Dear Saddam,

What can I say? You have always been like a big brother to me. I have so many fond memories that I don’t know where to start.

Remember that time in homeroom when you killed the substitute teacher because she mispronounced your name? That was sweet.

Or how about the time at the cake walk when you raped the entire PTA at knife-point? Classic.

Then there was the time that we played Jerusalem High in the sectional soccer playoffs. I still remember the look on their goalie’s face when he went to make a diving save and then suddenly realized that it was not a ball, but rather a rocket propelled grenade you had launched from the stands. Priceless.

Hey, what about the road trip we made to France in 10th grade when Chirac’s parents were away? Man. We drank all of his champagne, trashed his house, and gang-raped his sister but he kept talking about “you are my very good friends”. What an asshat.    

Anyways, hope to see you over the summer. Oh wait, you’re dead. Well then, stay cool. Hmm. No good either. How about, try not to get brutally sodomized with a pitchfork for eternity while submerged in a sweltering, rancid pool of lava and pig entrails.

Your friend,

Jalani

BFF

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9. The New York Times has just released their retrospective of the former Iraqi president entitled, “Saddam Hussein: Visionary Leader, or Truly Visionary Leader?”

8. In a Herculean effort to see that justice be done, Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International had to trudge their way past all of those inconvenient mass graves to protest for leniency on his behalf.

7. (tie) Dan Rather has been inconsolable for days.

7. (tie) French flags are flying at half mast.

6. He just leap-frogged past Fidel Castro and Abe Vigoda in Internet death pools.

5. American college students have started wearing t-shirts with pictures of a black, shadowy, Saddam in a beret.

4. Ramsey Clark has been hitting up Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il for business.

3. Tim Robbins, Danny Glover and Sean Penn have been leading a prison-side candlelight vigil.

2. “Small town cop” mustaches are on their way out in Baghdad.

1. Rope futures are soaring.

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 9″ lists and other organizations “Top 10″ lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 9, theirs have 10. Way different.)

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Flights out of Paris’s Charles de Gaulle Airport were held up for over six hours yesterday after a routine security check reveled a cache of explosive materials concealed in an American tourist’s  anal cavity.

Gary Felchworth of Provincetown, Massachusetts, had already passed through the security checkpoint when an alert guard noticed a suspicious looking wedgie as he walked away.

“There was something not quite right about the man but I couldn’t put my finger on it at first,” said Pierre LeMieux. “When he walked away I noticed that his gait was a bit off and then I looked down. His was no naturally occurring wedgie.” 

LeMieux immediately called for back-up and the explosives were discovered shortly after a more thorough, though somewhat less comfortable, search. 

For his part, Felchworth maintains he is innocent and that the explosives were intended for “personal use.”   

“I really don’t know what the fuss is about,” said a visibly shaken Felchworth. “We do this all the time in Massachusetts. We even have a name for it; ‘The Cape Cod Colon Scrambler.’ I’d expect this sort of treatment in Texas or Oklahoma, but I thought that the French were supposed to be a lot more progressive than this.”

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Guest Editorial by Al Sharpton

When The Nose On Your Face asked for my thoughts on the Duke rape case, I hesitated.  First, they already have Ike Turner as a guest columnist, and I don’t want to mess with Mr. Turner.  I’ve seen what that crazy black man can do when he thinks a brother is movin’ in on his space, be it a b-tch or a guest column. Second, why should I write for a blog that has a freaky-eyed mutant white guy on the banner?  That boy looks like the bastard gay-love child of Max Headroom and Chris Matthews.  Makes me scream every time I open the damn page.  But finally, and most importantly, I got a big problem with all the Nutella-talk on this blog.  While the creamy hazelnut spread may be an irresistible European taste sensation, the sh-t is the same color as Barack Obama.  And Obama, my friends, is not a black man.   He’s Hawaiian.  Huge fu-kin’ difference.  You got doubts? Listen to Don Ho sing “Tiny Bubbles” and try to tell me that’s the place that’s going to produce the future of the black movement.  That Obama boy wouldn’t know a brother if he stood up in his gazpacho.

All that to the side, I felt I had to write anyway, even though all I’m getting for my effort is one of these awful Islamic Rage Boy Shirts.  Sh-t, these boys Potfry and Buckley seem to think they’ve stumbled on the next freakin’ Hula-Hoop with this Islamic Rage Boy nonsense.  Don’t get me wrong, I can be a mean son of a bitch, but there’s something just pathetically sad about a couple of deluded white boys constantly checking their g-d-damn website to see how many Islamic Rage Boy T-Shirts they HAVE NOT sold.   

So, to the subject at hand: the Duke Rape case.   I have watched from afar the unfolding of events in Durham County, North Carolina with something approximating merriment.  Let me first review the facts:  Exhibit A: Injured poor black stripper. Exhibit B: Rich white college boys.  Ladies and gentlemen, one would think it’s pretty hard to screw this one up, right?  Just bring the two parties together, stir vigorously, and watch. I mean, I do this with my eyes closed, folks.  It ain’t complicated.

But wait. There’s another ingredient.

Exhibit C: District Attorney Mike Nifong.  Lily-white, blond and smiling, Mr. Nifong looks like he’s in between playing 9 at the Cracker Country Club and racing to his kid’s soccer game. This ladder-climbing albino with sushi in his teeth is going to be the SPARK of racism?!?  WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A GUY WHO THINKS BITCHING AT A PARKING LOT ATTENDANT ABOUT THE SMELL OF KFC IN HIS BMW CONSTITUTES INTERACTING WITH BLACK PEOPLE!

Yes, this case was doomed from the start.  Mr. Nifong simply committed every single mistake a rookie race-baiter can make.  I mean, did he learn anything from my deft handling of the Tawana Brawley case?  Who, in their right mind, produces a rape victim that IS NOT covered in animal feces?   No racial slurs written on her body?  These are basics, people.  You might as well not even play the game if you’re not going to understand the rules.

In sum, Mr. Nifong has set-back race-baiting at least a decade.  Which, in turn, has set back black people like…another century or something.  On top of the millennium we’ve already lost.  This simply makes the case for slavery reparations stronger, as I’m sure you can imagine.  More on that in the near future.

9. It involves the ritualistic slaughter of millions of trees.

8. It takes attention away from important causes like pedophiles who unjustly receive harsh prison sentences and Guantanamo Bay prisoners who are not receiving culturally sensitive meals.

7. They think Jesus was a cult leader and that eggnog is just a creamier version of Kool Aid.

6. They think the only stars that should be followed are Sean Penn, Cindy Sheehan and Danny Glover.

5. Although he looked like a hippie, Jesus was just a poseur who never even tried pot. 

4. You cannot file a lawsuit on a federal holiday.

3. Celebrates the birth of the original, non-aborted baby.

2. It overshadows real holidays like Che Guevara’s birthday and NAMBLA Eve.

1. Love the idea of sex and no baby, not so keen on having a baby with no sex.

Mike Nifong may not be leaving the spotlight just yet. Although he recently dropped rape charges against three Duke lacrosse players, the Durham District Attorney has now charged noted humanitarian Santa Claus with a bevy of crimes including cruelty to animals and improper storage of elves.

However, Nifong’s decision to wait until Christmas Eve to announce the charges has many people second guessing his motives. During a phone interview with TNOYF, Nifong maintains that his motives are pure:

The Nose On Your Face: Mr. Nifong, Santa Claus has a sterling reputation in the community… in the world actually… as a wonderful guy. And it’s not just a reputation, there are literally billions of documented examples of the good deeds he has done.

Mike Nifong: That may be, but Mike Nifong does not discriminate when discharging his duties. Mike Nifong looks at all the facts, determines how much attention may be garnered from the case, calculates the career implications for Mike Nifong, and then proceeds.

TNOYF: What are the facts?

MN: Mike Nifong received a phone call from an anonymous elf who said that Santa is a “mean old poopy-head” and that he often gives his reindeer carrots that are, in his opinion, “ca-ca.” 

TNOYF: That’s it? Mr. Nifong, you must be aware of the fact that as the largest employer in the Northern Hemisphere, Santa has to deal with unhappy workers all the time. Have you even actually met with the elf who has levied these allegations?

MN: Mike Nifong cannot recall.

TNOYF: Well, we did a bit of research and we found out some information on your source. His name is Filmore Wiggletoes, but he goes by the street name of “Single Malt”. He is a syphilitic elf-dwarf hybrid with a foul temper and a raging gambling addiction. He has filed no less than seventeen different lawsuits against Claus Industries in the past for everything from sexual harassment to failure to provide a safe work environment. Every single case has been thrown out for lack of evidence.  Given these findings, will you proceed any differently in this case?

MN: How did you find out his name?

TNOYF: We Googled “disgruntled elves.”

MN: Mike Nifong is furious with you! Mike Nifong will keep the charges in place. Furthermore, Mike Nifong is charging you with obstruction of justice in a criminal investigation and with re-victimization of a victim!      

TNOYF: What about the reindeer charges? It says in your statement that “Santa often holds his reindeer up for scorn and sexual ridicule”- what exactly does that mean?

MN: Look, Santa has treated his reindeer poorly from the get-go. Even the names he has given them are designed to humiliate them.

TNOYF: Really? Their names seem pretty innocuous. I don’t see it.

MN: Does Mike Nifong have to spell it out? Dancer? As in an exotic dancer or stripper? He might as well have named him “whore-antlers.”

TNOYF: Well what about Prancer?

MN: Prancer. Prancing. As in prancing around like a little sissy-doe. Santa’s cruelty to homosexuals knows no boundaries.

TNOYF: Comet?

MN: How about if Mike Nifong were to name you “Lysol” or “Windex”- would you like that?

TNOYF: Actually, no. What about the “incitement of genocide” charge related to Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer?

MN: Rudolph… sounds like Adolph. As in Adolph Hitler. He is basically calling Rudolph a Nazi. Why do you think Hitler did all of the terrible things he did? Because he was mocked, ridiculed and not allowed to play in any soccer games as a child. Do you have any idea of the devastation the Nazi’s could have caused had they had antlers and the ability to fly?

TNOYF: Hmm. I guess I never really thought about that. We know you are busy and need to go, but thanks for your time Mr. Nifong.

MN: Mike Nifong was happy to oblige.

Rape charges were dropped Friday against three Duke University lacrosse players after the stripper who accused them changed her story and rendered the rape charge groundless. But Durham, NC District Attorney Mike Nifong has filed a new battery of charges against the three young men, breathing new life into a case that has captivated the nation.

According to court documents, the new charges are:

• Failure to properly sanitize and grease the stripper pole (“exotic dancer accessory”), resulting in uncomfortable burns and an irritating squeaking noise that made it hard for the victim to keep her focus.
• Failure to provide a state-sanctioned donkey for the show, forcing the victim to improvise with a house cat.  The victim claims that, in addition to the painful scratches she suffered, she is also allergic and ailurophobic. In a separate filing, the cat is pressing charges against the victim and the lacrosse players.

l          Failure to play the live version of “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” instead playing the studio version, resulting in a discussion among the lacrosse players about the merits of each version that upset the victim’s concentration.  The dialogue ultimately progressed into a highly distracting, raging debate over the song “Free Bird,” and whether or not the live version really rocks (for the record, the court believes it does).

l          Failure to prepare produce properly for the show.  Trace amounts of pesticide found in the victim’s vagina suggest that the zucchini used (exotic dancer accessory #2) was not cleaned to the standards outlined in the Exotic Dancer codebook.

Mr. Difong also mentioned several expert witnesses that will be summoned in the upcoming weeks:

l          A coronary psychic will testify that while the defendants may not have raped the victim, they had rape in their hearts. “Sometimes it’s not what we do,” said Difong triumphantly, “it’s what we’re thinking.  And these boys have a lot of violent lust in their hearts, according to Tobar the Magnificent.”

l          An ancestral analyst will demonstrate that one of the defendants had a great-great-great uncle who owned a slave.  “Based on this evidence, I’m surprised we didn’t have a lynching,” said Difong.  “Hey, wait a second, can I charge them with attempted lynching?”

l          A psychologist from Cal Berkeley will testify that the entire game of lacrosse is a clever facade for anal rape.

Men from around the nation gathered at the doors of Trump Towers early this morning to protest Donald Trump’s decision to conditionally reinstate Miss USA Tara Conner.

To a man, the protesters said they were not upset that Trump let Conner keep the crown, but rather that he let her do so only on the condition that she enter a drinking rehabilitation program. Conner has been infamously partying hard around The Big Apple since winning the crown and has battled rumors that she has had an ongoing affair with Ms. Teen USA Katie Blair, with whom she was sharing an apartment.

“Look, I have no problem whatsoever with Ms. Conner staying on as Ms. USA, in fact I’m all for it,” said Jim Clarke of Philadelphia. “But why the rehab bit? A lot of pressure goes with the title ‘Miss USA’. She might need a few drinks every now and again to lower her inhibitions… I mean, to unwind after a long day of wearing a bikini to promote world peace.

If anything, she should be encouraged for breaking down the walls of homophobia that have been constructed by a cold, hard society. Maybe, just maybe, Tara could use her position as Ms. USA to do just that. I feel that more coverage- video, audio, pictures, whatever- of her exploits would lead to an easing of tensions between the straight and gay communities-  a sort of sexual detente. At least that’s our fantasy… dream… hope… that’s our hope.” 

Full transcript follows:

Q: Tony, can you tell us about Mrs. Bush’s skin cancer? Is she going to be okay? How does she feel?

Mr. Snow: I spoke to her just a short time ago. She is doing fine and she thanks you all for your concern.

Q: That is good news. Two part follow up: Is it contagious? Could those around her contract it?

Mr. Snow: I am not a doctor but I do not believe that it is contagious. No. Those around her are perfectly safe.

Q: Hmm. So you don’t think there is even a remote chance that even those closest to her could possibly catch it?

Mr. Snow: I do not believe so. No.

Q: What if it was the person that she shares a bed with? Could that degree of proximity make it more likely that the disease could be spread?

Mr. Snow: No. It is not something you catch.

Q: Did she catch it after Vice President Cheney shot her on that hunting trip?

Mr. Snow: What ?!? No!

Q: So you admit that Mr. Cheney shot her?

Mr. Snow: No! Next question.

Q: My sources say that this form of cancer is quite prevalent in the homosexual community. Do you think she caught it from Vice President Cheney’s lesbian daughter?

Mr. Snow: Look, Mrs. Bush has squamous cell carcinoma. It has been detected early and she is being treated. She is not in any danger at this time. It is not- I repeat- it is not contagious. So President Bush is perfectly safe. I’m sure he thanks you for your concern over his well-being. Any questions that are not related to President Bush catching cancer from his wife?

Q: Did the First Lady receive a full medical work-up as part of her screening?

Mr. Snow: Thank you for changing that line of questioning. Yes, she did indeed have a full battery of tests done.

Q: Were there any other potentially life-threatening contagious diseases discovered?

Mr. Snow: No. She was given a clean bill of health.

Q: Nothing? No tuberculosis? Smallpox? Maybe a touch of Ebola?

Mr. Snow: (Sighs) That concludes this conference. Good day.

Q: You wouldn’t happen to know if President Bush has been dining out with any former Russian spies do you? 

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad retained support from feminist groups across the United States recently even after revealing vivid details of his blind date with Smurfette of “The Smurfs”, fame.

The National Organization of Women had originally praised Ahmadinejad’s decision to date the 1980’s television star, calling the duo “a potential power couple par excellence.” That group still stands by the Iranian President even after learning of his less-than-chivalric actions. 

“We felt, and still feel, this is a great way to ease international tensions that have been brought on by America’s aggressive actions towards Iran,” said NOW spokeswomyn Pat Mahvee. “That has not changed. What you have to understand is that this sort of behavior is part of their culture in the Middle East. The burkas. The genital mutilation. Those are centuries-old traditions. It’s not like he said that men were inherently better at science or something like that.”

Ahmadinejad received criticism from some after unceremoniously holding a press conference outside of Smurfette’s apartment the morning after their date.  

Children with higher IQs are more likely to become vegetarians later in life, acoording to a British Medical Journal Study released this week, providing further evidence that intelligence may be linked to a healthier lifestyle.  But closer scrutiny of the study’s results reveals several other notable trends among kids with higher IQs once they become adults:

• -More likely to be in therapy as a result of repeated beatings at the hands of slower, meat-loving children
• -More likely to be a waiter or waitress working on a novel
• -More likely to require surgery to have a large pole removed from their ass
• -More likely to have pursued a masters and/or doctorate degree that completely consumed their parents’ retirement money

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