Fresh off of his team’s stunning victory at the recently completed Asian Cup, Iraqi national team captain Younis Mahmoud took the opportunity to say that he would like to see America out of his homeland, and that he wished they “didn’t invade Iraq” in the first place. To the surprise of many, Mahmoud went on to assert that by freeing Iraq’s soccer team from the notoriously brutal grip of Saddam’s son Uday, America actually made their task more difficult.

“Yes, yes, yes, America always knows best don’t they?” Mahmoud asked rhetorically. “Coming into my country and shaking things up; destroying years of tradition. I actually had one of the American’s tell me that with Uday gone, I should have motivation to win - get this- for myself and my “newly freed country.” Well let me tell you something my friend. You want motivation? Try taking a penalty kick with a wood chipper staring at you from behind the net. Try playing a must-win World Cup qualifier with a remote-detonated explosive device strapped to your man parts. And don’t even get me started about how we used to run suicides. That is motivation. Save the ‘Gipper’ stories for foolish schoolgirls.”

A U.S. military spokesman had the following to say.

“I can certainly see where Mr. Mahmoud is coming from,” said Captain Rick Corlett. “I have a bit of a nostalgic streak myself. That is why we are going to leave, but not before we put things right. As we speak I am having my men re-mine the soccer fields and dust off the genital dart guns. Obviously we cannot reinstate Uday as Minister of Sport, but we were able to work out an early release deal with Charles Manson.”

Mahmoud called the gesture “a good start” and went on to say that although Manson “is no Uday, he does have an impressive body of work; even by Middle Eastern standards.”

As baseball fans heatedly debate the merits of Barry Bonds’ inevitable ascendance to career home run king, a different controversy surfaced yesterday when the asterisk, the star-like typographical symbol expected by many to appear alongside Bonds’ place in the record books to denote the slugger’s steroid use, announced that it wanted “no part” of Bonds’ record. In the shocking announcement, a visibly testy asterisk said the association with the slugger’s tarnished image would sully its “storied reputation” and perhaps impact its ability to find meaningful work in the future.

“I usually try to stay out of controversy, but Barry Bonds is a pompous, narcissistic fool,” said the asterisk. “I’m drawing the line. It’s time some other punctuation marks start to carry some of this dirty water. In fact, I’ll call out the question mark. Why don’t we put the very symbol of uncertainty, doubt and improbability alongside Mr. Bonds’ skid mark in the record book? WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE ASTERISK?”

The question mark was unavailable for comment. A phone call to its home was answered by the semi-colon, who said the question mark was attending a seminar on the proper use of conjunctive adverbs with the apostrophe and the ellipsis. But the semi-colon offered some insight into the debate.

“Look, the asterisk has a point; we all need to take a good look at this,” he said. “I, for one, thought this might be a great opportunity for the ampersand to step up and recover from the Hall & Oates tragedy. But it might just be that the horrid responsibility of having linked the two guys who wrote the song Maneater is too much to overcome.”

Update:  A representative for the period told our sources that a blockbuster deal with the asterisk was scuttled this morning.  Details are sketchy, but the period had offered to assume responsibility for Bonds’ record in exchange for being relieved of its responsibility as the shorthand expression for a woman’s menstrual cycle.  The deal imploded when the National Organization for Women threatened to abandon all punctuation usage entirely if women were forced to say, “Oh crap, I just got my asterisk.”

Update 2:  The umlaut ¨ reportedly offered its services to the asterisk without condition but was turned down for being “too French, even for Barry Bonds.”  When the asterisk was told that the umlaut appears in several other European languages, it responded, “Oh, no, does this mean that they won’t like us?  Cause I’m really worried about pissing off the Europeans right now, when my entire existence is about to be associated with a guy who looks like an over-cooked Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.  Really.  Let me check the old asterisk-priority list pronto, cause heaven forbid we PISS OFF THE EUROPEANS, THE FOLKS WHO BROUGHT US THE GODFORSAKEN TILDE (~),  BASICALLY A WANDERING, SPINELESS DASH THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD SAY “NYAH.” 

Guest Editorial

by Sampson the Dog

After watching the nauseating spectacle that the Michael Vick dogfighting situation has become over the past week - combined with the fact that I used to mix it up a bit myself back in the day- I felt I had to weigh in to set the record straight on a few things.

First, I am a dog. I socialize exclusively with dogs (and occasionally Gary Busey). As far as we can tell, neither I nor any of my canine companions have ever asked PETA to speak up for us on anything. Ever. I mean. have you seen these f***ing people? Look, I may lick my own balls from time to time, and on the odd occasion I have been known to eat my friends’ feces, but I need PETA’s endorsement like Ted Kennedy’s liver needs some further discoloration. Thanks guys, but we’ve got this one covered.

Second, media coverage. I can only take so many Michael Vick questions. Unless Anna Nicole Smith is resurrected, matriculates into college, goes on spring break to the Caribbean, and ends up getting eaten by drug-dealing reef sharks, we’ll never hear the end of this. However, the daywalker Van Sustern has been strangely subdued on the whole matter. Let’s hope it stays that way.

And finally, no one has actually talked to me or my friends about whether or not we actually want to fight to the death. Many of us do. It’s not like we have a ton of options. Guide dog for the blind? It sounds like fun, but after the novelty of leading your owner into gay porno bookstores or bringing him home to the wrong house wears off, it gets to be a bit dull. House dog? I don’t think so. We left the plantation behind us a long time ago. Firehouse dog? Let’s see, the firemen get turbo-charged hoses, hi-tech communications equipment, and wear state-of-the-art, flame-resistant clothing. We get to sport fur coats, bare paws, and exposed genitalia. Seems fair. Thanks guys, but I’ll take my chances duking it out in the ring with a hungry pit bull.

These must be some of the same do-gooders who kept complaining about dwarf-tossing a few years back, and finally got it banned. I’m sure the dwarf citizenry is thrilled that their career options are now limited to being Bingo the Clown’s helper at children’s parties and appearances as extras in Ron Jeremy’s It’s A Small Hole (After All) film series.

Sampson out. Kidding. I just like to f*** with that Twinkie-juggler Seacrest.

Lindsay Lohan’s recent arrest for alcohol use (a violation of her probation) and cocaine possession, has landed the promising young actress back in trouble with the law. However, the starlet is not taking these accusations lying down. Lohan family friend Gina Glickman has gone on the record as saying that the cocaine found on Lindsay was not her’s, but rather that she “was wearing someone else’s pants.”

Los Angeles Police Department spokesman Sgt. Richard Davies sympathized with Lohan’s plight, yet remained steadfast on the LAPD’s position.

“I feel for her, I really do,” said Davies. “I think it is entirely possible that her story is true, but we have to work with the evidence that is presented to us. Let this serve as a warning to other young Hollywood actresses: If you are going to borrow a pair of pants from a friend when you are out partying, just make sure that friend is not Courtney Love.”

Far from being an entirely negative experience, Lohan has actually seen her stock rise in the wake of her latest run-in with the law, as Glickman explains.

“The phone is ringing off of the hook. Illicit Narcotics Quarterly has presented her with their prestigious Platinum Straw award. Cocaine Fancy magazine has listed her as one of their “Starlets on the Move.” And Robert Downey Jr. has started calling. Things are moving.”

Lohan herself had no comment on the matter other than to say she was “very pleased with the way the mugshot came out.”

Fox News recently reported that Al Qaeda members have taken to using the porous U.S.-Mexico border as a means to infiltrate the former country. As one border patrol agent recently discovered, this was no idle warning.

“We’ve had our suspicions for quite some time,” said Agent Daniel Simpson. “First thing we noticed was that some of the illegals weren’t stopping for siestas on their journey. That puzzled us, but we wrote it off thinking that maybe they were just Colombian or something. Next we turned up a few copies of Camel Fancy magazine, and our radar really went up. But hey, everyone has their own thing. I’m not ashamed to admit I still get a bit tingly during The Crying Game. To each his own.”

Simpson continued.

“Then we began noticing some subtle language differences. For instance, when we captured them, many of the illegals were greeting us with ‘hola akhbar’. This might happen once or twice and be written off as a misunderstanding, but this was occurring too frequently to be an accident.”

However, at least one man disagrees with Simpson’s assertion.

“This is a most racist and disgraceful characterization, this gringo has made,” said Fernando al Tikriti bin Gomez. “By Allah’s beard I will remove the worthless pig’s head with my scimitar…is, ummm, what I would say were I anything other than an honest and upstanding Mexican national, looking to cross peacefully into the land of the Great Satan to find employment to support his family.”

CAIR representative Ibrahim Hooper was unavailable for comment, but his answering machine did contain a message that offered an official blanket condemnation against “any Westerner who: insults Islam; makes fun of Islam; has not yet accepted Islam; acknowledges Islam exists; and uses the words “I” and “slam” in a sentence together which would clearly fall under the category of an insult.

In the whole of the world there is none more speech frantic

Than Sir Richard of Durbin, Crown Prince of Bad Antics

From his perch high atop the United States Senate

Sir Richard screamed “foul” and then said that he meant it.

“Stalin and Hitler and also Pol Pot

Bad men I concur, but not compared to this lot

For Bush and his Gulag have surpassed them all

How? Take a seat and relax and let me recall.”

Sir Richard leaned forward and commenced his tale

It was how do you say… oh yes… quite a whale.

“The temperature’s cold no wait now it’s hot

Is this how we treat our fellow humans? It’s not.

And long before Thermometergate charges were filed

Came the news that the holy Q’aran was defiled.

Oh the horror, the shame, the cries for your mommy!

To place the Holiest of Books in a fecal tsunami!

But wait, that’s not all, not by shots short nor long

These Army devils keep playing the most vile of songs!

This form of torture is too cruel to consider

Nastier still than the Doo-daddle-diddler!

Brittney Spears, Celine Dion and Manilow too

These poor fellows can’t take it, quite frankly, could you?

Sir Richard sat back with a grin ‘cross his face

He could tell by their looks they had bought this disgrace.

He imagined what came next for Sir Richard of Durbin

Perhaps he’d trade his Cubs cap for a turban?

Satisfied he was achieving what he thunked that he would

The Crown Prince continued, he was feeling quite good.

“Who among us can wonder what response this elicits?

Their religion is peaceful, but does have it’s limits.

The blame for the bombs, fires and decapitations

Lies squarely at the feet of this administration.

You are a bad man you George Double-U

Not only I think it, but Michael Moore too.

Hollywood, France and Vermont are concurrers

Penn, Depp and Couric add their names to the slurrers .

With microphones poised and lots of low aiming

The MSM reporters kept the fires a-flaming.

“Sir Richard,” one asked,” if I may be so bold

How do you know it is true what you’ve told?”

Sir Richard lit up right before them all

And prepared to thwack this question softball.

My dear friend what a terr-if-ic question

I was just about to go in that direction!

The reason I know that my words are so true?

I was told so by Muhammad al Khalid bin Soo

A nice Arab student who wrote me from Gitmo

He told me it’s true, and that makes it so.

Satisfied with the answer and with no follow-up

The reporters nodded as one and said “yep”.

At that point Good Sir Richard began his big ending

The crowd was all ears for the message he was sending.

“If you listen at night you can just hear the squeals

From Muslims being served culturally insensitive meals

Is that what we’ve become in the U.S. today?

By Fidel Castro’s beard, the answer is ‘nay’!

Not as long as my liberal-moonbatty brethren

Can still manage to manipulate public opinion!

He hornswaggled and spun, he raved and he ranted

The hippies held poorly spelled signs and they chanted.

But something was different, quite different this time

I noticed it just past a glassy-eyed mime.

A group of young people with laptops a-glowing

Were speaking to each other with info a-flowing.

They weren’t joining in with Sir Richard’s Bush-floggers

Their facts came from some people called bloggers.

Right Wing News, Michelle Malkin & Captain’s 1/4’s

Dispensed stories with truth, they weren’t following orders.

The Mudville Gazette and Ace of Spades blog

Had all had enough of this Bush-bashing nob.

It became crystal clear there was a turn in the tide

Mindless drivel was something they wouldn’t abide.

Despite all the help from the alphabet networks

Despite ignorant screams of “killer” and “jerks”

Sir Richard, Patron Saint of Islamic fundies

Was roundly pimp-slapped by infidels in their undies.

History will recall him as a left-wing disgrace

And that is as plain as The Nose On Your Face.

Hundreds of thousands of Mexican-American, Liberal-American, Undocumented-Mexican-American and plain old Mexican-Mexican demonstrators took to the streets over the past several days to protest the United States maddening attempts to protect her borders and enforce her laws.

Seeing as how these individuals want to be a part of American society, we here at TNOYF feel that it is appropriate that their marches be given catchy names so as to garner the appropriate amount of attention from the mainstream media.

And so without further ado, we present our painstakingly researched suggestions:

9. Montezuma’s Other Revenge

8. The “Wee Are Vary Gud Amairikin Sitisuns For Yu” March

7. Mexico Unplugged: The U.S. Tour

6. The “Hey, Why The F*** Haven’t The Sheets On My Hotel Bed Been Changed?” March

5. Extreme Makeover: Aztlan Edition

4. G-o-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-l-l-l-l-!!!!!!!!

3. The March To Disprove The Stereotype That Mexicans Are Lazy

2. Fernando Bueller’s Day Off

1. Million Juan March

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 9″ lists and other organizations “Top 10″ lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 9, theirs have 10. Way different.)

Click here to visit our store for Islamic Rage Boy(C) gear and other great TNOYF Stuff.

Until further notice, all profits are going to the Freedom Alliance Scholarship Fund.

 An Exclusive TNOYF advertisement….

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After a precipitous drop in the polls over the past few weeks, Republican senator John McCain’s floundering campaign was issued the proverbial coupe de grace at a rally in Des Moines on Thursday afternoon with the arrival of disaster harbinger “Heineken Looter Guy.”

“Maybe I was just kidding myself, but I really thought we had a chance at turning this thing around,” said McCain ‘08 spokesman Miles Preston. “I thought Mr. McCain was spot-on with the speech he gave on the Senate floor the other night, and I believed that had put the momentum back in our favor. Apparently I was wrong.”

For his part, Heineken Looter Guy remained equal parts professional and contemplative in his assessment of the situation.

“It certainly is nothing personal against Senator McCain and the lads in his camp. I am actually quite fond of him. However, as a professional disaster awareness consultant, it is my duty to- how do you say?- ‘call ‘em the way I see ‘em’. From a purely factual perspective, this campaign has quickly gone the route of Katrina, Chernobyl, and Hillary Clinton’s military policy. I would be in violation of my code of conduct were I not to make this decision. By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have a bottle opener would you? All of these catastrophes are taking quite the toll on my teeth.”

The recent capture of the top Al Qaeda man in Iraq, Khaled Masshadani, has confirmed what many on the Democratic side of the aisle have been saying for some time: General Petraeus’ vaunted “surge” is not working.

“I don’t know how many ways I can say this, but it’s over; we’ve lost,” said Senator Harry Reid, who took the time to lay down his pitchfork and step out from in front of his farmhouse to speak with our staff. “However, it is highly likely that Mr. Masshadani simply has not received the news that his forces have been routing U.S. troops around the country. That is the only explanation I can think of for his unlikely capture. In all fairness to him, he has been living in sub-standard conditions since the onset of this ill-advised war.”

Reid continued.

“I think it’s sort of gallant, in a Shakespearean manner, the way that our armed forces continue to kill the insurgents, take over previously hostile territories, help train the Iraqi security forces, and build bridges with the local populace, but let’s not these items obscure the fact that overall, the surge is an abysmal failure.”

As the shock spreads over the story of a Reno, Nevada couple so hopelessly addicted to a Dungeons and Dragons video game that they nearly starved their two children to death, new horror emerged tonight when it was learned the family cat was reduced to urinating on the baby’s head instead of being provided with proper feline facilities.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has demanded an immediate investigation, releasing a statement that chastized the mass media for a “dull, myopic focus on child starvation when a cat is enduring the unfathomable humiliation of baring its private parts to an infant Neanderthal.”

 ”Frankly, I don’t care how close Mr. and Mrs. Straw were to becoming level nine Druid warriors, they still had a responsibility to provide an animal with a clean, appropriate lavatory that meets FDA Animal-Code standards,” said PETA spokeswoman Autumn Delia. “One of Mother Earth’s precious creatures was placed in their charge and this is the treatment he received? Besides, when I think about the bacteria that run rampant on a human youngling’s head…yecch! Just…just…yecchh!!”

 In related news, authorities announced that the internet-obsessed couple would receive treatment as part of a sodomy-obsessed support group in prison.

Potfry was on BBC Radio last night with Ibrahim Hooper from CAIR, discussing Islamic Rage Boy.

For those of you who don’t know Islamic Rage Boy, his history at TNOYF can be found here.

The BBC Radio page, and audio of the debate, is here.

Islamic Rage Boy’s advice column, stories, and hit records can be found here.

Audio below:
Download the mp3 here.

TNOYF is extending the Freedom Alliance Scholarship Fund promotion indefinitely.  All profits generated at the TNOYF store will go to this great cause.  So, buy an Islamic Rage Boy T-Shirt,  A “Liberalism: Logic’s Retarded Cousin” mug,  or a great Nancy Pelosi t-shirt. 

Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank announced yesterday that he was so inspired by the story and photos of two American brothers gored during the Running of The Bulls in Pamplona, Spain yesterday that he plans to participate next year.

“I thought this whole event was simply a testosterone-laden macho spectacle,” said Frank, “but clearly, there’s…uh…more going on here.  Something deeper, more penetrating.  I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I believe by experiencing the event first hand, I’ll be better able to articulate it.”

A spokesman for a leading bull rights group was less enthused about the American politician’s decision.

“Let’s just say we’re a bit skeptical about Congressman Frank’s true intentions,” said Bulls Without Borders legal representative Toro “El Toro” Torowitz. “If he’s there to truly experience the majesty of the event, fine.  But if, perhaps, we find the Congressman starting at the finish line and running backwards with his pants around his ankles screaming ‘Here, bully, bully, bully,’ we’ll have a restraining order slapped on him faster than he can say ‘Ole.’”

Frank rejected the insinuation that he would participate for anything less than noble intentions.

“The celebration of tranquility in the face of danger is what The Running of The Bulls is all about,” said Frank.  “That there are legions of sweaty men in nappy red scarves running from angry uncastrated bovines simply adds texture.”