Former President Bill Clinton has urged Israeli citizens to “not overreact” to comments made by Iran’s newly elected president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. During the “World Without Zionism” conference in late October, Ahmadinejad told attendees that Israel is a “disgraceful blot” in the Middle East and that it deserved to be “wiped off the map.” 

“Truth be told, he didn’t mean anything by those statements,” said a spokesman for the cool and measured President of the World. “No need to have a nosebleed about it.”

Throughout the ages the Clinton family has taken a decidedly non-reactionary approach to potentially threatening situations with mixed results.

Some historical examples include:

• “Yon lions have neither the hunger nor the propensity to attack if left unprovoked.” - Clintonus Erectus, Roman Empire era statesman speaking to a group of Christians before they entered the Coliseum.
• “Nahh, Tupac. That whole ‘East Coast-West Coast Rap War’ junk ain’t even no thang. That’s just the white man playin’ with our heads. Now you go on out and have a good time.” - Bill “Pelvis Loco” Clinton to the late rapper Tupac Shakur.
• “Is she seaworthy? My friends not only is she seaworthy this little beauty is the ship that made the Kessell run in less than twelve parsecs!” - Rutger D. Clinton, famed “Travel Agent To The Titanic” to a group of perspective passengers.    
• “Your Generals don’t know what they’re talking about. A land war in Asia is a terrific idea!” - Thierry Clinton, adviser to Napoleon.
• “Those Earp’s ain’t spolin’ for a fight with you. You’re the Clanton brothers for God’s sake!Besides, it’s called the ‘OK Corral’, what could be more of a good omen? You boys git on down there now. Git I say.” - Josiah “The Snake” Clinton, Tombstone, Arizona politician.

In other news, the riots on Sesame Street have entered their second week as tens of unassimilated North African puppets continue to burn letters and destroy stockpiles of self-esteem.

Former Abu Ghraib detainee Mouayad Yasin Hassan has come forward recently to talk about his time in that controversial prison. Hassan was captured in Baghdad in 2004 and declared an “enemy combatant” by U.S. forces. Hassan claims that he was not able to contact a lawyer, assemble bombs or continue killing infidels for the entire year and a half of his imprisonment.

“It was horrible,” recalled a tearful Hassan. “The televisions in that hellhole only received basic cable, plus they were not of the flat-screen variety. What’s worse, they replayed a program called The View over and over and over. Why does that large woman feel the need to break into show-tunes at every opportunity?”   

Lawyers for Hassan plan to sue the United States government over the ordeal.

“You just can’t get that time back,” said Hassan’s ACLU-appointed attorney Drab Futar. “We will be suing for back-bombings, inability to inflict pain and suffering and loss of employment. Mr. Hassan’s former organization could not hold his position open, so now he is in quite a bind. How do you explain away that eighteen-month gap on his resume? It’s very difficult.”

(AP Photo/Hadi Mizban) 

Thanks to: Stop The ACLU & Dr. Sanity

This week’s dinner at the White House had an awkward moment when Islamic Rage Boy, disguised as Grammy-award winning performer Usher, broke into the dining room and cleaved off the head Afghan President Hamid Karzai.

Rage Boy was apparently angered by Karzai’s sampling of the bacon-wrapped water chestnuts.

After a brief pause, Pakistani President Musharaff continued to read aloud from his new book, “In the Line of Fire.”

Disco fans the world over have reacted with both caution and delight to a man claiming to be the legendary fourth Bee Gee. Earlier today the man, who goes by the name “Mahmoud Gibb”, called a press conference to announce his return to the Western World.

For his part, Gibbs claims that he was bartered away by his parents at an early age and sent to live in the Middle East.

“My parents were very poor and did not have enough money to take care of all of us,” said a somber Gibb. “And since I was the swarthiest looking one… I was traded to an Iranian lentil vendor in exchange for a sack of beans and three boxes of feathered hair.”

Through it all, Gibbs has remained surprisingly upbeat.

“I do not blame my folks. They did the best that they could. But after Maurice’s death in 2003, I knew I had to find a way out of Iran so that I could reunite with my brothers.”

Although separated from his better known brothers by a great many miles, Gibbs’ natural talent began to shine through and eventually took him to the heights of Iranian pop culture.

“After I cut ‘How Deep Is Your Shallow Grave?‘ things really took off for me,” Gibbs recalled. “Then the next thing I knew ‘Night Cleaver’ and  ‘If I Can’t Have You (Then By Saladin’s Sword No One Will Have You!)’ both hit big and I was a star.”

“Okey-dokey let’s take a look at what we have here Mr. …umm… oh here it is… Mr. Johansson. Well your permit to carry IED’s is in order. Good, good. Eight, nine, ten… looks like you caught the limit on human heads. Nice work too, that blonde is a real beauty. Unfortunately, I am going to have to ticket you for carrying a mutilated labia in an open container. I hate to be a stickler but the captain is really busting my balls about that. Have a good day sir.” (AFP/File/Paul Richards)

Emboldened by his recent interview with Chris Wallace, Bill Clinton agreed to sit down with our very own Islamic Rage Boy.

Things deteriorated quickly when Clinton tapped Islamic Rage Boy’s knee.  No one taps Islamic Rage Boy’s knee, particularly hedonistic ex-Presidents. 

Islamic Rage Boy was happy that he secured a piece of President Clinton’s nose for “The Nose On Your Face’s” collection.  However, we’re still trying to figure out what to do with the finger tip.

Having failed to capture or kill Osama Bin Laden after five years of trying, the Bush administration has recently taken up a different approach.

“We’ve tried bombing him out and we’ve tried offering enormous sums of money for his body- dead or alive,” said White House spokesman Barry Dingle. “Hell, the Clinton administration before us even tried the power of wishful thinking. None of these things worked. Now it’s time to play hardball.”

The “hardball” is a new campaign dubbed “Mock & Flaws” that seeks to push the Al Qaeda leader into revealing his whereabouts.

“Look, this guy is an egomaniac,” said Dingle. “He is so conceited that his organization doesn’t even follow the ‘q-u’ rule! Boy, if my third grade teacher Mrs. Sullivan was around to see this she’d give him the what-for. But I digress. My money says that a well orchestrated taunting campaign will get him to surface.”

The White House was not specific as to the details of the plan, but they did mention that the following tactics would be used:

• a carpet-mocking campaign
• precision guided “yo’ mama” jokes
• tactical deployment of “I had sex with________ (fill in the number) of your wives” stories

9. Voted in 2006 Democratic primary.

8. Left orders for his followers to work up a last minute decree stating that “anyone whose name rhymes with Fosama Tin Zaden” receives an extra 50 virgins upon his death.

7. His terrorist intramural basketball team has been trying to acquire a new center.

6. Did not send a fruit basket to Bill Clinton after his appearance on Fox.

5. There are reports that a Pakistani woman happened by his cave with exposed skin on her ankle and was actually not beaten, tortured and beheaded.

4. There is an even greater aroma of rotten flesh and feces than usual emanating from his cave.

3. Satan just placed his biggest Viagra order ever.

2. Just released a new album with Tupac.

1. There is a general sense of calm among northwestern Pakistani goat herds.

In an effort to find a presence to balance Rosie O’Donnell’s strong personality, producers of “The View” have recruited Islamic Rage Boy(C) to join the show effective immediately.

“We’re looking to mix it up,” said one show insider.  “We think Rage Boy will fit in well, and provide a much-needed Islamo-fascist male point of view.”

Rumors of tension on the set are exaggerated, according to the source.

“Look, Islamic Rage Boy keeps kidding Elizabeth Hasselbeck that he’s going to cut her spleen out and eat it in front of her.  It’s standard host to host ribbing.  We see it all the time.”

With the news that the war death toll in Iraq now equals the death toll from the 9/11 attacks came a warning that the next military death in the war will be of even more statistical significance.

“We’ve been dreading this next threshold,” said AP Reporter Jon Wussman, who has created computer formulas to determine the statistical significance of each death in Iraq so that he can create alarming headlines.  “I couldn’t sleep last night knowing it was coming.  But it’s coming.  We’ll have to find a way to deal.  The next death will be equal to the difference between the total number of dead from the Black Death, or Bubonic Plague, of the 14th century and the Irish Potato Famine of 1845-1849.”

“It’s statistics like these that bring home the true cost of the War in Iraq,” continued Wussman.  “It makes it hard for the government to trivialize human life when we put it in this staggering historical context.”

When asked what milestones were ahead, Wussman shivered.

“I can’t really tell you– that would ruin the headline.  But think Titanic, Pompeii and some square roots.”  

White House Correspondent Helen Thomas reportedly erupted in a startling orgy of joy yesterday when she saw the recreation of “Lucy,” a 3.3 million year old skeleton discovered in Ethiopia.

According to insiders who were able to decipher Ms. Thomas’ grunts and squeals, Lucy is the spitting image of a baby the famed reporter gave up for adoption when she was a teenager.

“I’ve never seen Helen quite like this,” said one anonymous colleague.  “She was squatting in her chair and pointing at her computer screen, yelling, ‘LUCY MY BABY! WE MUST RING THE BELLS! LUCY MY BABY!’  It was highly emotional.”

Colleagues tried to calm Ms. Thomas by stroking her hump, but nothing seemed to work.  She was finally sedated by Secret Service agents.

NASA admitted today that the objects discovered floating around the space shuttle were actually from the shuttle toilet, which had been recently emptied. The shuttle landing was delayed while astronauts struggled to determine the cause of the debris.

“It’s a bit embarrassing,” said Flight director Paul Dye. “We thought it might be something important like the landing gear, and turns out to be mainly astronaut poop.”

In addition to human waste, Dye said they had catalogued many other items that had found their way into space via the shuttle’s toilet:

1)     empty packets of Tang

2)     One used “Thruster Boy” condom

3)     A slightly soiled copy of Astronaut Quarterly

4)     A VHS copy of the movie “Gigli”

5)     A NASA cocktail napkin with the phone number of the Russian cosmonaut

6)     Several dozen Milky Way wrappers