9. “Okay. Two tickets to Les Mis for the person that comes up with the most creative way to tie this to the Bush administration. We’re talking front row loge seats here people, let’s move!”

8. “Hey, I’ve got an idea for a headline! How about, ‘Obama’s Pastor Falls Victim To Vast Wright Wing Conspiracy‘. See what I did there? I spelled Wright with a ‘w’ instead of an ‘r’.”

7. “Alright people. Let’s ask ourselves, ‘What would Jayson Blair do?’”

6. “I haven’t checked the wire in about ten minutes. Is Obama defending, condemning, or offering Wright a cabinet position now?”

5. “I think what would really finish this piece nicely is a Kanye West quote.”

4. “How’s this for an opening on the Wright piece? ‘April is on track to become the bloodiest month in Iraq for U.S. troops since they began their illegal occupation’?”

3. “‘April is on track to become the bloodiest month in Iraq for U.S. troops since they began their illegal occupation.’ Damn fine intro. It captures the essence of the Obama-Wright falling out very succinctly. Does anyone else smell a Pulitzer?”

2. “A guy that my husband works with told him that he heard it from a cousin that a woman that she knows has a friend who read on a blog that John McCain once had a tryst with Cher.”

1. “Which word do you think captures our utter lack of surprise at Wright’s multiple and well-documented inflammatory, racist, anti-American statements more: shocked, stunned, or flabbergasted?”

Hollywood icon Harrison Ford is currently appearing in an Internet video having his chest waxed. Ford, the star of such blockbuster franchises as Star Wars and Indiana Jones, decided to undergo the painful procedure as a way of demonstrating the pain that the Earth feels when deforestation occurs.

Too often celebrities are chastised by conservative pundits, radio hosts (see Laura Ingraham’s “Shut Up And Sing!“), or bloggers for not “putting their money where their mouth is.” We at TNOYF applaud Mr. Ford for taking a stand, and hope that other stars will follow suit.

Following are other noteworthy causes with our suggestions for celebrity activism.

9. Staple individual slices of Kraft cheese to a handcuffed Sean Penn and then unleash 1,000 Norway Rats to commemorate the spread of the bubonic plague in the late 1300s.

8. Cut out Barbara Streisand’s tongue to symbolize her unity with oppressed women in the Middle East.

7. Burn Oliver Stone’s books, impound his homes and vehicles, confiscate his money, and throw him in jail with no legal representation to show his unity with the plight of the much-maligned former Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

6. Program robots to perform painful anal probes on Nancy Pelosi to draw attention to discriminatory practices against illegal aliens.

5. Have Michael Moore’s core temperature raised to 147 degrees to symbolize the dramatic impact that global warming has had on the planet.

4. Perform a lobotomy on Reverend Jeremiah Wright to once and for all end the question over neurological differences between blacks and whites.

3. Cover Geraldo Rivera in brightly-colored papier-mache` and hang him from a tree near a group of stick-wielding juvenile delinquents to show support for the plight of undocumented immigrants.

2. Have the cast of The View hold a “Be A Baby Fur Seal For A Day” telethon during which they take turns clubbing each other to show support for the lovable aquatic mammals.

1. Feed Danny Glover to grey wolves to celebrate the carnivore’s return to prominence in the western United States due to the tireless efforts of animal rights activists.

Girl On the Right is posting saucy photos for every $100 she raises for the troops. Not to be outdone, Islamic Rage Boy is being forced has offered to post revealing photos of his own in exchange for additional sales of merchandise to help support the Canadian bloggers being sued by Richard Warman.

Since we’ve already cleared about $150 in profits for donation, here’s the first photo…

More to follow when we clear $200….

UPDATE: Islamic Rage Boy is now signing photos for infidels who purchase Islamic Rage Boy gear today. After you place your purchase , send an email to potfry@gmail.com with your name. Islamic Rage Boy will then send you a photo with a personalized death threat greeting via email (disclaimer: The Nose On Your Face is not responsible for the content of Islamic Rage Boy’s greetings). Below are autographed photos that have been sent to Kathy Shaidle at Five Feet Of Fury, Kate McMillan at Small Dead Animals, Ezra Levant, Connie and Mark at Free Dominion, Girl On The Right, and a special photo for Richard Warman are shown here.

New polling data reveals that Republican presidential candidate John McCain’s “luck quotient”, or “LQ”, has skyrocketed of late, and that he now only lags behind Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner (Go ahead. Subscribe here. You know you want to.) as the most fortunate senior citizen alive today. The study, conducted by the AARP, was released earlier this week.

“When we luck at a person’s LQ we take many things into consideration,” said Jack Murphy, the designer of the study. “Obviously we look at the number of good things that has happened to the individual. We also look closely at the quality of the good fortune in each instance. When we totaled all of these factors up, Senator McCain was found to have an LQ of 198. To put that into perspective, Hugh Hefner has an LQ of 227, while Arthur Sanderson, an octogenarian with dementia from Burlington, Vermont who became lost in the woods and was eaten by feral cats, had an LQ of 3.”

McCain’s string of good fortune was not lost on one veteran senior watcher.

“This guy must have shamrocks for nipples and a horseshoe for a spleen,” said firebrand senior citizen pundit Buford ‘I Remember When Gas was 1/10 Cent Per Gallon’ Jackson. “First he rises from the dead and despite looking like Gollum with advanced leprosy manages to somehow slip through the Republican nomination process. Then he gets to watch Obama and Clinton whack the hell out of each other for the better part of the past year while he sits back, sips tea and bones up on ‘Conservatism For Dummies’. I’m not a betting man, but if I were I’d say that Senator McRabbit-Foot there might want to schedule in ‘Bingo Night’ at his church before his luck changes.”

(In honor of “Warman Wednesday” we are reprinting our tribute to the noted free speech warrior to the north. Be sure to visit Michelle Malkin for a complete round-up of the day’s festivities. Also be sure to visit our store. All proceeds are still going to benefit the Canuck-6. We have raised $125 so far, and are aiming for $250. Please help them out!)

In maple leaf land roams a man most unique

So sit back and relax, for your interest he’ll pique.

He goes by the handle Richard Warman, Esquire

But others might call him a professional crier.

Yes, Richard has endured greetings far less than warm,

Why? Many say it is simply poor form.

Or maybe it’s just that he’s misunderstood,

For in his heart Richard only strives to do good.

I am quite perplexed by these terrible letters,

From those not accepting their Islamic betters.

Are burkas so bad? Must women learn?

Why make flags flammable if they weren’t meant to burn?

“Free speech” is always their rallying cry,

But please, is it “free” if your words make me cry?

For that is the crux of the matter you see,

Richard has a soul far more gentle than thee.

He holds housefly funerals, gets choked up by rain!

Far more than Bill Clinton, he does feel your pain.

He hugs the crushed chips in the big bag of Lays,

When he heard Waldo was lost, he sobbed nine long days!

And if there comes a time that you must controvert him,

Please use sticks or stones, ‘cuz words surely will hurt him.

More likely to sip a cosmo than a lager,

What really gets him verklempt are those neo-con bloggers.

Oh the words that they use oh those words, words, words, words!

Each one that they write gives me fits, flots, and flurds!

Don’t they realize just what their scary ideas might do

If there were no Richard Warman protecting you?

That Ezra Levant published Mohammed cartoonies,

Free Dominion is chock full o’ right wingy loonies!

Kate McMillan’s mean prose always gives me a frown,

And Kathy Shaidle maintains that I pee sitting down!

Did you know Jonathan Kay of the National Post

Is Hitler’s first cousin, far more vicious than most?

With his pluck and his grit, Richard takes on these cads

Else their cruel words leave hapless folks feeling quite bad.

At the top of the heap is that villain Mark Steyn,

Who I’ve chosen to let slide just this one time.

That Steyn is a scoundrel, he fills me with dread,

But damned if I can get that man out of my head!

That distinguished beard, oh-so-perfectly groomed

The accent that’s made many mere mortals swoon.

South African? British? I can’t quite detect,

But when he speaks, ‘neath my belt the blood all defects.

That hiney, those pecs, fairly make me scream out,

“Hey there big guy, you been working out?”

But alas, as you see, I’ve begun to digress

(As often happens to me from his pure Steyninesss).

Though briefly distracted from his most noble of causes,

Richard Warman, Esquire takes the shortest of pauses.

Then quickly returns to the business he should,

Filtering mean speech for the far greater good.

Tis a burden quite great, to you I confess,

Having always to judge for my country what’s best.

If I let my guard down for even a sec,

Why your minds would be filled with the most vile dreck!

What, you might ask, drives this warrior on?

What makes him right wrongs from late dusk until dawn?

Some say as a child he received one wedgie too many

From Dalton, Ned, Zeke, and that one-legged dwarf Benny.

He limped home that night, quite embarrassed and swollen,

And commenced extracting his briefs from his colon.

And when he was calm, and his insides undressed,

He looked in the mirror and whispered one word: “unless.”

Unless I fight back, unless they all pay,

Other kids might get super-wedgies today!

Or-even worse- someone might speak to them curtly,

And leave them with feelings all injured and hurtly.

Or, horror of horrors, disagree with their themes,

Rendering their lives battles ‘gainst low self-esteem.

So pay they all must, for I will make a stand

How much? I’d say roughly ’bout fifty grand.

PLEASE SUPPORT OUR CANADIAN FRIENDS

After bursting onto the Republican presidential scene with much fanfare last year, Fred Thompson’s star slowly, methodically, and inexplicably burned out. Some say his heart just was not in the race. Others opined that he was ill-prepared for the fast-paced world of presidential primaries. Still others maintained that Thompson’s age was the biggest contributing factor to his lack of enthusiasm, and eventual poor showing. However, Thompson (the star of such smash films as Die Hard II: Die Harder and The Hunt for Red October) himself paints a very different picture for the reasons behind his unsuccessful bid for the presidency.

“Look, I’ve never been one to beat around the bush, so I’ll be very blunt about my campaign,” said the former Law & Order star. “I tanked it. I was just dialing it in. Self-sabotage. The fix was in. Why? I’ll tell you why. Jimmy Carter hasn’t been looking well lately. The eyes are droopier than usual. His shoulders are just a bit more hunched than in years past.

“He’s got the scent of death all over him. In fact, the Vegas line on him dropping dead within the next four years is 2:1. Now math was never my strong suit, but I reckon this all means that the next President is likely to get the oh-so-special treat of eulogizing Jimmy Carter. And truth be told, folks, I’d rather inherit a depression than have to speak kindly about the peanut-farming, terrorist-loving merchant of malaise.

“I mean, how would that have gone? ‘What more can I say about this man that the Iranian mullahs, Hamas, and the U.N. has not already said?’ Or, maybe, ‘Jimmy Carter. No other president had anywhere near the number of passport stamps from the Middle East as this man.’ Better yet, ‘Boy, he sure could build the Hell out of some low-income housing, huh?’ Thanks, but no.”

In his own inimitable manner, Thompson went on to assess his chances had Carter been in better health.

“Could I have won the presidency? Does a jackrabbit bask in the moonglow when the crow flies at half mast through the briar patch?”

Fresh off his Mission of Peace in the Middle East, former President Jimmy Carter recounts his trip with Keith Olbermann.

Welcome to Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Good evening. It is not everyday that you have the opportunity to interview a living legend. A pioneer. A man who has done more good for the world than all of the knuckle-draggers who have ever lived in the state of Texas combined. That man is former President Jimmy Carter. Welcome President Carter.

It’s great to be here Keith. And may I say, I really admired your work on SportsCenter.

You are far too kind, sir. President Carter, you recently returned from a groundbreaking tour of the Middle East where you met with some moderate Arab groups including the leadership of Hamas. Many dignitaries, including former Republican presidents, have made similar outreach efforts. Why then do you think that those on the right have been so quick to criticize your peace efforts?

I have to say that I was a bit surprised by that myself. I mean, I am a man of peace. I am also a man of dialogue and logic. It seemed like the logical thing to do. Have a dialogue with other interested parties about peace. See how I tied the three together there?

Masterfully done, sir. So when you looked in the Hamas leader’s culturally equal eyes, what did you see staring back at you?

I saw a man. Just a man. Like you or like me. Granted, he is a man that has a very different view on how the world should be. But who am I–who is anyone–to say that our perspective is more valid than his?

Damn it, yes! That’s exactly right! Who are we to judge others? Did you hear that, George Bush? President Carter, I implore you, don’t waste your time worrying about the fascist, neo-con naysayers who have tried to play down the significance of your efforts. Remember, Neville Chamberlain was not appreciated in his time either.

That’s right Keith. Prime Minister Chamberlain’s pivotal role in history has often been misunderstood and, dare I say, distorted. Upon his return from his meeting with Hitler, many saw his declaration of “peace in our time” as sign that he had been duped by the German leader. He met with Hitler twice in 1938. World War II ended in 1945. I am no mathematician, Keith, but it seems to me that he kept his promise. We did have peace in his time.

Yes!!! You see, that’s what makes you in my book, the greatest president this country has ever seen. Your ability to see things that no one else can see. To cut through all of the political posturing and pseudo-humanitarian whimpering about “all of the Jews that died at the hands of Hitler” blah, blah, blah.

Well, when you make an omelet…

Precisely! Now, Mr. President, there are those on the right who will point to the Hamas charter and say that some of its language categorically excludes Hamas from involvement in any peace negotiations. I’m speaking specifically of the language that expresses Hamas’ frustration with Israel’s repressive policies.

You mean the line, “Israel will exist and continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it.”

Exactly. Clearly the cry of a peace-loving tolerant people under the yolk of of repressive tyranny. But Israel and the Bush Administration take it out of context by focusing on one word…

Yes, “obliterate” seems to be a bit polarizing for Israelis. But I’m thrilled to report that I had extensive discussions with Hamas about potential revisions to their charter, and they are willing to consider some alternative words to address these unfounded, silly fears.

I can’t say I’m surprised. Yet another Hamas olive branch. What words are being considered?

“Annihilate” and “decimate.”

I like them both. They clearly soften without changing intent.

I suggested “irradiate” and we all had a good laugh.

I’m sure you did. Well, Mr. President, that’s about all we have time for. I understand you’re off on another peace-keeping mission?

That’s right Keith. I’m heading on over to Africa to stay for a few weeks with the duly elected president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe. Except I call him Mugsy–it’s an inside joke. We laugh about that all the time.

It’s really a crime the way they are trying to steal the election from him. Anyone else smell a connection with Florida in 2000?

Aww, stop it Keith! You’re cracking me up here!

Always a pleasure Mr. President. Do me a favor? Build an extra nice house for Mugsy while you’re there. It seems like he could use the support.

Alright, will do Keith. Take care.