

Good luck and please let me know how it turns out.

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, and the making of hit records.

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

My first daughter has come of age for genital mutilation and as you can imagine, I am quite nervous. She is the apple of my eye and I want to make sure that everything goes smoothly. Any suggestions?

Perennially Pacing in Pashtun Province

Dear Perennially Pacing,

Ah yes, I too remember well the labial maiming of my firstborn female. It is a very special occasion indeed. Here are a few tips to help with your big day:

• Do not use anything sharp for the ceremony such as a well-honed scalpel or a new razor blade. This will produce too clean of a cut and render the entire “mutilation” moot. I recommend a broken conch shell or a rusty fan blade. In a pinch you can simply gnaw off the offending organ, but this is not as desirable an option in my opinion.
• As the proud father just remember that everyone will want a piece of you on this day. Make sure to slow down and enjoy the moment. It will fly by quicker than you realize.
• Except for the obvious need during the ceremony, make sure her skin is completely covered. A genital mutilation can quickly turn into death by stoning; let’s focus on one rite of passage at a time!
• Be sure to have enough food. I still recall with horror a mutilation I attended in the mid-90s. Everything went off beautifully during the ceremony, but at the after-party all they had was a six-pack of chick pea cola and a single tray of “Jews-in-a-blanket.” To call this “poor form” would be an understatement of the first order.

I hope I have been of assistance. Enjoy your day!

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar usage, homeopathy, and animal grooming.