Our good friend Brian Ledbetter at the excellent photojournalism site Snapped Shot, has gotten a very raw deal from the folks at the Associated Press. It involves threatening him with a lawsuit. Please visit Snapped Shot to learn more about the situation. We aren’t exactly sure why the AP has chosen to pick on Brian, but we do have several theories.

9. There is no sense having high-paid lawyers on retainer if you can’t use them to threaten a blogger who is trying to perform a valuable service.

8. They thought he was that other Brian Ledbetter. You know, the pedophile who “bedazzles” his zipper with Milk Duds and Jaw Breakers and hangs out at Chuck E. Cheese restaurants on “Low IQ Appreciation Day.”

7. They were going to have a go at “Ralph Nader,” but decided that had been done to death.

6. His middle name is “Hussein.”

5. They really love our Top 9 Lists and were hoping to get one dedicated to them.

4. They are hoping that this will finally make Islamic Rage Boy like them enough to take the Senior Middle Eastern Protest Correspondent gig that they have been offering him for the past year and a half,

3. The New York Times wanted to do it, but they have their hands full at the moment.

2. They discovered that Brian used several “inappropriate pictures” of Vicki Iseman a while back.

1. While Brian always credits their pictures, he also insists on writing “-ss -irates” after the A and P.

Also see: Transcript Of Meeting Where AP Decided To Take Action Against Snapped Shot

While reviewing our e-mail as we do from time to time here at The Nose On Your Face, we came across a thought-provoking tidbit from a reader in Amsterdam, Holland who identifies himself simply as “a Muslim.” (Editor’s Note: The writer did not not in fact mention his gender. We took the liberty of assuming that he is a male since the use of any post-4th century technology by Muslim women is punishable by a vigorous genital caning followed by a slow, painful death).

His note:

to the maker & creator of this website & all those posting stuff thinking they are funny somehow, the only good thing you are doing here is that you are confirming your reservation tickets (inshallah) to HELL, where you well be hung by your tongue, found humilated on the ground, noone to rescue you, you will say: i wish i was a muslim & i wish i can go back in time to do so.

if i could live millions of years & die & live again & die & live again & keep dieing & coming back to life again, i will always want to be a muslim believing & worshipping only one God (Allah), & following the techings of his last prophet Mohmammed Peace Be Upon Him.

look & stare at your inner self & think deeply about what are you doing here, be human enough & save yourself, no one will save YOU.

As you can imagine, we were quite disturbed by some of the content of Mr. Muslim’s e-mail. It caused us to do a good deal of painful soul-searching. Have we been thinking we are funny somehow? Do we really want to confirm our reservation tickets to HELL at this time? And more importantly, do we have to give a wide range of travel times and live with non-refundable tickets the way Priceline used to make you do? Neither of us are exactly “morning people” so we’d hate to get jammed up with a 5:00 a.m. flight to HELL, all caps or not.

No offense intended to Mr. Muslim, but after we looked at his note again we began thinking that maybe HELL wouldn’t really be so bad compared to reading the e-mail we had just struggled through for a second time. Then we got really introspective and deep (which gives us pounding headaches) and Potfry looked at me and said, “But if it’s really HELL, wouldn’t that mean that this guy would be there every day reciting his writings to us over and over and over again?” That thought really blew us away, so we quietly ate Cheetos for a while in silence.

Next we contemplated this statement from Mr. Muslim:

you will say…if i could live millions of years & die & live again & die & live again & keep dieing & coming back to life again, i will always want to be a muslim

This one had us flummoxed. Living for millions of years and then dying and then living again doesn’t make you a Muslim, it makes you Highlander. Well, this perked us up because we are both HUGE Highlander fans, but we couldn’t seem to recall any Muslims in either the movie or the TV series. Then I remembered that the only way to kill Highlander is to chop his head off. Since no one has been able to do this yet, we were sure that there hadn’t been any.

Mr. Muslim really lost us at this point though:

…think deeply about what are you doing here,…

Look, if we wanted to think deeply we wouldn’t be sitting around making up fake stories at all hours of the day and night. We decided Mr. Muslim sounds an awful lot like our wives* so we sort of tuned out the rest of his message. (*That’s just one wife each. I don’t know how you guys do it with seven or eight wives. I mean, I guess it helps that you can just bury them up to their necks in the town square and then huck stones at them if they displease you. We aren’t quite that progressive here yet.)

Even though Mr. Muslim was a bit put off by our efforts to engage the Islamic community, it’s still great to see that we have such a diverse group of readers throughout the world. We have everything from irate Muslims in Yemen, to splenetic followers of Islam in Indonesia, to cantankerous disciples of Mohammed in the Netherlands. Our Sitemeter geography reports have become a veritable tapestry of far-flung Islamic nationalities.

One last thing. The post that caused him such discomfort has been republished below in its entirety.

The news that a British teacher in Sudan was sentenced to 15 days in jail for allowing her students to name a Teddy Bear “Mohammed” reflects more than simply a clash of religious beliefs and cultures– it also reveals that the Muslim world fails to see the amazing untapped potential of the Mohammed brand.

It’s our belief that American marketers would be thrilled to create Mohammed-licensed products that generate new revenue opportunities and build bridges to the Islamic community. Conversely, this represents a unique opportunity for Islam to communicate the tenets of its belief system to the traditional American community.

It’s a win-win situation.

We’ve taken the liberty of creating some prototypes that reflect the amazing potential of this co-marketing relationship. CLICK ALL TO ENLARGE.

BABY MOHAMMED WETS-A-LOT

 

Be the envy of your entire madrassa with the new Baby Mohammed Wets-A-Lot doll from Haraamboro Inc.! 3 Realistic Action Settings — diaper-wetting, binky-sucking, and indiscriminate-stabbing– add to the fun of this terrific toy!

 

“MUTILATION” BOARD GAME

 

Does your youngster dream of getting his medical degree, setting up a practice in a Western nation, and then plotting the death of scores of infidels? Does he have a talent for genital mutilation that far outstrips his chronological age? Then Mutilation with Mohammed is the game to help harness his precocious energies!

 

METRO-MALIBU MOHAMMED AND HIS LIFE-PARTNER BARRY

 

Tired of the Q’aran’s archaic attitudes towards homosexuality? Do you find yourself answering “b” when the other junior jihadis ask you the question: Is that a suicide belt around your waist or are you just happy to see me? Then Metro-Malibu Mohammed is the doll for you! Comes in: Tramp Stamp; Reach Around; and Full Body Wax (pictured) editions. (Life-Partner Barry and Glory-Hole Allah sold separately.)

 

MOHAMMED 8-BALL

 

Unsure of the proper protocol for addressing insults to the Prophet? Have a question as to why the Q’aran refuses to follow the “q-u” rule? Just need another opinion on which country’s flag to burn at the demonstration this evening? Then the Mohammed 8-Ball is your choice! You and your friends will be treated to a variety of answers that include: “My sources say burn an American flag.”; “Slit the pig’s throat.”; and the very popular, “It was the Jews fault.”

 

“MOHAMMEDOPOLY”

 

 

Visit Papyrus Place. Take a stroll down the mean streets of Islamabad Avenue. Just be sure to avoid a detour to Israel! It’s capitalism-meets-genital-caning in the great new game Mohammedopoly that is sure to provide hours of fun for the whole family*. (*By “whole family,” we mean heterosexual males of violence-producing age)

 

PROPHET MINI-WHEATS

 

Plotting the new caliphate is difficult enough without having to worry about the functionality of your colon. Stay regular in an irregular world with new Prophet Mini-Wheats!

 

UPDATE: MOHAMMED BRAND CONDOMS! CLICK TO ENLARGE.

Now call us naive, but what we found particularly upsetting was the fact that we attempted to reach out and build bridges to the Islamic community and roundly had our hand slapped away by Mr. Muslim. Since neither one of us does particularly well with rejection, we aren’t likely to open ourselves up to other people anytime in the near future.

The news that the “virtual fence” along the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona “doesn’t meet contract requirements for detecting border intrusions,” and may require replacement, has understandably caused quite a stir. Many are wondering why upwards of $85.5 million dollars had been spent, and angry questions are being raised about the reasons for the functional deficiencies.

TNOYF has learned the stunning issue at the center of the debate: the virtual border fence only performs well against virtual Mexicans, raising allegations from the formidable virtual Mexican community of a discriminatory immigration policy on the part of the United States.

“Blatant avatar discrimination,” seethed Hector Valdez, spokesman of La Raza Virtuales. “The United States claims that it is trying to manage illegal crossings by all Mexicans, but we believe there will soon be a sad trail of digital animation that suggests otherwise.”

The U.S. government denied that there was any deliberate attempt to target any one specific group of people, but one anonymous border patrol agent said that test runs of the virtual fence had only netted a group of “heavily pixelated, poorly-rezzed” Mexicans.

TNOYF’s New York Times mole has provided us with another behind the scenes transcript of an editorial brainstorming session. As amateurs in the fake news business, we find we can learn a lot from the masters.

Let’s listen in!

——

Bill Keller, NY Times Editor

Good morning everyone. As many of you know, there was a bit of a dust-up over the John McCain-Vicki Iseman piece we ran last week. For the life of me, I cannot understand why, but my sense is we’ve once again overestimated the ability of the average American to extrapolate the truth from a careful blend of innocuous facts and New York Times-grade supposition. Whatever the case, the important thing is that we need to keep our heads in the game and get back to the rock-solid journalism that has made the New York Times the “paper of record.” Okay, what have you got for me today?

Paul Krugman

Hey chief, I have it on good authority from my wife’s rolfing therapist, who has another client who once took a class at a community college where the instructor knew a Vietnam vet who was in combat with another guy who had some pretty interesting things to say about Senator McCain.

I’m listening.

Turns out Senator Straight Talk took a liking to the taste of human flesh during his time in ‘Nam. More specifically, it seems that his favorite food came directly off of the bones of young Asian boys. Thigh meat was his meal of choice, although he apparently wouldn’t turn down any parts, if you know what I mean.

Can we verify any of this?

Well, it depends on how you’re defining “verify.” If it’s the antiquated “prove” definition, not exactly. However, when you take “verify” in its modern, more progressive definition, we feel pretty comfortable that its true.

Well, we are progressive.

With a capital “P,”chief.

Great, this one has definite potential. While I’d like to see some more sourcing, don’t let it get in the way of bringing a critical piece of information to the American people. I’ve got to believe that once they see the element of interracial cannibalism, they won’t be interested in any petty journalistic squabbles about appropriate sourcing. Maureen, what have you got?

Maureen Dowd

I had a dream last night that McCain trafficked in child pornography in the late 1990s.

I like it so far. Any details?

Yes, it was one of those incredibly vivid, lifelike dreams that you just know is grounded in reality. It’s like I was right there watching him at his computer with his pants around his ankles as he hit the “bookmark this” option on his latest bit of kiddie smut. If I actually believed in hell, he would deserve to rot in it!

That sick bastard. Okay, this one is good too. Damn good. We still have some room on the front page though. Anybody else?

Scott Shane

What would you say if I told you that John McCain not only engages in repeated, extremely kinky extra-marital affairs, but does so with animals on the endangered species list?

He wouldn’t dare…

Oh yes he would. Marine turtles. Baby pandas–

Not the-

Yes. The spotted owl.

NOOOOOOOO!

Yes. In fact, occasionally he would enjoy the company of several species at the same time. Something the good Senator refers to as a “menage a fauna.”

I am simply speechless. Just when you think you’ve heard it all, someone tops it with a monstrously depraved act like this. Sources?

Not “traditional” sources, no. But I’ve got a really strong hunch about this one.

I respect a journalist who goes with his instincts. Well done. Okay folks, we lead with Scott’s piece. Let’s get a move on. The news isn’t just going to happen on its own! Let’s move!

Democratic front-runner Barack Obama quickly fired back today after Hillary Clinton’s campaign team allegedly leaked a photo of Obama wearing native Somali garb during a visit to the country in 2006. In response, Team Obama released a photo of a revealing bust of Hillary Clinton with a statement that said, “the image speaks for itself.”

Later in the day, Obama spoke to reporters.

“Hillary Clinton has masterfully crafted an image of androgyny in order to chase both male and female voters,” he said. “It’s time that some clarity was brought to her gender. If she’s going to remind voters of my not-so-hazy ancestral connections to generously pierced African warlords, we’re going to keep her mammaries in the discussion.”

Comrade:

This is a simple test we use at The New York Times to ensure that our employees reflect a variety of social, political, and economic beliefs. Please read each question thoroughly, and then select your answer with a number 2 pencil. When you complete the exam, please place it in the box marked “Politburo” at the front of the room.

Remember, there are no wrong answers (except on questions 2,5,7,8,13 and 17).

If at any time you feel that you are being pressured in absentia by George Bush and his cronies, please notify a test monitor immediately.

1. Which of the following statements best describes your political leanings:

a. I consider myself a far more progressive Nancy Pelosi.

b. Bush lied, people died!

c. I have George Soros on speed dial.

d. I feel Stalin never really took it to that “next level.”

2. Complete the following: “Bush is to Hitler as…”

a. Jeffrey Dahmer is to Clay Aiken.

b. A serial rapist is to a benign snuggler.

c. Full-blown AIDS is to a hangnail.

d. A skyscraper is to Lincoln Logs.

3. The War in Iraq can best be described as:

a. An unmitigated disaster. And illegal.

b. The Mesopotamian Vietnam. And illegal.

c. Illegal. And Illegal.

d. Started by Bush on a dare from one of his “Skull & Bones” buddies after a week-long cocaine bender. And illegal.

4. You are a reporter in the field in Iraq. You come across a scene where you witness members of the resistance movement detonate an empty building, scatter teddy bears and children’s toys throughout the rubble, and douse the entire scene with goats’ blood. After a brief make-up session, they begin to wail at the sky while holding an unexploded shell casing that has “Infudell Xplosifs” written on the side in crayon. What do you do?

a. There are teddy bears in the rubble for goodness sake! I must set aside my training as an unbiased newsman and help dig the children out, although they were probably evaporated by the force of the blast.

b. Report the American soldiers’ war crimes to the proper authorities. In this case, the AP would have jurisdiction.

c. Apologize profusely for America’s punitive foreign policies that have forced these noble freedom fighters into such desperate measures, and then help to burn George Bush in effigy.

d. Immediately remove my Che Guevera t-shirt and replace it with an Osama bin Laden one to demonstrate my unity with the cause.

5. Why are conservatives so stupid?

a. Because if they were brilliant, they would then be called “liberals.”

b. Studies show that over time, repeatedly running over spotted owls in an SUV and then drinking their blood from your personalized “frat mug” can lower IQ’s by nearly 65%.

c. That is a patently unfair statement. It is not right to stereotype an entire ideology like that. I am deeply offended… almost had you! Actually, I think it’s because of lead exposure from their weekly oil baths.

d. Why is Rosie O’Donnell so reasonable? Why does Bush hate black people? I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.

6. Why do you think the victim in the Duke lacrosse case changed her story and lied for her white rapists?

a. Have you ever been cornered in an alley by ten college boys in full lacrosse gear?

b. Bush’s hit squad got to her.

c. Stockholm Syndrome.

d. It’s due to her low self-esteem resulting from Bush’s failed economic policies, which in turn forced her to earn her living as an exotic dancer.

7. Why is Europe so much better than America?

a. Because they drink espresso.

b. Because they do that cool thing with their pinkies when they drink their espresso.

c. Because they do that cool thing with their pinkies when they drink their espresso in chic little cafes with their legs crossed while exhorting mobs of disenfranchised Muslim youth to stand up against the evils of their intolerant Western oppressors.

d. Because they recognized the genius of Hasselhoff and Jerry Lewis when the Cro-Magnonesque American public could not.

8. Which best describes your feelings on abortion?

a. Hey, you have a bad tooth, you get it pulled. What’s the difference?

b. Abortion is necessary because condoms prevent mind-blowing orgasms.

c. The partial-birth abortion is the best of both worlds: it lets the mom see her baby briefly before it is brained.

d. Why the abortion option stops at birth is beyond me.

9. What do you see in this image?

a. Sanctified ovaries recently purged of a fetal infestation.

b. George Bush raping a baby harp seal while Ann Coulter holds it down and Karl Rove plays the harmonica.

c. A prenatal Che Guevera t-shirt.

d. The baby harp seal receiving a partial birth abortion.

10. Karl Rove leaves Washington DC in an over-sized, gas guzzling SUV traveling west at 1:30pm EST. Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld departs from San Francisco heading east in a fully armed Blackhawk helicopter that receives even more dreadful gas mileage at 2:25pm PST. Assuming there is a 15 mph wind blowing north to east, where will they meet up to plot the rape and destruction of yet another defenseless Third World country populated entirely by brown-skinned people?

a. This is a trick question. Rumsfeld was declared illegal in San Francisco back in 2002. The only remaining gun in that town has been kept in order to shoot him on sight if he ever attempts to return.

b. This is a trick question. Karl Rove is not a real person. He was invented by the right in order to strike fear into the hearts of liberals. Sort of like the Werewolf, Jesus Christ, and the Dread Pirate Roberts.

c. This is a trick question. There is no way to know where or even if they would meet up, since Rove’s SUV driver would clearly be operating under orders to run over any Mexicans, African-Americans, homosexuals, and Muslims on the way, thus causing innumerable stops. And Rumsfeld’s Blackhawk would be diverted to gun down spotted owl sanctuaries a minimum of several dozen times.

d . I hope Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld get gang-raped by a pack of Cape Buffaloes with elephantitus of the genitalia, while Susan Estrich sings an a cappella version of “Camptown Races” from atop the horns of the dominant male.

11. Your flight from San Francisco to New York is diverted due to the scaremongering tactics of the neo-con pilot who was concerned about the behavior of four Middle Eastern students in the back of the plane. These culturally-equal individuals were merely sanitizing their box cutters with a Bic lighter in preparation for an emergency cliterectomy they were set to perform on a whorish flight attendant who had offended their religious sensibilities by showing too much ankle. Your flight is forced to land in a red state. What do you do?

a. After soothing the wounds of the four Middle Eastern students with your All Things Are Possible Through Allah speech, you report the pilot’s completely unjustified, Islamophobic actions to the proper authorities. In this instance, CAIR has jurisdiction.

b. Consider the possibility that the plane slipped through a rip in the time-space continuum, and you are now in a neo-con parallel universe called “Ocla-home-a.”

c. After consulting your Red State Survival Guide, you immediately purchase a flannel shirt, put in a chaw of tobacco, tongue kiss your sister, and hold your hand over an open flame until your fingers become webbed, in order to blend in with the natives.

d. Reach into your carry-on and pull out your unabridged copy of The Complete Chomsky Companion, and ask the passenger in the next seat to beat you to death with it.

12. You are at your desk and you receive a call from one of the top U.S. commanders in Iraq with an exclusive story he wants to give to you, and only you. He claims he has irrefutable evidence (backed by video, extensive documentation, and eyewitness accounts from a wide variety of sources), that Al Qaeda in Iraq are being routed and the tide has turned strongly in favor of America and her allies. How do you handle the situation?

a. You say, “BEEP. You’ve reached the Compulsive Liar Hotline. All of our operators are currently busy assisting other neo-con warmongers.”

b. Ask him for his name to see if it would rhyme well with anything for the next discounted Moveon.org ad.

c. You say, “Nice try Mr. Rove, but I’d know that piercing, bloodthirsty voice anywhere.”

d. You respond to every single thing he says with, “I know you are, but what am I?” until he hangs up.

13. True or Not False: As a boy, Ronald Reagan shaved baby squirrels with a rusty straight razor and then Super-Glued them to the holster of his six-shooter for decorative purposes.

a . True

b. Not False

14. True or Not False: “Cheney” is an old Cherokee word that literally translated means “he who slaughters innocents, while his daughter munches squaw-wampum.”

a. True

b. Not False

 

15. Every time a civilian is killed in Iraq…

a. Their face is tattooed to George Bush’s back, under the heading “Don’t mess with Texas.”

b. Dick Cheney’s loins stir.

c. A lock of their hair is added to Donald Rumsfeld’s commemorative “Dead Iraqi” pillow.

d. A dead Republican gets his wings.

16. On your way to Starbucks, you witness what some less enlightened people might call “rape.” You, however, see the scene for what it is: a slightly under-documented immigrant who, exhausted by a full day of picking peaches for the man, has accidentally tripped, lost his pants, and is falling repeatedly into the orifice of a woman whose hair accidentally became entangled in his hand in the supermarket parking lot. What action do you take?

a. Tout the benefits of your short hair-do to the woman as the noble immigrant tries to extricate himself

b. Run back to the supermarket to purchase some detangling hair spray.

c. Ask the woman if she has better things to do than keep an exhausted field hand from his family with her Medusa-like hair and treacherous girl-parts.

d. In a spontaneous moment of camaraderie and respect, lick the dirty peach juice off the back of Jose while singing “La Cucuracha.”

 

17. Complete the following sentence: The drunk, trench-coat clad Catholic priest lured the young boy with promises of ____________.

a) Jolly Ranchers.

b) A limited edition “Mecha John the Baptist” card with 1,000 extra hit points from the Pokegod collection.

c) A “Get Out of Hell Free” card.

d) A very special “Sit and Spin” ride.

18. If George Bush has the heads of six Iraqi children, and trades two to Paul Wolfowitz in exchange for three kitten heads, what is the proportionate value of an Iraqi child to an American kitten on the Neo-Con Severed Head Exchange (NCSHE)? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

19. What does G. Gordon Liddy put on his cereal in the morning?

a. Ashes of ACLU lawyers.

b. Gunpowder.

c. Thin slices of spleen from a baby albino rhinoceros.

d. All of the above

20. Given the following information, select the best lead-in for your column today.

“It is a sunny, slightly breezy Tuesday.”

a. Leading scientists say that a series of Category 5 hurricanes are set to demolish upwards of 75% of U.S. port cities within the month. One meteorological expert noted that this looming catastrophe is directly linked to President Bush’s failure to ratify the Kyoto Treaty.

b. While many Americans bask in the unseasonably warm temperatures, poverty-stricken citizens in coastal communities work day and night sandbagging their homes against a rising ocean fed by glacier melt.

c. Lured by the promise of a better life, a dozen document-challenged Mexicans roasted to death under a hot sun in Southern Texas after getting trapped in a sandstorm generated by today’s breezy conditions.

d. American imperialism appears to be at its apex on this sunny, slightly breezy Tuesday.

As Ezra Levant’s battles against institutionalized stupidity continue north of the border (excellent background on the story here), our TNOYF artists have been hard at work drawing up some sharp new Ezra Levant gear. Ezra’s given us his blessing to use his likeness, so the designs you see below are now for sale in the TNOYF store, on mugs, t-shirts, sweatshirts, etc. Just click on the “Free Ezra” section.

All profit from sales of Ezra gear will go to his legal defense fund. This amount varies by product; we promise to be completely transparent in our reports (you can also visit Cafe Press to learn about pricing; we’ve marked everything up to premium, so the difference between that and the base price of the product you buy will be your donation).

We’ll also donate the profits from sales of any Islamic Rage Boy gear through the end of February to Ezra’s legal defense fund.

As we discovered when we tried to trademark Islamic Rage Boy and were rebuffed by the U.S. Patent Office on the grounds that the term would be disparaging to Muslims, the fight against what Brian Anderson calls “illiberal liberalism” is constant and maddening. Ezra Levant is on the front line of the latest battle– so buy a t-shirt and support his efforts.

(Full Disclosure: there is a “The Nose On Your Face” logo on the back of some of the shirts.)

Click here to visit store.

Check out Ezra’s recent appearance on Glenn Beck via Ms. Underestimated.

TNOYF’s Video Tribute To Ezra

9. He defecates hope, urinates dreams, perspires justice, expectorates butterfly kisses, and cries tears of racial equality.

8. While his home planet was in the throes of destruction as the result of a thermonuclear chain reaction deep within its unstable uranium core, Obama (nee Bar-El) managed to escape and make it to Earth where he is well on his way to fulfilling his destiny.

7. Admits that getting body art of Jim Jones on his back as a young man showed “a grave error in judgment.” Has since covered it up with a tattoo of David Keresh high-fiving L. Ron Hubbard.

6. While it is widely acknowledged that Denny Terrio taught John Travolta to dance for his role in the iconic film Saturday Night Fever, it is not as commonly known that Terrio learned his art by studying at the feet of one Barack Obama.

5. After doctors removed kidney stones from the senator in 2006, they accidentally dropped them on the operating room floor. Within minutes fifty money trees sprang up, neatly framing the entrance to the newly formed gum-drop swamp and hot fudge waterfall.

4. Feels that those who have dubbed his personal entourage his “posse” are racist and small-minded, noting that he much prefers the terms “apostles” or “disciples.”

3. Contrary to popular belief he does not walk on water. He prefers a light jog.

2. Is second only to Robert Byrd in Senate history for the record of talking for the longest time without actually saying anything.

1. Was actually born Eugene Michael Boyce, but changed his name just to make the 2008 election close.

9. Accepted a job as an expert judge on Fox’s new reality show, “Making the Totalitarian Despot.”

8. Tired of all of the toxic pro-American sentiment in Cuba, he’s going to move in with Michael Moore for awhile. Just to get himself grounded again.

7. Has been hired as an economic development consultant by the City of San Francisco.

6. Wanted to have more time to throw rotten food and feces at all of the librarians, authors, and political dissidents he has jailed.

5. Headed to a more technologically advanced country like Haiti or Sierra Leone to receive more cutting edge health care in his dying years.

4. Moving to America and running for president on the Democratic ticket to offer voters a more moderate choice.

3. After holding out for decades, finally took a position as the crazy uncle who lives in your basement.

2. Isn’t really stepping down. He was just filming an elaborate hoax for Ashton Kutcher’s hilarious show “Punk’d: Havana Style.”

1. Heard there was an opening for a Senior Human Rights Editor at the New York Times.

The video version of this Top 9 List is viewable at the TNOYF You-Tube page.

Fidel Castro announced today that he would not seek a new term as Cuba’s president, citing concerns that at 81, it may be difficult for him to serve the full, constitutionally-mandated 49 year term.

In a statement, Castro said, “My elemental duty is not to cling to positions, much less to stand in the way of younger persons like my 76 year old brother Raul. It’s time I delivered on the promise I made to him as a youngster: ‘Raul,‘ I said, ‘you keep my cigars lit, and maybe someday I will let you run Cuba.’ Well, that day has come, and I trust that the good people of Cuba remember that Fidel knows what’s best for them when they decide on my successor.”

While the exact nature of Castro’s ailments have not been disclosed, many suspect he suffers from chronic fatigue syndrome.

The new BBC program that addresses the tough issues facing global jihadists, with your host, Islamic Rage Boy. This week, a discussion of the differences in the Ashura celebrations in Brooklyn, NY and the Mid-East.

Guest Commentary by Lisa Marie Nowak

I can still vividly recall Valentine’s Day from my kindergarten year. It was a chilly February morn. A light snow was falling and I was awash with excitement. My true love and I were planning on a fun-filled day of pre-pubescent amour, even though he kept insisting that I was not his girlfriend. I discovered early on that when boys say “leave me the hell alone”, they really mean “yes”.

Unfortunately, I was “sick” and mom decided to keep me home, a decision she’d soon regret. I wasn’t going to let something as innocuous as a 104 degree fever, a few petit mal seizures, and an overbearing mother slow me down. Love was in the air.

My man Billy Sanders was counting on me to deliver his Holly Hobby valentine and I wasn’t going to disappoint him. Billy was only the most wonderful boy in the whole school and he was mine, mine, mine! Besides, that little b**** Tammy Zimmerman had been trying to put the moves on him and I was not about to give her this golden opportunity.

After rendering mom unconscious with a well-placed soup pan to the head, I was on my way. Oh, Billy.

About halfway to school I felt an uncomfortably familiar sensation come over me; it was my old nemesis diarrhea. I had a decision to make and I made it without hesitation. Love had convinced me to carry on, my poorly formed stools be damned.

A few blocks later my worst fears were confirmed as I felt a gooey, warm substance running down my leg. At that moment I promised myself that I would never again trust mere cotton to withstand the onslaught of my bodily waste.

When I arrived at Our Lady of Lourdes Elementary, it was just as I suspected. There was Billy on the playground with that skag Tammy fawning all over him. Even now I am overcome with nausea just thinking about that two-bit slut and her manipulative ways. Apparently melting her Malibu Barbie’s breasts together and coating her mid-morning snacks with a light misting of bleach weren’t enough to teach her a lesson. Some people really need to have the point hammered home.

I quickly lured Tammy to the edge of the playground and then into the woods under the ruse that I had discovered the Smurf’s village and they needed our help to defeat Gargamel. After duct taping her to a maple tree, I had a little heart to heart talk with her.

I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say that the next time Tammy tries to steal someone else’s man, she is going to discover that her girl parts do not work the way that nature had originally intended them to.

Needless to say, when I brought Billy back to see Tammy, he was speechless. He didn’t need to say anything. I could tell by the shocked expression on his face that he had never been loved this much by anyone in his life.

Ahh, to be young and in love. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Here’s The Grizzly Bear’s first campaign video, reflecting TNOYF’s 9 reasons we think he should be the Republican nominee.

With Governor Mitt Romney now out of the presidential race, conservative Republicans are left with very limited (some would say “no”) options on who to vote for that best represents their belief system.

With no traditional choices remaining, we have decided to think outside of the box, and so we present:

Top 9 Reasons A Grizzly Bear Would Make A Great Republican Presidential Candidate

9. Although vehemently anti-gun by instinct, the grizzly bear still supports the right of the American people to carry firearms.

8. He has strong name recognition in California.

7. (tie) Extremely territorial by nature, the grizzly bear would vigorously defend our borders against illegal aliens, drug runners, and elk.

7. (tie) With average weights reaching around 1,000 pounds, the grizzly bear is highly unlikely to enact freedom-limiting fast food ban.

6. The grizzly bear’s annual hibernation is likely to induce fond memories in conservatives of the later Reagan years.

5. (tie) Would never utter such condescending and dishonest statements as “my distinguished opponent.”

5. (tie) His campaign slogan “Speak Softly And Carry Gigantic, Knife-like Teeth” should play well in the South and Midwest.

4. (tie) In the right lighting, the grizzly bear just may mistake Nancy Pelosi for a wounded caribou.

4. (tie) Everyone knows you can’t outrun a grizzly bear.

3. The grizzly bear would have no qualms about defecating on Helen Thomas after being asked one of her inane, semi-lucid questions.

2. (tie) The grizzly bear really know how to handle those pain-in-the-ass hippy protesters who tie themselves to trees.

2. (tie) The grizzly bear believes the Republican Party should be a “big tent”…out of which he can drag campers in their sleeping bags.

1. (tie) The grizzly bear has promised to reach across the aisle to Democrats such as Harry Reid, Ted Kennedy, and Jack Murtha…but only to slice their faces open with his razor sharp claws.

1. (tie) The grizzly bear is fully prepared to use any technique necessary to gain vital information from captured terrorists including: waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and eating them alive.