The Associated Press released a statement late Wednesday evening to The Nose On Your Face regarding their confidential sources from the recent “Sunni Six” burning incident in Iraq. An AP spokesman speaking, ironically enough, on condition of anonymity said the following.

“With regard to the AP’s handling of the recent, tragic incident in Iraq that left six Sunni’s burned to death, we have been inundated with demands that our sources be revealed. Of course we refused, knowing that such an action would compromise our journalistic integrity and strongly discourage future sources from laying down their RPG’s to speak with us in the future. 

We have been pressured regarding the true identity and credentials of Capt. Jamil Hussein, the finest captain this side of James T. Kirk, and an all-around good man whose reputation is being dragged through the mud.

We have also been accused of fomenting a civil war in Iraq. This is patently false. The Associated Press does not take sides in any incident. In fact, a recent straw poll showed that the only entities on the planet considered as impartial as us were the UN, Ninth Circuit Court judges and single mothers with attachment disorder who were called to school due to behavioral concerns over their child. Fairly elite company by any standard. We merely report the facts. Period.

However, circumstances have changed. All three major television networks, CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times, the ACLU, Human Rights Watch, even Nancy Pelosi have come forward demanding answers on this one. Due to the extreme potential for harm to both Iraqis and other Westerners, we felt that it would be prudent to make an exception in this case.

Nahhhh! Just f***ing with you. All those guys are still cool with us, it was just a bunch of right-wing bloggers trying to stir up trouble again.

On a side note, don’t forget that there is still time to donate stuffed animals, toys and children’s limbs to our ‘U.S. Military School-Bombing Simulation’ program. Items that are already charred and shrapnel-laden are obviously preferred, but all are welcome.”   

M’basa Okoye, a soldier from the Democratic Republic of Congo army’s elite Stegosaurus Brigade, is pictured waiting outside of actor/comedian Michael Richard’s house in the Los Angeles area. Okoye told Richard’s security detail that he is a big fan and means the actor no harm. Okoye went on to say, “I merely want to talk to the funny Kramer man about his success on Seinfeld, his Jewish upbringing and the possibility of slathering him with a paste made from honey and wildebeest milk, before burying him up to his neck in a fire ant mound.”

(AFP/Jose Cendon) 

Stunning new photographic evidence has surfaced that would appear to erase all doubt as to the accuracy of an AP report from Iraq on the burning of 6 Sunni civilians following their Friday worship services.

More troubling, the photographs provide damning evidence that United States soldiers were the ones actually responsible for the brutal murders.

“I could not believe my eyes,” stated the best friend of a third cousin of a guy who once played youth soccer with an Iraqi Ministry of Interior spokesman who, fortunately, happened to be at the same service. “We were leaving Friday prayers, and all of a sudden an American soldier swooped down out of the sky like an angry falcon. He was wearing a rocket-propulsion pack and carrying a five gallon container of gasoline. He stopped briefly, laughed a wicked laugh, and - I swear I will never forget this as long as I live- then said, ‘Burn you wretched ragheads, burn!’ Luckily, I have several AP reporters numbers saved in my cell, so I was able to get the word out quickly.”   

U.S. Military officials have refused to comment on the matter as this goes to print, but an inside source tells TNOYF that they are “flabbergasted and deeply concerned” by the damning new photographic evidence.

Note: This post featured at The Carnival of the Insanities.

This past Sunday, eighteen-month-old Hannah Gilligan decided to draw her “papa” a picture for his 35th birthday. It turned out to be a fateful decision for the Burlington, Vermont toddler.

The picture, (below left), began a hailstorm of protest in this deeply, culturally sensitive part of the country when Gilligan family friend Timmy Saint Croix saw it on the refrigerator and pointed out some thinly veiled anti-Muslim properties within. 

“Look, anyone with half a brain can tell that Hannah was depicting the prophet Muhammad in a less-than-flattering manner,” said Saint Croix. “Look at the way she melds the hot pink and yellow lines and then superimposes the orange over the entire piece. That blasphemous little brat may yet get us all killed!”

For their part, Hanna’s family were both stunned and cooperative with authorities.       

“I don’t know why I didn’t see it sooner,” said Hanna’s father, Spencer. “When Timmy pointed it out I felt like such a fool. Of course I called 9-1-1 immediately. They sent in a SWAT Team and took her down. I would have preferred they avoided the non-lethal stuff to teach her a little lesson, but the Taser did appear to cause her a great deal of pain. However, that is nothing compared to the pain our Muslim friends must be feeling after bearing yet another insult to their great religion.” 

Just days after apologizing for a profanity-laden, racial tirade while performing at a comedy club, former Seinfeld star Michael Richards has landed in hot water yet again. This time the object of his wrath was not even an actual person, but rather the dreaded post-Thanksgiving, shopping nightmare known as “Black Friday.”

Witnesses say that the long line outside of a Los Angeles Circuit City may have had something to do with Richard’s outburst. 

“I was shocked,” said fellow customer Dylan Wolak. “Sure the line was long, but that’s how it goes on this day. One minute I’m standing in line waiting for a Nintendo Wii, the next thing I know Kramer’s screaming ‘I’ll get you for this Friday!’ at an imaginary person and then yelling something about cutting out his extra thigh muscle and handing him a lantern to hold on his front lawn. I guess he took the wait personally.”

A Richard’s spokesman issued a statement that cited the Bush administration’s failure to support embryonic stem cell research as the true source of the incident.

The alien-studded wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes in Italy was violently disrupted when the Great Gazoo, Islamic Rage Boy, and the saber-toothed creature from “Alien” wound up in a drunken scrum during the traditional bouquet tossing.

Italian authorities were called in, but not before many  guests were eaten, decapitated, or called “dum dum” by Gazoo.

Holmes and Cruise had debated inviting Gazoo since he had just emerged from his third stint in rehab last month. They eventually decided that C3PO’s presence could provide some mature mentorship for the former Flintstones star.

It was not to be.  Gazoo had C3PO disconnected before the first dance, and drove E.T. from the event with a wedgie that left the sensitive space creature in tears.

As a prescient Robot from “Lost in Space” chanted “Warning! Warning!” Holmes prepared to toss the bouquet into a riled-up gaggle of extra terrestrial personalities. 

“You just knew some some bad !@#$ was gonna go down,” said Marvin the Martian afterwards, as he absent mindedly fingered the trigger on his Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator. “I’m no Scientologist, but I’ve got to believe this isn’t what L. Ron Hubbard had in mind.”

For the record, Islamic Rage Boy emerged from the pile with the flowers.

   Guest Editorial-

  Oswald W. Gobblewitz

I am writing this article with the hope that I can still reach some of you before you make a grave mistake. I am a blunt bird so I will get right to the point. You are putting your life, and the lives of others, in grave danger if you eat turkey today.

I know what you are thinking, “Hey Oswald, you are a turkey. You’re just trying to save yourself.” That is in fact partially true. We turkeys are known to have a sense of self preservation one hundred and twenty times more powerful than that of the average liberal. But there is more.

Are you aware of the recent findings that indicate that turkey meat causes AIDS? I do not always agree with fringe groups such as PETA, but in this instance they are spot-on.  Did you know that before committing some of the most heinous acts in human history, the perpetrators often ate turkey first? The Killing Fields? Pol Pot ate turkey on rye regularly. Pearl Harbor? Japanese pilots famously brought turkey nuggets with sweet and sour sauce on board their planes. Gigli? Affleck demanded a refrigerator stocked with turkey burgers for his trailer.

On top of all those things after eating turkey you will inevitably fall asleep (in your own personal cloud of turkey-induced gaseousness) by the third quarter of the Cowboys game and miss the ending.

“But Oswald, if we can’t have turkey what will we serve our guests?” Ham, and I will tell you why. Ham is an often overlooked but highly versatile holiday meat. It is delicious and highly nutritious. Did you know that just one bite of ham contains the recommended daily allowance of every essential vitamin and mineral? Every bite after the first one is icing on the cake.

Throughout history ham has been known to cure leprosy, ward off evil spirits and even protect your inner ear from the sound of Susan Estrich’s voice.

This Thanksgiving, catch the end of the big game. Prevent mass murder. Eat ham.

Editor’s Note: Swan meat also has it’s merits, if cooked slowly at high temperatures over either a burning American flag or a flame-engulfed George W. Bush effigy.

UPDATE:  Islamofascists are so simpatico….

We have compiled some lesser known, fake Thanksgiving quotes for your holiday reading enjoyment.

“Thanksgiving is just another exploitative white capitalistic pig holiday.” - Michael Moore at the release for his new anti-Thanksgiving movie, “Is That Smallpox In Your Blanket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?’, and the accompanying line of action figures.

“All I know is my great grandparents slept in a tee-pee. I have the luxury suite at the Turning Stone Casino.” - Chief Counting Coin of the Oneida Indian Tribe in response to Katie Couric’s question about the treachery committed against his people by the white man after the first Thanksgiving.

“Before you go out and buy that Butterball for your Thanksgiving Day feast remember this: turkey meat causes AIDS.” - PETA spokesman Gabe Layd.

“I’m not sure what Mr. Layd and his friends are doing to their turkeys, and I don’t believe I want to know. However, I can assure you that the worst thing that has happened to me after eating turkey is that I became very gassy and fell asleep during a conversation with my aunt Eleanor.” - Butterball Turkey spokesman Nick Mitchelson in response to Layd’s comment.

Saying “put up or shut up,” President Bush tonight challenged North Korea to try and reach San Francisco with one of the renegade country’s alleged missiles.

“I’m tired of all this bluster,” Bush told the White House Press Corps. “It’s time for that silly Quaffed Korean to Man-Up. Hell, I’ll send the little fat boy the coordinates of San Francisco. Honestly, I don’t think he can hit the freaking Pacific Ocean, so I’m not really worried.”

President Bush also suggested that Kim Jong-Il was an obsessive masturbator and that there was some evidence to suggest that his “mama was a llama.” He went on to say the mayor of San Francisco was a card-carrying member of the “If It’s Korean, it’s Krap” organization.

Riding a wave of popular support on the heels of his successful reintroduction of the “pompadour” hairstyle back into popular culture, U.S. Representative Charles Rangel is at it again. The New York-based Rangel has recently gone on the record as saying that he would like to see the draft reinstated as a means of preventing Republicans from launching, in his opinion, ill-conceived wars.

“This administration brought our country to war on the flimsiest of evidence,” Rangel opined. “Maybe they won’t be so quick to do so the next time if they have even more troops at their disposal.”

Rangel notes that his “more troops-less war” brainstorm is merely the beginning in a long line of future initiatives. The new chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee also has some very heady plans to deal with many of the other major issues of the day.

Some of the issues to be tackled, along with Rangel’s proposed solutions, include:

• pedophilia- “trench-coat & Skittles” schoolyard handouts
• childhood obesity- the “Stephen Hawking Fantasy Basketball Camp”
• global warming- “Campfires Across America”
• amotivational syndrome- a basement-to-basement, marijuana and pizza give-away program

A GOP spokesman did not have a specific response to any of Rangel’s proposals, but did say that he “always enjoys when Charlie gets in front of a microphone.”

Following is a transcript of the Cruise/Holmes wedding ceremony, exclusive to TNOYF.

Fellow Beings, we are gathered together here in the presence of the Supreme Being, with the required three cats, 2 combs, and one unopened jar of raspberry preserves, to join together these two life forms in an ectoplasmic union that will bring equilibrium to the time space continuum and the Ph balance in the soil surrounding the remains of L. Ron Hubbard. Before we begin, if any person can show just cause why these two may not be existentially fused – let them indicate their opposition with the customary wing flap of the grieving pelican.

Marriage is the fusion of man and woman in an arc triangle of interdependent understanding.  It is also the only way to keep our spleens functioning properly.  But most importantly, marriage is a commitment where by Tom and Katie agree
to embrace the dream of Scientology through regular attendance at our Advanced Cleaning Courses, as well as listening closely to their Grape Nuts for the secret messages from Xenu.

Tom, do you take Katie to be your loving avatar? To respect her, and not use your super human power of invisibility to deceive her? Do you promise to rid her of thetans, and provide weekly trips to the Mother Ship for re-programming?

And Katie, do you take Tom to be your supreme being? To bear him psychologically-sound offspring?  Do you promise to bear no resentment against him for your parents, who at this moment, in a room nearby, are reaching higher levels of understanding thanks to the Electropsychometer?

I now pronounce you a conjoined life form. You may meld.

Toys for Tots, part of the Marine Corps Reserves, has reversed direction and opted to accept a donation of talking Jesus dolls from a California company after initially rejecting the offer.

Bill Grein, vice president of the Quantico-based Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, explained away his initial refusal by saying that he did not want to risk offending a Jewish or Muslim family if they received a Jesus doll.

“The more I thought it through, the more I realized that I was just being silly,” said a somewhat contrite Grein. “We’ve already tested the dolls in non-Christian homes and the results have been extremely positive.

The Jewish kids treat them well and even pretend that they can perform miracles. And the Muslim kids! Our initial research shows that on average, each one of them is 375% more physically active since receiving the talking Jesus doll! Granted, they do need to be careful where they throw those stones. And they really should have more supervision when using fire, but at least they aren’t playing video games. And the signs that they and their friends make? Very creative. The protests they come up with are so real if you didn’t know better you’d swear you were in downtown Beirut. Good-bye couch potatoes, hello healthy kids.”

Representatives for Toys For Tots have not responded, as this goes to print, to a TNOYF offer to donate Islamic Rage Boy merchandise. 

Editors Note: Be watching for TNOYF’s exclusive line of Islamic Rage Boy merchandise which will be available very soon. Seriously.

The shocking news that O.J. Simpson is going public with a book and interview about how he could have hypothetically killed Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman in 1995 has drawn scorn and revulsion from many who are convinced the former football star is benefitting financially from a murder he actually did commit.

And in another strange twist, TNOYF has learned that a prisoner at the California State Penetentiary, Cletis Tallywhacker, is penning a short novela about how he would have hypothetically raped O.J. Simpson if he had been his hypothetical cellmate.

Simpson’s Novel is titled If I Did It  while Tallywhacker’s book is called If I Could Get Me Some Hall Of Fame Running Back Booty.

According to prison officials, Tallywhacker has long been obsessed with Simpson, and killed several other prisoners in rage when O.J. was acquitted and his hopes for intimacy with him were dashed.  They are hoping that the book is an outlet.

“There’s no harm in our prisoners playing out their fantasies in writing,” said Prison Warden Hal Souder.  “And I’m thrilled that Mr. Tallywhacker has accurately depicted our guards ignoring Mr. Simpson’s pleas for help.  Hypothetically, of course.”