A U.S. soldier holds up a picture of slain Al-Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi at his unit’s “show and tell” session earlier this week. While the presentation was met with an enthusiastic response from his fellow soldiers, the unit’s mascot, Hiram the Goat, brayed uncontrollably and cowered in fear until the picture was removed. 

Update: The Crush Liberalism Objective World News Service has much more on the topic.

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: Zarqawi, islamofascism, terrorism, Iraq, al qaeda, satire, humor

     Our sincere congratulations go out to the lads from the Irish National Yoga Team for winning first place at the recently completed “World Cup of Yoga”. In this exclusive photo taken from one of their training sessions, Keegan O’Shea (piss drunk at right) demonstrates the limp-bodied form that left the rest of the world in their collective wake. Meanwhile, Steven McGuiggan (piss drunk at left) quietly encourages his teammate.   

Thanks to: Point Five, Wizbang, Samantha Burns, Mudville

Outdoor Saunas
Hot Tubs
Bar Stools
Cedar Hot Tubs
Stools

Peace Mom Cindy Sheehan and her confederates at Code Pink recently announced that they will be “sponsoring a hunger strike” beginning on July 4th that is entitled “Troops Home Fast”. The strike is designed to pressure governmental officials who are not particularly concerned over whether or not Sheehan starves to death, into changing effective foreign policy over the fact that a semi-sane woman who can afford to skip several meals has finally decided to do just that.

“It’s really going to be something,” Sheehan joked. “Jodie’s making her famous ‘nothings-in-a-blanket’. We’ll laugh and tell stories… it’ll be just like the sleepover parties I always wanted to have when I was a little girl if only the other girls hadn’t shunned me.”

Sheehan’s planned protest is gaining momentum with endorsements and promises of support from such Hollywood Squares hopefuls as Dick Gregory and the girl who played Joey Lawrence’s sister’s best friend on Blossom.

However, Sheehan’s international street-cred really soared when she received a coveted endorsement from Mexico’s Manuel Uribe. Uribe is both loved and reviled throughout the United States for his uncanny ability to smuggle illegal aliens in his skin flaps. His bold defiance of American authorities has earned him the nickname, “El Robin Hood de los Flesh”. Thrice named Mexico’s “Teat Smuggler Del Ano“, Uribe vowed to cut his caloric intake to 12,000 a day to show his support.

TNOYF placed several calls to Code Pink to inquire as to what exactly would require sponsorship at a hunger strike, but there have been no responses as this article went to print. 

Thanks to: Mudville

The Nose On Your Face has learned that former Frasier co-star Moose the dog has died. Better known as Eddie, Frasier Crane’s playful canine companion on that hit television show, Moose enjoyed a long and successful career, albeit one twinged with tragedy. 

Scarred at an early age by a rolled up newspaper incident, Moose was never able to read the accolades that he earned from critics. After a mailman chase gone awry, Moose had his first run-in with Mace and realized that he was headed down the wrong path in life.

“Moose hit rock bottom after the macing,” said lifelong friend Todd Bridges. “He vowed to himself that he wouldn’t go the same route his father had gone. I still remember his words, he looked right at me and said ‘Todd, take that f***ing crack pipe out of your mouth I’m trying to talk to you!’ Then he said, ‘I want you to know that I will never be given to a nice family on a farm outside of town. I don’t care how much room they say there is for me to run, I’m not having it’. After that, he got his act together and the rest is history.” 

Moose did get his “act together” in a big way, landing a major role on Frasier and capturing the hearts of millions. However, he was never able to fully escape his demons.

“Ol’ Moosey loved to knock back a few drinks every now and again,” said friend and former drinking companion Gary Busey. “‘Scotch and soda was his poison. I’ve seen him suck down nine or ten drinks in a single night. That might not seem like a lot, but that’s between sixty-three and seventy to me and you. On top of that he was a caninizer of the first order. He loved the ladies and the ladies loved him right back. How the hell do you think he got the nickname ‘Moose’? You sure as hell don’t see any antlers on his head do you?”

Perhaps Moose’s life is best summed up by his ex-girlfriend Courtney Love, “He was a true gentleman. He was always respectful and funny, and he s*** on the floor way less than me. I’ll miss him.”

Thanks to: Point Five, Wizbang, Samantha Burns, TMH’s Bacon Bits, Uncooperative Blogger, Stuck on Stupid

Technorati tags: Moose the dog, Eddie the dog, Frasier, satire, humor

With a host of activists and celebrities planning “open-ended” hunger strikes this Fourth of July Weekend, Republicans have publicly scoffed at the maneuver as “rookie stuff” and quietly suggested that the anti-war movement should elevate their game if they really want results.

“Yeah, the notion of Cindy Sheehan and Sean Penn going hungry for a couple days really has us up nights,” said one Bush staffer derisively. “These guys have really got to step it up if they want to be taken seriously. They need to draw on the heritage of their 1960s anti-war predecessors. I’m pretty sure that if the bunch of them set themselves on fire, we’d take notice.”

Self-Immolation has been practiced as a means of protest throughout history, but was most common during the Vietnam War, when several Buddhist monks and American citizens burned themselves to death.

“If Cindy Sheehan, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn and Danny Glover were all simultaneously lit up like torches, we’d probably have the troops home in a couple weeks,” continued the staffer. “I mean, I can’t promise anything, but that sort of…demonstration of commitment…might get us to realize the error of our ways. Hell, if you threw in Barbra Streisand, we might roll back the tax cuts.”

New York Times reporter Erich Licthblau remains on a roll after his keen investigative skills have helped to locate three-year-old Timmy Durgin’s favorite “hide ‘n’ seek” spot. Acting on a tip “from a concerned inside source”, Licthblau revealed Durgin’s hiding place in today’s issue of the Times. The story, however, is not without controversy.

“We thought it was in the public’s best interest- as well as Timmy’s- that the hiding place be brought to light,” said Times managing editor Bill Keller. “Sure there were some half-hearted efforts from Katelyn Dyer and little Jacob Terwilliger to prevent the story from being run, but they are just kids. What do they know about playing and fun?” 

For his part, Durgin was quite upset over the revealing of his best hiding spot and called into question the motives of the leaker.

“Concerned inside source my ass,” Durgin responded. “It was Emily Pinkerton that ratted me out wasn’t it? That bitch has had it in for me ever since I peed my pants at her birthday party. Well I’ve got news for you Emily, my mom says that three juice boxes and a large cup of soda would push anybody’s bladder over the edge.”

Durgin went on to say that Ms. Pinkerton “will be in big trouble someday once I’ve developed the ability to think abstractly.”

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: New York Times, Bill Keller, terrorism, satire, humor, conservative

I’ve decided to do a joint radio show with Buckley from “The Nose on Your Face” on Saturday mornings beginning on July 8 (Time, TBD). The show will be broadcast from Wide Awakes Radio, a new, conservative on-line radio station that’s being launched this Fourth of July.

Buckley and I are playing with different format ideas, and welcome any suggestions or thoughts. Feel free to email me at potfry@aol.com, or post here.

A list of activists and celebrities who will participate in Code Pink’s “Troops Home Fast” this Fourth of July weekend surprisingly does not include the name of activist/movie director Michael Moore.

“Michael believes that his creative spirit requires constant sustenance,” said his agent in a prepared statement, “and that to weaken his creative spirit would be a great disservice to the anti-war movement. So while he’ll be with the fasters in spirit, in reality he’ll be having his annual pig roast.”

According to a Code Pink insider, however, the reason may be more about safety.

“Last time Michael fasted, it got ugly quick,” said the anonymous Code Pinker. “After about an hour he started to gnaw on Cindy Sheehan’s hand. We got him under control, until somebody noticed that Pinky, the Code Pink dog, was missing. We never proved anything, but…”

As the world waits for the North Korean missile test that could elevate tensions between the maverick nation and the United States to an all time high, sources in North Korea have admitted that the Beloved Leader, Kim Jong Il, has delayed the test so that he can watch Nickolodeon’s “Saved by the Bell” Marathon this weekend.

It’s been rumored, but not confirmed, that the North Korean leader has always felt a kinship with the character “Screech,” an awkward, gangly member of the cast who is a pariah among the women on the show.

“He’s got his “Screech” T-Shirt on, and he’s behind closed doors,” said one advisor. “Just a little while ago, I heard him yell, “SCREECH NEED TO LAY DOWN LAW IF HE WANT TO GET LAID! PRETTY BOYS ZACH AND SLATER NEED TO HAVE LEGS BROKEN AND FACES DISFIGURED! THEN LISA LOVE SCREECH LONG TIME!”

Their first round exit from the World Cup at the hands of Ghana still fresh in their minds, the U.S. Soccer team has taken comfort in the knowledge that their Ghana adversaries will be dead 20 years before they will at current life expectancy rates.

“It’s not better than a win, but we’ll take it,” said U.S. player Claudio Reyna. “We’ll be watching high-def DVDs of the loss with our grand kids long after those guys have starved to death, or been shot, or whatever it is they do to each other in Ghana.”

Several U.S. players did not miss the opportunity to remind their Ghana counterparts of this fact at the close of the game.

“‘Nice game, you’ll be dead in 20 years,’ was my standard greeting when we shook hands after the game,” said U.S. coach Bruce Arena. “They understood enough English to get my drift.”

Other comments heard from the Americans at the post-game handshake were “Good Luck with the Typhoid Fever” and “Don’t Get Eaten by a Lion.”

“Sure, the loss hurt,” continued Reyna. “But when you consider the recurrent drought in Ghana that is severely affecting agricultural activities, the relentless deforestation, overgrazing, soil erosion, the rampant poaching and habitat destruction that they have to deal with up until the day they are eaten alive by a gang of white-toothed shrews, well, the loss stings a bit less.”

The New York Time’s dynamic duo of Erich Licthblau and James Risen have struck gold yet again in their never ending quest to keep Americans well-informed. This time the reporters have managed to bring to light a formerly top-secret Bush administration program that has been used, without the consent of the NYT, to track the financial transactions of international terror groups via wire transfers.

“We are extremely proud of the story and are pleased to be doing our small part in the larger national security effort,” stated Eric Licthblau. “By national security I mean trying to take down Bush, who is the real danger to the American people, so that I can get a sweet book deal.”

Risen went on to say that he concurs with his companion that Bush is a far greater threat to the American people than “make-believe terrorist boogie-men”, and provides solid information to back his assertion.

“I have traveled from the first floor of the New York Times building to the top floor, stopping at every floor in between,” said Risen. “And without exception, everyone I talked to agrees that Bush is the real danger. And just so you know that I am not just some out of touch nutter who lives in a sheltered world here at the NYT, I went out and asked a broad strata of Americans who scares them the most and got the same results. From Berkeley to Burlington, from North San Francisco to West San Francisco from coffee shops to parent’s basements across this great nation, they all agreed: it’s Bush.”

Thanks to: Mudville, Basil

Technorati tags: Bush, NYT, New York Times, leak, terrorism, satire, humor, conservative

9. ” ”

8. “Former Abu Ghraib Detainee Releases Stirring Autobiography, ‘Pork Facials, Naked Twister & A Wrongly Accused Man: How Being In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time Scarred This Innocent Muslim For Life’ ”

7. “USA Long-shot To Qualify For Second Round Of World Cup 2006, Bush’s Anti-Soccer Policies To Blame”

6. ” ”

5. “Pirates Of The Caribbean II Set To Open Against Bush Administration’s Protests”

4. (tie) ” ”

4. (tie) ” ”

3. “After Over 5 Years In Office, Bush Still Refusing To Release Dental Records”

2. “Saddam’s Lawyer Killed, Bush Unable To Account For His Whereabouts”

1. ” ”

Non-MSM WMD coverage here: Michelle Malkin, Hot Air, Captain’s Quarters, Riehl World View, MVRWC, Junk Yard Blog, Mensa Barbie, Gateway Pundit, Expose The Left    

Technorati tags: WMD, weapons of mass destruction, Iraq, Saddam Hussein, Bush, humor, satire, conservative, World Cup

An upstate NY goat has come forward with the shocking claim that he was with Fawaz al-Nashmi, a Saudi national killed in 2002 by Saudi police, the night before the 9-11 attacks in 2001.

If true, the story corroborates Al Quaeda’s claim yesterday that al-Nashmi was, indeed, the planned 20th hijacker.

The goat’s farmer brought the 4 year old Alpine Buck to local police when the goat broke down while reading news accounts of al-Nashiri in newspapers that had been strewn in his pen. The story he told left FBI agents convinced that not only was al-Nashmi the 20th hijacker, he was also an incredible goat lover.

“He got to this goat quickly,” said an FBI agent who asked not to be identified. “The poor Buck has been heartbroken for nearly five years. The relationship was so deep and intense that al-Nashmi overslept in the hayloft the morning of 9-11.”

Promising to return but cursing in Arabic, al-Nashmi fled the farm and was never heard from again.

The goat, who has asked not to be identified, was left to pick up the pieces.