Apparently encouraged by the successes they have enjoyed in the arena of political discourse via such sympathetic spokespeople as Michael J. Fox and Cindy Sheehan, Democratic officials have taken the notion a step further. TNOYF has learned that the DNC has found an individual with credentials so impeccable, so heart-wrenching, that even the most neo of neocons have reported wiping away a tear upon hearing her tale.

The object of the Democrat’s affection is none other than Shawnessithopia Eleanor Rodriguez who, for starters, is an openly gay displaced Katrina victim of tri-racial descent who lost quintuplets in Iraq. But Ms. Rodriguez brings much more to the table.

“She has everything we look for in a Democratic advocate,” said party spokesman Nelson Fitzwater. “HIV positive? Check. Homeless? Check. Atheist? Check. Left-handed, vegan, uninsured, senior citizen? Check, check, check and check. Cindy and Michael will always have a place in our party, but quite honestly there isn’t much of a need for them any longer. Shawnessithopia will truly allow us to streamline our services.”

Upon hearing the news, CNN, MSNBC and several other mainstream news networks announced a major shift in their programming.

“We’ve decided to go with 24-hour a day, 7-day a week all-Shawnessithopia programming,” stated ABC News producer James Pinkerton. “It will actually just be a picture of Ms. Rodriguez atop a list of her credentials while dirges play in the background. Think of it as a liberal ‘Yule Log’.”

For her part Cindy Sheehan has not taken the intrusion of, in her words, “this upstart spokes-skag” lying down. TNOYF has received reports that Ms. Sheehan is in the preliminary stages of adopting an entire AIDS-riddled African village and encouraging them to enlist for combat duty in the Army in an effort to boost her sagging moral authority quotient. 

The Mufti of Australia, Sheikh Taj Aldin al-Hilali, has taken a leave of absence from preaching after  collapsing and being taken to a local hospital for treatment. Al-Hilali has faced an onslaught of pressure to step down from his position after his recent comments regarding the treatment of women.

An al-Hilali spokesman noted that the sheikh has obtained a U.S. lawyer and that he expects a strategy that will mix the “alcoholic” defense with the “I am being persecuted because I am a Muslim” defense to be in place shortly.   

The combination of al-Hilali’s outspoken pro-rape views and his being in the care of a mostly female nursing staff, have led some in the cleric’s camp to question whether he will receive proper treatment while hospitalized.

Jean Blackwell, RN, head of the nursing staff at St. Mary’s Medical Center, attempts to allay these fears.

“The fact of the matter is that Sheikh al-Hilali will receive the same high level of care as everyone else who comes through the door here at St. Mary’s,” said Blackwell. “He is free to believe that women deserve to be raped just for showing some bare skin. He is entitled to think that men are supreme rulers over their wives, free to beat them when they become insubordinate. He is free to be as Jihadi as he wants to be. None of those beliefs will affect his treatment. He will still receive his thrice-daily bacon enemas. He will still have his Koran washed regularly in our hospital’s world-renowned toilets, and he will have a front row seat to the weekly oil wrestling matches between the Fosters Lager Girls. You have my word on this.”

The New Jersey Senate race between Tom Kean Jr (Republican) and Bob Menendez (Democrat) has featured some hard-hitting advertising that has left many potential voters befuddled as to the truth behind the claims.  In an effort to understand the messaging, the TNOYF research staff has spent the past week analyzing the volumes of communication that have hit NJ airwaves during this campaign.  Herewith, as a service to our Garden State TNOYF readers, we offer a brief distillation of what each campaign wants you to believe about their opponent.

Tom Kean, Jr.

Tom Kean starts each day by eating a poor person for breakfast, served to him by a stable of butlers and attendants.  Before his round of morning polo (in which the head of a homeless man from Camden is used for a ball), he spends a half hour in the Kean Family room, where he and his father reaffirm their ancestral connection to blue-blooded British types, who either owned slaves or coveted them.  If you are worried that Kean might try and bring back slavery, we will do absolutely nothing to allay your fears.

Not only does Tom Kean, Jr. not know what a gallon of milk costs, neither does his butler, who sub-contracts the job to a sub-butler who is chauffeured to the local grocery store.

Kean recently paid an exorbitant sum for a colon operation that made his gas smell like daisies.  When he is asked a difficult question by a reporter, he will silently break wind and ask, “My gosh.  Do you smell daisies?” as a diversion.

Bob Menendez

Bob Menendez is, in all likelihood, an illegal Mexican immigrant.  If he’s not, he knows some, or has smuggled some into the country during one of his many visits to drug cartels in Mexico.   

Menendez.  Say it with us.  Sounds like the guy who cuts your lawn, right?  Well, remember the week the authorities showed up at your house took Paco away, and the lawn went un-cut?  Now look at the picture of Bob Menendez and think of your overgrown lawn.  See the connection? 

Bob Menendez often looks uncomfortable during interviews because he’s got a baggy of heroin in his colon.  He’s been arrested so many times that the cops have to use special hand-cuffs that they call “Bob Bracelets,” otherwise he escapes and robs banks and eats more children.  Did we mention he likes to eat children?   Where did you think all those missing children went? 

Guest Editorial-

by Ike Turner

As you might imagine, I have been closely watching the Sheikh Taj el-Din al-Hilali case in Australia unfold with bated breath. Not only do the Sheikh and I share many similar views on ho’s, he also happens to have one of the most mackdaddyistic names that has ever been.

I have included the text of his statements and added a few thoughts of my own.

“When it comes to adultery, it’s 90 percent the woman’s responsibility (I feel this is a somewhat low estimate, but carry on). Why? Because a woman owns the weapon of seduction. It’s she who takes off her clothes (Um hmm), shortens them (Talk a little slower), flirts (Hey now), puts on make-up and powder (Careful, you’re gonna make the Ikeman cometh) and takes to the streets (What ?!? You must be crazy), God protect us, dallying (Sounds like somebody needs to keep his tricks in check). It’s she who shortens, raises and lowers. Then, it’s a look, a smile, a conversation, a greeting, a talk, a date, a meeting, a crime, then Long Bay jail. Then you get a judge, who has no mercy, and he gives you 65 years (Preach on).”

“But when it comes to this disaster, who started it? In his literature, writer al-Rafee says, if I came across a rape crime, I would discipline the man and order that the woman be jailed for life (”Discipline the man”?!?). Why would you do this, Rafee (Yeah Rafee, why?)? He said because if she had not left the meat uncovered, the cat wouldn’t have snatched it (Alright, you lost me here. I am all for blaming your trick for most everything, but when you start yapping about some nasty combination of bestiality and a deli-platter, you’re on your own).”

“If you get a kilo of meat, and you don’t put it in the fridge or in the pot or in the kitchen but you leave it on a plate in the backyard, and then you have a fight with the neighbour because his cats eat the meat, you’re crazy (I’m not sure I completely dig how you people roll). Isn’t this true (Hell no)?”

“If you take uncovered meat and put it on the street, on the pavement, in a garden, in a park, or in the backyard, without a cover and the cats eat it, then whose fault will it be, the cats, or the uncovered meat’s? The uncovered meat is the disaster. If the meat was covered the cats wouldn’t roam around it. If the meat is inside the fridge, they won’t get it (Look here. I’m about as kinky a son-of-a-bitch as you’ll ever find, but these “cat-meat” references are freakin’ me right the hell out).”

“If the woman is in her boudoir, in her house and if she’s wearing the veil and if she shows modesty, disasters don’t happen (Ike Turner’s Rule Number 127- If your bitch is kept inside the gate, another fella she cannot fellate).”

“Satan sees women as half his soldiers (Now you’re talking in my good ear again). You’re my messenger in necessity, Satan tells women you‘re my weapon to bring down any stubborn man (By “stubborn” you must mean “weak”). There are men that I fail with. But you’re the best of my weapons.”

“…The woman was behind Satan (I hope it was the standard four paces behind) playing a role when she disobeyed God and went out all dolled up and unveiled and made of herself palatable food that rakes and perverts would race for. She was the reason behind this sin taking place (I like the way you brought it back home here).”

U.S. Conservation Officers have begun rethinking their hippie preservation efforts of late. The program, which was started in the 1970’s in response to the disco craze, has been so wildly successful that an entire new generation has propagated to the point that they will likely be taken off of the endangered list in the near future. 

“The hippie population is at an all-time high,” said U.S. Conservation representative Adam Dillenbeck. “When we first started you’d find the odd one here or there. But now they’re all around us. You can’t go to a coffee house, college campus, or peace rally without stepping on one. This should free us up for conservation efforts involving non-activist judges, conservative professors and Republican newspaper editors.”

Dillenbeck answers critics who say that the hippies have overrun every area of the country by noting that “we have had great success at keeping them out of showers, intelligent dialogue, and the workforce altogether.”

“Repeat… I’ve got a clear line on CNN’s Senior Editor… request permission to take the shot. Pretty please. WIth sugar on top.” 

H/T Michelle Malkin. Help out our snipers here.

As many of you no doubt have heard, Cindy Sheehan apparently has something in common with roughly 100% of the other men who surf on-line; a proclivity for Internet pornography. As a well-funded Democratic Party representative, and a feisty go-getter by nature, it is only a matter of time before the “Peace Mom” works through her grief and starts shooting some films of her own.

Based on Ms. Sheehan’s past actions, our suggested movie titles follow: 

9. Sweaty She-male Protester Sluts

8. Sex Starved Vagitarian Tent-mates

7. The Fist Hunter

6. Horny Socialist Co-eds

5. The Tit Offensive

4. Party With The Piss Mom

3. The Wounded Puppy Party Palace

2. Patchouli Drenched Grief-mongers Unleashed

1. Third World Dictator Anal Debutantes

After plying a Verizon employee with whiskey, strippers, and an impressive array of Islamic Rage Boy merchandise, TNOYF has obtained a taped copy of the recently announced phone call between Elizabeth Edwards and Hillary Clinton.  Ms. Edwards was calling the New York Senator to apologize for a speech she made during her book tour in which she said that she was “happier” and “more joyful” than Ms. Clinton because of her decision to leave her career and stay home with her children. 

SFX: Phone Ringing/Picked Up

Hillary Clinton: “Speak.”

Elizabeth Edwards: “Oh, hi Hillary.  It’s Elizabeth Edwards.”

Hillary Clinton: “Oh, Saint Elizabeth.  Thanks for finding the time to call me amidst all your freaking joy.”

Elizabeth Edwards: “Uh, listen, Hillary.  I’m really sorry about-“

Hillary Clinton:  “Save it, fat girl.  No amount of apologizing is going to help you and that grinning ambulance chaser you call a husband. I mean, what the f*** were you thinking?  Did all that chemo make you lose your mind?”

Elizabeth Edwards: “Um, this is hard enough and-“

Hillary Clinton: “I’ll give you hard, you freaking Stepford wife. Hard is trying to be the first mother f**king bitch President. Hard is smiling at people all day when you’re fantasizing about biting their lips off. Hard is trying to act upset when your husband, the President, gets caught with his pants down, but you really don’t give a flying f**k because at the same time he was getting his salami serviced, you were under the skirt of your press secretary.  You wouldn’t know hard if it stood up in your soup and slapped that happy, joyous smile off your redneck face.”

Elizabeth Edwards: “Uh, yeah. Anyway, John asked me to tell you that he’s sorry as well and-“

Hillary Clinton:  “I’ll say he’s sorry. In fact, sorry doesn’t really scratch the surface of his pathetic ass.  You tell hubby that when he comes up with a more accurate description of JUST HOW FREAKING FEEBLE HE’S BECOME, TO GIVE HIS BITCH HILLARY A CALL.”

Elizabeth Edwards: “I will.”

Hillary Clinton: “You bet your large gelatinous ass you will.”

Elizabeth Edwards: “Well, I have to go.”

Hillary Clinton: “Oh, darn.  And I thought we were bonding so nicely. Bitch.”

SFX: Dial Tone

Willett Elementary principal Gaylene Heppe has recently banned “tag” and all other unsupervised “chasing” games out of fear of injury and hurt feelings to her students at the Attleboro, Massachusetts school.

“To be honest, I don’t like either the violence or the exclusionary nature of those kinds of games,” said Heppe. “Who wants to be ‘it’? What is ‘it’? To me ‘it’ is an offensive and dehumanizing characterization that will only lead to major psychological concerns later in life.”

Not all of the standard school yard games have been removed, however, you may be unlikely to recognize them in their new manifestations. These include:

• “Smear the Queer” which has been renamed “Assimilate the Differently Sexualized” and will now focus on understanding the differences and similarities between children with varied sexual proclivities.
• “Dodgeball” which is now called “Chicken Feather Tickle-Time“, and involves neither dodging nor a ball.
• “Duck, Duck, Goose” which has been renamed “Conservative, Conservative, Jew” in an effort to be more ornithologically sensitive.
• “Ring-Around-The-Rosie” will remain basically the same, but a 2:1 social worker to child ratio must now be maintained at all times. School officials say this is to insure that children have an outlet to discuss fears of a painful, plague-riddled death that may emerge during play.

The changes are not limited to the schoolyard either. Heppe felt that bathroom procedures were “barbaric and hopelessly outdated” and has since launched several school-wide initiatives to address these issues. The new initiatives include:

• “Cooperative Urination Groups” to teach children, in Heppe’s words, “to help their neighbors while learning a valuable lesson about the different sizes, shapes and textures of everyone’s sexual organs.”
• “Sit While You Pee Day” for boys and “Stand, Lean and Leak Day” for girls to, as the school’s handbook notes, “give kids a taste of what it’s like to be a member of the opposite sex, but more importantly, to see that we are not so different after all.”

Update: After prolonged playground observation of “Assimilate the Differently Sexualized“, school officials are reporting that they will indeed be renaming it “Dodgeball“.

Thanks to: Stop The ACLU

President Bush’s recent interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopolous left some people with the notion that by accepting a comparison to the Tet Offensive in Vietnam, the President was therefore admitting that the United States is losing the war in Iraq. Since this was a blatant misrepresentation of what the President said, we decided to look for others.

Following are nine more statements that have been falsely attributed to President Bush:   

9. “Front row tickets to the Dixie Chick’s DC show, raspberry flavored Astroglide and a miniature Helen Thomas blow-up doll.” - In response to the question, “What’s in your pocket right now?”

8. “Most prized possession? That’d have to be my Six Feet Under: Collectors Edition box set.”

7. “I don’t think that Massachusetts elementary school went far enough with the banning of ‘tag’ and other ‘chasing’ games on the playground. So in response, I swear I will use my remaining time in office to push for a federal law that mandates that children from birth to twenty-one wear helmets, chest protectors and face masks 24/7.”      

6. “Unless they’ve actually gone through it, I don’t think anyone can truly appreciate the time, energy and skill that it takes for the federal government to pull off a job like 9/11 and then cover it up.”

5. (tie) “Hell yeah. I’d hit that.” - In response to the question, “Do you find Madeline Albright attractive?”

5. (tie) “Hitler? No. I’ve always seen myself more as a Stalin or a Gary Busey.” 

4. “I would rank President Chirac right up there at the top with Jimmy Carter for his willingness to take strong, principled and well-thought-out stands on the tough issues in the world.”

3. “I had a conference call with Santa Claus, Jesus and Spiderman last night. They all say I’m doing a great job.”

2. “Of course you’re right George. We do have Osama bin Laden in custody and we’ll be announcing it just before the elections.”

1. “Jenna, Barbara, I’m going to stick around a while longer but you girls go on and grab a ride home with Mr. Kennedy. Just make sure he takes the Woodrow Wilson Bridge; the view is spectacular this time of night.”

Ted Kennedy and some of his colleagues have come under fire for their behavior during the recent Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Judge Samuel Alito. Insiders tell us that some of Senator Kennedy’s statements were so over the top that at one point, Mrs. Alito burst into tears.

This caused us to wonder, what manner of comment is so strong, so offensive that it would drive someone to tears?

In Senator Kennedy’s case we believe the following statements could do just that:   

9. “NBC news is reporting tonight that there has been a major spill at the Dewar’s bottling plant.”

8. “I have some unbelievable news dear! Splash has developed the ability to speak! Now he can talk to us about all of those adventures you two have gone on. Isn’t this wonderful?”

7. “Senator, I know that you don’t normally take visitors this late in the evening, but there are several associates of Judge Alito here and they are quite enthusiastic about speaking with you.”

6. “A four-way? Yeah, keep dreaming ‘little’ brother. Bobby, Jack you fellas ready to go?”- Marilyn Monroe

5. “And in other news, Massachusetts has passed a law making it a dry state.”

4. “Honey, remember how concerned you were about the horrendous treatment minorities were receivng after Katrina? Well, I’ve invited a few hundred real live negro families to stay with us for awhile. You know, just til they get on their feet.”   

3. “I’m sorry Mr. Kennedy, but this particular strain is resistant to pennicillin.”

2. “Last call!”

1. “Senator, there’s a woman claiming to be the ghost of a Mary Jo something or other here to see you.”

Lynne Stewart, the feisty, firebrand, civil-rights-attorney-by-day, Manhattan-grandmother-by- night,  who is currently battling breast cancer after a lifetime of advocating for the poor and downtrodden*, received what many feel was a light sentence from U.S. District Judge John G. Koeltl yesterday.

Stewart was sentenced to 28 months (out of a possible 30 years) in prison for smuggling messages out of prison for World Trade Center bomber Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman.

“I knew we were up against it the first day we entered the courtroom and Judge Koeltl had the court stenographer in a burka,” said assistant U.S. attorney Wilson Sanders. “I was hoping we’d get a fair shake. All is not lost though. We still have several felony dental charges pending against Ms. Stewart and we also plan on prosecuting her for her reckless indifference to dozens of the city’s slovenly statutes.”

Stewart’s attorney says he plans to appeal the ruling on the grounds that “prison always causes her gout to flare up.”

*Editor’s note: We apologize if we missed any of Ms. Stewart’s descriptors. To double check our work, please feel free to visit Newsday, the small of Cindy Sheehan’s back, The New York Times, Sean Penn’s diary or Al Jazeera.