Barack Obama’s camp was in crisis-management mode this weekend after civil rights leader and former Presidential candidate Jesse Jackson announced he would be voting for Obama.

Speaking to reporters, Obama spokeswoman Harriet Lenker carefully analyzed the text of Jackson’s comment in an effort to dilute its impact.

“I don’t understand why this is news,” she said. “It never really uses the word ‘endorsement.’ He simply says, ‘He has my vote.’ While we’re marginally grateful for this, we fear that Mr. Jackson might be making a rash decision. The field is packed with strong, capable candidates, like Joe Biden, and it would be in Rev. Jackson’s best interest to give them all a good look. Particularly Joe Biden. From Delaware. That’s B-I-D-E-N.”

The mention of Biden was timely because the long-time senator, still recovering from burns sustained when he set himself on fire in an effort to invigorate his fading campaign, had been pulling out all the stops in his attempt to garner Reverend Jackson’ endorsement and with it, broader African-American support. In fact, fresh from the hospital, Biden yesterday took center stage in a lynching recreation that he hoped would demonstrate what he called “my commitment to well-spoken, clean black folk.”

The effort failed, however, when the skin grafts covering Mr. Biden’s burned neck gave way allowing the rope to slip over his head. This caused the senator to fall awkwardly on several local African-American dignitaries who were set to be honored by Mr. Biden with life-sized lawn jockeys crafted in each of their images.

9. Rosie’s burka size is “3-Tent.”

8. After a successful run as Han Solo’s co-pilot in the Star Wars series, Rosie decided to shave most of her body and seriously harshen her voice in an effort to avoid being typecast for future projects.

7. Back in elementary school, the other kids used to call Rosie’s private area “The Gulf of Stankin’.” 

6. (tie) Big Sigmund and The Sea Monsters fan. 

6. (tie) When adopting her children, Rosie was put through the same stringent screening process that was implemented by parents before dropping their kids off at Neverland Ranch for an overnight in the early 1990’s.

5. Elizabeth Hasselback is often outnumbered 3:1 on debates during The View. At other times, Joy Behar and Barbara Walters join in. 

4. Impervious to tranquilizers, the only way to stop a charging Rosie is to curl up in a ball and pretend to be a girl’s high school softball team.

3. Rosie single-handedly caused Burger King to modify their “have it your way” policy when the “special order” on her Whopper included six pancakes, two dozen chicken wings, and the blood of a newborn Republican. 

2. Rosie can eat her bodyweight in stupid.

1. After jumping the shark, Rosie turned back, snapped its neck, and then ate it. 

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 9″ lists and other organizations “Top 10″ lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 9, theirs have 10. Way different.)

In a surprising move today, House Democrats have announced that they are willing to support at least limited funding for troops in Iraq as long as, in the words of Speaker Nancy Pelosi, ”the process is carried out in an appropriate manner.” 

“There is this perception that the Democratic party is weak on defense and will not support our troops,” Pelosi said. “This is not true. We are simply asking that the president go about this in the right way. An emergency war appropriations bill is simply not the right place to request funding for a war. There are plent of acceptable venues for requesting that money. He could have tacked on something to the Hog De-lousing Act or the Bacteria Rights Bill, but for whatever reason he chose not to do so.”

Just in case President Bush missed her not so subtle explanation, Pelosi went on to spell it out for him.

“Whether or not the president likes it, there are standard procedures in place for requesting money in Washington. He can’t just make up the rules as he goes along.” 

Larry Erb, a full-time college student and seasonal lentil vendor, claims that he discovered the face of Al Gore on a potato chip while attending a Dave Matthews concert with his girlfriend, Willow.

“About half way through the show I reached down into my bag of Lays, pulled out a chip, and there he was,” said the University of Vermont intramural ultimate frisbee competitor. “Al-freakin’- Gore! The prophet himself! I was like, WHOA! I shook my head really hard cause I thought I was seeing things, but when I looked back, there he was again, looking at me in that Al Gore way. I think he was looking into my soul, man.”

Erb said that despite the loud music, he had a lengthy conversation with the potato chip, which he said went as follows:

Gore-Chip: “Larry, I’m Al Gore.”

Larry: “No duh, dude! What are you doin’ on my sour cream and onion chip?”

Gore-Chip: “Larry, I need your help. The planet is getting hotter by the minute. Did you see my movie?”

Larry: “Uh, yeah. Fahrenheit 9-11, right?”

Gore-Chip: “No, Larry, that was Michael Moore. He’s…slightly fatter than I am. I know you’re baked out of your mind, but please focus.”

Larry: “HEY WILLOW! CHECK IT OUT! AL GORE IS ON MY CHIP! AND HE TALKS!”

Gore-Chip: “LARRY! SHUSH! You can’t let Willow know about me.”

Larry: “Aw, sorry, dude.”

Gore-Chip: “LARRY, PLEASE. I AM A SERIOUS MAN WITH A SERIOUS MESSAGE.”

Larry: “OK, dude. You’re getting all red in the face and it looks really creepy. Is that sweat? Way gross.”

Gore-Chip: “LARRY! ENOUGH! Listen to me. You know about carbon footprints, right?”

Larry: “Uh-”

Gore-chip: “It doesn’t matter. Larry, we need to not only reduce our carbon footprints, we need to reduce the number of carbon footprints.”

Larry: “I’m not following you, man.”

Gore-Chip: “Shocker. Larry, we have to make sacrifices if we are going to save mother Earth. And by ‘we’, I mean you and your ilk. Would you agree?”

Larry: “True that. That’s why me and Willow have been recycling bong water.”

Gore-Chip: “And clearly skipping showers.”

Larry: “SO RIGHT! How’d you know?”

Gore-Chip: “FOCUS, Larry! I need you to make a sacrifice.”

Larry: “Say the word, Weird Al Potato Chip!”

Gore-Chip: “You need to eliminate Willow’s carbon footprint.”

Larry: “Uh, how do I do that?”

Gore-Chip: “You need to kill her. For Mother Earth.”

Larry: “HUH? Willow? I can’t kill the Will-ster, dude.”

Gore-Chip: “Mother Earth, Larry. The very fate of mankind. And you’re worried about some half-baked sprite who makes pottery?”

Larry: “She’s a ceramic engineer, Mr. Gore. And you are a potato chip. Yum.”

Erb claims that he then ate the potato chip, but sat with TNOYF’s sketch artist to draw the rendering seen here.

The tense standoff between Iran and Britain over the fifteen sailors who were captured by the Iranians last week almost came to a quick conclusion earlier today thanks to the handiwork of noted Middle Eastern funny-man Farouk bin Hasim.

Hasim, the host of the wildly popular “Persian Punk’d”, made his way into a meeting of the Iranian Grand Council this morning sporting a Ronald Reagan mask. The reaction was immediate.

“Oh, but if you could have smelled the collective seat of the Mullah’s robes when they saw him walk in with that Reagan mask on!” said Hasim’s close friend and cameraman Yephik Bashar. “There was a stench in the air more foul than a syphilitic camel sporting Paris Hilton’s undergarments. And the whimpering! ‘A thousand apologies Mr. President Reagan sir!‘ ‘We are so very sorry for the trouble Mr. President Reagan sir!.’ Priceless.”

The religious leaders became aware of the joke shortly after Hasim left and they discovered that their navy was still intact.

The episode will air early next month.

Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton announced earlier today that she will remain in the hunt for the 2008 presidential nomination even though her husband, former president Bill Clinton, has had yet another recurrence of gonorrhea.

“The g-bomb again, huh?” asked one longtime Clinton watcher, who wished to remain anonymous so as to avoid commiting suicide or meeting with an unfortunate accident in the near future, rhetorically. “I think that makes a baker’s dozen. Let’s be perfectly frank here. If she were to back out of a political campaign every time Bill had lesions in his groin area, she’d never be able to seek out office in any of her home states.”

However, at least one Clinton insider did seem a bit surprised by the ex-president’s latest medical concerns.

“Last I knew, he was taking two tablets of penicillin every day with his multivitamin as a preventative measure,” said a woman who asked only to be identified as ‘%’ to avoid unforeseen industrial accidents. “Looks like somebody’s built up quite a resistance.”

An aide for the former president issued a statement on the issue:

“Mr. Clinton is facing this setback with his characteristic bravery and optimism. In fact, he has encouraged his wife to get right back out there on the campaign trail even though this means that she will not be by his side as he faces this difficult time. Actually, ‘encouraged’ probably isn’t a strong enough word, he has shown unbridled enthusiasm over the notion of her continuing in the race. He has gone so far as to demand she redouble or triple her efforts, regardless of the time commitment.”

In a related story, Senator Joe Biden has dropped out of the race citing fund raising concerns as the primary reason. Sources close to Biden say that although money did play a small role in his decision, he was most upset about the prospect of “losing to a black guy, no matter how articulate he may be.”

John Edwards told 60 Minutes tonight that he does not want sympathy votes because his wife Elizabeth has suffered a recurrence of breast cancer.

“Do not vote for us because you feel some sympathy or compassion for us. That would be an enormous mistake,” he said. “The vote for the presidency is far too important for any of those things to influence it.”

“That said,” he continued, “if the sight of my potentially motherless children and my despair-riddled boyish face creates a groundswell of sympathy that demands relief, we will have a responsibility to do something about it. So, I’d like to announce that there will be a new, special donation button on our website, an emotional pressure release valve, if you will, for the outpouring of compassion that will no doubt be created by this awesome blend of charm, tragedy, and great hair.”

Former President Jimmy Carter has stepped forward and offered to mediate the escalating crisis between Iran and Britain over 15 British marines seized by Iran for allegedly entering their territorial waters.

“As everyone knows, I have tremendous hands-on experience in handling a crisis of this nature,” said Carter, who spoke briefly to reporters during a break from building a house for former Guantanamo Bay prisoners. “And I understand the Iranians. The manner in which you negotiate with them is highly dependent on the specifics of the issue. And in this case, where their sovereignty has been violated by tea-loving imperialists, a deft touch is critical.”

Carter said that his people were reaching out to the British government to offer his assistance.

“I’m very much hoping that I get a chance to help,” he said. “I would tell the British that they need to look past the details of who-seized-who and what voltages were used during the interrogations and embrace this as a broader opportunity. An opportunity to take a good look in the mirror and ask themselves what role they played in this. When we signed the Algiers Accords to get our infidels– uh, personnel–released in 1981, many felt I was rewarding the hostage-takers. And I say, no: I was compensating the oppressed. And if that’s what I’m guilty of, I only regret that I didn’t have more to give.”

Carter went on to say that he thinks people will look back on the 1979-1981 incident differently as time passes.

“I think history is already showing us that the Iranians did not seize American hostages as much as they detained illegal foreign occupiers who were using an alleged “embassy” as a front,” said Carter. “In fact, I am launching an effort now to change the history books, so that we no longer refer to that incident as the Iranian Hostage Crisis but as the Iranian Anti-Zionist Uprising.”

And Carter admitted he had a more personal reason to want to visit Tehran.

“I would really like to get back to Iran and apologize for that botched rescue mission I got talked into. I can’t imagine what sort of debris those helicopters left on Iranian soil.”

________________________________________________________

Visit The Nose On Your Face’s online store for great conservative merchandise.

Including a full line of Islamic Rage Boy gear.

The discovery that the famous Saratoga Spa State Park’s “natural mineral water” baths have been diluted with ordinary tap water has been met with outrage by scores of people around the nation. However, it is the bathhouse community itself that is most upset.

“I’m not happy about this, I’ll tell you that,” said San Francisco resident Daniel Pearson, proprietor of ‘Sweaty Dan’s Rinse ‘n’ A Reach Around’. “It’s hard enough trying to combat the stereotypes that go with owning a bathhouse. Like, ‘Ooh, ooh, bathhouses are where all the gays go to have gay sex.’ It’s not like that and frankly, I get tired of having to defend the industry. Now we have to add fraud to the list of… hey… with the camera there… do you work out?”

Other bathhouse owners echo Pearson’s sentiments.

“This is going to bring down more heat on those of us who run clean, honest, heterosexual, bathhouses,” said ‘Hiding Nemo’s Man-On-Man-Emporium’ owner Jake Tilson. “Do I want the feds coming in here running tests on my water? Hell no. Not that I have anything to hide, it just gives the wrong impression about my establishment. My customers come here to take a nice, relaxing bath, strike up a conversation with other muscular, tattoed fellas, and maybe listen to the soundtrack from Cats!. Why is that so wrong?”

Others feel that the name “Saratoga Springs” is misleading and constitutes fraud on the part of the spa.

In a related story, a class-action lawsuit has been filed against Lay’s potato chips. The suit maintains that the fast-food giant has “deliberately misled customers into believing that eating their product will actually increase their chances of ‘hooking up’.”  

Faced with the difficult prospect of mortality and injury rates for American soldiers dropping to the lowest levels since the onset of the Iraq War, The New York Times has revealed a bold new plan for measuring military casualties in that conflict. The Times has departed from the traditional school of thought and has moved, in their words, towards a “more streamlined and progressive manner of measuring war-related incidents.”

“The decline in the number of dead and wounded soldiers is a bit misleading,” said Times spokesman Alison Beckworth. “Historically, casualties have been counted by looking at the actual number of soldiers killed or wounded while in a particular theater of operations. As we now know, many things that are seemingly unrelated are in fact interconnected. The archaic system we now use, developed during the early days of the Roman Empire, is simply not relevant in our more complex times. That’s why we’ve expanded the definition of ‘casualty’.”

Expanded they have. Under the new plan, soldiers who contract gout, get sand in their eyes or who have a friend back home who catches crabs from that brunette with the squinty eyes that hangs around the Dairy Creme all summer, will now be considered ”wounded”. Meanwhile, military personnel who die within fifty years of their last tour of duty will be counted among the mortalities from the Iraq War (numbers to be extrapolated using a variety of impartial sources including: AP reports, Al Jazeera internal memos, and Sean Penn’s diary).  

“Many on the right have accused us of doctoring the numbers with regard to the way that casualties in Iraq are going to be measured,” said Beckworth. “That’s patently false. We are simply trying to be proactive. If a 93-year-old Iraqi war vet just drops dead near the end of this century, who is to say that his death is not directly related to the Battle for Fallujah? We’re just trying to run the numbers now while the issue is fresh in everyone’s mind.” 

Michael Auberry, the 12-year-old Boy Scout who became separated from his troop after wandering away from their campsite in the woods of North Carolina four days ago, has been found in relatively good condition. Park rangers discovered a weak and dehydrated Auberry earlier this afternoon.

“He was pretty shaken up by the whole experience,” said National Park spokesman John Saif. “He sure is one lucky little guy to have survived for that long on his own.”

Authorities say that the major breakthrough in the rescue operation occurred after they widened the search past the confines of Neverland Ranch.

“To the untrained eye it would seem that the logical place to look for someone who became lost in the North Carolina woods would be the North Carolina woods,” said Saif. “Not so. What the average person may not realize is that 98.7% of all missing Boy Scouts are in fact found on Mr. Jackson’s estate.”

Saif went on to note that many of these types of cases do not have happy endings.

“I cannot overemphasize how fortunate Michael is to find himself in that 1.3% category,” said Saif. “Sure he’ll need some IV fluids and he may lose a finger or toe to frostbite. And he’ll likely have to face the harsh reality of Greta Van Sustern muttering his name out of the side of her mouth ad nauseum for the next few months. But on the positive side, at least he’ll avoid lifelong, intensive psychotherapy and will retain the ability to form solid stools.”

Fresh off of his insightful piece on the resilient Sunni insurgency in Iraq, the Associated Press’s Stephen Hurst appears to be on the brink of breaking yet another major story.

Following is an ecxcerpt from his upcoming HIV expose:

“In my opinion HIV, the virus that supposedly causes AIDS, is a fatefully misunderstood entity. Many have saddled this poor virus with such hurtful labels as ‘killer’, ’scourge’, and ‘plague’, while never stopping to think about what might have caused HIV to act in the manner that it does. Has anyone ever paused for a moment to think about the horrible circumstances that surrounded HIV’s inception? I didn’t think so. To me, this is epidemiologism at it’s worst.”

Hurst says that HIV faces an uphill battle in what he describes as “a world with a decidedly hostile attitude” towards the virus:

“HIV faces a host, no pun intended, of enemies who have far greater resources than itself. Their foes bring billions of dollars, world-class scientists and doctors, and countless organizations decicated to the eradication of HIV to the table, and yet this plucky little virus soldiers on against the odds.” 

Hurst sees a definite bias in the way that HIV has been dealt with around the world as opposed to other diseases:

“Umm… red ribbons and quilts? Hello! Can you imagine the outrage from the other side of the aisle if syphilis or leprosy were held up to public ridicule in this manner? How gauche can you get?” 

Hurst goes on to point out the often-overlooked positives associated with HIV:

“Name recognition for starters. I’ll bet you didn’t know that HIV has a higher Q-score for anyone or anything on the planet with the exceptions of The Dalai Lama, WalMart, and Paris Hilton’s hoo-ha. HIV also has the distinction of being named Virus Fancy Magazine’s ‘Retrovirus of the Decade’ three times running. You wouldn’t know that if you only read the biased accounts that are so prevalent in the media today.”

The TNOYF research department just concluded a study of student/teacher sexual relationships over the past 2 years, and the results strongly suggest that the now infamous Deb Lafave tryst– where a sultry beauty-queen-turned-teacher seduced a 13 year-old student in 2005– has opened the door for grotesquely repulsive teachers to bed vulnerable male students.

Indeed, the results are not surprising to child psychology experts.

“We saw this coming,” said Dr. Ken Northrop. “Deb Lafave gave boys false hope, and in schools across the country, the homely teachers who haven’t had sex since their prom pounced. Many of them began producing falsified beauty-queen qualifications, or dying their hair blond. The boys often fell for it, only to discover the ugly truth once the clothes were off. But by then, it was often too late, because they really wanted to keep the Nintendo Wii.”
One victim, currently in therapy, shuddered when he recalled waking up after sleeping with his trigonometry teacher.

I just started screaming, ‘You’re not Ms. Lafave! You’re not Ms. Lafave!’ and she was scrambling to put the wig back on but it was too late. I saw her back hair right before I passed out.”

Psychologists said that they must now deal with an additional problem on top of the trauma of being sexually abused by an adult.

“Let me put it this way,” said Dr. Northrop. “Recovery time with the boy who slept with Deb Lafave is considerably shorter than for the boy who stoinked his 54-year-old, 250 pound gym teacher, thinking it was Deb Lafave.”

Longtime allies the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) announced a bold technological joint venture today that will enhance the ability of NAMBLA members to reach out to needy young boys on a local market basis.

The new NAMBLA Alert! wireless monitoring system uses cutting edge technology to beam users real-time data on local gatherings of young boys where “the presence of NAMBLA representatives might prove beneficial,” according to NAMBLA spokesman Peter Carter.

“As the enlightened among us recognize, young boys thoroughly enjoy– some might argue, require– the company of older, sweatier, hairier males,” continued Carter. “Even if they often need assistance recognizing this fact. The NAMBLA Alert system empowers the old to find the young in a timely, convenient manner. Now, I don’t want to get caught up in vague value judgments like ‘is it legal to have sex with an 8-year-old boy?’. That’s for our good friends in the 9th Circuit Court to decide. We are simply providing a public service.”

NAMBLA Alerts are available to members for a monthly fee, and use the latest in satellite technology to beam critical information to PDAs, cell phones, and other mobile devices. Carter does not shy away from the fact that his system is based on the wildly successful ‘Amber Alert’ program.

“Why try to reinvent the wheel?” he asked rhetorically. “‘Amber Alerts’ are extremely effective at helping to locate and recover missing children by beaming messages to large numbers of people. We plan on doing the exact same thing. Except after we locate them, we are going to have sex with them.”

One dues-paying NAMBLA member is already a believer.

“My job requires quite a bit of travel,” said Chester Hunsacker. “And it can be so hard to find unsupervised boys when you’re in a strange town. You can only cruise the local parks and ice cream stands so many times before people start looking at you like your some kind of creep. The new NAMBLA Alert system enables me to drastically reduce my “trolling” time without being made to feel like a lecher by ‘concerned parents.’”

Other key features:

• trench coat pocket compatible
• plays a full range of children’s cartoons
• LCD Display made from space-age polymers– easy to clean and extremely resistant to milkshake spills, Jolly Rancher smudge-marks, and three of four major body fluids
• a variety of ring tones including: a whimpering puppy, the Nintendo Wii start-up music, and the very popular “Barry Bonds Ring Tone” which includes the baseball great uttering such catchphrases as, “Psst. Hey boys, it’s me, future Hall of Fame baseball player Barry Bonds. I’m stuck in the trunk of this rental car. Just hop in the front seat with this nice gentleman and we’ll all go out for ice cream.“(*Note: Barry Bonds ring tone only available with the “Executive” model)
• one-touch access to the ACLU’s 24-hour free legal defense hot line
• “risk level” monitoring which can correctly gauge the level of adult supervision at a children’s event to within one chaperon
• Daily “Coaxing Tips” designed to thwart the Nazi-like protection efforts of local law enforcements

The NAMBLA Alert Monitoring System is available at the ACLU and NAMBLA websites, and also via a fleet of vans with blackout-tinted windows at a playground near you.