Democrat strategists have just revealed a detailed plan that they believe will ensure victory in Iraq. Democrats have come under fire from conservatives in general, and President Bush in particular, over their constant complaining about the situation in Iraq while offering no solution of their own. 

“I think the American people are really going to get behind my party’s new initiative,” said Senator Joe Biden. “President Bush has called us irresponsible for not putting forth a plan for Iraq. Well, if he doesn’t okay this logically sound plan, then I think we all know who is being irresponsible.’”

Biden scoffed at those who call the idea “unrealistic” and “out of touch with reality.”

“The plan calls for genetically engineering an army of miniature diplomats and placing them inside of hollowed-out robotic tuna,” said Biden. “The ‘Trojan Tuna’ will then be left at the home or PO Box (if it happens to be a jihadist away on a weekend retreat at his cabin) of the freedom fighter in question. Once the recipient is asleep, the miniature diplomats will extricate themselves from the tuna and strike up a conversation with the freedom fighter. After a rapport has been established, the diplomat will explain carefully to the freedom fighter that we mean them no harm, and that we are working hard against our common enemy- the Christian right. However, we will make it clear that things must be done in a less violent manner. Perhaps a Supreme Court nominee can be found among the insurgents so they will have a chance to make their voices heard on U.S. policy issues. Then they will be less likely to blow things up. Pretty impressive plan, huh? Who’s ‘out of touch’ now?”   

Koniakow, Poland underwear maker Malgorzata Sanaszek smiles as she shows the lacy handmade g-string that won her first prize in the annual “Things We’d Hate To Imagine Helen Thomas Wearing” contest.

Sanaszek was unsure about her chances for victory when she signed up for the contest.

“I was a bit nervous I have to say,” said Sanaszek. “There are always so many great competitors. However, I realized I had a shot when two of the judges projectile vomited upon seeing my entry.”

Jesse Davison of Amarillo, Texas took second place for his custom clown nose and Sponge Bob pasties ensemble. While Michele LaFleur of Ontario, Canada claimed third prize for her entry of a crotchless burka and a pirate hat.

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Click here and vote for me, and save me the trouble of extracting your molars with dirty pliers.

On the heels of his comments yesterday that it is “unfortunate” that Americans look through the world with an “American lens,” John Kerry has signed on with a French camera manufacturer to produce a line of French-flag adorned cameras. The former presidential hopeful said he hopes the new camera will remind Americans to pause and consider the feelings of other countries, particularly those who have long histories of deftly handling world issues.

TNOYF continues our special on-going coverage of John Edwards, as he explores the “two Americas” theme central to his presidential campaign.   See Part I here.

“Hello America.  Thank you for joining me on this amazing voyage across America.  Tonight I find myself in a peculiar place, and it’s a far cry from the frigid, floating ice shelf from which I last addressed you.

Tonight I’m in Hollywood, and never have I seen such a glaring example of the widening gap that defines America.

Dear people, I always knew that the rift was growing, but here I’ve been forced to see up close just how bad it’s gotten.  It’s a gully.  A chasm.  A festering gorge of unpleasantness that threatens to consume us all.  I know, billions of people think I exaggerate, to which I say, COME HERE!  Come to Hollywood, and see for yourself just how a small furrow can become a sprawling void, how an epic, yawning abyss can grow from what was once a simple fissure.  Two Americas, indeed.

I have averted my eyes.  It is too much.  We must move on….”

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Security around Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been beefed up in recent days, as authorities have learned that he is the target of a gang of blue-haired Nebraskan women who have arrived in Venezuela to carry out the orders of Pat Robertson. Chavez is currently hiding out at at an undisclosed location, while the Lincoln Nebraska chapter of the Sunday Morning Sisters (SMS) is apparently roaming the Venezuelan mountains, planning their strike.

Authorities are just now piecing together the details of the Nebraska SMS group, who all went missing last Tuesday shortly after Robertson’s suggestion that the United States should assassinate the Venezuelan president. They believe the ring leader is Dorothy “the Rosary Queen” Figgins, who hosted bi-weekly prayer meetings of the group in her Lincoln, Nebraska living room and was a devoted member of Robertson’s 700 Club. Figgins was renowned in the community for her fire and brimstone diatribes against “sinners,” as well as her rhubarb pie, which took home a blue ribbon at the Nebraska State Fair in 2005.

According to SMS members who did not make the journey to Venezuela due to Bingo commitments, the women were gathered in Figgins’ home watching the 700 club when Robertson issued his decree.

“We all felt that if it wasn’t the Word of God, it was pretty darn close,” said Helen Johnson. “As soon as we could get everyone up off the sofa, we sprang into action. Unfortunately Mildred Arnold dislocated her hip, so we decided to nap for a bit before trying again. We were going to do God’s work, and bag us some Venezuelan Heathen Ass!”

Police are desperately trying to track the group’s path. Their first break came when a Chevy Van belonging to group member Mayrose Nelson was ticketed for driving too slow on Interstate 50 in Texas. FBI and CIA agents descended on the area, and learned from eyewitnesses that a camouflage-clad group of old women had stopped at a Denny’s near Waco for an early bird special. The trail grew cold from there, and authorities notified Mexican police to be on the look out for group, presumed to be armed and dangerous.

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Snowball, a  10-month-old polar bear cub and the reigning Ms. Ursine USA, was forced to relinquish her title recently after this racy photo of her and an unidentified human circulated around the Internet.

Event organizer Donald Trump was upset with Snowball’s choice.

“You have a responsibility to behave appropriately when you are in the spotlight,” said Trump. “This was clearly a bad decision by Snowball. However, I might be willing to offer her a second chance if she were to knit me a nice wig out of that soft, white hair.”

A spokesman for Rosie O’Donnell said she was unavailable for comment as “she doesn’t like to be disturbed at feeding time.”

Guest Editorial By Butch Nicotera

Most of you have no idea who I am, so please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Butch Nicotera and I went to school with Dennis Kucinich, or as we used to call him, Penis Blew-spinach. I’m not some fancy writer. I don’t make my living commenting on political matters. I am just an everyday Joe who lives in Minnesota working a 9-to-5 gig.

What I do know, however, is the benefit of doling out a good ass-kicking. Back in elementary school my business was issuing beat-downs to whimpering, sniveling, whiners, and business was booming. Now, it has come to my attention of late that old Blew-spinach has started spouting off more of his namby-pamby garbage, and may need a refresher course in Shut Your F***ing Piehole 101. He’s in luck; I’ve kept my teaching certification up-to-date.

Apparently he is aiming to shove a “fairness doctrine” (which is really just another way of saying “Help everyone! My vagina is chafed!”) down the collective throat of the American people. Apparently I was a bit too lenient in the old days as old Penis seems to have forgotten the lessons I tried so hard to beat into his freakish head.

I know that you’re probably thinking, “Hey Butch, it’s not nice to make fun of the guy’s appearance. It’s not his fault he looks like the result of a one-night stand between Mr. Spock and Mitch Albom.” Horse-feathers. My daddy used to whup me with a hubcap just for having two eyebrows. Ol’ Penis is getting off easy. 

But I digress. When he ran for the House of Representatives, I let it go. I figured somebody there would make an example of him. When he ran for president in ‘04, I knew he’d lose and I was right.

However, when he announced his plan to run for president this time around I realized that I had to do something. Not because I think he’ll win, but because I cannot listen to another word coming out of his frustratingly un-bloodied mouth.

That is why I formed Swift Kick Veterans From Duluth. We are a group of everyday guys and gals who are coming together to bring back old-school drubbings to those who need them most.

We are currently seeking volunteers with proficiency in any of the following areas:

• “locker room style” towel-snap delivery
• atomic wedgie application
• proven flinch inducing techniques
• lunch money reallocation 

As is the case with my patience, time is short so please do what you can to help right now.

Update: 

After departing jobs at McDonalds and Burger King for what she called “personal reasons,” we’re thrilled to report that former Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney has landed on her feet at a 7-Eleven in the greater Atlanta area.

Cynthia tells us that the job pays less, but that she makes up for it in Slim Jims.

In an effort to fend off criticism that her childless status makes her a questionable proponent of anti-spanking legislation, California legislator and cat-lover Sally Lieber is now offering some helpful child-rearing tips for parents.

Guest Commentary By Sally Lieber

I have been both surprised and disappointed since I introduced legislation in California that would make it illegal for parents to spank their young children. Just because I don’t have any human kids doesn’t mean that I don’t understand how to raise them.

Here are a few dynamite tips that I’ve picked up along the way that are sure to help out even the most over-stressed parent. Enjoy.

1) When your child does not listen to you, it is never okay to spank them. A light misting from a spray bottle usually does the trick with much less damage to their self-esteem.

2) Make sure to have your child spayed or neutered by the time they enter daycare. Remember, responsible parents do not let their youngsters litter or have litters (Get it? Litter? Litters? My son Mr. Mittens came up with that. Isn’t he clever?)

3) It is not necessary to buy your child expensive toys or elaborate video game systems. In my experience I’ve found that they are quite content with a simple ball of yarn.

4) When deciding where to place your child’s bed, be sure to choose a spot that receives lots of sunlight.

5) Do not be alarmed if your child brings home a dead mouse or bird for you. Although children do not have the appropriate words to express their feelings at a young age, what they are really saying is “Hey- mom and dad? I truly love and appreciate you.” Remember, as is often the case with children, it is the thought that counts.

6) Although it has been dismissed by many as an old wives tale, it is in fact true that children always do land on their feet when dropped from high places. Give it a try, it won’t hurt them. In fact, it will help to hone their reflexes and muscles for later in life.

7) Reading is essential to the mental, emotional, and spiritual growth of children. Expose them to the classics such as Garfield and Puss ‘n’ Boots, at an early age.
Contrary to popular belief, a black child crossing your path is most emphatically not bad luck. This is one of those slow-to-die racial stereotypes that began with southern plantation owners centuries ago, and is perpetuated by Republicans and Michael Richards to this day.   

Now get back out there and raise some terrific kids everybody!

The ACLU issued a statement today demanding that Dakota Fanning’s new movie Hound Dog– in which the 12 year old actress acts out a violent rape scene–be given full release to the country’s prison system once the Sundance Film Festival is over.

“We’ve been waiting for a new movie to put into the prison rotation, particularly one that can take the place of the Home Alone series,” said ACLU spokesman Drab Futar.  “We know from our email surveys that incarcerated pedophiles have grown tired of Macaulay Culkin. Even that titillating scene where he puts his hands on his soft cheeks and forms his mouth into a perfect “O” gets old after a while. In fact, we believe that repeated viewing of the Home Alone series borders on cruel and unusual punishment.  The prison system can avoid lengthy litigation by giving the boys in the big house some new blood.”

Futar scoffed at accusations that the Fanning rape scene condoned pedophilia.

“Au contraire.  The film brings important attention to the issue of child sexual abuse. Many ignorant-types operate under the primitive fallacy that the proper way to fight this issue is through tougher laws and prison sentences.  To which I say, ‘No, no, no- A thousand times no!’   The public must see child rape on the big screen, preferably in high-definition, to fully understand the issue.  That’s why it needs to be shot from many different angles and in various film speeds. For the sake of the children.”

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According to a recent New York Times poll, “secondary global warming” has moved up to second place on their readers list of the biggest concerns facing the country, overtaking convicted pedophiles who cannot access their E-NAMBLA.com dating accounts while in prison, and closing significant ground on President Bush. Former Vice President Al Gore attributes the rise in concern over non-traditional global warming to his own tireless efforts on behalf of the cause.

“This poll is a vindication of all of the years of hard work I’ve put in since I first discovered primary global warming,” said Gore. “This scourge is decimating our country. Our planet. And it’s not just happening in the usual ‘melting-the-ice-caps-destroying-the-ozone’ way; it’s bigger than that. Now we see the secondary effects can be just as devastating. I get letters from school children all of the time telling me how global warming ate their homework or pushed them down on the playground. I hear from elderly people who tell terrifying stories of how global warming conned them out of their life savings. And then there are the multitude of African-Americans who deal with the racial epithets thrown their way on a daily basis by global warming.”

Gore says that secondary global warming is the biggest threat facing the world today, and that people should not be misled by the fact that it only managed second place on the list. He went on to note some eerie commonalities between the top two NYT readers concerns.

“I am convinced that President Bush and secondary global warming are in fact one in the same individual,” said Gore. “They follow a strangely similar m.o.- both steal from old people; both hate children and African-Americans; and neither one can hold a tune. Furthermore, they have never yet appeared together in public.”

Rounding out the top ten biggest concerns facing America are:

4. Traditional global warming

5. America (the country not the band)

6. Westerns (that do not involve gay cowboys)

7. (tie) Stupid people who do not recognize the quality content on Air America

7. (tie) The extreme conservative slant in the mainstream media

8. SUV’s

9. Country music (except the Dixie Chicks)

10. The Star Spangled Banner