It was reported on Wednesday afternoon that Israel rejected demands from U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan that that country “immediately lift it’s sea and air blockade of Lebanon and withdraw it’s forces once 5,000 international troops are deployed.”

Although Annan was rebuffed on his primary point, TNOYF has learned that it was actually the Secretary General’s insistence that Israel grant the right of “prima nocta” to Hezbollah members that may have actually soured the deal.

Israel Prime Minister Ehud Olmert graciously countered Annan’s impertinent exactions by offering a chair in the Secretary Generals name at Tel Aviv University.

Onlookers reported that Annan appeared “moved beyond words” and merely “stared with his mouth agape” when learning of the honor.

Thanks to: The Jawa Report, Stop The ACLU

Aruban Fisherman Feeling “Left Out” Because He Hasn’t Been Arrested In Natalie Holloway Case
By all appearances, Karl Vanderhoofenswagen is an unassuming fisherman on the island of Aruba.

He’s also the only male on the island who has not been arrested in connection with the disappearance of Natalee Holloway, who was last seen on May 30, 2005.

Vanderhoofenswagen says he’s miffed at being overlooked, and is considering filing a lawsuit demanding his arrest and questioning.

“This is a small island, and people talk. I hear the whispering. ‘Vanderhoofswagen wouldn’t hurt a fly. Vanderhoofswagen only likes fish and boys.’ Well, I’m not going to stand for it. I’m a man who’s quite capable of dangerous acts. Just the other day, I caught a bluefish that was an inch under the minimum size. What did I do? I kept him. I’m crazy as a loon sometimes.”

Aruban authorities remain adamant that Vanderhoofswagen is not a suspect.

“Mr. Sissywagen is currently not a person of interest,” said prosecutor Klaus von Clogdike. “We do not intend to arrest the girly-man at this time, despite the fact that he is the only male on Aruba we have not questioned. Or, perhaps I should say, ‘alleged’ male.”

H/T to Rocket Jones for the Tombstone Generator.

One year after Hurricane Katrina devastated much of the city of New Orleans, one man continues his  fight to resupply the area with the delicious Dutch brew that he feels will bring the city back to it’s glory days.

Many of you are likely familiar with the accompanying photograph of Bartholomew Jenkins taken during a post-Katrina (alleged) looting spree, however you may not be aware of Mr. Jenkins’ side of the story.

“It was a scary day for me,” reported a pensive Jenkins. “Katrina had just hit and people were freaking out. I saw a news report that said that along with the death and destruction, our Heineken reserves were at a dangerously low level. I know what Heiny means to this town. And even though I personally am a Colt .45 man, I knew I had to do something to help save the tourist industry. So I finished the rest of the human leg I was eating, I turned off the 72-inch plasma tv my friend had just given me, and I sprung into action.”

And spring he did. Although admittedly not a strong swimmer, Jenkins made his way up-river (past the Corps of Engineers who were hard at work flooding the town) to Alexandria where he found an intact cache of Heineken at Don Scammel’s abandoned beer distributorship. Jenkins took what he could carry (risking great personal injury by stuffing his pockets with bottles that he knew could break at any moment), and headed back to New Orleans. Jenkins modestly claims that he lost track of exactly how many times he made the trip during the following weeks, but suffice it to say that the shortage did not last.

“I knew we’d be able to settle up with Mr. Scammel later,” said Jenkins. “The important thing was getting the brewskis back to the Big Easy.”

One year later New Orleans continues the rebuilding process but Jenkins continues to hand deliver the beer just as he did when Katrina hit.

“It’s really just a ceremonially thing at this point,” said Jenkins. “But I think that it helps the morale of the city.”

Israel National News (INN) is reporting today that the terrorist group Hezbollah spends between $15-20 million a year on it’s propaganda filled television station, Al Manar. INN maintains that the station’s programming casts the Israeli people in a “vile and completely dishonest light” and that the shows “increase the likelihood of both hatred of and violence towards, the Israeli people.”

Not every Israeli agrees with INN, at least not completely.

“As despicable as the content is, it is very professionally done,” said Tel Aviv resident Ratzin Yabowitz. “To the untrained eye, it would actually appear that the average Israeli depicted on Al Manar does in fact have functional fangs and an insatiable thirst for Muslim blood. I’ll probably get in trouble for saying this, but I would have to count several of their shows, including ‘Yehuda Gilad: Ham-Handed Rabbi Proctologist‘ among my guilty pleasures in life.”

An Al Manar spokesman dismissed INN’s concerns stating simply that “our station’s programming merely reflects reality, however uncomfortable this may be for our Jewish friends to digest. And by ‘friends’ I mean sub-human pig-monkeys who do not deserve to exist in this life or any other and who should have their flesh rended from their skin in a painful, time consuming manner. Praise be to Allah.”   

A sampling of the station’s more controversial programming:

• Rabbi Shlomo’s Koran Defecation Variety Hour
• Ariel Sharon And The Horrible, Terrible Bacon Hummus Incident
• Matzoh: Convenient Desert Sustenance Or Unleavened Death Biscuits?
• Touched By A Rabbi

And the award winning After Mosque Special:

• Are You There Allah (You Taint Tickling Rectal Warrior)? It’s Me, Morasha

Visit the following links or I swear I’ll post another Hasselhoff picture.

Insanities

Comedy

Vanities

Crazy

Sunday Funnies anti-ACLU style

Top notch caption collection

Plus be sure to check out Discarded Lies for a great collection of articles on a variety of topics.

Fox News personality Greta Van Sustern died from what doctors are calling a “cranial fulmination” yesterday after a cruel hoax went horribly wrong. A spokesman for Van Sustern explains.

“I received a phone call from what seemed to be a very nice couple last night who said they had a hot news tip,” explained On The Record producer Jason Teague. “They identified themselves as the Dover’s; Ben and Eileen. The story they told was so pure, so wonderful that I should have seen it as a hoax. When I told Greta the details she began to tremble, her eyes opened very wide and she whispered ‘Oh dear lord. The prophecy has come true.’ Then she was… she was… gone.”

And what a story they told.

The couple claimed that they were calling from Michael Jackson’s Aruba-themed “Top Secret Toddler Slumber Party Extravaganza” which was being held just outside New Orleans where they were witnessing a hurricane rampaging through black neighborhoods while skipping over white areas as HIV positive sharks drove SUV’s through the flooded streets stopping only to eat the bodies of children who had been murdered after a local beauty pageant (where OJ Simpson and Robert Blake sprayed the crowd with Super Soaker’s loaded with the bird flu virus) and Whitney Houston was making love to Osama Bin Laden in the balcony.

Law enforcement officials have simultaneously debunked the Dover’s tale and launched a nationwide manhunt for the couple, but that comes as small comfort for Van Sustern’s former producer and friend.

“It was a rookie mistake on my part,” stated a visibly upset Teague. “And it cost Greta her life.”

Thanks to: Stop The ACLU, Pirate’s Cove

Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein complained to the judge during the second session of his trial on Monday that he had to walk up four flights of stairs because of a broken elevator in the courthouse. We here at TNOYF know how frustrating that can be.

We are also worried that Mr. Hussein is not getting a fair chance to have his cares heard. With that in mind, our Senior Middle Eastern Correspondent was able to acquire a list of Mr. Hussein’s concerns. Hopefully this will shed a little light on the other horrors that are being perpetrated behind closed doors.

9. (tie) I didn’t make the prison soccer team because of “political reasons.”

9. (tie) This prison doesn’t have a cool nickname like “Gitmo” or “The Rock.”

8. I haven’t received a care package from Kofi in months.

7. I’m not allowed to put up pictures from my Playboy: Girl’s of Mesopotamia issue.

6. (tie) That douchebag Sean Penn keeps coming by with his personal photographer.

6. (tie) The voting machines in here are rigged. No matter how many times they recounted the ballots, they kept insisting that I only received 1 vote for “President of The Prison”, not the 100% that I normally get when running for office.

5. No matter how much I insist on being addressed as “President Hussein” or “The True Iraqi President”, those smart-aleck American guards keep calling me things like “Captain Ass-Master” and “Your Royal Camelphile.”

4. (tie) They won’t give me a night light.

4. (tie) All of a sudden George Galloway won’t take my collect calls. 

3. That Ramsey Clark is a bit too anti-American for my tastes.

2. The rape rooms in this prison are way different, and far less enjoyable, than the ones I used to run.

1. I haven’t heard from those two ingrate sons of mine in years.

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Tom Cruise is pictured above forging a race of superhuman warriors from scratch in the “Hellfires of Permetheon”, Cruise’s Southern California retreat. The creatures, known as Hubbardonians, are being spawned by Cruise to do battle with Paramount Pictures and clear his name after that company unceremoniously severed ties with the actor over his alleged “bizarre and erratic behavior.”

9. Heard that mincing, attention-seeking pedophiles were receiving 10% off next week at all Boulder, Colorado area Applebee’s locations.

8. Fifty-eight stitches and countless ice packs later, Karr’s brief stay in a Thai prison taught him  that not all of the stereotypes about Asian men are true.

7. Has an interview for a teaching position at the new Neverland Ranch School.

6. Has an upcoming signing at Barnes & Noble for his new book “Lollipops, Puppies Or Dolls?: An In-Depth Study On The Best Way To Meet The Girl Of Your Dreams”.

5. Wants to open a Boulder branch of NAMGLA.

4. Is due to pick up a Lifetime Achievement Award from the ACLU.

3. Missed the heart-to-heart discussions he and Woody Allen used to have over which Spice Girl had the cutest baby pictures.

2. In his words, wants the chance to “beat off to The Little Mermaid without all of the f***ing sub-titles.” 

1. Has tickets for the new off-Broadway musical, “Mary Kate & Ashley: The Toddler Years“.

The “People We’d Like To Hold Under Water… Just For A Little While” segment has quickly become a regular feature on “The Buckley & Potfry Experiment” radio show (which by the way can be heard from 8-10 a.m. EST on Saturday mornings by going to Wide Awakes Radio- keep your eyes open for our new show website which will be coming soon). The winner from week two follows:

Potfry and I (actually Potfry made it up, I am just glomming on to his good idea) felt the show needed a segment that would capture, hopefully with the creative flair required of the Buckley and Potfry brand (TM inserted, used with permission, all rights reserved), the primitive hostility we often feel toward certain people. That primal, animalistic urge to render someone speechless, breathless, or on rare occasions, eye-less.

There have been several iterations of titles:

• People Who Need To Run With Scissors With Greater Frequency
• People Who Probably Conduct Electricity Very Nicely And We Should Test That Theory Really Freaking Soon
• People Who Should Be Forced To Run Across The African Savanna With A Wounded Baby Gazelle Jammed Up Their Ass
• People Who Need To Run With Scissors With Greater Frequency While Blindfolded And Chased By A Grizzly Bear Who Somebody Just Stuck In The Eye With A Fireplace Poker

We eventually settled on “People I’d Like to Hold Under Water…For Just A Little While” because of its sheer simplicity, and because both Potfry and I are familiar with water through our weekly bathing rituals.

So without further ado today’s winner is: the person in my city who decided that squirrels are so important that they are to be protected by law even if they gnaw their way into my attic and chew on my golf shoes.

Let me explain. I have a squirrel problem. They are all over my yard. I have squirrels that have chewed their way into my attic and set up shop. Once inside my attic- I believe this is called breaking and entering when a person does it, I’m not quite sure why these fat-tailed rats are above the law- they have used precious little discretion regarding what they chew on. Family heirlooms. My golf shoes. Furniture. My golf shoes. Baby toys. My golf shoes. You name it.

Now, I have asked them on multiple occasions to leave  but they just stick their tails up in the air in that condescending manner that they have and flitter away.

So I spoke with an exterminator I know and asked him about poisoning them. Not the real nasty kind of poison mind you, just the kind that will make them go to bed and never wake up from their little squirrel slumber. He told me that it is against the law to kill squirrels and that if I were discovered, I would face a stiff penalty.

I was fascinated by this. I walk into Home Depot and there are entire aisles dedicated to killing mice and rats. Hell, they even break the poisons down by rat genre. In all my years of school I never learned that there was such a thing as a Norway Rat- but one trip to the kill lane at the Home Depot and I now have that info firmly embedded in my mind. But it’s against the law to kill squirrels? How did this happen? Look, I have some samples of mouse and squirrel DNA right in front of me as we speak and I assure you, apart from the bushy tail gene, they are indistinguishable. 

How the hell do squirrels have the time, brains and capacity to organize to the point that they clearly have a stronger and better-organized lobbying presence than the rats and mice?

I smell a rat and this one ain’t Norwegian. And that is why I’d like to hold the person in my city who decided that squirrels are so important that they are to be protected by law even if they gnaw their way into my attic and chew on my golf shoes under water. But just for a little while.

A recurring feature on the Buckley and Potfry Radio Experiment (Saturday mornings, 8-10AM EST on Wide Awakes Radio) is the weekly acknowledgment of “People We’d Like to Hold Under Water.” Below is this week’s winner.
_______________________

It was a bit of a toss-up this week as I tried to decide what mealy-mouthed, sad excuse for a human, psycho nitwit I needed to hold under water and gaze at lovingly as they gasped their last breaths.

Dear listener, this is not an award that Buckley and I dispense willy-nilly. We spend hours filtering through candidates, drawing up pros and cons, and consulting with religious authorities.

This week, we had a tough decision. Let’s first introduce the runner-up:

Anna Digs Taylor, the District Court Judge who has ordered a halt to government wire tapping. Clearly, Ms. Digs-Taylor is a self-styled champion of personal freedom, and has seized on the opportunity to grab the limelight and, I’m sure, write a book. I only have one message for Ms. Digs-Taylor today: it’s comforting to know that when we’re all running around in a post-nuclear world, picking bugs off one another and barking at the moon, our freedom to make tin can phone calls to one another without surveillance will remain intact.

Yes, Ms. Digs-Taylor, you’ve overstepped your bounds in this world, and allowed your zeal to be a hero for the left to directly effect the safety of my children. For that, I’d like to hold you under water. But unfortunately, I’ll be busy drowning someone else this week.

The winner of this weeks People We’d Like to Hold Under Water is John Mark Carr, who slithered out from under a rock in Thailand and announced that he had sexually abused and killed Jon Benet Ramsey 10 years ago.

Mind you, I understand that it has not been confirmed that Mr. Carr did indeed kill Jon Benet Ramsey. But this is a meaningless issue in the voting. You see, in our book, the only thing worse than a child molestor-murderer with a weak chin is a publicity-seeking child molestor-murderer with a weak chin. Whether you actually did the deed or not is really not relevant. The fact that you want to be associated with it is enough for me. What say you, Buck?

Yes, the press tells me not to “Rush to Judgment,” that you might just be an opportunist. If I follow this line of thinking, does it mean that if we discover you actually didn’t kill Jon Benet Ramsey, we’re going to give you some walking around money, a fresh set of clothes, and busfare to the nearest playground? “Aw shucks, Mr. Carr, you really had us going there!”

No, I don’t think so. You were found in THAILAND, the Shangri-La of Pedofiles, where you can get guided tours of all the best places to get some young ass. You claim to have loved Jon Benet Ramsey so much that you drugged her and had sex with her and– whoops! sorry about your windpipe?

No, Mr. Carr. That is not the way it works. It’s bathtime.

Mike, a good friend and excellent writer, has started a blog called “Greetings from Suburbia.” Check it out, and drop him a note. Mike will also be helping Buckley and I out on our radio show.

Steve Greenthal (L), owner of “The Crew”, a collection of wax figures from the original Star Trek television series, shows his display to Richard Newman of Virginia, a member of the board of directors of “Star Trek New Voyages”, at the fifth annual Star Trek convention in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Both Greenthal and Newman have been pleased with the response to their respective projects at the convention and are planning to collaborate on a new endeavor that could see the partners actually viewing a real, live human vagina. The two men hope that the new project, entitled “That Space, The Final Frontier”, will be completed in Greenthal’s words “sometime before we die”.

(AFP/Getty Images/Ethan Miller)