The news that a British teacher in Sudan was sentenced to 15 days in jail for allowing her students to name a Teddy Bear “Mohammed” reflects more than simply a clash of religious beliefs and cultures– it also reveals that the Muslim world fails to see the amazing untapped potential of the Mohammed brand.

It’s our belief that American marketers would be thrilled to create Mohammed-licensed products that generate new revenue opportunities and build bridges to the Islamic community. Conversely, this represents a unique opportunity for Islam to communicate the tenets of its belief system to the traditional American community.

It’s a win-win situation.

We’ve taken the liberty of creating some prototypes that reflect the amazing potential of this co-marketing relationship. CLICK ALL TO ENLARGE.

BABY MOHAMMED WETS-A-LOT

Be the envy of your entire madrassa with the new Baby Mohammed Wets-A-Lot doll from Haraamboro Inc.! 3 Realistic Action Settings — diaper-wetting, binky-sucking, and indiscriminate-stabbing– add to the fun of this terrific toy!

“MUTILATION” BOARD GAME

Does your youngster dream of getting his medical degree, setting up a practice in a Western nation, and then plotting the death of scores of infidels? Does he have a talent for genital mutilation that far outstrips his chronological age? Then Mutilation with Mohammed is the game to help harness his precocious energies!

METRO-MALIBU MOHAMMED AND HIS LIFE-PARTNER BARRY

Tired of the Q’aran’s archaic attitudes towards homosexuality? Do you find yourself answering “b” when the other junior jihadis ask you the question: Is that a suicide belt around your waist or are you just happy to see me? Then Metro-Malibu Mohammed is the doll for you! Comes in: Tramp Stamp; Reach Around; and Full Body Wax (pictured) editions. (Life-Partner Barry and Glory-Hole Allah sold separately.)

MOHAMMED 8-BALL

Unsure of the proper protocol for addressing insults to the Prophet? Have a question as to why the Q’aran refuses to follow the “q-u” rule? Just need another opinion on which country’s flag to burn at the demonstration this evening? Then the Mohammed 8-Ball is your choice! You and your friends will be treated to a variety of answers that include: “My sources say burn an American flag.”; “Slit the pig’s throat.”; and the very popular, “It was the Jews fault.”

“MOHAMMEDOPOLY”

Visit Papyrus Place. Take a stroll down the mean streets of Islamabad Avenue. Just be sure to avoid a detour to Israel! It’s capitalism-meets-genital-caning in the great new game Mohammedopoly that is sure to provide hours of fun for the whole family*. (*By “whole family,” we mean heterosexual males of violence-producing age)

PROPHET MINI-WHEATS

Plotting the new caliphate is difficult enough without having to worry about the functionality of your colon. Stay regular in an irregular world with new Prophet Mini-Wheats!

UPDATE: MOHAMMED BRAND CONDOMS! CLICK TO ENLARGE.

U.S. commanders in Iraq reported a major coup earlier this week when they announced that 6,000 Iraqi Sonnys agreed to a security pact with American forces, a move that could literally shore up gaps that many extremists have been using to elude the military.

“This speak volumes about the great work that our men and women in uniform have been doing in Iraq,” said Major David Philpotts. “Getting the Sonny residents on board gives us a great deal of ’street cred’, and really paves the way for bringing on board the Manilow clan from the north and the BTO sect from the south. You won’t see this mentioned in the mainstream media, but these are the sort of successes that our troops having been having with more and more regularity.”

Democrat Harry Reid offered a slightly different take on the situation.

“This is a victory?” Reid asked rhetorically. “Sorry, but I don’t see it. To me, this is a resounding defeat. Okay great, they had a few thousand Sonnys sign some treaty. Big deal. Tell me this, did they get even one Cher? The Captain? Tenille? I didn’t think so. This is just one more example of the desperation coming from this administration over failed foreign policies and a hopelessly lost war. 6.000 Sonnys? Let me tell you, 6,000 Elvises couldn’t save the day now!”

Editorial by Buckley F. Williams

I read with great dismay, although no surprise, a story this morning about another innocent farmer whose arm was viciously mauled by a bloodthirsty farm combine: a phenomenon known in combine circles as a “homicide mangling.” By my count, that makes seventeen such attacks in calendar year 2007 (and that’s not including one so-called “accident” in Iowa where a farmer, clearly fearing combine reprisal, told police his cat bit his arm off). As this pattern of violence by these machinated extremists continues, those in the mainstream media do their level best to ignore the facts and present this trend as a common occurrence in all gas-powered machines.

Indeed, if such organizations as The New York Timesand CNN are to be believed, you would be under the impression that you are just as likely to have your arm ripped from the shoulder in a snow plow, leaf blower, or street sweeper as in the farm combine’s whirling blades of death. This is patently false. Moreover, such equivocation merely detracts from the problem at hand and gives a de facto pass to the true aggressors.

The question then remains: Why do combines get a free pass? Well, for starters, the PC mentality that riddles our national discourse has greatly contributed to the special treatment–some would say coddling–that combines have enjoyed from most in the political and media establishments. On top of that, there are those in the combine community who protest loudly and vigorously at any perceived slight or instance of combine-profiling, claiming that the fundamentalist combine organizations are fringe groups and not reflective of the combine population at large.

Take the words of Ibrahim Cropper, spokesman for the Council of Combine Anti-defamation, Independence, and Reparations (CCAIR). When presented with irrefutable facts regarding the extent of farm combine violence, Mr. Cropper immediately dismissed the information as suspect.

“Rhetoric such as this smacks of intolerance and combinophobia at their basest levels,” said Cropper. “Since their creation by the Most High John Deere–Wheat Be Upon He–combines have been known as the Farm Implements of Peace. That anyone would question this speaks volumes about the depth of hatred in their hearts, and the low moral fiber within their souls.”

To say that Mr. Cropper misses the point would be an understatement of the first order. Any serious-minded person would see his arguments for what they are: transparent attempts to skirt the issue and convince the American farmer that the combine is his friend when all evidence suggests otherwise. But the angry, fundamentalist combine invective is the dominant voice in the combine community. A recent poll of combines showed that most felt mangling was justified under certain conditions. What are we to think?

To date, most of the attacks have taken place in the traditional combine enclaves of the Midwest. However, this most recent mangling occurred on the east coast–South Carolina to be exact. As the wave of violence spreads out across the land, we must ask ourselves: Where are all of the so-called moderate combines that we keep hearing so much about?

Chillingly, the combine that attacked in South Carolina this weekend was described by other farm machines as an upstanding piece of the harvest apparatus, well-liked by all and even good-humored. It wasn’t until after the attack, as the rogue combine was being disassembled, that police discovered the fundamentalist combine literature under the hay.

We’ve grown weary of the platitudes: Most combines don’t agree with these attacks; combines are under a great deal of stress at harvest time; they are only reacting to George Bush’s failed agricultural policies. As long as Mr. Cropper and his ilk continue to present weak excuses, it will be left to the rest of us to keep the pressure on our government to address this growing wave of combino-fascism.

TNOYF operatives working under cover last night at George Washington University Hospital secured an audio tape of the procedure in which Vice President Dick Cheney’s irregular heartbeat was corrected using an electrical current.

Hospital personnel described the procedure as “routine” for the Vice President.

“It’s nothing we haven’t heard before,” said GWU Hospital spokesman Charles Canter. “Within 2 hours, the Vice President was his old self, feeding long-forgotten detainees to his piranhas in the his quarters while eavesdropping on Nancy Pelosi’s phone call with the Syrian president. Just another day at the office.”

cheneyheartbeat.mp3

Seems that while we were eating turkey, Michelle Malkin was having a contest to “posterize” the Democratic party. This was in response to a similar contest about the GOP at The Huffington Post.

So, while we’re late, we thought we’d post our ideas…

CLICK TO ENLARGE

A Seattle school district recently sent a letter to parents pointing out that Thanksgiving was a “difficult time” for Native Americans, and encouraging them to explore alternative celebration methods that might be sensitive to those who don’t view the holiday as a festive time.

The letter linked parents to an Oyate website, where they could learn about “The 11 Myths of Thanksgiving.”

At TNOYF, we agree with correcting historical myths, but have concluded that the erroneous nature of the facts presented can only mean that the writers got into the Chief’s firewater stash before writing this. We herewith present the 11 Myths of Thanksgiving; the Oyate facts; and our own corrected TNOYF facts.

Myth #1: “The First Thanksgiving” occurred in 1621.

Oyate Fact: No one knows when the “first” thanksgiving occurred. People have been giving thanks for as long as people have existed. Indigenous nations all over the world have celebrations of the harvest that come from very old traditions; for Native peoples, thanksgiving comes not once a year, but every day, for all the gifts of life. To refer to the harvest feast of 1621 as “The First Thanksgiving” disappears Indian peoples in the eyes of non-Native children.

TNOYF Fact: When did the first Thanksgiving become just about harvest gratitude? That’s an incredibly limited and naive definition. When you consider the more widely accepted Thanksgiving definition– “a time of thanks and the beginning of centuries of Indian deception”– it definitely started in 1621. You can’t just celebrate part of the holiday.

Also, a first Thanksgiving is a very personal event. The first one I remember was in 1977 at my grandparents’ house. I was six years old and it was awesome. Uncle Rich was really in the holiday spirit, even though he’d just gotten out of jail. He locked himself in the pantry with the turkey, saying he was going to “introduce the bird to Uncle Rich’s bird.” Aunt Tina told Uncle Rich that she was going to call his parole officer if he didn’t hand the turkey over right away. When Rich finally came out without his pants, he jumped on the table and yelled, “Who wants to pull Uncle Rich’s wishbone?”

So you see, Thanksgiving is more than just gratitude. It’s also about laying the groundwork for genocide and sex with dead animals.

Myth #2: The people who came across the ocean on the Mayflower were called Pilgrims.

Oyate Fact: The Plimoth settlers did not refer to themselves as “Pilgrims.” Pilgrims are people who travel for religious reasons, such as Muslims who make a pilgrimage to Mecca. Most of those who arrived here from England were religious dissidents who had broken away from the Church of England. They called themselves “Saints”; others called them “Separatists.” Some of the settlers were “Puritans,” dissidents but not separatists who wanted to “purify” the Church. It wasn’t until around the time of the American Revolution that the name “Pilgrims” came to be associated with the Plimoth settlers, and the “Pilgrims” became the symbol of American morality and Christian faith, fortitude, and family.

TNOYF Fact: Hello? I don’t mean to sound like a know-it-all, but a person that comes across the ocean on a boat is called a “pirate.” And all I know about pirates is that they tend to lose their hands and eyes after drinking a bunch of rum. A “pilgrim” is a term of greeting used by male, heterosexual cowboys in the days of the Old West. Maybe you guys should leave the Pilgrim lessons to folks who can spell “Plymouth.”

Myth #3: The colonists came seeking freedom of religion in a new land.

Oyate Fact: The colonists were not just innocent refugees from religious persecution. By 1620, hundreds of Native people had already been to England and back, most as captives; so the Plimoth colonists knew full well that the land they were settling on was inhabited. Nevertheless, their belief system taught them that any land that was “unimproved” was “wild” and theirs for the taking; that the people who lived there were roving heathens with no right to the land. Both the Separatists and Puritans were rigid fundamentalists who came here fully intending to take the land away from its Native inhabitants and establish a new nation, their “Holy Kingdom.” The Plimoth colonists were never concerned with “freedom of religion” for anyone but themselves.

TNOYF Fact: This is a common misunderstanding, actually. The reason the colonists left England is one of simple supply and demand. A production error at the Manchester Textile Company left merchants with an over-run of smallpox-laden blankets, far exceeding the need in England, where people had started to wise up to what was widely becoming known as “the cottony death.” Realizing that they needed an untapped market for their product, the future colonists risked their lives by striking out on an intercontinental adventure. It’s truly an inspiring story of free market capitalism.

Myth #4: When the “Pilgrims” landed, they first stepped foot on “Plymouth Rock.”

Oyate Fact: When the colonists landed, they sought out a sandy inlet in which to beach the little shallop that carried them from the Mayflower to the mainland. This shallop would have been smashed to smithereens had they docked at a rock, especially a Rock. Although the Plimoth settlers built their homes just up the hill from the Rock, William Bradford in Mourt’s Relation: A Journal of the Pilgrims at Plymouth, does not even mention the Rock; writing only that they “unshipped our shallop and drew her on land.” (3) The actual “rock” is a slab of Dedham granodiorite placed there by a receding glacier some 20,000 years ago. It was first referred to in a town surveying record in 1715, almost 100 years after the landing. Since then, the Rock has been moved, cracked in two, pasted together, carved up, chipped apart by tourists, cracked again, and now rests as a memorial to something that never happened. (4)It’s quite possible that the myth about the “Pilgrims” landing on a “Rock” originated as a reference to the New Testament of the Christian bible, in which Jesus says to Peter, “And I say also unto thee, Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my Church and the Gates of Hell shall not prevail against it.” (Matthew 16:18) The appeal to these scriptures gives credence to the sanctity of colonization and the divine destiny of the dominant culture. Although the colonists were not dominant then, they behaved as though they were.

TNOYF Fact: “Shallop?” “Plimoth?” “Granodiorite?” Look, if we’re going to make up words, that’s cool with me. I think you can do better though. How about, “When the colonists landed, they sought out a sandy inlet in which to beach the turbo-charged, Wunderdragon Excelsior that carried them from the Mayflower to the mainland.”

Regardless, you seem to be ignoring the go-to source for the history of Colonial America: Schoolhouse Rock. A frame by frame analysis of their seminal work, No More Kings, clearly reveals the colonists landed at Plymouth Rock.

Myth #5: The Pilgrims found corn.

Oyate Fact: Just a few days after landing, a party of about 16 settlers led by Captain Myles Standish followed a Nauset trail and came upon an iron kettle and a cache of Indian corn buried in the sand. They made off with the corn and returned a few days later with reinforcements. This larger group “found” a larger store of corn, about ten bushels, and took it. They also “found” several graves, and, according to Mourt’s Relation, “brought sundry of the prettiest things away” from a child’s grave and then covered up the corpse. They also “found” two Indian dwellings and “some of the best things we took away with us.” There is no record that restitution was ever made for the stolen corn, and the Wampanoag did not soon forget the colonists’ ransacking of Indian graves.

TNOYF Fact: A classic example of how a careless typo can change history. Of course the Pilgrims didn’t find corn. The Pilgrims found porn.

See, Standish and his “party of 16″ weren’t foraging for food as much as they were looking for a clearing to assemble the Colonial love train. After months in cramped quarters on the Mayflower, the adventurers were looking to spread out and christen the New World “Pilgrim style.”

On a search for some Mazzola Corn Oil, a member of Standish’s party snuck into a teepee and discovered a stash of Indian porn etchings under the hammock of a young Indian warrior.

On a related note, historians say that many years later it was one of Standish’s relatives who was the first person known to fold the Land O Lakes butter box in half so that it appeared as though the Indian princess’s breasts were showing.

Myth #6: Samoset appeared out of nowhere, and along with Squanto became friends with the Pilgrims. Squanto helped the Pilgrims survive and joined them at “The First Thanksgiving.”

Oyate Fact: Samoset, an eastern Abenaki chief, was the first to contact the Plimoth colonists. He was investigating the settlement to gather information and report to Massasoit, the head sachem in the Wampanoag territory. In his hand, Samoset carried two arrows: one blunt and one pointed. The question to the settlers was: are you friend or foe? Samoset brought Tisquantum (Squanto), one of the few survivors of the original Wampanoag village of Pawtuxet, to meet the English and keep an eye on them. Tisquantum had been taken captive by English captains several years earlier, and both he and Samoset spoke English. Tisquantum agreed to live among the colonists and serve as a translator. Massasoit also sent Hobbamock and his family to live near the colony to keep an eye on the settlement and also to watch Tisquantum, whom Massasoit did not trust. The Wampanoag oral tradition says that Massasoit ordered Tisquantum killed after he tried to stir up the English against the Wampanoag. Massasoit himself lost face after his years of dealing with the English only led to warfare and land grabs. Tisquantum is viewed by Wampanoag people as a traitor, for his scheming against other Native people for his own gain. Massasoit is viewed as a wise and generous leader whose affection for the English may have led him to be too tolerant of their ways. (7)

TNOYF Fact: Heh, heh. He said, “Squanto.”

Myth #7: The Pilgrims invited the Indians to celebrate the First Thanksgiving.

Oyate Fact: According to oral accounts from the Wampanoag people, when the Native people nearby first heard the gunshots of the hunting colonists, they thought that the colonists were preparing for war and that Massasoit needed to be informed. When Massasoit showed up with 90 men and no women or children, it can be assumed that he was being cautious. When he saw there was a party going on, his men then went out and brought back five deer and lots of turkeys. (8) In addition, both the Wampanoag and the English settlers were long familiar with harvest celebrations. Long before the Europeans set foot on these shores, Native peoples gave thanks every day for all the gifts of life, and held thanksgiving celebrations and giveaways at certain times of the year. The Europeans also had days of thanksgiving, marked by religious services. So the coming together of two peoples to share food and company was not entirely a foreign thing for either. But the visit that by all accounts lasted three days was most likely one of a series of political meetings to discuss and secure a military alliance. Neither side totally trusted the other: The Europeans considered the Wampanoag soulless heathens and instruments of the devil, and the Wampanoag had seen the Europeans steal their seed corn and rob their graves. In any event, neither the Wampanoag nor the Europeans referred to this feast/meeting as “Thanksgiving.”

TNOYF Fact: The Wampanoag, a notoriously ill-mannered and lazy party-crashing people, were in fact invited, but did not RSVP by the date on the invitation. Instead, they brazenly showed up at dinner, putting the Pilgrims in quite an awkward position: the Pilgrims were an unfailingly polite bunch, but had not planned on dinner for so many. History shows us that they did their best to accommodate their surprise guests. The Pilgrims did in fact hold the belief that the Wampanoag were “soulless heathens and instruments of the devil.” However, they came to characterize them as such only after witnessing them eating their dinners with their salad forks.

Myth #8: The Pilgrims provided the food for their Indian friends.

Oyate Fact: It is known that when Massasoit showed up with 90 men and saw there was a party going on, they then went out and brought back five deer and lots of turkeys. Though the details of this event have become clouded in secular mythology, judging by the inability of the settlers to provide for themselves at this time and Edward Winslow’s letter of 1622 (10), it is most likely that Massasoit and his people provided most of the food for this “historic” meal. (11)

TNOYF Fact: While the Indians technically brought the food to the meal, Obi Wan Standish’s letter proves that they likely did so with some “urging” from the mentally adept Pilgrims.

As Standish noted:

“The red men are a particularly hearty bunch, with a propensity for finding the most wondrous of foods. However, their rather primitive belief system leaves them quite susceptible to the most rudimentary of mind control techniques: it was no large task to ‘convince’ them to gather the food for the meal. Things did get a bit concerning for a moment when one particular brave, Massasoit by name, questioned my taking extra helpings of vegetables. Luckily I was able to diffuse the situation by simply telling him, “These aren’t the yams you’re looking for.”

Myth #9: The Pilgrims and Indians feasted on turkey, potatoes, berries, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, and popcorn.

Oyate Fact: Both written and oral evidence show that what was actually consumed at the harvest festival in 1621 included venison (since Massasoit and his people brought five deer), wild fowl, and quite possibly nasaump—dried corn pounded and boiled into a thick porridge, and pompion—cooked, mashed pumpkin. Among the other food that would have been available, fresh fruits such as plums, grapes, berries and melons would have been out of season. It would have been too cold to dig for clams or fish for eels or small fish. There were no boats to fish for lobsters in rough water that was about 60 fathoms deep. There was not enough of the barley crop to make a batch of beer, nor was there a wheat crop. Potatoes and sweet potatoes didn’t get from the south up to New England until the 18th century, nor did sweet corn. Cranberries would have been too tart to eat without sugar to sweeten them, and that’s probably why they wouldn’t have had pumpkin pie, either. Since the corn of the time could not be successfully popped, there was no popcorn. (12)

TNOYF Fact: We agree with the facts as presented here with one exception: the belief that there was no popcorn. The Oyate people severely underestimate the longevity of Orville Redenbacher.

Myth #10: The Pilgrims and Indians became great friends.

Oyate Fact: A mere generation later, the balance of power had shifted so enormously and the theft of land by the European settlers had become so egregious that the Wampanoag were forced into battle. In 1637, English soldiers massacred some 700 Pequot men, women and children at Mystic Fort, burning many of them alive in their homes and shooting those who fled. The colony of Connecticut and Massachusetts Bay Colony observed a day of thanksgiving commemorating the massacre. By 1675, there were some 50,000 colonists in the place they had named “New England.” That year, Metacom, a son of Massasoit, one of the first whose generosity had saved the lives of the starving settlers, led a rebellion against them. By the end of the conflict known as “King Philip’s War,” most of the Indian peoples of the Northeast region had been either completely wiped out, sold into slavery, or had fled for safety into Canada. Shortly after Metacom’s death, Plimoth Colony declared a day of thanksgiving for the English victory over the Indians. (13)

TNOYF Fact: In many instances, the Pilgrims and Indians did become good friends. However, there was always an unspoken, underlying tension between the groups. This tension may best have been exemplified by Pilgrim entertainer Miles Richardson who, after going on a ten-minute rant about “savages and heathens” while in mixed company, went on to deny that he was Native Americanist by noting, “Some of my best friends are Wampanoags.”

Myth #11: Thanksgiving is a happy time.

Oyate Fact: For many Indian people, “Thanksgiving” is a time of mourning, of remembering how a gift of generosity was rewarded by theft of land and seed corn, extermination of many from disease and gun, and near total destruction of many more from forced assimilation. As currently celebrated in this country, “Thanksgiving” is a bitter reminder of 500 years of betrayal returned for friendship.

TNOYF Fact: Thanksgiving is indeed a happy, joyous time. It is a time when families and friends come together and express gratitude for all of the blessings they have. It is a selfless time when people open up their doors and share with those closest to them. However, there are exceptions to this rule. Thanksgiving can be a tremendously sad time for certain minority groups. Revisionist historians, in particular, have a very difficult time during this holiday. That their ever-changing views on history do not match up with American traditions is a constant source of stress for this very vulnerable and often overlooked group. Vegetarians also have a difficult time during Thanksgiving. The wholesale slaughter of turkeys is upsetting enough to this socially conscious group that many of them take time away from their abortion-rights protests to demand more humane treatment for the bird that none other than Ben Franklin declared “noble, yet delicious.”

Romance novel cover-model and pop culture icon Fabio has quickly penned several books that celebrate his newfound relationship with George Clooney, forged after an altercation at a Los Angeles restaurant last week when Clooney mistakenly thought members of Fabio’s party were snapping photos of him.

TNOYF has an exclusive first look at some of the covers.

As baseball fans heatedly debate the merits of Barry Bonds’ inevitable ascendancy to career home run king, a different controversy surfaced yesterday when the asterisk, the star-like typographical symbol expected by many to appear alongside Bonds’ place in the record books to denote the slugger’s steroid use, announced that it wanted “no part” of Bonds’ record. In the shocking announcement, a visibly testy asterisk said the association with the slugger’s tarnished image would sully its “storied reputation” and perhaps impact its ability to find meaningful work in the future.“I usually try to stay out of controversy, but Barry Bonds is a pompous, narcissistic fool,” said the asterisk. “I’m drawing the line. It’s time some other punctuation marks start to carry some of this dirty water. In fact, I’ll call out the question mark. Why don’t we put the very symbol of uncertainty, doubt and improbability alongside Mr. Bonds’ skid mark in the record book? WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE ASTERISK?”

The question mark was unavailable for comment. A phone call to its home was answered by the semi-colon, who said the question mark was attending a seminar on the proper use of conjunctive adverbs with the apostrophe and the ellipsis. But the semi-colon offered some insight into the debate.

“Look, the asterisk has a point; we all need to take a good look at this,” he said. “I, for one, thought this might be a great opportunity for the ampersand to step up and recover from the Hall & Oates tragedy. But it might just be that the horrid responsibility of having linked the two guys who wrote the song Maneater is too much to overcome.”

Update:  A representative for the period told our sources that a blockbuster deal with the asterisk was scuttled this morning.  Details are sketchy, but the period had offered to assume responsibility for Bonds’ record in exchange for being relieved of its responsibility as the shorthand expression for a woman’s menstrual cycle.  The deal imploded when the National Organization for Women threatened to abandon all punctuation usage entirely if women were forced to say, “Oh crap, I just got my asterisk.”

Update 2:  The umlaut ¨ reportedly offered its services to the asterisk without condition but was turned down for being “too French, even for Barry Bonds.”  When the asterisk was told that the umlaut appears in several other European languages, it responded, “Oh, no, does this mean that they won’t like us?  Cause I’m really worried about pissing off the Europeans right now, when my entire existence is about to be associated with a guy who looks like an over-cooked Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.  Really.  Let me check the old asterisk-priority list pronto, cause heaven forbid we PISS OFF THE EUROPEANS, THE FOLKS WHO BROUGHT US THE GODFORSAKEN TILDE (~),  BASICALLY A WANDERING, SPINELESS DASH THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD SAY “NYAH.”

The American Women’s Bridge team’s anti-Bush protest in Shanghai last month is, by now, very well known (below).

What are less well-known are these other signs they held up…

Guest Editorial by The Berkeley Memorial Oak Grove Tree

By now many of you have heard the story of twenty-four year old Nate Hill who fell forty feet from the traverse-line that was being used to deliver food and water to him and the other protesters living in my branches on Sunday, and in the process, broke an arm and a leg. The group has been protesting against, in their words, “the fascist university’s decision to cut down the Memorial Oak Grove in order to further their greedy, capitalistic agenda.”

As you might imagine, I have been inundated with e-mails from his concerned supporters as to the true nature of the incident. One of the more common questions I have been asked is, “Was it George Bush or Karl Rove who pushed Nate out of the tree?”

Excellent question and, judging by the number of times I have been asked it, one that is clearly on the minds of many here in the Berkeley community.

The answer is…neither. I did it. Me. Moi. Yours truly. And I’d gladly do it again. “But why?” you ask. I’ll tell you why. When the double-crested cormorants crap on me, I don’t say a word. I figure that is part of the price of being a mighty oak. When the squirrels store their nuts in me, I let it go, even though I know I’ll have to endure merciless taunting and endless lewd jokes from all of the smart-aleck chipmunks in the grove. The way I see it, that goes with being an elder statesman in the arboreal community.

However, when I awoke the other day to the malodorous trifecta of stale bong water, hygienically-neglected ass, and white man’s dreadlocks, a line was crossed. Enough is enough. I’ve had a front-row seat for longer than I care to admit in this pathetic pit of misplaced activism, but this was the first time it found its way into my branches. I didn’t ask to germinate in f#**#ing Berkeley for God’s sake! That was just the “luck” of the draw, as it were.

Now, I’m sure good ol’ Nate and his basement-dwelling, employment-challenged compatriots have no problem with a woman having an eight-month-old fetus killed and ripped out of her a few days before she is set to deliver, but they get all choked-up if a tired old tree is set to be mercifully put down. Did anyone even bother to ask me what I wanted? I’m five-hundred and seventeen years old for Christ’s sake! I’m friggin’ exhausted. At this point in my life, just hearing the soothing sound of a chainsaw gets my trunk all sappy. Hell, I’m looking forward to becoming something cool and useful; like a chest of drawers, or a king-sized bed, or even a few hundred walking sticks. The operative word being “useful,” a term our hero and friends should familiarize themselves with, if they can break away from their hippie-lettuce and Chomsky for a few minutes.

Did I push him? Technically no, but I did take steps to insure he was not properly tethered to his line. However, I was able to definitively answer the age-old question: if a hippie falls in the woods does he make a sound? The answer is a resounding “yes.” And for the record, it is a whiny, screechy, mewling sound at that.

Ed: Following is a letter that we’ve sent to Patrick French, a writer at The Daily Mail, concerning his article Sunday entitled “The Surprising Truth About Rage Boy, America’s Hated Poster Boy Of Islamic Radicalism.”

Dear Mr. French:

We read with great interest your article on Sunday about Islamic Rage Boy (“The surprising truth about Rage Boy, America’s Hated Poster Boy Of Islamic Radicalism”). Had you contacted us, or any of the other websites that poke fun at Islamic fundamentalism, you might have discovered the true story behind Islamic Rage Boy, and not simply published a one-sided puff-piece about Shakeel Bhat.

We are the editors of The Nose On Your Face, the website that coined the term “Islamic Rage Boy” (not to be confused with the politically-correct “Rage Boy”), and one of the American websites that you take great pains not to mention in your article, yet from which you draw the majority of the quotes and examples supporting your argument that Americans are engaged in a campaign of hatred against Mr. Bhat.

Stunningly, besides neglecting to mention–or even attempting to speak with–us, you also fail to point out that we are a humor-satire-parody website: not an insignificant frame of reference with regard to the material you cited. We can only conclude that you did not contact us because our input would have interfered with your portrayal of Mr. Bhat as a pathetic, tragic hero under hateful attack from the odious conservative blogosphere in the United States.

So allow us to raise a few points.

• Islamic Rage Boy and Shakeel Bhat are not one in the same. Islamic Rage Boy is a fictional, satirical character, created and copyrighted by The Nose On Your Face (the image we use for Islamic Rage Boy is an illustration). Yes, Mr. Bhat provided the visual inspiration for IRB, but after that, any similarities are coincidental, at least on our website.
• Islamic Rage Boy is not a symbol of, as you say, “all that we fear and despise about Islamic fundamentalism.” To the contrary. Islamic Rage Boy is a comic concept, the humorous embodiment of all that is wrong with Islamic fundamentalism. It is a deliberate effort to fight primitive savagery with laughter. That your piece misses this critical point is staggeringly careless and journalistically suspicious.
• You call the decal we designed (”Honk If You Like the Tender Embrace Of A Mountain Goat On A Chilly Star-Filled Evening”) “a popular American bumper sticker.” This is simply preposterous; we’ve sold seven of them.
• Our Islamic Rage Boy material includes: song parodies, op-ed pieces, advice columns, and the aforementioned bumper stickers (along with t-shirts, mugs, etc.). Whether anyone finds these funny is certainly debatable, however, the fact that it is intended as satire/parody is not open for debate. Again, a point you failed to make in your article.

You seem to have set out to prove that Shakeel Bhat does not live up to the concept of Islamic Rage Boy. We agree, and had you contacted us, we could have saved you a trip to India (but then you wouldn’t have been able to enjoy Shakeel Bhat’s brother covering you with a blanket against the Kashmiri cold).

Putting aside your predisposition to all things Islam, though, we must take issue with your inexplicable conclusion that Mr. Bhat’s failure to live up to the notion of Islamic Rage Boy somehow proves that Islamic fundamentalism is either inept or rare.

If, as you say, “Osama Bin Laden has hijacked Islam from the vast majority of the world’s Muslims,” then why is the vast majority allowing a handful of extremists to be the dominant voice of Islam? Where is their outrage? This, Mr. French, is the pivotal issue, because until that vast majority of Muslims let themselves be heard, their silence speaks volumes. And by evidently writing this article with your mind already made up, and failing to even broach the other side of the story, you’ve fallen into step as yet another “useful idiot” in the Islamic propaganda effort.

Veterans Day is the perfect time to announce a great way to help those who’ve bravely fought for our country.

Operation Re-Gift is the idea of Michael D’Emilio, an old friend who decided he’s uncomfortable receiving gifts each holiday season that he really doesn’t want, particularly when there are people in our country who actually need.

Mike told his friends and family that, in lieu of the DVDs he never watches and the sweaters he never wears, he’d prefer they donate money to a veterans’ association.

The idea has taken root in Mike’s family, and has started to spread.

If you’re interested, the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (IAVA) provides a list of Troop Charities here. People who want to participate in Operation Re-Gift can encourage donations to these groups, or to IAVA itself.

The number of homeless veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars is increasing, and they need our help. Spread the word.

UPDATE: Also, please check out  Argghhh! The Home of Two Of Jonah’s Military Guys to learn more about Project-IT Valour, a terrific program that provides voice-activated laptops to veterans who’ve made physical sacrifices that make normal computer use nearly impossible.

In honor of Prince’s recent legal efforts to control his image on the internet, TNOYF thought this would be the ideal time to share some abstract Prince photoshop ideas from our staff.

“Tattoo-Prince with Ricardo Montalban in Hell”

by Buckley F. Williams

“Giant Clown-Prince Frolicking On A Sewage Canal In Calcutta”

By R.H. Potfry

“Coy Little Cowboy-Prince At A Monster Truck Pull in Austin, Texas”

By Islamic Rage Boy

“I Gotta Go Peeps Bad-Prince”

by Bruce Dickinson

Feel free to submit your Prince Photoshop ideas to us at TNOYF (potfry@aol.com).

As alarmed parents reacted to the news that the popular toy Aqua Dots was being recalled because it used a chemical that contained a date rape drug, one eight-year-old in Darien, Connecticut was agitated for a slightly different reason.

It seems Billy Cunningham was quite aware of Aqua Dots hidden powers and was planning some special activities for his ninth birthday party.

“You don’t get Suzie Arnold, Brittany Barker, and Vicky Ritter at a party and play Duck, Duck, Goose,” said Cunningham. “That’s opportunity knocking, and it’s where the nine-year-olds get separated from the eight-year-olds. A couple of Aqua Dots find their way into some juice boxes, or get accidentally sprinkled on a few sundaes, and Pin the Tail on the Donkey takes on a whole new meaning. You know what I’m sayin’?”

For her part, Billy’s mother Tonya Shaughnessy, was quite circumspect regarding Billy’s proclamation.

“Did he really say that? He is such a little devil! You know, ever since his father and I split up when he was seven months old he has really taken over the role of ‘man-of-the-house.’ I guess this is just one more example of how mature he is for his age. They grow up so fast. So fast.”

With the Aqua Dot option off of the table, Cunningham has been scrambling to find alternative party activities.

“I don’t want to give away all of my secrets, but I suppose I could drop a hint. Let’s just say that when one of the girls reaches in for a handful of popcorn from the container on my lap while we’re watching Toy Story II, Buzz Lightyear’s partner won’t be the only ‘woody’ in the room.”

Cunningham also predicted that a reformulated Aqua Dots would be dead-on-arrival at retail stores.

“You think that s&!% was a top seller because we all like to make gay little bead-crafts?” the eight-year-old asked rhetorically. “Sure. And I had Mom buy rubber cement because I like to make dainty flower collages.”

Welcome to the November 6 edition of the Dennis Kucinich Presidential Campaign Update with your host, Anne Marie Howard.

Hello and welcome. Dennis Kucinich’s race to the White House continued this week as Dennis yesterday presented a privileged resolution to the House calling for the impeachment of Vice President Dick Cheney.

And we have a special treat, because Dennis has taken time out of his busy schedule to explain the reasoning behind this bold, visionary move.

Thanks Anne Marie. You are very kind. I just want to start by saying that although I am the one who brought this resolution to the House, it took a strong effort on both sides of the aisle to make it actually happen.

You mean?

Yes. I am proud to say that through my tireless efforts, this impeachment resolution has received broad bi-galactic support. And may I add, an overwhelming amount of support at that.

Incredible. There are so many galaxies out there with intelligent life. Was it the Zxharthians from Trolon-6? The Goracs from the Internebulon Confederation? I’m sure our viewers are just dying to find out. I know I am!

Excellent guesses, both. However, I think the spaceship touching down behind me should jog your memory just a bit.

Oh my word! Is that…is that the Taneticklian delegation from the outer rim of the Anusian Belt?

Indeed it is Anne Marie. As you know, the Taneticklians have been steadfast and true partners of the uber-progressive wing of the Democrat party (me, mostly) in our ongoing battle to restore America to the glorious heights it has attained in my rather elaborate — and not infrequent — “visions.”

And is that the Taneticklians Grand Master, Barnahk Flenmong?

You don’t miss a trick Anne Marie. I’ve known Barnahk since my college days when we met at an intergalactic mixer. We became inseparable after he abducted and sedated Jeanne Davidson, a college classmate I had a huge crush on but who didn’t even know I existed. To this day, Jeanne’s girl-parts remain the only real, live human vagina that I have ever seen, and I have Barnahk to thank for the viewing. Shortly after, I agreed to give him a weekly sample of my feces in exchange for his helping me with this problem I had with a monster infestation under my bed. We’ve been very close ever since.

You know, I’ve heard that story a million times and I still get chills! But back to the issue at hand. Those on the right will accuse you of playing politics because of your resolution against Mr. Cheney. Some of the nastier ideologues will even question your sanity. How would you respond to these assertions?

Well first of all, this isn’t a political matter. Furthermore, I am not trying to be unreasonable here. There is a way out of this situation for the vice president. All we’re asking — all we’ve ever asked — is that he submit to the standard Taneticklian rectal truth probe to prove that his conscience is clear. If he has nothing to hide, this resolution will go away quickly, with the swelling and rectal bleeding subsiding shortly after.

Yes, I remember it took about two weeks for the bleeding to stop after my first probe. Now I get one yearly, whether I need it or not!

Excellent! Keep up that attitude, Anne Marie, and you’ll be a Level 4 Taneticklian before the third moon of Plong is in the western sky! Before I go, Anne Marie, I wanted to make an important announcement. Are you ready?

Does the short-haired Cyblorg defecate in the Mollow Bog?

Barnahk is here beside me not only to support the Cheney resolution, but also to help me announce my candidacy for Exalted Ruler of the Intergalactic Federation, with Barnahk as my Supreme Vice Ruler. Given the frequency and insistence of my visions, I decided that the Presidency of the United States would not give me the broad scope I need to affect change. And as you know, the Exalted Ruler’s domain includes Earth, and is second only to the UN in celestial authority. Now, we’ve been polling strongly throughout the northeastern multi-verse, but given its progressive tradition, that should not be a huge surprise to anyone. However, it is worth noting that we have picked up some major endorsements in the historically conservative Dorakkk Cluster. Given that, I really like our chances in the general election.

Well, there you have it folks. Kucinich-Flemong looks to be the hottest, and certainly the most rectally significant, ticket in next year’s election — assuming the rumored Larry Craig-Barney Frank ticket doesn’t materialize. Be sure to tune in for next week’s edition of the Dennis Kucinich Campaign Update.