So as I was saying Salaam, I’ve pretty much got this nomination wrapped up. Then it’s a quick race–no pun intended–against the old white guy. By this time next year, Oprah Winfrey, Overstock.com, and orgasms will all be bowing down to the original “Big O!”

 

Not so fast Captain Q-Tip.

 

 

Huh? Oh hi, John-Kerry-in-a-sperm-costume-crawling-out-of-a-giant-mechanized-vagina. What are you doing here?

 

 

Trying to save you some embarrassment, and a boatload of cash.

 

 

What are you talking about?

 

 

Bang bang bang bang! Got you Haji!* You tell your pal Johnny Quest I’m coming for him next! Hee-haw!

 

 

Michael-Dukakis-playing-tank-machine-gunner-wearing-what-appears-to-be-a-comically-oversized-helmet? Okay fellas, what is going on here?

 

 

Isn’t it obvious? We’re here to welcome you to the club.

 

 

What club?

 

 

“What club,” he says. Don’t play coy with us, Barack. The “Poorly Thought-Out Photo-Ops That Have Jettisoned Potentially Promising Political Campaigns Club ,” of course.

 

 

Bang bang bang! Hey come on, I got you Haji. If you’re not going to play fair don’t play at all.

 

 

Look guys, no offense, but I hardly think that this falls into that category.

 

 

You know Barack, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. Bang, bang, bang! Fall down, damn it!

 

 

Look, there’s no comparison here. You guys were trying to be something you weren’t. I’m not doing that.

 

 

So…you are a Muslim?

 

 

 

Yes…no…that’s not what I meant. Stop it will you? These questions are hard! And anyways, you shouldn’t be one to talk, John-Kerry-in-a-sperm-costume. My question is, how did they decide on that particular campaign-wrecking picture?

 

 

I’m quite sure I haven’t the foggiest notion of what you’re talking about.

 

 

No? Maybe my friend here can help to jog your memory a bit.

 

 

Ummmppphh!

 

 

Why, that photo was doctored anyone can see…

 

 

Oh? And this fella here?

 

 

Aghadabaahhh!

 

 

Now that one is clearly doctored as…

 

 

Windsurfing-John-Kerry-photograph reporting for duty!!

 

 

All right now you’re just being cruel and…

 

 

You asked for it.

 

 

Tender-comfortable-with-his-feminine-side-John-Kerry-photograph here. I’ll be right with you as soon as I tend to my partners terribly chafed, yet remarkably strong, chin.

 

 

AAAHHHH!!!!! No mas!! No mas!!

 

 

Score another one for the O-man!

 

 

Hey fellas, how come I wasn’t invited?

 

 

Bang, bang! You’re dead! I finally got you Helen Thomas!

 

 

Wuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhzzzzuuuuuppppp!!!!!!!

 

 

Huh? Generic-Dennis-Kucinich photograph? How does that fit in with your club?

 

 

You’re joking, right? Every Dennis Kucinich photograph is included in the club. Or to paraphrase Sy Sperling, “Not only is he a member, he’s also the founder.”

 

 

Hey, who invited the hot chick with all the bling? I’d like to take her for a long voyage aboard my Promtheus Class Imperial Transport and interface with her pleasure modules, if you know what I’m talking about. And I think you do.

 

 

*Haji reference was first made by Dinah Lord commenting at The Jawa Report. 

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