In Baltimore today, a jury awarded nearly $11MM to the father of a Marine killed in Iraq in a verdict against the Westboro Church, whose members protested at the Marine’s funeral with signs that read, “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” and other similarly inspired invective. The church, led by Fred Phelps, believes that God is angrily slaying Americans due to our tolerance of homosexuality. In addition to heading-up the church, Phelps has also sired most of the congregation.

TNOYF caught this photo of Fred Phelps immediately after the protest, with some of his new signs. (Hat Tip: LGF)

The Director of National Intelligence announced today that the public affairs position set to be filled by Pat Philbin, the orchestrator of last week’s fake FEMA press conference, had been determined to be fake as well.

“Hey, I love a good prank,” said DNI Director Mike McConnell. “and why should the guys at FEMA have all the fun? So I just called Pat and told him that there really was no job, we were just pulling his leg all along. HA! I think I caught him by surprise, cause he just sort of whimpered. But I bet he’s laughing now, knowing what a great sense of humor he’s got.”

A reporter pointed out to McConnell that Philbin claimed he was unaware the FEMA media advisory went out as late as it did last week, creating the need for fill-in “reporters” at the hastily arranged news conference.

“Oh, that Pat really knows how to keep a joke going, doesn’t he?” said McConnell. “OK, OK, I’ll play along. Uh, I didn’t know that Pat’s job was fake, either. But I’m in charge, so I’ll just have to bear the burden of his unemployment.”

I have temporarily suspended my jihad against the West in order to straighten out a handful of increasingly pressing matters that continue to haunt me.

A number of pretenders to the Islamic Rage Boy throne have emerged in recent months, and dispatching of them is now of paramount importance to my own personal code of honor, as well as to the IRB franchise.

First and foremost is the most vocal, and persistent, of them all: an Indian who used to call himself “Shakeel Bhat.” This wretch who has taken to using my name, describes himself as “a professional protester”, which is really code for “curry-drenched ass-pirate.” The mighty IRB a protester? Bah! There are far too many Jews to incinerate and whores to mutilate to waste time marching and whimpering like a New York Times op-ed columnist on Newt Gingrich Appreciation Day.

Next came the one who calls himself “King Leonidas.” Oh he may not have used my name, but make no mistake about it: he has been quite consciously stealing my patented moves for some time. This Greek swine should have stuck to making sculptures or performing acts of sodomy rather than drawing the ire of this Persian. We shall soon see how he and his vaunted “300″ fare against a school bus packed from exit door to driver’s seat with C-4, barreling down the Pass of Thermopylae at them.

Now yet another vapid cur pretending to be yours truly has surfaced in Pakistan. This proboscisally-over-endowed mouth-breather was recently featured on the cover of Newsweek magazine in full Islamic Rage Boy garb. He was even sporting my officially licensed throwback dishadasha! Does their insolence know no bounds?

To top it all off, a rather burly homosexual American man has been unapologetically lifting my facial gestures, mannerisms, and voice tone in order to further his pathetic career. This man, who goes by “Rosie,” is perhaps the most insidious -and obvious- of them all. He is the Beatlemania to my Beatles. The “Bobcat”Goldthwait to my Sam Kinison. The Whitesnake to my Zeppelin. He must be first to go.

To add insult to injury, my attempt to have my own likeness trademarked was refused on legal grounds by an overeager - and temporarily still breathing- United States patent attorney several months back. Mark my words, he too will be made to pay. Hear me now, Mr. Fancy Trademark Attorney-Guy: no human being is illegal!

A new day has dawned. Islamic Rage Boy will suffer poseurs and con men no more!

A recent study by the computer science department at Carnegie Mellon — using complex algorithms, water flow analysis, and a smidgen of eye of newt — determined the 100 blogs (that’s short for “weblogs”) that keep readers most up to date on current news.

The Nose On Your Face came in at #23.

That a fake news blog would make a list of the finest real news blogs says much about either the sobriety of the Carnegie Mellon study team, or the overall quality of news blogs. Regardless, we’re proud that the study solidifies what we have been saying for quite some time: TNOYF is the top fake news organization out there. To wit, none of our faux news competitors — not CNN, the Daily Kos, the AP, not even the New York Times – made the list. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

Recognition of this sort does not come often, and we are humbled. And amused. And just a bit vexed. Regardless, the sky is the limit now. To paraphrase the great Cuban-American realtor Tony Montana, “First you get the high ranking on a study from Carnegie Mellon that no one who is not from Carnegie Mellon can understand anyway, then you get the money, then you get the women.”

Look out ladies. Here we come.

CLICK COMIC STRIP TO ENLARGE

Scott Beauchamp, the American soldier who penned diaries for The New Republic describing horrifically sadistic, abusive behavior on the part of U.S. soldiers in Iraq only to later recant, was killed today after accidentally detonating a concealed IED outside his barracks. According to eyewitnesses, the horribly disfigured Beauchamp staggered about for a few seconds before being mercifully run down by a Bradley armored vehicle.

“Private Beauchamp, aka Scotty Hemingway, is dead,” said Army investigator Captain Bill Higgins. “In all my years of investigating accidents, I’ve never encountered such an unusual sequence of events. And when you consider that every soldier on the base has come forward and claimed responsibility, you’ve got one tough case.”

The embattled Editor of The New Republic, Franklin Foer, offered a brief statement.

“By providing indisputable evidence of the types of transgressions described in Mr. Beauchamp’s diaries, his death clearly exonerates The New Republic from all charges of editorial carelessness levied by the right wing blogosphere.”

“Oh, and it sucks for Scott and all that stuff.”

The news last week that several branches of the military had unwittingly placed recruitment ads on gay websites left many wondering if the placement was a mistake or if the military was quietly trying to recruit gay men to fill its ranks.

TNOYF has received copies of the ads in question, and we’d like to know what you think.

In addition, a bit of historical research revealed that this may not be the first time the military directed its message to the gay community.

Comrade:

This is a simple test we use at The New York Times to ensure that our employees reflect a variety of social, political, and economic beliefs. Please read each question thoroughly, and then select your answer with a number 2 pencil. When you complete the exam, please place it in the box marked “Politburo” at the front of the room.

Remember, there are no wrong answers (except on questions 2,5,7,8,13 and 17).

If at any time you feel that you are being pressured in absentia by George Bush and his cronies, please notify a test monitor immediately.

1. Which of the following statements best describes your political leanings:

a. I consider myself a far more progressive Nancy Pelosi.

b. Bush lied, people died!

c. I have George Soros on speed dial.

d. I feel Stalin never really took it to that “next level.”

2. Complete the following: “Bush is to Hitler as…”

a. Jeffrey Dahmer is to Clay Aiken.

b. A serial rapist is to a benign snuggler.

c. Full-blown AIDS is to a hangnail.

d. A skyscraper is to Lincoln Logs.

3. The War in Iraq can best be described as:

a. An unmitigated disaster. And illegal.

b. The Mesopotamian Vietnam. And illegal.

c. Illegal. And Illegal.

d. Started by Bush on a dare from one of his “Skull & Bones” buddies after a week-long cocaine bender. And illegal.

4. You are a reporter in the field in Iraq. You come across a scene where you witness members of the resistance movement detonate an empty building, scatter teddy bears and children’s toys throughout the rubble, and douse the entire scene with goats’ blood. After a brief make-up session, they begin to wail at the sky while holding an unexploded shell casing that has “Infudell Xplosifs” written on the side in crayon. What do you do?

a. There are teddy bears in the rubble for goodness sake! I must set aside my training as an unbiased newsman and help dig the children out, although they were probably evaporated by the force of the blast.

b. Report the American soldiers’ war crimes to the proper authorities. In this case, the AP would have jurisdiction.

c. Apologize profusely for America’s punitive foreign policies that have forced these noble freedom fighters into such desperate measures, and then help to burn George Bush in effigy.

d. Immediately remove my Che Guevera t-shirt and replace it with an Osama bin Laden one to demonstrate my unity with the cause.

5. Why are conservatives so stupid?

a. Because if they were brilliant, they would then be called “liberals.”

b. Studies show that over time, repeatedly running over spotted owls in an SUV and then drinking their blood from your personalized “frat mug” can lower IQ’s by nearly 65%.

c. That is a patently unfair statement. It is not right to stereotype an entire ideology like that. I am deeply offended… almost had you! Actually, I think it’s because of lead exposure from their weekly oil baths.

d. Why is Rosie O’Donnell so reasonable? Why does Bush hate black people? I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.

6. Why do you think the victim in the Duke lacrosse case changed her story and lied for her white rapists?

a. Have you ever been cornered in an alley by ten college boys in full lacrosse gear?

b. Bush’s hit squad got to her.

c. Stockholm Syndrome.

d. It’s due to her low self-esteem resulting from Bush’s failed economic policies, which in turn forced her to earn her living as an exotic dancer.

7. Why is Europe so much better than America?

a. Because they drink espresso.

b. Because they do that cool thing with their pinkies when they drink their espresso.

c. Because they do that cool thing with their pinkies when they drink their espresso in chic little cafes with their legs crossed while exhorting mobs of disenfranchised Muslim youth to stand up against the evils of their intolerant Western oppressors.

d. Because they recognized the genius of Hasselhoff and Jerry Lewis when the Cro-Magnonesque American public could not.

8. Which best describes your feelings on abortion?

a. Hey, you have a bad tooth, you get it pulled. What’s the difference?

b. Abortion is necessary because condoms prevent mind-blowing orgasms.

c. The partial-birth abortion is the best of both worlds: it lets the mom see her baby briefly before it is brained.

d. Why the abortion option stops at birth is beyond me.

9. What do you see in this image?

a. Sanctified ovaries recently purged of a fetal infestation.

b. George Bush raping a baby harp seal while Ann Coulter holds it down and Karl Rove plays the harmonica.

c. A prenatal Che Guevera t-shirt.

d. The baby harp seal receiving a partial birth abortion.

10. Karl Rove leaves Washington DC in an over-sized, gas guzzling SUV traveling west at 1:30pm EST. Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld departs from San Francisco heading east in a fully armed Blackhawk helicopter that receives even more dreadful gas mileage at 2:25pm PST. Assuming there is a 15 mph wind blowing north to east, where will they meet up to plot the rape and destruction of yet another defenseless Third World country populated entirely by brown-skinned people?

a. This is a trick question. Rumsfeld was declared illegal in San Francisco back in 2002. The only remaining gun in that town has been kept in order to shoot him on sight if he ever attempts to return.

b. This is a trick question. Karl Rove is not a real person. He was invented by the right in order to strike fear into the hearts of liberals. Sort of like the Werewolf, Jesus Christ, and the Dread Pirate Roberts.

c. This is a trick question. There is no way to know where or even if they would meet up, since Rove’s SUV driver would clearly be operating under orders to run over any Mexicans, African-Americans, homosexuals, and Muslims on the way, thus causing innumerable stops. And Rumsfeld’s Blackhawk would be diverted to gun down spotted owl sanctuaries a minimum of several dozen times.

d . I hope Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld get gang-raped by a pack of Cape Buffaloes with elephantitus of the genitalia, while Susan Estrich sings an a cappella version of “Camptown Races” from atop the horns of the dominant male.

11. Your flight from San Francisco to New York is diverted due to the scaremongering tactics of the neo-con pilot who was concerned about the behavior of four Middle Eastern students in the back of the plane. These culturally-equal individuals were merely sanitizing their box cutters with a Bic lighter in preparation for an emergency cliterectomy they were set to perform on a whorish flight attendant who had offended their religious sensibilities by showing too much ankle. Your flight is forced to land in a red state. What do you do?

a. After soothing the wounds of the four Middle Eastern students with your All Things Are Possible Through Allah speech, you report the pilot’s completely unjustified, Islamophobic actions to the proper authorities. In this instance, CAIR has jurisdiction.

b. Consider the possibility that the plane slipped through a rip in the time-space continuum, and you are now in a neo-con parallel universe called “Ocla-home-a.”

c. After consulting your Red State Survival Guide, you immediately purchase a flannel shirt, put in a chaw of tobacco, tongue kiss your sister, and hold your hand over an open flame until your fingers become webbed, in order to blend in with the natives.

d. Reach into your carry-on and pull out your unabridged copy of The Complete Chomsky Companion, and ask the passenger in the next seat to beat you to death with it.

12. You are at your desk and you receive a call from one of the top U.S. commanders in Iraq with an exclusive story he wants to give to you, and only you. He claims he has irrefutable evidence (backed by video, extensive documentation, and eyewitness accounts from a wide variety of sources), that Al Qaeda in Iraq are being routed and the tide has turned strongly in favor of America and her allies. How do you handle the situation?

a. You say, “BEEP. You’ve reached the Compulsive Liar Hotline. All of our operators are currently busy assisting other neo-con warmongers.”

b. Ask him for his name to see if it would rhyme well with anything for the next discounted Moveon.org ad.

c. You say, “Nice try Mr. Rove, but I’d know that piercing, bloodthirsty voice anywhere.”

d. You respond to every single thing he says with, “I know you are, but what am I?” until he hangs up.

13. True or Not False: As a boy, Ronald Reagan shaved baby squirrels with a rusty straight razor and then Super-Glued them to the holster of his six-shooter for decorative purposes.

a . True

b. Not False

14. True or Not False: “Cheney” is an old Cherokee word that literally translated means “he who slaughters innocents, while his daughter munches squaw-wampum.”

a. True

b. Not False

 

15. Every time a civilian is killed in Iraq…

a. Their face is tattooed to George Bush’s back, under the heading “Don’t mess with Texas.”

b. Dick Cheney’s loins stir.

c. A lock of their hair is added to Donald Rumsfeld’s commemorative “Dead Iraqi” pillow.

d. A dead Republican gets his wings.

16. On your way to Starbucks, you witness what some less enlightened people might call “rape.” You, however, see the scene for what it is: a slightly under-documented immigrant who, exhausted by a full day of picking peaches for the man, has accidentally tripped, lost his pants, and is falling repeatedly into the orifice of a woman whose hair accidentally became entangled in his hand in the supermarket parking lot. What action do you take?

a. Tout the benefits of your short hair-do to the woman as the noble immigrant tries to extricate himself

b. Run back to the supermarket to purchase some detangling hair spray.

c. Ask the woman if she has better things to do than keep an exhausted field hand from his family with her Medusa-like hair and treacherous girl-parts.

d. In a spontaneous moment of camaraderie and respect, lick the dirty peach juice off the back of Jose while singing “La Cucuracha.”

 

17. Complete the following sentence: The drunk, trench-coat clad Catholic priest lured the young boy with promises of ____________.

a) Jolly Ranchers.

b) A limited edition “Mecha John the Baptist” card with 1,000 extra hit points from the Pokegod collection.

c) A “Get Out of Hell Free” card.

d) A very special “Sit and Spin” ride.

18. If George Bush has the heads of six Iraqi children, and trades two to Paul Wolfowitz in exchange for three kitten heads, what is the proportionate value of an Iraqi child to an American kitten on the Neo-Con Severed Head Exchange (NCSHE)? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

19. What does G. Gordon Liddy put on his cereal in the morning?

a. Ashes of ACLU lawyers.

b. Gunpowder.

c. Thin slices of spleen from a baby albino rhinoceros.

d. All of the above

20. Given the following information, select the best lead-in for your column today.

“It is a sunny, slightly breezy Tuesday.”

a. Leading scientists say that a series of Category 5 hurricanes are set to demolish upwards of 75% of U.S. port cities within the month. One meteorological expert noted that this looming catastrophe is directly linked to President Bush’s failure to ratify the Kyoto Treaty.

b. While many Americans bask in the unseasonably warm temperatures, poverty-stricken citizens in coastal communities work day and night sandbagging their homes against a rising ocean fed by glacier melt.

c. Lured by the promise of a better life, a dozen document-challenged Mexicans roasted to death under a hot sun in Southern Texas after getting trapped in a sandstorm generated by today’s breezy conditions.

d. American imperialism appears to be at its apex on this sunny, slightly breezy Tuesday.

____________________

Don’t forget to visit the TNOYF store soon, before Cafe Press rejects all the Islamic Rage Boy gear due to “political sensitivities.”

The MRI of Ted Kennedy’s blocked carotid artery was leaked to the press yesterday, sparking a raging debate about the true nature of the blockage that put the 75-year old senator under the knife late last week.

“This is perhaps the most unique MRI I’ve ever seen,” said TNOYF cardiology consultant Dr. Eihart Raygboi. “I first thought it was a standard stenosis capable of creating a fatal transient ischemic attack. But that couldn’t be– that particular type of blockage would have been cleared in 1969 by the rapid pressure change the Senator experienced when he plummeted off that bridge and then surfaced quickly.”

“Then it hit me– the man had a small bottle of Scotch lodged in his neck!”

A Kennedy spokesman had the following to say:

“Look, that could be just about anything. It’s not like science is…an exact…science or anything. It’s really open to interpretation: like a Rorshach test. You say you see a bottle of Dewar’s 12-year-old, I say it’s an alcoholic assassin’s homemade bullet, meant to besmirch the good name of our country’s most prominent political family.”

Authorities are looking into the spokesman’s claim and have not ruled out the possibility of a second shooter–possibly Tequila– in the case. At this time, police are interviewing bandolier-clad waitresses in the DC-area bar He’s Not Here for further clues.

Willett Elementary principal Gaylene Heppe has recently banned “tag” and all other unsupervised “chasing” games out of fear of injury and hurt feelings to her students at the Attleboro, Massachusetts school.

“To be honest, I don’t like either the violence or the exclusionary nature of those kinds of games,” said Heppe. “Who wants to be ‘it’? What is ‘it’? To me ‘it’ is an offensive and dehumanizing characterization that will only lead to major psychological concerns later in life.”

Not all of the standard school yard games have been removed, however, you may be unlikely to recognize them in their new manifestations. These include:

• “Smear the Queer” which has been renamed “Assimilate the Differently Sexualized” and will now focus on understanding the differences and similarities between children with varied sexual proclivities.
• “Dodgeball” which is now called “Chicken Feather Tickle-Time“, and involves neither dodging nor a ball.
• “Duck, Duck, Goose” which has been renamed “Conservative, Conservative, Jew” in an effort to be more ornithologically sensitive.
• “Ring-Around-The-Rosie” will remain basically the same, but a 2:1 social worker to child ratio must now be maintained at all times. School officials say this is to insure that children have an outlet to discuss fears of a painful, plague-riddled death that may emerge during play.

The changes are not limited to the schoolyard either. Heppe felt that the school’s current bathroom procedures were “barbaric and hopelessly outdated”, and has since launched several school-wide initiatives to address these issues. The new initiatives include:

• “Cooperative Urination Groups” to teach children, in Heppe’s words, “to help their neighbors while learning a valuable lesson about the different sizes, shapes, and textures of everyone’s sexual organs.”
• “Sit While You Pee Day” for boys and “Stand, Lean, and Leak Day” for girls to, as the school’s handbook notes, “give kids a taste of what it’s like to be a member of the opposite sex, but more importantly, to see that we are not so different after all.”

Update: After prolonged playground observation of “Assimilate the Differently Sexualized“, school officials are reporting that they will indeed be renaming it “Dodgeball“.