Smith: With the death count climbing, the sadness that has overtaken the nation is almost palpable, wouldn’t you say, Kimberly? I haven’t seen this sort of outpouring since 9-11. The way people pull together, the American spirit in the face of unspeakable calamity.

Guilfoyle: Well, not to sound callous but just five people are dead, Shepherd.

Smith: And climbing.

Guilfoyle: Uh, I guess. There are some people missing.

Smith: Scores. That we know of. What about the people who aren’t aware they are missing?

Guilfoyle: Uh, there are eight people missing, Shepherd.

Smith: Hmm. Let’s go live to Greta Van Susteren in

Minneapolis. Greta, I understand you have some new information for us.

Van Susteren: That’s right, Shepherd. I was just told that the company that painted the lines on the road over this bridge-to-Hades had been investigated eight years ago for lead paint violations.

Smith: Sweet mother of God.

Guilfoyle: Um, maybe I’m missing something, but what’s that got to do with anything?

Van Susteren: Hello? Is this thing on? Did you see the school bus? So in addition to being dropped off the bridge to nowhere, these kids were exposed to lead paint.

Guilfoyle: You’re joking right?

Van Susteren: Hardly. An On The Record poll recently showed that when the question is phrased properly, with ominous music playing in the background, nearly 92% of my viewers believe that even passing exposure to lead paint can drop a child’s IQ between thirty and fifty points. Maybe where you come from the retarding of our children is a joking matter, but I hardly find it amusing.

Smith: I concur Greta. That was beyond the pale.

Guilfoyle: You can’t be…

Van Susteren: Shepherd, as I was saying before Idi Amin there interrupted me, authorities on the scene continue to make even more devastating discoveries as the minutes tick by.

Smith: Such as?

Van Susteren: As if the lead paint discovery were not enough, my sources tell me that one of Scott Peterson’s third cousins was a member of the original construction team that built this bridge.

Smith: Pray for our souls.

Guilfoyle: What on Earth does that even mean?

Van Susteren: For someone who has clearly had some lead paint exposure herself, you’d think you’d have a bit more compassion for others involved in a tragedy that is only possibly eclipsed in scale and magnitude by Hitler’s concentration camps. However, since Shep and I drew the short straw and have to endure your insipid questioning, I’ll explain. Re-traumatization, Kimberly. Every woman who was on this bridge, ever used this bridge, saw pictures of this bridge, sang London Bridge as a child, or has played bridge, has now been vicariously traumatized and will require intensive therapy if they ever hope to live anything resembling a normal life again.

Guilfoyle: That is the stupidest…

Smith: Cut her mic! Cut it now! I apologize for that Greta.

Van Susteren: Not your fault Shep.

Smith: We will return to our 24/7 coverage of Death Plunge 2007 after these words from our sponsors.

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