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Top 10 Reasons Red Sox made Varitek Captain
10. Kevin Millar was un-willing to give up pre-game alcohol binge
9. Winner of last year’s “First one to Slap a Yankee like a girl gets to be Captain” contest
8. Red Sox Management didn’t want to sit through another one of Curt Schilling’s “If it wasn’t for God” press conferences
7. Has critical “Special Olympics Hugger” experience management was looking for
6. Knows how to coax Johnny Damon into barber chair with Jolly Ranchers
5. Can speak convincingly to any of Manny Ramirez’s multiple personalities
4. Knows special “tuck-in” technique for David Ortiz on road trips
3. Beat the snot out of a bat-boy in final “full-contact” round of Captain Selection
2. Knows how to work locker room fire extinguisher
1. Players fell for his “Less Running/More Cake” Campaign Promise
