Ed: TNOYF has obtained an advance copy of a memo that will be circulated January 2 at the offices of The New York Times announcing the hiring of conservative Bill Kristol as an opinion columnist.

———————————————

To: All Employees

From: Art Sulzberger, Publisher

Date: January 2, 2008

Re: New Staff Member–Bill Kristol

Welcome back. I hope everyone had a wonderfully secular winter solstice.

Many of you no doubt have heard the news that, in the grand tradition of diversity that is a hallmark of this great newspaper, conservative Bill Kristol will soon join us as an opinion columnist. I’m personally quite pleased to finally add the elusive neo-conservative species to the New York Times employee mosaic. Further, I am confident that Mr. Kristol will look absolutely fabulous sitting in between the transgendered Mongolian-American proofreader, Genghis John, and Darnae, our formaldehyde-entombed, late-term abortion mascot.

However, judging from some of the emails I received over the break, as well as Frank Rich’s unfortunate decision to set himself on fire, it’s clear this move has had an unsettling effect on many. So, in an effort to alleviate any anxiety, and to maintain the type of working environment necessary to publish America’s newspaper, we will be introducing a Neo-Con Sensitivity Training Program (NCSTP). This program will help us all understand the true nature of Mr. Kristol’s condition and give us some pointers on what we can expect when interacting with a real conservative.

However, since many of you won’t be able to take the seminar for a few weeks, I’ll use this opportunity to lay out a few key points that may help you get comfortable with Mr. Kristol (I’m sure many of you are aware of what happened at CNN when they got their first neo-con, so I’d like to avoid a repeat here).

• Like you and I, Bill Kristol puts his pants on one leg at a time–he’s just thinking about dead Iraqi babies, single malt Scotch, and his Haliburton dividends checks while he’s doing it. My point is that we should try to view him as just another staff member, and try to find common ground and mutual respect. Also, as a general rule, try to avoid startling him and limit direct eye contact to less than two seconds.

• Mr. Kristol is a neo-con, as in neo-conservative. Your NCSTP training will offer a more in-depth explanation of the difference between a standard-grade conservative and neo-con, but for now, imagine the difference between a really bad case of the flu and full-blown AIDS. Also, it will be important to not confuse neo-con with neo-com, or neo-communist, the employee group that meets every Tuesday and Thursday at 4:30 in the Stalin room.

• Due to the unenlightened nature prevalent in those with his ideological underpinnings, Mr. Kristol may often actually say what he means (this style of speaking was common years ago, before countless victims had the courage to come forward and seek redress for blatantly direct talk). Until we are able to better train Mr. Kristol, staffers should be prepared for this unorthodox style of communication. For example, where we might say, “I’m pleased we’ve both shared our feelings and I look forward to trying to come up with a better solution,” Mr. Kristol might say, “The fact that I won’t get back the ten minutes I just spent listening to you makes me want to drive a pencil into your eye.”

• I’ve confirmed with some colleagues that Mr. Kristol urinates standing up. While this will take some getting used to, make every effort not to stare.

• It’s quite possible that Mr. Kristol will have an American flag in his office. Do not be alarmed if it is not on fire; he apparently prefers it this way. (Note: This will in no way impact the standard NYT practice of hanging white flags in your office.)

Look for further communication from your Human Resources representative, and please join me in welcoming Mr. Kristol to the New York Times family!

Check out TNOYF’s New York Times Employee Entrance Exam

hat tip to Zombie for the idea at LGF .

Much is being made of the voice mail I recently left for my ingrate daughter, and I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.

First off, I’m Alec Baldwin. Say it again slowly, dolt. That’s right. Alec. Freakin’. Baldwin. You may think you can fathom what it’s like being me, but unless you are an extra-terrestrial being with infinite cerebral capacity, you can’t. You can try to coax your feeble mind into grasping the magnitude of my existence, but then you’d have to multiply that number by 100. Then go watch The Hunt For Red October, and you’ll realize that you should multiply it by 100 again. Maybe even a third time.

It really doesn’t matter, because whatever result you come up with is microscopic when compared with the true burden of Baldwinity. In fact, right now scientists are struggling to come up with some metric to quantify the weight of my existential responsibility. They have so far failed, and several of their heads have exploded in the process.

But back to the matter at hand. About 11 or 12 years ago (really now– am I supposed to know precisely how old the little $#$*&@! is?), my sperm tragically merged with the ovum of one Kim Basinger. What’s most peculiar about the incident is that historically speaking, my sperm do not merge; they overpower, strangle, and eat ovum. This process is not unlike a school of piranha devouring an injured hippo calf. Once fed, they then proceed to clog the host-wench’s ovaries with such a massive amount of pure, uncut Baldwin DNA that, typically, massive organ failure results.

Yet, a creature was born and we named her “Ireland.” Not after the country, mind you, but rather because I was so filled with ire at the temporary weakness exhibited by my heretofore omnipotent man-seed. You can be sure my testes were given a good talking to after this lapse, and there have been no repeat performances to date.

So, I’ve allowed this overgrown zygote called Ireland to draw breath (thus depriving true Baldwin’s of precious oxygen) by my estimates for some 9-14 years now. Some nights, while I hover over my bed pondering the limits of my human life form, I wonder if I should reclaim my missing DNA by eating my ill-begotten spawn, thus extending my own life and increasing the likelihood that a sequel to “The Marrying Man” can be made. I know that my friend and fellow political pundit Rosie O’Donnell has eaten several of her adopted children and claims that the experience was invigorating. And they weren’t even flavored with the special Baldwin all-spice.

So, with all of this as a back story, I think you can understand the reaction I had when this accident called Ireland failed to answer my phone call. Trust me, it will all be straightened out. From now on Ireland will not miss my calls because I am going to personally outfit her ears with the necessary wiring via some needle-nose pliers and just a pinch of the Baldwin magic.

Thank you.

Alec Baldwin

297 votes have been tallied, and “Asterisk Says It Wants No Part Of Bonds Record, Suggests Question Mark Step Up For Once” is the readers choice TNOYF post of the year.  Look for it in Jon Swift’s year-end round-up, which will be up soon.

Merry Christmas to all.

Click here to visit the TNOYF store for this and other designs.

TAKE ME TO THE STORE

WATCH IRB’S HIT CHRISTMAS VIDEOS:

INFIDELS

SHARIA DON’T BE LATE

With Islamic Rage Boy and his sidekick Mini Mullah acting as producers, TNOYF proudly presents Ahmed and The Chipmunks with “Sharia Don’t Be Late.

Hello and good day. We must interrupt Christine Amanpour’s riveting docudrama “You Say Terrorist, We Say Freedom Fighter” to allow presidential candidate John Edwards an opportunity to address today’s breaking story from the National Enquirer. Senator Edwards, what say you to these allegations that you are the father of an unborn child who’s mother, Rielle Hunter, once worked on your campaign?

Well, Wolf, needless to say, I’m floored by these allegations. And while it’s impossible to overstate the impact they are having on my wife Elizabeth’s health, you can be sure I’ll try. As you know, Elizabeth’s breast cancer is no longer in remission, and the doctors warned us that any further stress would send her tumors into a metastatic orgy that wouldn’t end until each of her vital organs had been devoured.

Um, I’m sorry to hear that, Senator, and the secular healing thoughts of everyone at CNN are with Elizabeth. But to these allegations–

Have you ever heard the sound of a spleen being eaten by cancer, Wolf?

I’m not sure I have, Senator.

Have you seen “Alien?”

Senator, I’m very sorry, but we have limited time and I’m sure you want to address these allegations.

Sure Wolf. It’s not your spleen.

OK. Yes, I saw “Aliens.”

Too late. Let’s move on.

OK. Can you address these allegations?

Yes I can, Wolf. Rather than engage in an exhausting game of “he said/she said,” I decided to go the source to exonerate myself.

The source?

Yes, Wolf. You may recall that I have extensive experience communicating with unborn children, from my time as a litigator.

You, uh, spoke to the baby?

I like to call it fetus whispering, Wolf. Let’s remember, it’s not really a “baby” yet.

I’m appalled that I said “baby.” I meant “fetus.”

Sure, you’ll call a quivering mass of cells a “baby” but you’ve got no love for Elizabeth’s spleen.

So, uh, what did the fetus tell you?

The fetus, who wishes to be called Steve, confirmed that I am not its father.

That’s all?

No. The fetus also expressed fear about the widening gap between the rich and the poor.

Th- um, uh…

My gift is often a burden, Wolf.

Anything else, Senator, that you want to say about these allegations?

There is, Wolf. I’d like your viewers to see this sonogram of the baby.

Look closely.

Now, do you really think I could have sired a creature with hair like that?

That looked like-

–someone else’s fetus! You’re right, Wolf! Anyhoo, I’ve got to tend to Elizabeth. Pretty sure I just heard her gall bladder pop.

Thank you, Senator.

CLICK HERE TO CAST YOUR VOTE FOR TNOYF’S BEST POST OF 2007 

Jon Swift, the excellent satirist, has asked us to submit TNOYF’s best post of 2007 for inclusion in an end of the year round-up. We thought it would make sense to open this up to voting.

We’ve picked the following five posts for your consideration, or you can write-in your own choice. Voting ends December 24. Vote often. Write-ins about our mothers, lack of phallic endowment, or Buckley’s nagging bed-wetting will be rejected, unless they are funny in which case we will plagiarize them.

The New York Times Employee Entrance Exam

Washington Post Discusses OPUS Cartoon With Emotional Muslim Staffers

Elizabeth Edwards Discusses New Ailment With Chris Matthews

Islamic Rage Boy Live At The Sheraton Tel-Aviv

Asterisk Says It Wants No Part Of Bonds’ Record, Says Question Mark Should ‘Step Up’

Iowahawk is celebrating his 4th anniversary, and for those of us who have followed in his magnificent wake, it is indeed a cause for celebration.

I left the following note of congratulations for “Hawk” (that’s what his buds call him).

Hawk:

There are seminal moments in the life of every blogger, and they aren’t all nocturnal. So it was that on a bright May morning, I considered an email from you.

“Dear Potfry,” it said, “while imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, plagiarism is a completely different animal. If you continue to copy and paste my work into your ‘New Jersey Hawk’ blog and present it as your own, I will have no choice but to gut you with a rusty farm implement.”

I smiled as I traced your photo, which is not technically a “photo” so much as a drawing of what I imagine you look like. Even in your emails, I mused, the wit continues. I read on.

“And no, you insufferable whack job, I’m not freaking joking. This is the real sh*t. Rip me off again and you are pig food. And send me just one more grainy f%$#ing photo of your ‘Little Hawk’ and I promise your death will be slow.”

Your mentorship has been my guiding light. Congratulations on 4 years.

R.H. Potfry
The Nose On Your Face

P.S. Sorry about “just showing up” that day. Scott Ott gave me your address and said you loved surprises. Anyhow, I’m starting to get the use of my right hand back, FYI.

Good day. In the wake of former Atlanta Mayor Andrew Young’s assertion that Bill Clinton is just as black as Barack Obama, we are here to discuss the impact that race has historically had on Democratic politics, as well as the role it will play in the upcoming Democratic primaries. With me to discuss this issue will be presidential candidates John Edwards, Chris Dodd, Joe Biden, and Dennis Kucinich. But before we get started, let’s first take a look at a new poster from the Clinton campaign that broke today.

Clearly, there’s no doubt Senator Clinton is playing up her street cred during the 2008 campaign. But this would not be the first time we’ve seen such an approach from a Democratic candidate. For instance…

FDR was a true pioneer in garnering votes from the African-American community. Here is one of the very few times he was ever photographed in a wheelchair: a street-legal, 500-horsepower Cadillac Poliomatic SRX replete with, in his words, “a bumping system, curb feelers, and tricked-out spinny-rims.”

And here we see a shot from Jimmy Carter’s successful 1976 presidential campaign. His slogan, “Pimpin’ & Presidentin’ Ain’t Easy, But JC Can Rock Both,” is still considered by some to be one of the most effective crossover messages in political history.

We are fortunate to have many of the leading Democratic candidates for president with us today to discuss this topic. Senator Edwards let me start with you. In your opinion what role, if any, should race play in politics, and when do you feel that a candidate has crossed the line into bad taste or even playing up racial stereotypes?

Brit, let me start by saying that your question is a very good one. I for one am appalled that any of the candidates would try to play up their “blackness.” Particularly Barack Obama, who seems to think he’s the only black man in the campaign.

He is the only black man in the campaign, Senator.

Hogwash, Brit. The way I see it, you either have soul or you do not have soul. I am very fortunate to have been blessed with an overabundance of soul that has allowed me to connect with people of all races, both dead and alive. Why, just before I came here today I channeled the spirit of a young black girl named Shontiq’ua. Shontitq’ua told me she was brutally beaten and raped by all of the other leading Democratic presidential hopefuls, and then had her lower colon sucked out by a pool filter. This brave child wanted me to let you all know that she strongly supports my campaign, because she knows I’ll bring her justice, and a new colon.

Umm, Senator Edwards. Have you been tanning? Like, a lot?

I’m not quite sure what you mean, B.

OK–Senator Dodd, where do you stand on the use of “blackness” as an issue in presidential campaigns?

Yo, yo, yo Britt! That junk is whack. Let me set something straight a’ight? Hillary sho as hell cain’t dunk. She tried to throw it down on me one time and I rejected that s*** right back in her face, yo.

Senator, are you wearing blackface?

What kinda racist bulls*** is that? You wearing whiteface motherf*****?

Let’s move on to Dennis Kucinich.

How are you today Brit?

Very well, thank you, Senator. I see that you came with your regular skin color.

Of course, Britt. Altering my appearance to pander for votes is not my style.

I’m sure the average black voter will appreciate you taking the high ground.

True dat. And I ’spose da average black man is also gonna ‘preciate the new DK-bucket at KFC.

Nothin but crispy left wings!

Ohhh. Senator Biden?

Did somebody say fried chicken?

Does anyone have a sharp object I could drive into my eye?

Brit-ster, let me be the first to say that this is a great idea to get everyone together to talk about this very important topic. I’d go so far as to call it DY-NO-MITE!

Sweet merciful Jesus.

Psst. Brit. Let’s keep this between us, OK?

Of course, Senator. I promise not to tell anyone that you’re wearing a Jimmy Walker mask.

You da man!

Well, mercifully, we’ve about run out of time-

Whoa, B-Man. I need to send a shout out before we go, news-dawg.

Of course you do.

I just wanna say w’sup to my homey Blark in the outer nebulla of Saturn.

That spaceman sh*t is whack, yo.

Said the Senator covered in shoe polish.

Don’t make me come ovah there and put a cap in yo ass, Dodd.

Nutter, please. You better recognize. Let me break it off for you like this:

Straight outta Hartford a crazy motherf**** named C-Dodd

Step to me, I’ll drown you off Cape Cod

Bust you in the mouth and toss yo ass off the boat

You better pray those XXXL ears can float.

This is Brit Hume, signing off.

A new poll released by Rasmussen Reports shows that while 26% of Americans like stores to use “Happy Holidays” in their seasonal advertising,  the remaining 74% prefer that the businesses simply tell them to “F*** off and give us your money.”

“We are clearly seeing a shift in Americans attitudes,” said Rasmussen pollster John Garwin. “When I look at these numbers I see that people want a more straightforward approach from the companies they deal with. I strongly suspect that the businesses that pick up on this trend, and really begin to tell their customers to get f***ed, are going to see a strong increase in holiday sales.”

Interviews with random U.S. citizens tends to back the findings in the report.

“I have to be honest–I like the no-nonsense, in-your-face approach,” said Melissa Constantine of Peoria, Illinois. “But then, I also tend to date guys who treat me like crap. Anyways, I don’t really believe that businesses care about Hanukkah, Christmas, Ramadan, or Kwanzaa unless it helps their bottom line. If they could make a few extra sales by saying ‘Merry Idi Amin Day’ I don’t doubt they’d do it.”

Eager to cash in on the new polling data, savvy businesses like McGinley’s Department Store in Bennington, Vermont have taken things a step further.

“We are still using Santa’s,” said store manager Brie Tarlan. “But we’ve instructed them to take a more direct approach with the children [see photo]. Not only have we seen an increase in sales of major appliances, but our customers seem genuinely happy to have everything out in the open. No one is putting on airs in McGinley’s.”

The news that an asteroid will pass close to Earth in 2036 prompted a group of scientists to recommend Saturday that the United Nations arrange an international space mission to deflect the threatening space rock.

France, however, immediately issued a statement urging restraint against “a seemingly lovely space rock we know nothing about,” and claimed that the United States was behind the call to take aggressive action.

“Once again, the United States is rattling sabers when diplomacy hasn’t had a chance to work,” said French spokesman Serge Betain.  “We must use the United Nations to convince the world that what appears to be a gargantuan existence-threatening boulder hurtling through space may actually be a peaceful mission from a far away planet.”

The French offered an alternative plan that calls for efforts to communicate with the asteroid via 24 hour broadcasting of a radio signal into space.   Against a back drop of Enya music, French actor Gerard Depardieu will apologize to the asteroid that the Earth is in its path and ask what the two celestial bodies can do together to avoid a catastrophe. 

Betain went on to slam the world for what he called “blatant Earth-centric thinking.”

“When you think about it, exactly who is in whose path?  Have we considered the point of view of the asteroid? Perhaps, as we speak, they are scurrying around planning to divert us.  How does that feel?”      

It was recently discovered that Pete Costello of Tacoma, Washington has been feigning retardation for nearly twenty years while his mother collected disability benefits in his name. While this level of deceit is inconceivable to most of us, experts say that it happens more commonly then we would like to believe.

Psychologist Bradley Fredrickson has conducted a long-term study that takes a hard look at the reasons people feign retardation.

“One thing we know is that it happens all the time,” said Fredrickson. “And that there are many motivations behind the deceptions. Some, like the Costello’s, do it for the money. Others use it as an escape mechanism; to lower the expectations placed on them by an increasingly demanding world. Others still do it because they do not want to give up good paying jobs at prestigious news organizations like The New York Times.”

Fredrickson would not comment on specific people who were involved in the study, citing confidentiality concerns. However, he did allow that France, San Francisco and the U.S. Senate were “overrepresented.”

Editor: New footage of the testy exchange last week between reporter Helen Thomas and White House Press Secretary Dana Perino has emerged. TNOYF presents it here in its full, unedited glory.

______________________________________________________________________________

“..so, 5,700 troops will be home by the end of the year, so that is some troops coming home. The President said that troop levels are going to be made by commanders on the ground, and that we’re going to have to be-”

“SAN EEP NO MAPTO FAN EE WAN?”

“Helen, the American people have had a say. They elected a president, he is their Commander-in-Chief and is making decisions based on what his commanders on the ground are telling him-”

“FANN MOOP TEE RAY FLAN POD RAF CLON?”

“They elected a Commander-in-Chief, and the President is bringing home 5,700 troops based on the recommendations of his commanders on the ground. Hopefully in the future we can bring home more, but it’s going to depend on what General Petraeus says, and-”

“LAK RECOT FLAR TEP MAM OW NA?”

“Helen, I find it really unfortunate that you use your front row position– taking up three seats mind you– bestowed upon you by your colleagues, to make such statements. It is an honor and a privilege to be in the briefing room and to suggest that we are killing innocent people is just absurd and very offensive, particularly coming from someone who’s small, largely useless hands are not clean.”

“NAP MAH FOP TEN CLOT SHEOP?”

“Oh, I think you know exactly what I mean, but let me spell it out for you. Over the course of President Bush’s two terms in office, seven of our White House Press interns who disagreed with you have been mysteriously discovered frozen in carbon.”

“WAP LON FRON TIF VORK?”

“At last year’s ‘White House Tribute to Mark Twain’, upwards of thirty frogs went missing from the frog-jumping contest.”

“GERP LEAT FLAN LIT-”

“…their remains were found in your stool.”

“BLAN, TOR ERP LU! BLAN SHEE!”

“Fine, Helen. But what about the cache of Revlon Puppy Blood Crimson lipstick that was discovered in your lair? I’m looking right at the land mass that it has to cover, and let’s just say that you aren’t buying that amount of lipstick on a reporters salary.”

“DREL LON UN FREW OP TUN BAP LEEP BOL IRF TAP WAKY NAN FLON TO LOP POL CAR NOPYWAN TELOP WERP FANTWAN BON MORT FEL!”

…

“TORPLANFLENT.”

“Next question.”