Dear Islamic Rage Boy,

I am a faithful Wahhabist living in the satanic pit of America and have recently found it necessary to burn my wife at the stake for her insolence. My problem is threefold. First, the cost of gasoline has risen to such a price that it almost makes me question my sentence of a “painful, fiery death.” Second, every time I secure her to the woodpile, these pain-in-the-ass environmentalist groups keep protesting me. Apparently the kindling I chose comes from a tree that is home to some endangered bird. Mark my words, when the land of the Great Satan finally becomes an Islamic state, the cursed spotted owl will be first in line to feel the cold steel of my sword. Third, clearly I want my children to be a part of this important event, but I am concerned about the effects on their self-esteem. Would you recommend they stand right next to me while I engulf their mother in flames, or would it be preferable to film it and show them the video at a later date? Any wisdom you can impart would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Pyrotechnically-challenged in Peoria

Dear Pyrotechnically-challenged,

Whoa. Slow down my friend. You have asked me many questions, but you have left out a great deal of critical information. First of all, I cannot be sure that death by fire is the proper response to your wife’s infraction. Perhaps the situation merely calls for a severe beating of the uvula or a vigorous genital caning. Please be more specific next time.

However, for the sake of argument we must err on the side of severity. Let’s just say that your wife exposed her left temple while in public and thus is deserving of a flame-laden, blistering death. As Muhammad al bin Farou noted in his seminal piece on the topic, There Must Be 50 Ways To Sautee Your Lover, “…the cost of the punishment is of no import. What is paramount is that swift, even-handed justice be meted out.”

In other words, even if regular unleaded tops $4.00 a gallon you are obliged to pay this price. The monetary inconvenience to you is insignificant in the face of the wrong you are righting.

Good luck and please let me know how it turns out.

Although he is not a licensed therapist, Islamic Rage Boy is a clinical jihadist with expertise in a wide array of areas including: floral arrangements, etiquette, English grammar, homeopathy, animal grooming, and the making of hit records.

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