Faced with the difficult prospect of not being black enough to receive endorsements from Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and many other leaders in the African-American community, Senator Barack Obama has decided to take action. Obama has unveiled a detailed plan that, some experts feel, will boost his street cred by a minimum of 125 percentage points and thus increase his chances of becoming this nation’s second ever black president.

“I am very pleased to see that Senator Obama is addressing his black deficiencies,” said Jackson. “The esteemed group of advisors that he has in place are more than qualified to assist him in getting in touch with his African-American roots.”

A study that Obama recently commissioned (conducted by notable black experts including rapper Snoop Dogg, singing legend Ike Turner, and Crips member Dontrell “Dookie Bear” Williams) has produced some fascinating and specific suggestions to improve his electability in the black community. 

The recommendations of the commission include:

• Lose the Volvo. A Volvo?!? A black man driving a Volvo?!?! Man, you might as well get “I love Dick Van Dyke” tatooed on your face. Are you out your damn mind?
• Demonstrate pimp-hand strength. Pick a trick at random. Rattle that melon. Rinse. Repeat.
• Punk down John Edwards during a nationally televised debate.
• Talk about the time you spent in “juvey.”
• Demand integration. Proceed to form exclusively black clubs, colleges, and organizations.
• Subtle language changes. When speaking about President Bush, change the wording from “this administration” to “them mother-f***ers right there.” 
• Threaten to “rip that damn weave” off of Hillary’s head.
• Downplay your voting record; play up your criminal record.
• More attitude. Tilt your hat sideways. Pull pants down to your knees exposing your boxer shorts, butt-crack, and lower sigmoid colon. Demand to be referred to as “Spoonie B.”

Jackson went on to say that Obama’s gains may be hard to detect via polls in the black community.

“We really try to discourage reading and other forms of fancy white man’s learning,” said Jackson. “In my experience I have found that asking black folks for their own opinion just clouds the issue. I have graciously offered to lend my own viewpoints instead.”    

Much is being made of the voice mail I recently left for my ingrate daughter, and I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.

First off, I’m Alec Baldwin. Say it again slowly, dolt. That’s right. Alec. Freakin’. Baldwin. You may think you can fathom what it’s like being me, but unless you are an extra-terrestrial being with infinite cerebral capacity (who also happens to be named Baldwin), you can’t. You can try to coax your feeble mind into grasping the number of responsibilities I have, but then you’d have to multiply that number by 100. Then go watch “The Hunt For Red October”, and you’ll realize that you should multiply it by 100 again. Maybe even a third time.

It really doesn’t matter, because whatever result you come up with is microscopic when compared with the true burden of Baldwinity. In fact, right now scientists are struggling to come up with some metric to quantify the weight of my existential responsibility. They have so far failed, and several of their heads have exploded in the process.

But back to the matter at hand. About 11 or 12 years ago (really, am I supposed to know precisely how old the little $#$*&@! is?), my sperm tragically merged with the ovum of one Kim Basinger. What’s most peculiar about the incident is that historically speaking, my sperm do not merge; they overpower, strangle, and eat ovum. This process is not unlike a school of piranha devouring an injured hippo calf. Once fed, they then proceed to clog the host-wench’s ovaries with such a massive amount of pure, uncut Baldwin DNA that massive organ failure results.

Yet, a child was born and we named her “Ireland.” Not after the country, but rather because I was so filled with ire at the temporary weakness exhibited by my heretofore omnipotent man-seed. You can be sure my testes were given a good talking to after this lapse, and there have been no repeat performances to date.

So, I’ve allowed this overgrown zygote called Ireland to draw breath (thus depriving true Baldwin’s of precious oxygen) by my estimates for some 9-14 years now. Some nights, while I hover over my bed pondering the limits of my human life form, I wonder if I should reclaim my missing DNA by eating my ill-begotten spawn, thus extending my own life and increasing the likelihood that a sequel to “The Marrying Man” can be made. I know that my friend and fellow political pundit Rosie O’Donnell has eaten several of her adopted children and claims that the experience was invigorating. And they weren’t even flavored with the special Baldwin all-spice.

So, with all of this as a back story, I think you can understand the reaction I had when this accident called Ireland failed to answer my call. Trust me, it will all be straightened out. From now on Ireland will not miss my calls because I am going to personally outfit her ears with the necessary wiring via some needle-nose pliers and just a pinch of the Baldwin magic.

Thank you.

Alec Baldwin

Senate majority leader Harry Reid is calling for the United States to leave the United States by October 31st 2007, saying that country has inflicted “incalculable amounts of suffering” upon not only the rest of the world, but also it’s own people.

“The evidence is clear,” said Reid. “Since America has been at the route of the rest of the world’s problems, doesn’t it naturally follow that we are the cause of our own ills as well? I think we need to get our own house in order and the best way to do that is to separate us from ourselves in a timely manner.”

Democrats were vague as to where the more than 300 million Americans would be relocated to, but some sources expected that 2/3 would likely return to their native Mexico to “wait and see if the new northern occupants are open to diversity.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi offered a unique proposal for the remaining U.S. citizens.

“Some will go to the poles to repair the ice shelves,” said Pelosi. “Others will be fitted with leaves, bark, and howler monkeys and be sent to the rainforests of South America to replace the trees that have been so callously destroyed by the U.S.’s ravenous appetite for paper products. And finally, the remaining citizens will be sent to France and the Palestinian territory to receive immersion training in enculturation and tolerance.”

Plans for the former United States are still unclear, but Reid said that they will likely involve “a right of return for Native Americans and mastodons.”

A particularly virulent strain of the e-crowli virus caused many in attendance at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner to fall ill this past weekend. One attendee reported that the evening was going along well until he made the fateful decision to pose for a photograph with rocker and Charmin activist Sheryl Crow.

“I was pretty excited to have my picture taken with her,” said Cat Fancy’s David Lindsay. “I’m a huge fan. You know… ‘I’m leaving Las Vegas yeah!!’. Huge fan. So I stand behind her and I’m trying to snug up as close as I can get. It’s Sheryl Crow for Christ’s sake. The first thing I notice is the smell. I work with cats so I’m not easily put off, but there was a banch in the air that would choke Courtney Love. Long story short, my hand accidentally brushes against her backside, I don’t think much of it and I go eat my dinner. By the time I got home I was puking like a supermodel after a five course meal.”

Doctors say that while e-crowli is not fatal, it can be quite unpleasant. Other symptoms of e-crowli include:

• a general feeling of douchebaggery that is not more readily attributable to a case of Laurie David’s Disease
• darkening underneath the fingernail beds
• refusal by even your closest friends to stand downwind of you
• a general feeling that you are smarter, more aware, and generally awesomer than others that is not more easily attributable to a case of Penn’s Syndrome

If you think that you may have contracted e-crowli, be sure to contact your agent or publicist as soon as possible.  

The student government at Virginia Tech is asking the hundreds of reporters who have spent the last week camped out on their campus in the wake of the horrific school shootings, to leave by Monday morning; the day students are set to resume classes. This request has elicited a strong response from those in the media.

“Leave? I don’t think so,” said firmly secured Fox news anchor Greta Van Sustern. “Why on Earth would we go when there are still so many stories that have been left untold? For example, for tonight’s ‘On the Record’, I am going to be interviewing one of the custodians who works the overnight shift at a Blacksburg area McDonalds. This incredible man once swept up a straw wrapper and some french fries that belonged to one of the victim’s friend’s intramural ultimate frisbee teammates. The public has a right to hear this heart-wrenching tale from a man who was clearly touched by this tragedy. To paraphrase President Bush, the media setting a timetable for withdrawal would prove disastrous.”

Van Sustern’s Fox news colleague Bill O’Reilly concurs.

“With all due respect to these students, they are not taking a fair and balanced approach to the media with regard to this shooting,” opined O’Reilly. “We need to put this stuff out there so that the American people can see for themselves what is going on, just like when we sent ‘The Factor’ cameras on Spring Break. We took no joy in airing extensive video of drunken, nubile college women prancing around in skimpy outfits while making out with each other, and I took no pleasure in editing that same video for hours on end in the privacy of my basement. Were people upset? Some, but I was prepared to take the ratings hit that went with that decision. I care about the folks that much. You see?”

The View’s Rosie O’Donnell offered her own unique take on the situation when she noted, “Grrr! Guns make Rosie angry!!!”

9. 50% of all proceeds go to support our Internet porn habit.

8. If you do, we may be able to talk Stacy into modeling some of our other products. If you think she looks great in that t-shirt, you should see her in an official TNOYF coffee mug.

7. There is not a single shred of evidence that any of our t-shirts cause gout (Editor’s note: However, our Islamic Rage Boy bumper stickers have been linked to sudden, violent deaths.)

6. Each of our t-shirts has been officially certified as “racist” by Reverend Al Sharpton.

5. S

4. T

3. A

2. C

1. Y

Click Here To Visit TNOYF’s Online Store.

Click here to visit our good friend Stacy at her excellent blog, “Still Stacy.”

Florida based attorney Jack Thompson has gained a certain degree of notoriety over the years for his aggressive stance against violence in the video game industry. Thompson maintains that violent video games are often used as “murder simulators” to prepare young people for attacks such as Columbine and most recently, the Virginia Tech tragedy.

Thompson has taken this same line of reasoning and adapted it slightly for his most recent undertaking; a class action lawsuit against Namco Games for what he calls “callous disregard for our most vulnerable citizens.”

Thompson alleges that the game Pac Man, developed in Japan in 1979 and introduced in the U.S. shortly after, encouraged American teenagers to take hits of “yellow blotter” in record amounts during that era.

“Do I really need to spell it out?” asked Thompson. “It’s right there as plain as day. Pac Man opens his mouth and runs around eating tiny yellow dots. What happens next? He gets super-strength and attains the ability to eat ghosts. He doesn’t even have legs or a face for Christ’s sake! Plus he’s trippier looking than Christopher Walken in drag.”

Thomspon further bolstered his case by citing numerous police reports from that time peiod.

“When law enforcement officials took a person who was high on LSD into custody, do you know what the most common statement given was?” asked Thompson. “Wocka, wocka, wocka. That’s right. Wocka. Wocka. Wocka. Unless you are going to try and convince me that Fozzie Bear was a Deadhead, that only leaves one cuplrit.”   

Thompson was noncommittal when asked about future lawsuits, but did say he may go after the makers of Tetris on behalf of players “who cannot sleep at night without multi-colored geometric shapes constantly rotating in their minds.”  

God Our Father issued a strongly worded proclamation earlier today that marks a clear change in Heaven’s “exceptional children” policy. In his statement, He refuted the previously held belief that all kids are special.

“I’m not quite sure when all of this ‘every child is special’ crap got started,” said a visibly weary Lord Almighty. “Although if I had to guess I’d say the late ’60s. You pump enough LSD and Grateful Dead into your system, you’ll come up with some pretty gay stuff. F***ing hippies.”

God went on to cite specific examples to bolster his case.

“It simply isn’t true. The fact is, some kids are downright ordinary, while others still are blithering idiots. Take Richie Santos. Nice enough kid, but he eats his own boogers, constantly jams stuff into electrical outlets just so he can get shocked, and can’t spell worth a Me damn. Is that special? Maybe in the slap-a-helmet-and-bib-on-him sort of way.

Or Penny Dillenbeck. Let’s take a look at her claim to specialness. Her resume includes a solid “D” average, inappropriate eye contact in social settings, and a love for thimbles. Terrific. I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict a future full of cats and microwave dinners.

Then there’s Tanner Hanrahan. This creepy little s.o.b. waits until everyone in his house is asleep, covers himself with his sister’s ‘Bratz’ dolls, and then masturbates to reruns of ‘Little House on the Prairie’. What Tanner should do is have someone videotape his escapades. At least then he can claim it as art and apply for a federal grant. How about showing a little initiative Tanner? Make the Ingalls’ proud.”

The Almighty went on to say that he plans to address the “All Dogs Go To Heaven” myth in the near future.

Richard Gere has been taking a good deal of heat both literally and figuratively for his behavior at an AIDS awareness rally in India this past Sunday. The “Pretty Woman” star offended many in this famously reserved country when he swept Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty backwards and kissed her repeatedly on both cheeks at the New Delhi event.

Many were incensed that Gere displayed a lack of respect for the modesty and honor of Indian women and they let their feelings be known at a protest that occurred the following day when they chanted anti-American slogans and burned both Gere and his significant other in effigy.

For his part Gere was equal parts contrite and irritated.

“Look, I feel bad that I offended the Indian people,” said Gere. “I sincerely do. That was never my intent. I can see how they would be upset with me. Furthermore, I understand that burning the likenesses of American’s in this part of the world is both a time-honored tradition and a therapeutic release of anger. I get that. However, it should be about me and me alone. When they burned that cutout of Mr. Cinnamon Whiskers, they took it too far.”

Gere went on to say that he is not looking for an apology, and just wants to put the whole incident behind him.

Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy and a number of his colleagues have come under fire for their behavior during the recent Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Judge Samuel Alito. Insiders tell us that some of Senator Kennedy’s statements were so over the top that at one point, Mrs. Alito burst into tears.

This caused us to wonder, what manner of comment is so strong, so offensive that it would drive someone to tears?

In Senator Kennedy’s case we believe the following statements could do just that:   

9. “NBC news is reporting tonight that there has been a major spill at the Dewar’s bottling plant.”

8. “I have some unbelievable news dear! Splash has developed the ability to speak! Now he can talk to us about all of those adventures you two have gone on. Isn’t this wonderful?”

7. “Senator, I know that you don’t normally take visitors this late in the evening, but there are several associates of Judge Alito here and they are quite enthusiastic about speaking with you.”

6. “A four-way? Yeah, keep dreaming ‘little’ brother. Bobby, Jack you fellas ready to go?”- Marilyn Monroe

5. “And in other news, Massachusetts has passed a law making it a dry state.”

4. “Honey, remember how concerned you were about the horrendous treatment minorities were receivng after Katrina? Well, I’ve invited a few hundred real live negro families to stay with us for awhile. You know, just til they get on their feet. Isn’t that wonderful?”   

3. “I’m sorry Mr. Kennedy, but this particular strain is resistant to pennicillin.”

2. “Last call!”

1. “Senator, there’s a woman claiming to be the ghost of a Mary Jo something or other here to see you.”

Inspired by the recent attempt to have legendary rock singer Jim Morrison pardoned for exposing himself during a 1969 concert in Florida, fans of Senator Ted Kennedy are now making similar efforts on his behalf. A group calling itself “Justice For Teddy’s Junk” has been lobbying governors of 48 states in an effort to gain a series of cross-continental pardons for the Massachusetts senator.

Kennedy’s private areas gained a certain degree of notoriety during scotch fueled binges on the Washington DC happy hour circuit in the early 1960’s when he began regularly exposing himself to often disinterested female onlookers. This began a run that spanned nearly thirty years and an entire nation before coming to an end in 1988 when the senator’s ever-expanding bulk finally eclipsed his modest genitalia.

“Over the years Senator Kennedy has displayed a penchant for making his private parts public,” said JFTJ founder Nat Henshaw. “We don’t deny that. However, he has done a wealth of good as a public servant for over four decades. We believe that this fact should eclipse the few hundred unfortunate episodes of inebriated exhibitionism.”

When asked for examples of Kennedy’s achievements, Henshaw was somewhat vague listing his legislative longevity and pro-education stances as noteworthy accomplishments. Henshaw went on to laud the Massachusetts senator for his “tireless efforts to make flapping man-breasts acceptable in the often exclusionary world of recreational yachting.”

Editorial-

First of all let me just say that I am a huge believer in the notions of freedom of speech and freedom of expression. When you are the editor of a major on-line publication such as The Nose On Your Face, you sleep a lot more soundly at night knowing that you have these these twin principles to support and guide your difficult work. As a private citizen, I thank God for these freedoms every day.

But it is more than just that. These ideals are two of the pillars of American society and are surely listed among our most valuable exports by the countries we have liberated over the decades.

However, there comes a time when the line between freedom of expression and hate-cartooning is crossed and that time is now.

I am talking of course about the vile cartoon depiction of the great Muhammad. Let’s examine what the barbarian who drew this picture has done.

To start with, he went with the “post-draft-refusal” Muhammad as denoted by the thickness through the face and the absence of a neck. Tell me, when the Post Office was looking for an Elvis stamp did they use the old, obese, dead-on-a-toilet version or the young, handsome, man-in-the-prime-of-his-life one?

Second, the man’s legs were the stuff of legend both for their ability to hold him up while he absorbed incalculable amounts of punishment, and for their nearly godlike musculature and definition. This heathen has drawn Muhammad with Clay Aiken’s legs.

And speaking of Clay Aiken, look at his stance! Is he about to pummel someone into submission or sing show tunes? I do not know.

However, there is one thing I know for sure; once less-tolerant fight fans get wind of this foul caricature of their prophet, wherever you go the chants of “Ali bombaye! Ali bombaye! Ali bombaye!”, will ring out loud and clear.

Radio personality Dom Imus has come under a great deal of fire recently for calling members of the Rutgers women’s basketball team “nappy headed ho’s”. In an effort to smooth things over with the black community, Imus recently appeared on Reverend Al Sharpton’s radio program.

Imus noted that he learned several valuable lessons from his exchange with Sharpton.

“In retrospect it was a big mistake to call these women ‘nappy headed ho’s’ without having even cut one single rap album, ” said a contrite Imus. “I also regret that I neglected to smear any of the team members in human feces prior to my comments, which may drastically reduce the amount of money these women stand to receive in a civil suit later. These are mistakes that I will not make again.”

Despite Imus’s concessions, Sharpton remained highly critical of the controversial shock-jock.

“None of these crackers get it,” said Sharpton. “You can’t just make racist comments about a group of individuals like that and walk away unscathed. White people are always doing that stuff.”

In what some are calling an ill-conceived attempt to alleviate the damage to his image, Imus has had an Aunt Jemima portrait commissioned as a peace offering to Rutgers team members.

“The I-man knows how much those people like their pancakes,” said a spokesman for Imus. “He felt that this would be a nice conciliatory gesture. Much better than the life-sized Godzilla statue holding a driver’s ed manual he sent to that Asian group a few years back.”

Not content to rest after her star-turn as American diplomat extraordinaire, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi returned from Syria and announced that she will immediately begin negotiations that will end the decades-old feud between Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner.

“I don’t understand what all the fuss is about,” said Pelosi. “People said peace would never come to the Mideast, and now, after three days of the Pelosi magic, the Israelis and Syrians are practically spooning each other. So imagine what I can do for a couple of angry cartoon characters.”

Pelosi said she has already engaged in preliminary talks with both parties.

“Mr. Runner told me that he was ready to talk peace with Mr. Coyote, unconditionally,” said the House Speaker. “Well, there might have been some conditions, but who really cares? As I learned in the Mideast, details are the problem. Everybody wants to bicker about history, when what you really need is some good, old-fashioned cultural groveling.”

Pelosi said that Wile E. Coyote had several demands, but did not feel they would slow down progress.

“Mr. Coyote has made three requests that are quite reasonable in my opinion. First, he would like to be compensated to the tune of $3.7 million for defensive fortifications purchased from the ACME Corporation, required to protect the Coyote family from the relentless attacks of The Road Runner. Second, he asks for ‘right of return’ to the Looney Tunes desert for all cartoon coyotes and the Tazmanian Devil. And finally, he wants to kill and eat Mr. Runner.”

Pelosi said that while the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote are still “not quite seeing eye to eye” with regard to Mr. Coyote’s third demand, she does not feel that it will be a deal breaker.

“Mr. Runner needs to get with the program,” she said.

Once she’s finished, the “long-simmering blood feud between penicillin and syphilis” is next on the Speaker’s agenda, according to Pelosi spokesman Mark Filmore.

“Speaker Pelosi feels that, although mildly provoked by it’s bacterial adversary, penicillin’s violent, destructive response has been way out of proportion to the situation. However, we remain confident that she will be able to hammer out a compromise in short order.”

“It was horrid, Mumsy! One minute, we were sipping tea on the starboard side and the next, there were these swarthy, malodorous fellows on deck brandishing harpoons and demanding our surrender! ‘Come with us!’ they grunted. ‘We will go if we can bring our tea!’ I said bravely, quickly realizing that Tehran is notorious for frail chamomile tea. The lead fellow hesitated, so I gave him this look, Mumsy. The one you could never say no to! And it worked! We were quickly on board this rather natty speed boat headed for shore. They taught us this nifty little diddy that went “Allah Akbar, Iran can’t be too far!” and I even got to sit on the driver’s lap and steer!”

H/T to The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler for the picture and creative inspiration

UPDATE:  British Sailor To Star as “The Elf Who Wanted To Be A Dentist” in TV Version Of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer