Despite claims that a monster pig shot in Alabama bears a striking resemblance to “The View” host Rosie O’Donnell, both ABC and O’Donnell representatives deny that the enormous swine is the controversial star. ABC’s abrupt announcement on Friday, however, that O’Donnell would be immediately leaving “The View” only lent strength to the rumors that she may indeed have been bagged by 11 year-old Jamison Stone while on a hastily scheduled “foraging retreat” in Alabama.

“Rosie does like foraging as a stress-reliever,” said her spokesperson, Amelda Johnson, “but she stopped going to Alabama several years ago after she discovered it was a favorite foraging haven of Starr Jones.”

Scientists from the Center for Disease Control are announcing that they have pinpointed the genesis of the dreaded Avian Flu’s initial transmission to humans, a discovery that may well lead to a future cure.

The revelation occurred when Dr. Martin Samuels, a leading bird flu researcher, was enjoying an adult film starring legendary porn actor Ron Jeremy.

“I had a tough day at the office and wanted to relax a little,” said Samuels. “And I’ve always been a big fan of Mr. Jeremy’s work. But as soon as the movie began, I had a sneaking suspicion that it had some sort of connection to the pandemic.”

The film, To Drill A Mockingbird, featured Jeremy in a host of compromising situations with various members of the bird family; behavior that Samuels says could have caused the disease to be transmitted to humans.

“I don’t know why it never occurred to me,” he continued. “But it was right there as plain as day. When that gorgeous red-breasted sparrow started giving beak to Jeremy in the back room of the petshop he was patronizing, I had the distinct notion that something was not quite right.”

North American Man-Bird Love Association President James “Tweety” Dillenbeck, has a different view on the situation.

“First of all, there is nothing more beautiful or more natural than the love between a man and his finely-feathered companion,” said Dillenbeck. “When people such as Dr. Samuels make these statements, it only serves to perpetuate avianist stereotypes.”

NAMBLA has been criticized by many as a fringe organization for their unapologetically pro-man-bird relations stance. However, Dillenbeck remains resolute.

“We are the original NAMBLA,” he said. “Things were fine until those sickos who enjoy the company of young boys came around and co-opted our good name. I just want to go on the record as saying that at no time do we condone sex between men and hatchlings. Ever. This is a phenomenal betrayal of trust. As we like to say at NAMBLA, ‘if there aren’t feathers on the field, you can’t play ball’.”

Four town employees with 46 years of service and fourteen alleged lesbian experiences between them have been fired, in part for gossiping and discussing rumors of an improper relationship between the town administrator and another employee. The other part of the reason for their firing is unclear, but evidently involves a car battery, some unidentified bodily fluids, and one of the women’s cats.

Many residents in the town, most of whom are suspected of massive in-breeding that has resulted in an abundance of shuffling, hump-backed children, now believe that the rumors are not true.

The administrator, who purportedly once had a gambling problem that ended his marriage to his first cousin, complained, and after an investigation the town council fired the women, finding, “Gossip, whispering, and an unfriendly environment are causing poor morale and interfering with the efficient performance of town business.” They also inadvertently found that the women collectively weighed the same as a Sri Lankan grey elephant.

“When I was given my termination papers, I just looked at the gentlemen that were present in the room, two of whom I’m sure are gay lovers, and I said, ‘You’ve got to be kidding!’” said fired worker Sandy Piper, who insisted her comments weren’t out of line, and that she does not fashion miniature gargoyles out of her own feces. “We discussed it on a lunch break, and then it ended.”

“It kind of sort of was, ‘Oh did you hear that too,’” said Michelle Bonsteel, Piper’s fired co-worker who is, according to most reliable reports, still saving herself for Jeff Archer, who moved out of town in 1983 after his collection of monkey pornography was discovered by his Uncle Lester.

The ACLU is considering a push for new legislation that would drastically alter the definition of rape based on the precedent that may be set by a new immigration bill currently before Congress.

“It seems that Congress is saying that once you’ve achieved entrance to a specific area, you can stay,” said ACLU lawyer Ken Harvey. “Why wouldn’t the same concept apply for the individual who successfully achieves unauthorized coital relations? We simply want the same rights that are extended to undocumented aliens to be extended to… undocumented fornicators.”

The new legislation would grant amnesty to thousands of jailed rapists, but also provides for beefed up “border patrols” by encouraging women to wear extra undergarments in an effort to thwart the would-be unlicensed lover.

Many women’s rights groups are understandably torn by the ACLU’s stance.

“This puts feminists in quite a predicament,” lamented NOW’s Patty Manderson. “We know that the ACLU is good, and rape is bad; so this just might make my head explode. In fact, I haven’t been this confused since I failed my NOW entrance exam because I kept spelling ‘women’ with an ‘e’.”

“I think,” she continued, “I’ll just wait to read tomorrow’s New York Times editorial to be able to determine how I really feel.”

In spite of the fact that the new immigration bill has been moved off of the fast-track as it meanders its way through Congress, other special interest groups have seized the moment to press their respective cases.

Foremost among these is the Jersey City-based organization Homebound Italian-American Males for Justice which, according to their charter, ”advocates for the rights of our members to live at home with their parents until death, (God forbid) or the settlement from the insurance company over that car accident, do they part.”

“It’s very simple,” said HIAMJ spokesman Anthony “The Trix Rabbit” DeCavalcante. “If those Mexican peishaleeks are gonna get special treatment, then so should real Americans. We are merely asking for what is coming to us. As the original hyphenated Americans, we feel that we deserve better. The IROC-Z Visa that we are proposing is a great start.”

The IROC-Z Visa would provide the following for its holder:

• Forgiveness for back rent owed.
• Clothes washed and folded on a regular basis.
• No busting balls about getting a “real job.” Enough already.
• In the event that the visa-holder decides to get married, he will receive assurances that his new wife’s gravy will be thick, delicious, and a little bit tangy; just like mama’s.
• Amnesty for any ass-kickings delivered prior to the issuance of said visa.

In a related story, Senate members have been pushing for a ZZZZZ-Visa which would serve to severely limit the time that Senator Robert Byrd is allowed to speak on the floor.

In a fascinating historical twist, new evidence has come to light that would appear to prove many of the so-called “conspiracy theorists” correct; the Kennedy murder case from the 1960s did in fact involve more than one killer. 

“I have said all along that there was a second, and possibly even a third, individual involved,” said long-time Kennedy family friend, Samuel P. Thurston. “And that Senator Kennedy has been made a scapegoat by others with sinister motives. I am glad that the new photographic evidence bears this out.”

The “evidence” to which Thurston refers has been called into question by many on the right.

“It’s an obviously photoshopped picture of a young, supposedly innocent Ted Kennedy driving on Chappaquiddick while George Bush rides shotgun and Karl Rove urges him on from the backseat,” said one GOP spokesman. “They didn’t even bother to use old pictures of Mr. Rove and President Bush! Why am I even answering these questions? Did Dan Rather send you?”  

Democratic officials see it differently.

“Who are you going to believe- a well-respected thirty-eight term senator from the most storied political family in the history of this nation, or a lying, cheating Jesus-freak with eight sessions of summer school to his credit?” asked Kennedy spokesman Marguerite Riordan. “Besides, have you heard the audio? Well I have. On the tape you can clearly hear George Bush’s voice yelling, ‘Slow it down Tedd-wardo! You’re liable to clear the channel at this rate of speed, and this drunk chick here ain’t gonna just drown herself!’ If that isn’t seeking to cause harm with malicious intent, I don’t know what is. Ted was just a boy at the time. Just a boy.”

After years of providing happiness to romantics the world over by “officially” naming stars for them, the International Star Registry (ISR) has decided to expand its naming services to include trees, shrubs, and rocks.

ISR has built a huge business by charging $50-$100 for “new” star names. They then publish a book with those star names entitled “Your Place in the Cosmos”. People who buy star names also receive a certificate declaring the “official” name of the star.

“From celebrities to average folk, the lure of being able to name a planetary body after a loved one has proven to be powerful,” said Vice President of Marketing Joe Smith. “So we looked around for other things we could charge people to name. Is this a great country or what?”

According to ISR, research indicated that there was an un-met need among consumers who wanted to name something for a loved one, but felt that they didn’t warrant a star.

“I remember sitting in the backroom of these focus groups,” chuckled Smith, “and hearing this woman say, ‘My husband isn’t a star. He’s just a stumpy little putz,’ and it came to me. Name a shrub after him!”

As with the star registry, several books will be published to officially signify these new namings:

Your Place in Your Neighbor’s Landscaping
Your Place in the Woods
Your Place on the Cold Damp Ground

The idea, launched in test market in St. Louis, was wildly successful, although some of the kinks need to be worked out of the system.

“Some folks went in search of their specific rock, tree or shrub,” explained Smith. “And it created some problems. One guy chained himself to the tree he named after his dead wife, and it happened to be right on someone’s front lawn. It got a little touchy there for a bit.”

ISR will promote its rock, tree and shrub service to existing customers first, said Smith.

“We’re going to extend them an exclusive offer for being such wonderful, loyal customers,” he explained. “with an incentive, of course. We’ll explain to them that their star was sadly sucked into a black hole, but that we have this new offer. There will be a special “Rock-Shrub-Tree” Package Deal for only $99.95.”

The new expanded service will necessitate a re-naming of the company to International Inanimate Object Registry (IIOR).

Some of the details of hotel heiress Paris Hilton’s reduced jail sentence have recently come to light, and many people are now questioning the decision by jail official’s to reduce her original sentence of forty-five days to just twenty-three. A spokesman for the Century Regional Detention Facility cited ”good behavior” and “cooperation above and beyond the ordinary” as prime factors in their decision.

“Ms. Hilton has demonstrated exemplary behavior for a celebrity, and I feel that reducing her time by 50% shows our appreciation for that fact,” said Captain Dylan Stonewood. “Case in point, she only refers to my staff as ‘You… boy’, ‘Lackey‘ or ‘Peasant‘. Never ‘Jimmy F***-face’, or ‘Blue Breasted C*** Smuggler’ like that heathen Gary Busey always does when he’s here. I do not care for that man.”

Beyond her clear respect for authority, Stonewood went on to explain how Hilton has proved helpful in both practical and financial matters at the jail. 

“We have a well-documented problem with overcrowding in California. Ms. Hilton has graciously offered to help alleviate this concern by letting us store some of our prisoners in her private area.  This means that we can now use the more secure D-block for very violent offenders,  while we can put the lower-risk individuals in Ms. Hilton’s newly renovated V-block.”  

Stonewood warned that while the extra space is welcome, it is not a panacea.

“At the risk of sounding ungrateful, this is not a cure-all. First off, we are going to have spend a good deal of money to reduce the echo. Second, the offer does come with strings attached. Fortunately, we only expect these to be present for maybe six or seven days a month. Furthermore, at best we can fit forty prisoners in there. It helps, but we are still probably two Lohan’s, a Madonna, and Barney Frank’s rectum away from totally fixing this problem.”

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Political analysts are saying today that among a crowded field of candidates at last night’s Republican presidential debate in South Carolina, two unlikely front-runners came to the fore.

“Mitt Romney was strong and responded to his conflicting positions on abortion quite ably,” said Dick Morris. “And Governor Giuliani played to his strength which is his tenacity on the War On Terror. However, Thompson’s ears scored huge points from the first wide-angle screen shot of the night and they never looked back.”

Morris continued.

“The first word that came to mind when I looked at Thompson’s auditory appendages was ‘gravitas’. His have it, the other candidates simply do not. They are the sort of ears that fairly cry out ‘Been there. Heard that. Bought the XXXL earmuffs.‘ Very presidential. Very strong. My polls show that women over fifty, and suburban Rhode Island residents in particular are very comfortable with these ears making decisions that will affect their lives for the next four years.”

Although it is unusual for body parts to take center stage in a political campaign, it does occur but with differing effects depending on the person, part, and moment in time.

“Historians agree that more than anything, Abraham Lincoln’s prominent temple carried him to the presidency,” said Morris. “But to be fair, in his era the temple was much more highly regarded. By the same token, Howard Dean’s presidential hopes were dashed by his overly exposed uvula during his now infamous ‘We’ll go to Arizona, and Washington‘ speech in ‘04.” 

Morris went on to say that the race is now Thompson’s to lose.

“Barring some sort of industrial accident or ear reduction surgery, you are looking at the Republican candidate for president. Politics being what it is, you can bet that the other candidates will do their best to imitate Thompson’s success. However, a set of Spock ears, no matter how convincing, is no substitute for the real thing.”   

Scales Elementary School in Murfreesboro, Tennessee took their annual field trip to Falls Creek Falls last week and as per tradition, school officials pulled a prank on the assembled students. This year’s practical joke involved the lead teacher informing students that several gunmen were on the loose in the campground, and then ordering them to hide underneath tables for cover.

Shortly afterward, the teachers let the stunned sixth graders in on the joke.

“You should have seen the looks on their pathetic little faces when they thought that there were really guys armed with rifles shooting haphazardly throughout the campground,” said home economics teacher Bea Didrickson. “It’s amazing. When they think their life is in danger, sixth grade boys sound an awful lot like first grade girls. ‘Aahh! Get down everybody! They’re going to kill us!’ What a bunch of pansies.”

School administrators have proclaimed this year’s prank a huge success and say that it will be hard to top.

“On a scale of one to ten, I’d give this a nine and a half,” said Assistant Principal George Brady. “This is right up there with the year we informed the kids that the tater tots they had just eaten were laced with the AIDS virus, and that the only cure was to gargle with a mixture of red hot sauce and Clorox. Priceless. Or the time in 2002 when we had some local convenience store clerks pose as terrorists and hold the students hostage at gunpoint. The stupid kids couldn’t even tell an Indian accent from a Saudi Arabian one. What’s more, the ‘guns’ they had weren’t even loaded! Classic, just classic.”

School officials are already busy planning next year’s practical joke excursion. Although they were hesitant to give details, our sources tell us they are leaning towards going with a simulated rape theme.

The recent rash of worldwide adoptions by U.S. celebrities has placed an inordinate amount of pressure on the world’s orphans to get cleaned up in advance of announced baby-hunting excursions by American stars. These international baby drives have even spawned a cottage industry of adoption-service businesses. Many of these promise to turn grimy, malnourished beggars into neatly-coiffed cherubs in 48 hours or less; for the right price.

Indeed, as the recent transcontinental child-hunting jaunts of Madonna and Angelina Jolie have gained widespread publicity, reports have come in from across the globe stating that starving orphans are making great efforts to clean up their collective act on the remote chance they will receive a coveted inspection from a potential celebrity parent. 

Interviews conducted by TNOYF with strays revealed that rumor and speculation are rife.

“We do know that having flies around your face is the first no-no,” said one orphan in Mexico City, who remains nameless as she is too impoverished to afford one. “We’ve heard those stories. Madonna was all over Pedro from Barrio East until a big, fat fly flew right out of his nostril. She dropped that little glue-huffing thief like a hot tamale, I tell you.”

Entrepreneurs in many Third World countries have seized the opportunity to not only help orphans get themselves cleaned up, but also to provide them with the latest information regarding celebrity adoption trends.

“We monitor celebrity news very closely,” said Vishnu Fortando, owner of ‘Maggot-Free Makeover’ in New Delhi, India. “We watch closely the types of orphans that these celebrities select, and then try to bring that look to life on our clients. There are some very clear selection trends that you can see with some people, like Madonna. However, the Pitt’s are maddening to track. Black? White? Indian? It’s an utter crap shoot. I’ll tell you one thing though, this isn’t the old days when Sally Struthers could move a village full of loincloth-sporting, fly-laden native tots with distended bellies in a ten minute infomercial. Today’s celebrity adopter is a bit more savvy and a lot more discriminating in taste. ” 

Fortando did say there was little interest in being adopted by Rosie O’Donnell.

“Word spreads quickly on the street,” he said. “And everyone knows an O’Donnell adoption is a short ride to that woman’s belly. The meatier orphans lumber away as quickly as they are able when they hear show-tunes being sung in her imitable style. These kids are human beings, not some sort of Third World buffet.”

The news that Jolie and Pitt plan to adopt companion children for their African and Asian brood created renewed hope on those continents where hope is in short supply.

“We’ve had a lot of clients in for our ‘refresher delousing’ special,” said Moussa Brahim of Chad, whose service promises to have orphans ‘looking like Gary Coleman in a week’.