Nothing provides junk-protection like Islamofascism (click to visit and buy). 

9. When he said “happy ending” he was referring to the delicious dessert that comes free with the senior citizen’s meal at Friendly’s.

8. Never told the officer “stick your c*** through this glory-hole”, what he actually said was “can you believe JFK was shot from the grassy knoll?”

7. Didn’t tap the officer’s foot as a signal for fellatio, was merely trying to get as far away as possible from the guy in the other stall who had a “triple-flusher” going.

6. Thought two foot taps was the sign for “Let’s go Boise State!”, not “I’d like some hot, sticky, man-on-man swordplay.”

5. Barney Frank was crawling into his stall from the other side and he was merely tapping for help.

4. Was listening to Barbara Streisand Sings Broadway’s Finest Show Tunes on his i-pod and got carried away with the toe-tapping.

3. Wasn’t tapping for gay sexual favors, just wanted to see if he could borrow the JC Penny Men’s Swimwear Catalog and a soiled sweat sock from the guy in the next stall.

2. Thought the officer’s well-worn shoe was really Ted Kennedy’s liver coming to exact it’s revenge for a perceived slight on the Senate floor years ago.

1. A witch put a spell on him and he needed a the eye of a newt, a sprig of poison ivy, and a cup of freshly milked semen extracted in an airport bathroom to make the potion to break the curse.

Editor’s Note: Sources have revealed that the Berkeley Breathed “Opus” cartoon (rejected by many U.S. newspapers) was exposed to Muslim staffers at The Washington Post at the behest of Comics Editor Amy Lago to help inform the decision as to whether or not to run the cartoon. The “emotional” reaction of the staffers apparently helped sway an already “alarmed” contingent in the higher echelons of The Washington Post.

In yet another journalistic coup, TNOYF reporters obtained this video transcript of the meeting between Post Assistant Managing Editor Mike Keegan and the Muslim staffers.

“Thank you, gracious Muslim staffers of The Washington Post, for joining me tonight. Before I start, let me share some good news: the Executive Board of The Washington Post has agreed to consider your demand that the entire building be rotated to face Mecca. It will require some effort, but I’m confident we can push it through. In fact, I just learned the board member most opposed to the motion had a bit of an… epiphany… last week as her brakeless car hurtled down Courthouse Road.”

“HOORAY!”

“Now to today’s topic. Once again, we are forced to ask for your editorial guidance on a matter that is quite…controversial. But, before I get into that, let me dispense with the standard disclaimer: nothing said here tonight is intended to offend you. No facial expressions, shifts in voice tone, or nervous tics should be interpreted as attacks on Islam. Also, after last month’s unfortunate but deadly misinterpretation of the color scheme in Design Editor McClenighan’s tie, I’ve been asked by our lawyers to add that our clothing is also not intended to offend you, your families, Mohammed, or Islam in general. OK?

“OK, but the tie did look like the Israeli flag.”

“You’ll get no argument from me, Mr. Ibrahm. It was clearly Zionist neckware. However, when our employees fillet each other in a public forum, it creates…problems for us as a corporate enterprise. Surely you understand.”

“The Jew-loving cur deserved to die.”

“A thousand deaths, praise be to Allah. However, drawing and quartering tends to put off some of our less enlightened readers and we are running a business here. Nevertheless, let us get to the matter at hand. Are you comfortable?”

“I have not received the agreed-upon portion of falafel. Must I remind you of the last time my blood-sugar fell?”

“CAN WE GET MR. ABDUL-FATAAH SOME FALAFEL, STAT? Thanks. OK– the right-wing shill cartoonist Berkeley Breathed has submitted a cartoon for publication, and I would like to show it to you. Now, please remember, I did not conceive, write, color, print or transport this material. I am simply the reluctant messenger. Uh–Mr. Majeed–I thought we agreed that we would leave our machetes home. Would you mind putting that away?”

“Sorry, but I need to address the exposed ankle of my cousin’s wife tonight, and did not think I’d be able to get home in time to get my machete. And get to the gym.”

“I thought you might be working out. I’ve noticed a difference.”

“Thanks. I’ve found a personal trainer really helps.”

“OK, gentlemen. Here is the cartoon-”

“BLASPHEMY!”

“BE-HEAD THE INFIDEL!”

“BUSH LIED, PEOPLE DIED!”

“Pardon?”

“Sorry. Wrong protest.”

“No matter. It is as I feared. On behalf of every employee of The Washington Post, let me apologize for this racist, Islamophobic, hate-filled attempt at humor. As compensation for your discomfort this evening, I’m pleased to announce that we have decided to use the space normally reserved for “Opus” to run one of Talha Saad’s enlightened cartoons. Yes, my Muslim friends, tomorrow the readers of The Washington Post will be treated to the revolutionary work entitled, “Catholic Priest Raping a Rabbi While Being Pissed On By A Giant Sloth.”

“HOORAY!”

Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I am a registered Democrat living in the Washington, DC area. I recently learned from a friend of a friend that that neocon comic hack Berkeley Breathed wrote a comic strip that is both offensive and cruel to Muslims. On behalf of my former religion (I am a recovering Catholic) and my country (which I barely recognize since Hitler’s retarded, albeit more vicious, cousin stole his way into office six years ago), I wish to offer my sincerest apologies to you and all of your fellow freedom fighters, particularly those in undercover resistance cells here in the United States who are not allowed to integrate with their like-minded Democratic brethren thanks to the fascist immigration policies of this administration.

I wanted to let you know that in an attempt to cleanse my mental palette after taking in these horrifically odious strips of venomous comic dreck, I spent a full thirty minutes at Ted Rall’s website, fully immersed in the soothing comedic strains of a true revolutionary thinker. For my money, there is nothing like a good joke about dead American soldiers for salving the sting of another erroneous attack on the religion of peace.

Anyway, as some newspapers have seen fit to actually publish these cartoonish vehicles of hate, including the Los Angeles Times which has clearly lost its editorial mind, I wanted to know what I could do to help right this wrong? Can I as a current non-Muslim, assist by issuing a death decree on my own? Sort of a “citizen’s fatwa” as it were. I would truly like to help the cause. Please advise.

Decidedly Tolerant In DC

Dear Decidedly,

I very much enjoyed reading your letter, and as you can clearly tell by my above picture, you brought a big smile to an old jihadi’s face with your very kind words. You and I share many similar viewpoints and in another situation, I most likely would call you “friend.” So it was with great despair that I read the portion of your note that declared you a “non-Muslim.” At this point, I feel it is my obligation to let you know that even though you are doing Allah’s work, I will not be able to spare you when the new caliphate arises. It is not personal, but as a pig-loving non-believer you will be beheaded, dragged through the streets by your scrotum, and filleted on the steps of the local mosque, Allah willing.

But back to your question. There are a great many ways you can be of service. My best suggestion is to contact the DC chapter of the ACLU and ask for a copy of their very helpful pamphlet, “So You Want To Be A Jihadi?” Ask for Stu and tell him Rage Boy sent you.

Now as for the cartoon at hand. This Breathed character has been a thorn in my side for years. I’ve made no secret of my hatred for this right wing puppet and his insipid penguin. Speaking of which, what is this fascination in America with a small flightless bird that spends its miserable existence waddling around frozen (though warming) ice floes in the Antarctic waiting to be devoured by the noble killer whale? 

Best of luck.

IRB 

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, and the making of hit records.

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John Evander Couey was afforded what prosecutors are calling “a tremendous break” during the sentencing phase of his trial for the rape and murder of 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford. Circuit Court Judge Ric Howard sided with the jury, which voted 10-2 in favor of Couey receiving the death sentence, a decision that prosecutors have protested in the strongest possible terms.

“Judge Howard has a reputation as a no-nonsense judge who metes out very stiff sentences,” said David Abenouder, a spokesman for the prosecution. “I guess we are now seeing that this is not the case. I should have realized he had gone soft when our motion to release Mr. Couey on the African Savanna with a wounded gazelle welded to his genitalia was dismissed out of hand. Justice has not been served in this instance.”

For their part, Couey’s defense attorneys are claiming the light sentence vindicates their strategy of attempting to mitigate potential punishment by claiming their client is mentally retarded.

“This is not only a victory for John Couey, but for justice,” said Couey attorney Serge Mendehlson. “Not only did my client escape with only a basic death sentence, but the judge rightly made adjustments in his sentence that take into account Mr. Couey’s diminished mental capacity. The fact that he will receive his lethal injection by the boiler room of an elementary school sporting both a helmet and a bib and holding his favorite crayon, is more than we could have hoped for. I am quite pleased with the outcome.”

Peace Mom Cindy Sheehan answers your questions about life, love, and the Neo-Con PNAC agenda!

Dear Cindy:
I have been in a relationship with a man for two years, and I am in love with him. But, my question is when I say to him, “I love you,” there is nothing — just silence. What is the problem? What should I do? Am I just fooling myself?
The Silence Is Slowly Killing Me And I’m Cold– Anchorage, Alaska

Dear Silence:

Yes, you are fooling yourself.  American men are innately evil creatures, driven by lust and greed.  Why?  Let’s look at history.

The first men landed here in America about 200 years ago from Israel with large buckets of oil, sharp knives and bad intentions. When they ran out of Indians and Eskimos to kill, they started on the Iraqis. It is a blood lust that can not be satisfied.  Perhaps, instead of expecting him to say “I love you,” you should be just glad that he hasn’t slit your throat and siphoned the gas out of your car.

Have you not considered the tender touch of a woman to help you pass the cold Alaskan winters?  Perhaps the scruffy, unshowered female captain of a fishing trawler, who’s been at sea for months and smells of fish and pent-up desire?

If you insist on a male, you need to find one who appreciates you.  I’d recommend a nice Swede, or Venezuelan.

Dear Cindy:
My cat just jumped off the couch and collapsed…now she is walking, but slowly. She is only about 8 months old. I’m wondering if she ate one of the weird little bugs around our house. Nothing appears to be wrong with her legs.
Feeble Feline in Fresno

Dear Feeble:
At least your cat can eat. Did you know that most Iraqis have nothing at all to eat? They are trapped in their tee pees, unable to milk their goats or go to the Quick Chek, because American death rains on them from the sky. They would probably be happy to have some of your disease-addled bugs. I hope your cat dies.

Dear Cindy:
I have a quick math question for you: Jerry was 6 years old when his mother was 30. Now she is twice his age. How old is Jerry?
Curious in Copper Springs

Dear Curious:
Jerry is dead, killed in some far away land for oil and a neo-con agenda that only benefits a very chosen few in this world. His mother is grieving and driving an electric car.

Eager for a return to their NBA glory days, the championship-starved New York Knicks are taking steps to ensure that success is on the horizon. To that end, the team has proposed a revolutionary new contract to their star point guard, Stephon Marbury, that has some unique incentives built in. Among these is a “euthanasia clause” that would come into play were the player to fail to lead the team into at least the Eastern Conference Finals.

“I’d love to take credit for the idea, but it was really Stephon’s brainchild,” said Knicks GM Isaiah Thomas. “When I heard him weigh in on the Michael Vick case, I thought, ‘Wow. This is a guy who is ready to lead by example.’ We hope to use Stephon’s contract as a template for the rest of the team in the future.”

Sensing the positive wheels-of-change in motion, many Knicks fans are understandably excited about the new direction of the team.

“I think it’s great,” said lifelong Knicks fan Anthony ‘Tony Hoops’ Giacavuzzi. “And I happen to agree with Stephon. Basketball’s just a game. Like dogfighting, German snuff films, or soccer in Uday’s Iraq. These new incentives should really bring out the best in the team. And if not, well then at least we have a brutal public execution to look forward to. Go Knicks!”

9. China Responds To Consumer Demands, Will Now Offer Toys In Both Regular And Unleaded Varieties

8. 2012 Presidential Race Kicks Off With A Bang

7. War In Iraq Succeeding, New York Times, Democrats Hardest Hit

6. Bloodshed, Riots In The Street As Muslims In _____________ Express Outrage Over___________

5. 99.99% Of Respondents To A Recent TNOYF Poll Agree “That Gary Busey Is Just F***ing Weird”

4. Hillary Pushes For Increased Taxes On Corporations, The Rich, My Patience

3. Due To Disappointing 3rd Quarter Revenues, Fox’s O’Reilly Announces That Spin Will Now Stop “Right Over There”

2. ACLU Files Defamation Suit On Behalf Of Geico Cavemen

1. Michael Vick Involuntarily Tied To Prison Cockfighting Ring

Announcer: “Fox now continues with coverage of “Nappy Headed Ho-Gate: Jeri-Curls In the Heartland” with your hosts, Shepard Smith and Greta Von Susteren. We join Shepard live, in New York.”

“I’m just back from a highly emotional visit to the Rutgers campus in New Jersey where I met with the woman’s basketball team, and let me tell you, you can feel the hurt, the anguish– the existential pain of these young ladies. After spending an hour “gettin real” with them, Greta, I’m convinced that this lawsuit against Don Imus threatens to become nothing short of this generation’s Roe vs. Wade.”

“Uh…Shep…..you do know that Roe vs. Wade legalized abortion, right?”

“Indeed it did, Greta, and I for one will rest better knowing that Don Imus can’t take away a woman’s right to choose.”

“Right….Uh, Shep, was there a little party at Rutgers today as part of your visit? As a former ‘hoopster,’ I know those college basketball girls can get pretty crazy!”

“If by ‘crazy’ you mean grievously wounded, Greta, then, yes, I suppose they are. Given the circumstances, who am I to deprive them of some liquid solace in their time of need?”

“Understood, Shepster. Well, while you get your bearings, let’s start to talk to some people who can help us sort out the confusion behind Nappy-Headed Ho-Gate. First, a man who understands the realities of nappy hair better than most people, former Patridge Family member and current gravelly-voiced has-been, Danny Bonaduce. Welcome Danny!”

“The Patridge Family?!?  God, how I loved Susan Dey.”

“Thanks Greta.  Although your producers told me we were going to be talking about my upcoming boxing match with Tonya Harding and-”

“Sorry, Danny– as much as I would love to hear you tell us how tough you are, I need to cut to Al Sharpton, who wrote the proverbial book on nappy hair.  Reverand Al, how do you feel about this lawsuit?”

“Thank you Greta. The lawsuit- WOMAN, WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR?”

“POWER TO THE SISTAS!  OK, Al.  I’ve got one for you.  I’m going to put three faces up on the screen, and you tell me which one has the nappiest hair.  Ready?”

“I WILL NOT-”

“Not game?  OK, which of the following three images best exemplifies the meaning of “Ho?”

“Mmmmmm.  Ho-Ho’s.”

“This is a mockery and a-”

“SWEET MOTHER OF GOD PROTECT US!!!  HURRICANE DEAN HAS BECOME A CAT 5, SHEP!!!  TO THE YUCATAN WITH YOU!! MACH SCHNELL!  MACH SCHNELL!”

On the heels of her excellent expose on the stress, anxiety, and depression that many illegal immigrants are forced to live with in this country, MetroWest Daily News staff writer Liz Mineo has scored another journalistic coup. The Framingham, Massachusetts writer has now set her sights on the prejudice, discrimination, and danger that sexual offenders must deal with on a daily basis.

“As I reflected on the horrors that undocumented Americans go through, I began to wonder about other marginalized groups in this country,” said Mineo. “I started to think about how terrible it must be to be a ‘rapist’, or as I like to call them, ‘unapproved fornicators.’

Let me tell you, their daily lives are fraught with both sadness and peril. For example, did you know that upwards of 43% of the women they accost have had some type of martial arts training? Or that nearly 63% of the objects of their affection carry either pepper spray or mace? And here’s the kicker, over three quarters of them are carrying those deadly weapons without the proper government approval! Now you tell me, who are the real victims?”

Mineo went on to note that simply tracking down their potential partners can be quite tricky.

“The system as it stands today is patently unfair. When these gentlemen enter a house late at night, there is no telling what they may find. Skateboards, vicious dogs, or even insanely jealous spouses could be waiting on the other side of that locked window, which is why many of these individuals are pushing hard for an early release of the new Google Home Schematics program. Just to level the playing field a bit.”