Osama bin Laden’s decision to neaten up and dye his formerly gray, scraggly beard appears to be paying immediate dividends for the Al Qaeda front man. In his just released video, bin Laden emanates what some experts are calling an even more potent form of charisma than he was able to muster in his early years.

Al Qaeda spokesman Hassan al Mouri had this to say.

“Think ‘a TJ Hooker-era Shatner meets Luther Vandross pre-gastric bypass, topped off with George Michael’s beard circa 1985.’ Powerful stuff.

Our focus group research showed that nearly four in five people were either ‘very likely’ or ‘likely’ to detonate themselves for a tanner, darker haired bin Laden. When the same group was shown the picture of a graying, Ally McBealish Osama with a Marilyn Manson skin tone, that number dropped to just one in five. Statistics don’t lie: People want to be sent to a painful, fiery death by an attractive, generally virile looking jihadi.”

Noted mullah makeover specialist Youfasa in Mabouti suggested that the transformation from “old and weak, to jihad sheik” was not as difficult as you might think.

“Sure, I had limited resources to work with,” said Mabouti, “but I am used to creating miracles from scratch. They don’t call me ‘The Pakistani Paul Mitchell’ for nothing. For example, many people are not aware of this, but it turns out that Azerbaijani semen is the original Grecian formula. I’d tell you how I worked out all the wrinkles in his face and neck, but I don’t want to give away all of my trade secrets.”

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