Yes, you’ve won. You’re very proud, and you want to tell everyone about it. We understand your excitement. In an effort, though, to avoid some of the, shall we say, mistakes in judgement, that were made after the ALCS win a couple nights ago, we thought we’d offer some helpful tips to keep any future celebrations safe and healthy.

1) In general, attacking police is bad. “I was really fired up cause the Sox won” is probably not going to hold much value with a judge. Plus, remember that the police are Red Sox fans too. They may want to celebrate by pounding your skull with a nightstick after you lob a rock at them.

2) Stuff isn’t free because the Red Sox won. This one is sometimes hard to understand, but store owners still need to feed their families. Sure, it’s great to wake up with a new big screen TV, but remember, you didn’t really win anything—the players did.

3) Gravity still works when you’re drunk. Ain’t it crazy how you think you’re pretty indestructible after half a case of Schlitz? Well, we want to remind you that the Green Monster is pretty high. Some of your fellow fans found that out the hard way, when they jumped from it and their femurs came right through their knee caps.

4) Fire is hot. The desire to light things up when things are going well is one of the more perplexing instincts. Then other stuff catches fire, and, well, things get bad. If you must burn something, please do it in your own home.

5) When car-tipping, remember to lift with your legs. Hospitals were flooded with people who threw out their backs because they didn’t lift properly. When we’ve got a hospital full of drunk, fractured, burned people, we can’t spend time with people who can’t follow rules.

Thanks!The New York Yankees

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