The American Civil Liberties Union recently filed a brief citing a ruling in Minnesota Supreme Court thirty-eight years ago, that found that individuals who have sex in public restroom stalls “have a reasonable expectation of privacy.”

To the shock of some, this brief was entered on behalf of a Republican: Senator Larry Craig of Idaho.

“I know, I know,” said ACLU spokesman Sandy Vazheen. “We’ve been catching a lot of flack for representing ‘one of them.’ I’m a little bit uncomfortable with it myself. But the ACLU prides itself on advocating for anyone who has had his or her rights trampled on. Do the majority of victims fall on the liberal side of the political spectrum? By definition, yes. However, when mainstream behavior like Senator Craig’s comes under fire, the ACLU will step up to the plate regardless of that person’s party affiliation. Unless, of course, that person is a Jesus-freak, a Southerner, or someone who voted for Reagan.”

Critics have questioned Vazheen’s categorization of coital relations in public restrooms as “mainstream.”

“This defies belief,” said Conservative Party spokesman James Grezner. “Not only is the ACLU working feverishly to destroy any last shred of decency in this country, and to redefine ‘mainstream,’ but they are also creating an incredibly hostile work environment for right-leaning satirists. How do those poor folks top this? Who will stand up for their rights?” 

For his part, Vazheen stands by his statement.

“It’s very easy for people like Mr. Grezner to criticize others while he sits there in his Big-Oil-funded, 50,000-square-foot mansion that was built on top of a spotted owl sanctuary. He is obviously a gay-bashing, Christian bigot. But back to the issue at hand. There is a legal precedent from 1970 that addresses this exact situation. Does that mean nothing? I think my mentor, ACLU legend Bernie Hokum, put it best when he said, ’I may not agree with the particular stall you choose to perform extramarital, homosexual sodomy within earshot of children in, but I will defend with my life your ability to exercise your Gaia-given right to do so.’ Powerful words indeed.”  

Grezner remained unmoved.

“Let’s not forget what other precedents the ’70s brought us. Platform shoes, disco music, feathered hair, and the Carter presidency. Furthermore, I’ve read my Constitution and I can’t seem to find the part where it says that we have the right to turn public restrooms into fellatio-riddled, AIDS-incubators. I’m just sayin’…” 

The ACLU is considering a push for new legislation that would drastically alter the definition of rape based on the precedent that may be set by a new immigration bill currently before Congress.

“It seems that Congress is saying that once you’ve achieved entrance to a specific area, you can stay,” said ACLU lawyer Ken Harvey. “Why wouldn’t the same concept apply for the individual who successfully achieves unauthorized coital relations? We simply want the same rights that are extended to undocumented aliens to be extended to… undocumented fornicators.”

The new legislation would grant amnesty to thousands of jailed rapists, but also provides for beefed up “border patrols” by encouraging women to wear extra undergarments in an effort to thwart the would-be unlicensed lover.

Many women’s rights groups are understandably torn by the ACLU’s stance.

“This puts feminists in quite a predicament,” lamented NOW’s Patty Manderson. “We know that the ACLU is good, and rape is bad; so this just might make my head explode. In fact, I haven’t been this confused since I failed my NOW entrance exam because I kept spelling ‘women’ with an ‘e’.”

“I think,” she continued, “I’ll just wait to read tomorrow’s New York Times editorial to be able to determine how I really feel.”

Longtime allies the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) announced a bold technological joint venture today that will enhance the ability of NAMBLA members to reach out to needy young boys on a local market basis.

The new NAMBLA Alert! wireless monitoring system uses cutting edge technology to beam users real-time data on local gatherings of young boys where “the presence of NAMBLA representatives might prove beneficial,” according to NAMBLA spokesman Peter Carter.

“As the enlightened among us recognize, young boys thoroughly enjoy– some might argue, require– the company of older, sweatier, hairier males,” continued Carter. “Even if they often need assistance recognizing this fact. The NAMBLA Alert system empowers the old to find the young in a timely, convenient manner. Now, I don’t want to get caught up in vague value judgments like ‘is it legal to have sex with an 8-year-old boy?’. That’s for our good friends in the 9th Circuit Court to decide. We are simply providing a public service.”

NAMBLA Alerts are available to members for a monthly fee, and use the latest in satellite technology to beam critical information to PDAs, cell phones, and other mobile devices. Carter does not shy away from the fact that his system is based on the wildly successful ‘Amber Alert’ program.

“Why try to reinvent the wheel?” he asked rhetorically. “‘Amber Alerts’ are extremely effective at helping to locate and recover missing children by beaming messages to large numbers of people. We plan on doing the exact same thing. Except after we locate them, we are going to have sex with them.”

One dues-paying NAMBLA member is already a believer.

“My job requires quite a bit of travel,” said Chester Hunsacker. “And it can be so hard to find unsupervised boys when you’re in a strange town. You can only cruise the local parks and ice cream stands so many times before people start looking at you like your some kind of creep. The new NAMBLA Alert system enables me to drastically reduce my “trolling” time without being made to feel like a lecher by ‘concerned parents.’”

Other key features:

• trench coat pocket compatible
• plays a full range of children’s cartoons
• LCD Display made from space-age polymers– easy to clean and extremely resistant to milkshake spills, Jolly Rancher smudge-marks, and three of four major body fluids
• a variety of ring tones including: a whimpering puppy, the Nintendo Wii start-up music, and the very popular “Barry Bonds Ring Tone” which includes the baseball great uttering such catchphrases as, “Psst. Hey boys, it’s me, future Hall of Fame baseball player Barry Bonds. I’m stuck in the trunk of this rental car. Just hop in the front seat with this nice gentleman and we’ll all go out for ice cream.“(*Note: Barry Bonds ring tone only available with the “Executive” model)
• one-touch access to the ACLU’s 24-hour free legal defense hot line
• “risk level” monitoring which can correctly gauge the level of adult supervision at a children’s event to within one chaperon
• Daily “Coaxing Tips” designed to thwart the Nazi-like protection efforts of local law enforcements

The NAMBLA Alert Monitoring System is available at the ACLU and NAMBLA websites, and also via a fleet of vans with blackout-tinted windows at a playground near you.

The ACLU issued a statement today demanding that Dakota Fanning’s new movie Hound Dog– in which the 12 year old actress acts out a violent rape scene–be given full release to the country’s prison system once the Sundance Film Festival is over.

“We’ve been waiting for a new movie to put into the prison rotation, particularly one that can take the place of the Home Alone series,” said ACLU spokesman Drab Futar.  “We know from our email surveys that incarcerated pedophiles have grown tired of Macaulay Culkin. Even that titillating scene where he puts his hands on his soft cheeks and forms his mouth into a perfect “O” gets old after a while. In fact, we believe that repeated viewing of the Home Alone series borders on cruel and unusual punishment.  The prison system can avoid lengthy litigation by giving the boys in the big house some new blood.”

Futar scoffed at accusations that the Fanning rape scene condoned pedophilia.

“Au contraire.  The film brings important attention to the issue of child sexual abuse. Many ignorant-types operate under the primitive fallacy that the proper way to fight this issue is through tougher laws and prison sentences.  To which I say, ‘No, no, no- A thousand times no!’   The public must see child rape on the big screen, preferably in high-definition, to fully understand the issue.  That’s why it needs to be shot from many different angles and in various film speeds. For the sake of the children.”

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Lynne Stewart, the feisty, firebrand, civil-rights-attorney-by-day, Manhattan-grandmother-by- night,  who is currently battling breast cancer after a lifetime of advocating for the poor and downtrodden*, received what many feel was a light sentence from U.S. District Judge John G. Koeltl yesterday.

Stewart was sentenced to 28 months (out of a possible 30 years) in prison for smuggling messages out of prison for World Trade Center bomber Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman.

“I knew we were up against it the first day we entered the courtroom and Judge Koeltl had the court stenographer in a burka,” said assistant U.S. attorney Wilson Sanders. “I was hoping we’d get a fair shake. All is not lost though. We still have several felony dental charges pending against Ms. Stewart and we also plan on prosecuting her for her reckless indifference to dozens of the city’s slovenly statutes.”

Stewart’s attorney says he plans to appeal the ruling on the grounds that “prison always causes her gout to flare up.”

*Editor’s note: We apologize if we missed any of Ms. Stewart’s descriptors. To double check our work, please feel free to visit Newsday, the small of Cindy Sheehan’s back, The New York Times, Sean Penn’s diary or Al Jazeera.

The news that Saddam Hussein has filed a lawsuit against President Bush and Tony Blair has caused speculation that the former Iraqi dictator has been receiving counsel from either the editorial board of The New York Times, Joel Stein, or both.

“Cranial pork chop torture, destroying an ancient civilization, using WMD’s- it’s all in there,” said one Washington insider and veteran Times watcher referring directly to the suit. “Most damning though are the allegations of pollution to Iraqi air, water and the environment in general.

This could arouse both Greenpeace and PETA. Although these groups have large memberships, up until this point they have not been able to mobilize enough of them at any one point in time to make a large political impact. This could be the catalyst for just such a mobilization. We’ll be monitoring coffee houses and parent’s basements nationwide to check for any signs of mass motivation.”      

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: Saddam Hussein, lawsuit, Joel Stein, Satire, Humor, conservative

Thanks to some crucial intervention by the ACLU, Micheal Caviello a 17-year-old male high school student from New Jersey now has the right to wear a skirt to school, a right that the ACLU contended is guaranteed in the Constitution.

“Conservatives love to cite the portion of the Second Amendment that supposedly gives citizens the right to own firearms,” said ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “However, they conveniently forget to mention the part that says, and I quote, ‘the right of the boys to bare legs shall not be infringed’. I’m not sure how much clearer it could be.”

Although not explicitly written in to the ACLU’s agreement, adolescent experts tell us that the legal victory will likely include the following:

• The right for Caviello to be branded for life as the boy who fought for the right to wear a skirt to school.
• Intermittent to regular beatings by classmates.
• The strong likelihood that Caviello will become a civil rights attorney and thus never have to face the pressures of adulthood.

Editors Note: This was a production of Stop The ACLU Blogburst. If you would like to join us, please email Jay@stoptheaclu.com or GribbitR@gmail.com. You will be added to our mailing list and blogroll. Over 115 blogs already on-board.

Technorati tags: Michael Caviello, ACLU, skirt, satire, humor, conservative

9. The ACLU: Protecting Gay Pedophiles (as long as they do not happen to be Catholic Priests) Since 1920.

8. The ACLU: Because Terrorists Need Understanding Too.

7. The ACLU: For Those Times When You Are Just Too Busy To Be Anti-American On Your Own.

6. (tie) The ACLU: We May Not Be Pro-American. We Aren’t Really For Civil Liberties. But Damned If We Don’t Love Us Some Unions!

6. (tie) The ACLU: Fifty Bucks Says Al-Qaeda Wins.

5. The ACLU: Fighting To Make The Minority The Majority For Over 85 Years.

4. (tie) The ACLU: Communists A**-Warts Need Work Too.

4. (tie) The ACLU: Because Young Children Deserve To Have An Experienced Adult Show Them The Joy Of Sex. 

3. The ACLU: What The F*#! Did You Think Would Happen With This Many Lawyers In The Country?

2. The ACLU: Defending Your Rights Against The Notions Of Peace On Earth And Good Will Towards Men. And Womyn. 

1. The ACLU: Putting The “Kwanzaa” Back In Christmas.

Visit the Stop The ACLU Blogburst for more ACLU-related posts.

Thanks to Mudville & Crazy Politico.

Renowned atheist and excessive free-time merchant Michael Newdow has said that he will ask a federal court to have the phrase “In God We Trust” removed from all U.S. currency because it violates the religious rights of the atheists who belong to his “First Amendment Church of True Science.”

“The parishioners of the First Amendment Church have the same rights as the rest of Americans,” stated Newdow during a press conference. “It is patently unfair that the wishes of three hundred million plus trump the wishes of a few dozen. And to answer your other question- It’s none of your business whether or not I always got picked last for games in gym class.”

In response to this act, congregants from the recently formed “Church of God, Guns, Legal Immigration & Feet Up Michael Newdows A**“, have counter-sued.

“We don’t believe that Newdow even knows that the phrase ‘In God We Trust’ is actually on U.S. currency,” stated a church spokesman. “We are banking on the fact that his lifelong devotion to suing the government has prevented him from holding a job and thus ever having seen money.”

In other news, Newdow has vowed to have man’s best friend changed to “cat” in order to avoid offending dyslexic atheists.

Thanks to: Conservative Cat, Crazy Politico’s Rantings, The Political Teen, Mudville & OTB.

Also on the subject: Protein Wisdom, In The Bullpen, INDC, sofyst.net.

The ACLU and The Communist Party have announced that they will be officially joining together as early as Spring of 2006. This comes as a surprise to no one familiar with the work of either of the two groups. 

“It’s really just a formality,” ACLU spokesman Drab Futar said of the merger. “It’s sort of like when NAMBLA and American Pedophiles For Justice joined together, under my personal legal guidance I might add, in the early 1990’s.This will just insure even more streamlined services that will greatly benefit our co-agenda… I mean protect civil liberties.”

Opponents of the two organizations admit that this move may actually prove beneficial.

“It was difficult trying to keep track of both of them before,” stated a spokesman from the opposition group, United States citizens. “By joining together, this should enable us to keep a closer watch.”

Some of the benefits of the merger include:

• avoiding a replication of services
• new merchandising opportunities that will be available once the two logos are merged (Note: Throwback ACLU & Communist Party gear will still be available through their on-line store)
• bigger and better staff Christmas God-less Mid-Winter parties

A larger, three-way merger that includes the United Nations is set to go through in late 2006.

Developing…

This post is a part of the Stop The ACLU Blog-burst. To join, please go here.

Thanks to Mudville & The Political Teen.

“Hey fellas- did you hear the one about the atheist, the ACLU lawyer and the militant feminist that all showed up at the pearly gates?”

H/T to Newsmax for the photo.

Thanks to Mudville & OTB.

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and The North American Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) have  announced the revival of their monthly dinner-dance mixer.

“We’re really excited about partnering up with our good friends at NAMBLA once again,” stated ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “As you already know, our two organizations have very similar goals and viewpoints. They seek to end the oppression of men and boys who have mutually consensual sex, and we are a group of liberal attorneys.”

NAMBLA member and event organizer Quint Bradley feels that this months mixer will be a night to remember.

“We’re going with a gladiator theme this time,” squealed Bradley. “Leather, swords, those nifty leaf things for your head- it’s going to be delicious.”

Some of this months highlights will include:

• A keynote address by the ACLU’s Dylan Robertson entitled- “Underage Gay Sex And You: How To Find Fast, Free Legal Loopholes”
• Live music performed by DJ Sweaty Jack and The Manhole Covers
• Open bar all night long (Note: You must have identification if you wish to be served. Acceptable forms of id include: a library card, a Yu-Gi-Oh card or an elementary school hall pass.)
• A working Roman bath-house

Party organizers have noted that this will be a b.y.o.b. (bring your own boy) event.      

Urgent Update:  Click here

This was a production of  Stop the ACLU Blogburst. This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to OTB, Mudville & Stop the ACLU

The ACLU has announced that they intend to file a lawsuit against President Bush over remarks he made in the days following Hurricane Katrina. In a statement released on August 28th, President Bush alternately referred to Katrina as a “disaster” and a “storm” as well as the decidedly non-politically correct term, “hurricane”.

“President Bush’s callous remarks have put even more pressure on the the already strained relationship between human beings and Tropical Wind Distribution Entities (TWDE),” stated ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “Many TWDE’s come from impoverished areas of the world. Areas that have been financially devastated by President Bush’s nearsighted foreign policy. If we take a good hard look at their upbringing in this context, can we really fault them for lashing out in anger?”

The ACLU’s suit seeks the following:

• The creation of a Looter’s Rights Defense Fund
• All U.S. troops out of Iraq
• One of President Bush’s kidneys   
• Ward Churchill’s likeness to be carved into Mount Rushmore
• Federally funded TWDE sensitivity training

In other news Baltic Avenue has seceded from the Monopoly board. No word yet on whether or not Mediterranean Avenue will follow suit.   

This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to Mudville, Basil & OTB.

In response to what the New York Civil Liberties Union (NYCLU) calls the “fascistic random bag searches” that occur before boarding subways, one enterprising young New York man is offering up an alternative.

Jamie Rasmussen, 28 years of age and a self-described “lover of mankind”, is proposing a new subway train that will deliver “tolerance, peace and diversity” to all “who come on board.”

“It’s called ‘The Peace Train’,” said Rasmussen.”And like, we welcome everyone on board. Arabs, Frenchmen, Muslims, insurgents. No exceptions. Except Republicans. Right on bro.”

The Peace Train will not run on any particular schedule as Rasmussen feels that this would “stifle peoples freedom and creative energy, man.”

So what else can you expect when you board this train of tranquility? Take a look.

• No charge (Rasmussen expects to receive public funding for his enterprise under New York’s No Poorly Thought Out Social Program Left Unfunded Act)
• Preferential seating for anyone with a medium to dark complexion (”White guilt” seating will be at the back of the train)
• No Republicans
• Special “easy access” luggage racks for backpack bombs
• Complimentary soft drinks, “killer buds” and Fudgie the Whale ice cream cakes
• A Religion of Peace Recruitment Car complete with blacked out windows and high speed Internet access

Rasmussen noted that “this is an evolving thing” and that “new and exciting changes are occurring every day, man.”

Anyone interested in more information can e-mail Rasmussen  at Jamie@MyMomsBasement.net .

Thanks to Mudville, Indepundit & OTB. This post is also available at Blogger News Network.

The ACLU suffered a major setback recently when the Senate voted 98-0 to allow U.S. military bases to continue hosting Boy Scout events. The ACLU has long been opposed to the Boy Scouts endorsement of what they call the “pernicious trifecta of moral values, God and heterosexuality.”

“I have to admit that this is a major disappointment,” stated ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “To call government support of a cabal of homophobes such as the Boy Scouts an outrage is a major understatement. Fortunately, we have been contacted by Air America officials who have ensured us that they have come into some extra money that they will be donating to our appeal.”

The Senate’s unanimous decision comes as a surprise to those who are aware that there are in fact, Democratic Senators.

TNOYF was able to obtain a partial list of the ACLU’s previous demands to the Boy Scouts and they are as follows:

• cease and desist all references (both in printed materials and speech) to anti-civil liberties entities to include conservatives, Republicans and Catholics (or any combination thereof)
• offer merit badges in tolerance, show tunes and Muslim appreciation
• open up enrollment in the Boy Scouts to sex offenders who have apologized
• offer all Boy Scouts literature in both languages: French and Arabic

In other news, another large stash of weapons-grade Nutella has been discovered in the south of France.

Developing…

This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to OTB and Mudville.