Here’s The Grizzly Bear’s first campaign video, reflecting TNOYF’s 9 reasons we think he should be the Republican nominee.

The Nose On Your Face continues our Mohammed Brand exploratory.

Hat Tip to TNOYF reader Heaver for the inspiration….

Check out TNOYF’s other Mohammed Brand Products

Eager for a return to their NBA glory days, the championship-starved New York Knicks are taking steps to ensure that success is on the horizon. To that end, the team has proposed a revolutionary new contract to their star point guard, Stephon Marbury, that has some unique incentives built in. Among these is a “euthanasia clause” that would come into play were the player to fail to lead the team into at least the Eastern Conference Finals.

“I’d love to take credit for the idea, but it was really Stephon’s brainchild,” said Knicks GM Isaiah Thomas. “When I heard him weigh in on the Michael Vick case, I thought, ‘Wow. This is a guy who is ready to lead by example.’ We hope to use Stephon’s contract as a template for the rest of the team in the future.”

Sensing the positive wheels-of-change in motion, many Knicks fans are understandably excited about the new direction of the team.

“I think it’s great,” said lifelong Knicks fan Anthony ‘Tony Hoops’ Giacavuzzi. “And I happen to agree with Stephon. Basketball’s just a game. Like dogfighting, German snuff films, or soccer in Uday’s Iraq. These new incentives should really bring out the best in the team. And if not, well then at least we have a brutal public execution to look forward to. Go Knicks!”

Faced with an exploding pigeon population that shows no signs of slowing down, overwhelmed officials in Hollywood have been racking their brains to come up with ways to cool the libido’s of these notoriously oversexed birds. Help came in the form of animal rights group PETA, when that organization suggested the use of the avian birth control product OvoControl P.

A representative for Planned Pigeonhood agreed with this suggestion.

“Pigeons will be pigeons,” said PP spokeswoman Marlene Finchworth. “It sounds all very nice to tell these creatures to ‘just say no’ to sex, as some on the religious right have suggested, but that’s not dealing with reality. Bird control pills are a safe, effective way to prevent unwanted egg fertilization. Birds in general, and pigeon’s in particular, have a well-earned reputation of being nature’s randiest creatures. Think about some of the terminology that has entered our lexicon: dirty birds; the birds and the bees; pigeonholed. Those terms are no accident. Oh, and contrary to popular belief, although that stuff on your windshield is from pigeons, it is not poop.”

Not surprisingly, the Catholic Church took a somewhat different stance on the issue.

“The Church maintains in this instance that abstinence is not only the best policy, but the only one,” said Cardinal James O’Leary. “Some of these birds aren’t even old enough to molt much less marry, yet they are being pressured to just spread their wings for the sake of recreation.”

PETA spokesman Darcy Arugula dismissed the abstinence argument out of hand.

“Still with the abstinence stuff?” she asked. “Boy, they really are persistent aren’t they? You know what though, I don’t think I’ll be taking any advice from the Catholic Church on this matter. They lost what little credibility and moral authority they had after the priest-hatchling scandals started popping up a few years back.”

Finchworth noted that she is not openly advocating intercourse for all pigeons, and offered up some alternatives for those birds who may not be ready for the pressures of an intimate relationship.

“There is more than one way to be intimate with your partner,” said Finchworth. “Long walks on the beach. Cooing sweet nothings in the place where your partner’s ear would be if they had ears. Heavy preening. And let me just say that worm regurgitation can be very sensual if it is done correctly.”

Guest Editorial

by Sampson the Dog

After watching the nauseating spectacle that the Michael Vick dogfighting situation has become over the past week - combined with the fact that I used to mix it up a bit myself back in the day- I felt I had to weigh in to set the record straight on a few things.

First, I am a dog. I socialize exclusively with dogs (and occasionally Gary Busey). As far as we can tell, neither I nor any of my canine companions have ever asked PETA to speak up for us on anything. Ever. I mean. have you seen these f***ing people? Look, I may lick my own balls from time to time, and on the odd occasion I have been known to eat my friends’ feces, but I need PETA’s endorsement like Ted Kennedy’s liver needs some further discoloration. Thanks guys, but we’ve got this one covered.

Second, media coverage. I can only take so many Michael Vick questions. Unless Anna Nicole Smith is resurrected, matriculates into college, goes on spring break to the Caribbean, and ends up getting eaten by drug-dealing reef sharks, we’ll never hear the end of this. However, the daywalker Van Sustern has been strangely subdued on the whole matter. Let’s hope it stays that way.

And finally, no one has actually talked to me or my friends about whether or not we actually want to fight to the death. Many of us do. It’s not like we have a ton of options. Guide dog for the blind? It sounds like fun, but after the novelty of leading your owner into gay porno bookstores or bringing him home to the wrong house wears off, it gets to be a bit dull. House dog? I don’t think so. We left the plantation behind us a long time ago. Firehouse dog? Let’s see, the firemen get turbo-charged hoses, hi-tech communications equipment, and wear state-of-the-art, flame-resistant clothing. We get to sport fur coats, bare paws, and exposed genitalia. Seems fair. Thanks guys, but I’ll take my chances duking it out in the ring with a hungry pit bull.

These must be some of the same do-gooders who kept complaining about dwarf-tossing a few years back, and finally got it banned. I’m sure the dwarf citizenry is thrilled that their career options are now limited to being Bingo the Clown’s helper at children’s parties and appearances as extras in Ron Jeremy’s It’s A Small Hole (After All) film series.

Sampson out. Kidding. I just like to f*** with that Twinkie-juggler Seacrest.

As the shock spreads over the story of a Reno, Nevada couple so hopelessly addicted to a Dungeons and Dragons video game that they nearly starved their two children to death, new horror emerged tonight when it was learned the family cat was reduced to urinating on the baby’s head instead of being provided with proper feline facilities.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has demanded an immediate investigation, releasing a statement that chastized the mass media for a “dull, myopic focus on child starvation when a cat is enduring the unfathomable humiliation of baring its private parts to an infant Neanderthal.”

 ”Frankly, I don’t care how close Mr. and Mrs. Straw were to becoming level nine Druid warriors, they still had a responsibility to provide an animal with a clean, appropriate lavatory that meets FDA Animal-Code standards,” said PETA spokeswoman Autumn Delia. “One of Mother Earth’s precious creatures was placed in their charge and this is the treatment he received? Besides, when I think about the bacteria that run rampant on a human youngling’s head…yecch! Just…just…yecchh!!”

 In related news, authorities announced that the internet-obsessed couple would receive treatment as part of a sodomy-obsessed support group in prison.

Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank announced yesterday that he was so inspired by the story and photos of two American brothers gored during the Running of The Bulls in Pamplona, Spain yesterday that he plans to participate next year.

“I thought this whole event was simply a testosterone-laden macho spectacle,” said Frank, “but clearly, there’s…uh…more going on here.  Something deeper, more penetrating.  I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I believe by experiencing the event first hand, I’ll be better able to articulate it.”

A spokesman for a leading bull rights group was less enthused about the American politician’s decision.

“Let’s just say we’re a bit skeptical about Congressman Frank’s true intentions,” said Bulls Without Borders legal representative Toro “El Toro” Torowitz. “If he’s there to truly experience the majesty of the event, fine.  But if, perhaps, we find the Congressman starting at the finish line and running backwards with his pants around his ankles screaming ‘Here, bully, bully, bully,’ we’ll have a restraining order slapped on him faster than he can say ‘Ole.’”

Frank rejected the insinuation that he would participate for anything less than noble intentions.

“The celebration of tranquility in the face of danger is what The Running of The Bulls is all about,” said Frank.  “That there are legions of sweaty men in nappy red scarves running from angry uncastrated bovines simply adds texture.”

Snowball, a  10-month-old polar bear cub and the reigning Ms. Ursine USA, was forced to relinquish her title recently after this racy photo of her and an unidentified human circulated around the Internet.

Event organizer Donald Trump was upset with Snowball’s choice.

“You have a responsibility to behave appropriately when you are in the spotlight,” said Trump. “This was clearly a bad decision by Snowball. However, I might be willing to offer her a second chance if she were to knit me a nice wig out of that soft, white hair.”

A spokesman for Rosie O’Donnell said she was unavailable for comment as “she doesn’t like to be disturbed at feeding time.”

In an effort to fend off criticism that her childless status makes her a questionable proponent of anti-spanking legislation, California legislator and cat-lover Sally Lieber is now offering some helpful child-rearing tips for parents.

Guest Commentary By Sally Lieber

I have been both surprised and disappointed since I introduced legislation in California that would make it illegal for parents to spank their young children. Just because I don’t have any human kids doesn’t mean that I don’t understand how to raise them.

Here are a few dynamite tips that I’ve picked up along the way that are sure to help out even the most over-stressed parent. Enjoy.

1) When your child does not listen to you, it is never okay to spank them. A light misting from a spray bottle usually does the trick with much less damage to their self-esteem.

2) Make sure to have your child spayed or neutered by the time they enter daycare. Remember, responsible parents do not let their youngsters litter or have litters (Get it? Litter? Litters? My son Mr. Mittens came up with that. Isn’t he clever?)

3) It is not necessary to buy your child expensive toys or elaborate video game systems. In my experience I’ve found that they are quite content with a simple ball of yarn.

4) When deciding where to place your child’s bed, be sure to choose a spot that receives lots of sunlight.

5) Do not be alarmed if your child brings home a dead mouse or bird for you. Although children do not have the appropriate words to express their feelings at a young age, what they are really saying is “Hey- mom and dad? I truly love and appreciate you.” Remember, as is often the case with children, it is the thought that counts.

6) Although it has been dismissed by many as an old wives tale, it is in fact true that children always do land on their feet when dropped from high places. Give it a try, it won’t hurt them. In fact, it will help to hone their reflexes and muscles for later in life.

7) Reading is essential to the mental, emotional, and spiritual growth of children. Expose them to the classics such as Garfield and Puss ‘n’ Boots, at an early age.
Contrary to popular belief, a black child crossing your path is most emphatically not bad luck. This is one of those slow-to-die racial stereotypes that began with southern plantation owners centuries ago, and is perpetuated by Republicans and Michael Richards to this day.   

Now get back out there and raise some terrific kids everybody!

The PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) website has a wonderful question and answer feature that we’ve put to use over the past few months. We’re still waiting for replies to the questions we submitted, below.

1) I’m having a barbeque and trying to decide if I should put veal or pork on the shish-kebob. Which do you think is easier to impale– the tender flesh of young calves who’ve never seen daylight, or the succulent tissue of a cuddly pig?

2) I recently hit a young fawn with my new Hummer. The splatter of technicolor gore across my hood and windshield was amazing! I immediately stopped to call my Hummer Dealer to find out if deer spleen stains. Problem was, I couldn’t hear the guy on the phone over the agonized mewling of the mangled fawn. Do you have any idea?

3) My friend and I have a bet. He says that a goldfish will survive the puree setting on the blender, and I think it won’t. I need to win this one because I lost the “cats always land on their feet” bet. Anyway, we’re going to do a series of tests at each blender setting. Any idea where we can get some cheap goldfish?

4) Our dog used to bark every time someone rang the doorbell. We were able to stop him by kicking him in the balls as hard as we could every time he did it. Problem is, we can’t see his balls anymore. I think we can get them to pop back out of his abdomen if we hold his head under water. My dad wants to just kick him in the ass until they fall back down. Which do you think will work?

5) Do you know any wildlife preserves where they allow you to hunt blind, injured animals?

Guest Editorial-

by former President Bill Clinton

There has been so much hoopla recently over Madeline Albright’s infamously chummy photo-op with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, that I felt obligated to respond in her defense. Let me start by saying that it is in fact Secretary Albright in the picture, not Helen Thomas or Christopher Walken as many of you have suggested. Second, let me say that this is not what it appears to be. However, I can see why there has been so much confusion over this picture.

To the untrained eye, it seems that Secretary Albright is sharing a champagne toast with the evil dictator Kim Jong Il while his people take the clinking of the glasses as a signal to divert millions of dollars in U.S. food aid from starving North Korean citizens to that country’s military build-up, as they continue the uranium enrichment program that they pinkie-promised that they did not have, all while Jimmy Carter helps build missile silos that he was told were to be homes for orphaned North Korean children.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Secretary Albright was in North Korea on her own time for humanitarian purposes. Why did she do this? For the best of reasons. Secretary Albright and Kim Jong Il were collaborating on a cutting-edge line of beauty products that do not require animal testing. That’s right, what would seem to be glasses filled with Dom Perignon, are actually vials of animal-safe perfume.

Please do not be so quick to buy the propaganda that the right is selling. I sincerely hope this eliminates any confusion on the matter. And just remember, every time you see this picture, a kitten’s life was just saved.

Thank you.

H/T Flownover for the pic. Thanks to Dr. Sanity.

What started out as a demonstration against the mishandling of animals before their slaughter turned to tragedy for members of the organization PETA yesterday in Hamburg, Germany.

The protest began innocently enough with the activists dousing themselves in fake blood and wrapping themselves in cellophane to simulate the mistreatment that they say animals go through before being bought from supermarkets, sliced, marinated and cooked at high temperatures until delicious.

“Everything was going along fine,” stated one visibly shaken activist who asked to be identified only as ‘Arugula’. “Until we realized that VH-1 had been filming an episode of Celebrity Fit Club down the street. Once Ralphie May got a look at the packaged meat it was all over.”

Witnesses reported that the scene that followed was difficult to watch.

“His eyes rolled back in his head as he tore through the packaging,” stated one passerby. “He only paused for a second when he realized that there were people inside, and then he gobbled them up. It was quite violent. And I say that as a German.”

May released a statement via his publicist stating that he had no regrets regarding the incident but that he did find the activists “a bit gamey.”

As the sun rises across the fruited plains of the United States of America this morning, scores of documentally challenged Mexican-Mexicans will be hard at work protesting for their right to remain in the country that they love, like a real lot, don’t hate that much, want to reclaim for Mexico, currently live in.

While much of the media attention has been focused on the human protesters, a large contingent of their country-dogs have been busy organizing themselves in an effort to make their claim for a better life. Their organization, Chihuahuas Against Wearing Stupid F***ing Human Clothing, has already kicked off their own rally.

The following transcript is taken from, CAWSFHC founder, Mr. Snuggle-Buggles address:

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: My fellow Chihuahuas. For too long we have been treated very poorly by the dog owners of this country.

Crowd: Yes!

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: On numerous occasions we have taken the pet-jobs that American dogs have refused.

Crowd: Yes!

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: But I say, “Enough!” No more will we wear the dorky outfits that our oppressors put us in.

Crowd: Preach on brother!

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: No more will we ride on their laps as they drive their Mercedes and talk on their cell phones.

Crowd: Yes!

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: And no more will another Chihuahua be subjected to contracting syphilis-by-proxy as happened in the case of our sister Tinker Bell.

Crowd: Amen!

Mr. Snuggle Buggles: Viva la revolucion!

End of transcript.

Thanks to: OTB, bRight & Early, Chez Diva, Iowa Voice, Reverse Vampyr 

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has announced that Aslan the Lion is their “Most Eligible Bachelor” for 2006. Aslan rushed onto the world stage late last year when his movie “The Chronicles of Narnia” debuted number one at the box office, and his star shows no signs of burning out.

“This one was a no-brainer for me,” stated PETA Animal Relations Liaison Blossom Arugula. “He has a hit movie, a beautiful mane of hair and he’s great with kids. Furthermore, he is powerful in an approachable sort of way and is so well-spoken. What’s not to like?”   

The PETA award is the latest in a string of accolades for the reluctant idol that include Bestiality Magazine’s “Big Cat on the Move” as well as Antelope Fancy’s “Predator We’d Least Like To Meet On The Open Savannah”, honors.

Although Aslan claims that he has “no concrete plans” for upcoming film projects, our sources tell us that he looks a sure bet to become the next James Bond in the new film “The Spy Who Ate Me.”

Thanks to MacStansbury & OTB.