9. Damn that hurts! How the hell does Mike Tyson deal with this stuff on a regular basis?

8. Arrrrrgggghhhh!!!!!

7. When I tell my Womyn’s Studies teacher about this she is going to be pissed!

6. Keep your rosaries off of my ovaries! Keep your rosaries… what’s that? Oh. My bad. No war for oil! No war for oil!

5. This better wear off before my ultimate frisbee game tonight.

4. What a day! I finished my freshman year of college, turned 36 and got pepper sprayed at an anti-war rally! Chalk up a trifecta for the kid! Woo-hoo!

3. If this pepper spray leaves stains all over the furniture in my parent’s basement someone is going to be in big trouble

2. Hey wait a minute! This isn’t patchouli oil! Not cool bro.

1. This stings more than when I went pee after that threesome with Revelation and Solstice.

Thanks to: Mudville, Point Five, Samantha Burns, Wizbang

Technorati tags: pepper spray, anti-war protest, hippies, conservative, satire, humor, Iraq, war

Barry Bonds, (pictured at left being led off the field by his personal trainer), breathed new life into the baseball world this past Sunday when he hit his 715th major league home run and in the process moved into second place on the all-time list surpassing the legendary Babe Ruth and now trailing only Hank Aaron.

Dogged for years by accusations of steroid use, what should have been a moment of redemption for the San Francisco Giant ended in tragedy when during a victory lap Bonds sprained his right hind leg and will reportedly have to be put down.

In a related matter, while Harry Reid did in fact pay to attend this historic game, he did admit to having all of his Cracker Jacks and ballpark franks “comped“.

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: Harry Reid, Barry Bonds, Babe Ruth,715, home runs, baseball, satire, humor

Below is the full text of Al Qaeda number two man Ayman al Zawahiri’s recent State of the Jihad address:

“Good evening and thank you all for coming out tonight. No one knows better than I how treacherous the walkways leading to an Afghan cave can be on a snowy December evening. Well, perhaps Ahmed knows. Allah praise his soul.

Anyhow, just a few housekeeping items before I begin. If you need to use the little Jihadi’s room, go out the front of the cave and to the steep mountain slope on the left. Please don’t forget the rule: if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown kick it down. Also, there are refreshments in the back underneath the torch. Osama made his famous Jews-in-a-blanket, be sure to try one if you haven’t already.

As you all know, we have many jihads going on at this time. So many jihads that it has become most difficult to keep track of them all. Time will not allow a full report on every one, however, I will give you a brief update on each followed by a question and answer session.

Afghanistan. We have achieved total victory. The Americans have been expelled and the country is once again ours.

Iraq. Our brave holy warriors are thrusting their heads behind infidel bullets faster than their vile factories can manufacture them. Our intelligence shows that their supplies of ammunition will be exhausted long before we run out of jihadists. Furthermore, we have the full support of our Iraqi brethren. Here too the outcome is not in doubt. 

France. I hate to bore you with statistics, but just bear with me for a moment. Number of cars in France in December 2004- 37 million. Number of cars today- 14 million. Powerful stuff. You are making a difference. 

New Orleans. Our ‘Religion of Peace Hurricane-o-matic’ machine laid waste to this morally bankrupt city gloriously killing scores of infidels.

Spain. What else needs to be said about Spain? They are the France of the new millennium.

That about covers it. We have some time for questions if anyone has any. Yes, you by the extra long stalactite.”

Audience member: “Thank you sir. I do not mean any disrespect, but you say that we have achieved total victory and that the Americans have been expelled from Afghanistan. However, in order to avoid the American soldiers on the way here tonight I was forced to dress as a mountain goat and climb… hey let go of me! Where are you taking me?!?”

Zawahiri: “Any other questions? Anyone? No? Then thank you all once again, and watch your step on the way out.” 

Tonight, I sit on my front porch, listening to the sprinkler’s gentle patter, the flag fluttering softly on a late May breeze. I have a cigar, my dog, and a comfortable hammock. Inside, my family is safe– the girls tucked in for the night, my wife watching television.

I realize it’s daytime now in Iraq, where men and women of my country numbering in the hundreds of thousands, do work that I have chosen not to do. Granted, I will be 40 next week, but if I told you that I’d have enlisted at the age of 25, I’d probably be lying. This is a simple, undeniable truth. I’d like to fancy myself a man of great physical courage and bravery, but I can’t promise that this would be true.

So I listen to my sprinkler while men and women of my country listen to gunfire, people screaming in foreign tongues, and assorted other sounds that I can’t imagine. And though they’ve never met me, they do this job for me, and for my family. It is a reality that makes me uncomfortable: I feel as if I the ship is sinking and I’ve been given a seat on the first lifeboat.

That there has been debate about the War in Iraq is an understatement. It has been a vicious, partisan argument, with accusations of corruption, treason, and disregard for human life. The men and women of my country who do the job in Iraq that I won’t do must hear this debate. I wonder what they think.

They know that the debate does not make the bullets fly any less true or the bombs explode with less shrapnel. It would have been nice, once the debate about Iraq surfaced, if all combatants agreed to use only fists to avoid unnecessary deaths while the true purpose of the war was being hashed out. But death is not impressed with controversy.

So, the tragic result of the debate is that the men and women of my country who do the job that I won’t do now face death with less clarity of purpose, less certainty of rightness. They’ve been sent to an away game without the cheerleading squad yet with the knowledge that half the school doesn’t care if they win, and might even secretly hope that they lose.

Shame on us, with our soft paper-pushing hands and our hammocks and sprinklers. We expect the men and women of this country who do the job that we won’t do to create a united front in a foreign land, when we can’t muster one here at home. Shame on those of us who think we can simultaneously question the very purpose of the war and still be supporting the men and women who do the job that we won’t do.

It is Memorial Day. Around this country, people remember soldiers who gave their lives for our way of life. It is a day that has new, monumental significance for the families of some 2,500 men and women who died in Iraq doing the job the rest of us wouldn’t do. As they struggle with incomprehensible grief, as they visit cemeteries, shame on us if they have even the slightest doubt as to the nobility of their sacrifice.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers, or so the saying goes. Tonight, I offer the prayers of one family for the men and women of our country who willingly put their lives on the line to ensure that the rest of us can debate, and listen to sprinklers.

Oversexed men the world over are breathing a collective sigh of relief today upon hearing the news that the FDA has preliminarily approved the use of Helen Thomas photographs for combating hyper-erectilism.

The Thomas photographs will fall under the classification of drugs known as “tool softeners” and may be available as an over the counter medication as early as this November.       

9. Test negative for any STD’s.

8. Walk into a nightclub, cafe, hut, or rain forest anywhere in the world and not run into someone or something she has had sex with.

7. Stop jamming Tonka Trucks up her ass every time the green light on a television camera goes on. 

6. Take some etiquette pointers from other celebrities with more class… like Paris Hilton or Courtney Love.

5. Have her handlers check for a “moose-knuckle” before letting her on-stage.

4. Vote Republican.

3. Stop being a whore.

2. Prevent her children from needing extensive therapy later in life.

1. Remove the “glory hole” from the bathroom of her tour bus.

Technorati tags: Madonna, whore, humor, satire,sex

In breaking news that is shaking the foundations of an already reeling Republican party, ABC News is reporting today that Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert may be involved in yet another scandal involving Native Americans.

ABC had reported earlier this week that Hastert is under federal investigation for his role in an extremely clever influence peddling scheme that was designed to block an Indian casino from being built that would have competed with neighboring casinos. The depths of Hastert’s deception were revealed when the casino was given the “ok” to be built.

This time around Hastert is facing charges that he used his influence with F-Troop commanders in the mid-1960’s to assure that the Hekawi Tribe never opened up a competing trading post near the fort.

Hastert has dismissed these charges as “ridiculous”, and stated that “F-Troop was only a tv show for Chrissakes!”. For their part, however, ABC is standing by the report. 

By all appearances, Karl Vanderhoofenswagen is an unassuming fisherman on the island of Aruba.

He’s also the only male on the island who has not been arrested in connection with the disappearance of Natalee Holloway, who was last seen on May 30, 2005.

Vanderhoofenswagen says he’s miffed at being overlooked, and is considering filing a lawsuit demanding his arrest and questioning.

“This is a small island, and people talk. I hear the whispering. ‘Vanderhoofswagen wouldn’t hurt a fly. Vanderhoofswagen only likes fish and boys.’ Well, I’m not going to stand for it. I’m a man who’s quite capable of dangerous acts. Just the other day, I caught a bluefish that was an inch under the minimum size. What did I do? I kept him. I’m crazy as a loon sometimes.”

Aruban authorities remain adamant that Vanderhoofswagen is not a suspect.

“Mr. Sissywagen is currently not a person of interest,” said prosecutor Klaus von Clogdike. “We do not intend to arrest the girly-man at this time, despite the fact that he is the only male on Aruba we have not questioned. Or, perhaps I should say, ‘alleged’ male.”

Last week’s USA Today poll addressing public perceptions of the NSA’s wire-tapping program has generated much discourse concerning poll methodologies and, more specifically, the manner in which polling questions are asked. At Potfry, we simply believe that the right questions aren’t being posed. In an effort to better understand the American psyche and how it sees the relationship between civil liberties and public safety, the Potfry editorial staff proposes the following poll be fielded immediately.

1. Do you believe that personal privacy should be protected in any situation?
1A. If “Yes,” consider the following hypothetical situation: Islamic Fundamentalists have kidnapped you and are planning to film your decapitation. As they sharpen their knives, they thank you for protecting their privacy, which allowed them to make dozens of phone calls planning your abduction. As you watch them set up the camera, do you:
1. Desperately try to convince the terrorists that you were on their side all along?
2. Wonder if a tapped call or two wouldn’t have hurt too much

2. Do you think the Bush administration has gone too far in restricting people’s civil liberties by tapping phone calls?
2A. If, for instance, a phone call was traced that revealed a rogue gang of Islamic fundamentalist thugs was planning to hijack your child’s school bus and drive it into a deep ravine, would you feel that the rights of the terrorists had been violated?

3. Do you believe that terrorists are plotting to attack the United States again?
3A. If “no,” do you remember the events of September 11, 2001?
3B. If “no,” are you (check all that apply)
1. Under 4 years of age
2. Recently released from long-term psychiatric care
3. Managing multiple internal voices on a daily basis

4. Do you feel that Osama Bin Laden is bent on the destruction of the United States?
4A. If “no,” do you (check all that apply)
1. feel the guy is just misunderstood
2. Is just a troubled lad who needs a good talking-to
3. Could probably fix his “issues” in a session or two with your psychotherapist

5. Do you fear the government will arrest you because they happened to track your call to the local tobacco shop, asking if they had Prince Albert in a can, and when they said “yes,” you said “Well, let him out!” and hung up giggling madly?
5A. If “Yes,” do you (check all that apply)
1. Read many Tom Clancy novels
2. Believe the government is hiding dead martians in a secret location
3. Think Elvis is planning a comeback

6. Hypothetical Situation: It’s 2007. The NSA’s program of call-tapping has been stopped by congressional intervention. Unfortunately, your water supply has been laced with cyanide by Islamic terrorists. As you and your family flop like fish on the kitchen floor, what are you thinking?
1. Thank God my calls weren’t tapped!
2. I could really go for a Chai Tea Latte right now
3. Shit, someone’s going to find my stash of Penthouse magazines and “special ocassion” doobies

In a departure from his recent stretch of model courtroom behavior, former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein launched into a scathing attack yesterday on author Dan Brown and director Ron Howard for their portrayal of the character Silas in the movie “The DaVinci Code” as a “murderous, hulking albino“.

Oddly enough Hussein, who is notorious for the murder rape and torture of tens of thousands of Iraqis during his tenure as that country’s president, has had a soft spot for albinos from a very young age. Every October while in office, Hussein would take time out from committing heinous crimes against humanity to run a “pigmentation drive” for those inflicted with albinism.

Even though he currently faces a host of horrendous charges, Hussein is still remembered fondly in the albino community as one of the true champions of their cause. (AP) 

Technorati tags: albino, protest, DaVinci Code, Ron Howard, Dan Brown, satire, humor, Saddam Hussein

Editorial- 

After watching events unfold on the season finale of “24” last night, I have several thoughts, comments and questions.

• Martha Logan gave new meaning to the phrase “take one for the team” last night when she seduced her husband in order to buy more time for Jack Bauer to commandeer Helicopter One and extract a confession from President Logan. This great a combination of deception, mental illness, unwanted sex and expected torture has not been seen since Mike Tyson and Bill Clinton double-dated with Margot Kidder and Margot Kidder in the mid-1990’s.
• Crank-calling Jack posing as his daughter Kim? Who was the f***ing agent that took this call? Whoever he is, he should be reassigned to guard the bullet hole in Christopher Henderson’s head. How did that call go? Chinese Agent: “Herro? This is Kim Bowel. I rove to speak to my most honoraburr father. Jack Bauer.” Agent: “Yes ma’am. I’ll go get him for you right away.” For that matter, why didn’t the Chinese go all-out and have Nina Meyers order a hundred pizzas to CTU in Jack’s name?
• Everyone knows that Jack is impervious to chloroform. He clearly has something up his sleeve.
• Whatever your thoughts were on U.S.-China relations before, the balance has now irreversibly shifted into our favor. The only remaining question is how Jack plans on killing 1.3 billion Chinese. He could opt for an all-out attack and take the entire nation out in one episode, but I think that this is unlikely as he’d just be hungry for more Chinese in the next hour. I think he will sign each China-man on as a back-up CTU agent thus ensuring… albeit slowly and steadily… that country’s ultimate demise and a steady supply of hits to the kill-counter.
• After an up and down season with regards to kills, Jack redeemed himself in my eyes last night aboard the submarine. The Russian he killed with the “CTU Steamer” to the face was possibly the best of the lot, although I was also enamored of the way he dispatched Vladimir Bierko with a “Star Jones Leg-lock” to the throat. And while the Christopher Henderson head shot was fairly standard for Jack, it was nonetheless beautiful in it’s simplicity. Bravo, Jack. Bravo.

Also: Right Wing Nuthouse & again

Thanks to: Mudville, Point Five, Wizbang, Samantha Burns

Technorati tags: 24, Jack Bauer, season finale, satire, humor

I think that I shall never see

A disorder the likes of ADH… you know, I should really check my e-mail.

If you look you’ll see that it’s hard to find

A bigger a drain on one person’s… my stats have probably jumped since I started writing this. I wonder if Instapundit got that article I sent him? HONEY! What’s for dinner?

A pox on your time, a scourge to your focus

To…   

Technorati tags: humor, ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Dear Buckley,

My sister has had a severe peanut allergy ever since childhood. It is so serious that if she is even in the same room with peanuts her eyes will swell shut and her throat will close. One time on the bus in grade school a kid in her class was teasing her and told her that he had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his backpack. Even though he was only kidding, she still had a seizure. She is coming to stay with me in a few weeks and she is asking that I remove any peanuts or peanut related products from the house and give it a thorough cleaning before she arrives. I love my sister and will do anything for her and I want to make sure that I don’t miss anything in my house that contains peanuts. My question is, do you know of any cleaning companies that specialize in peanut allergy related cleanings? 

Nuts In New Jersey

Dear Nuts,

While it’s obvious that you love your sister, if you truly want to help her you’ll stop enabling her by buying into the little “peanut allergy fantasy world” that she lives in. The problem is clearly in her head. I know tons of people who eat peanuts all the time and they’re fine. What you need to do is help her face her fear.

Here’s what you do. Grind up 10 pounds of peanuts until they make a fine powder. When she walks in the door yell “Surprise!”, throw the peanut dust in the air and push her to the ground. Pounce on her quickly and put her in a full-nelson before she has a chance to run away or seize up. Next… and this is the key part… do not let go no matter how much she screams or fights. Just hold her close and remain calm all the while telling her to repeat after you, “Peanuts are not the enemy. The enemy is my own mind.”

Let me know how you make out.

Dear Buckley,

I just read that Howard Dean used his influence to try and derail New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin’s re-election bid. Being that Dean is white and Nagin is black, does this make Dean a racist?

Color Me Confused In Colorado

Dear Color Me, 

Not even close. In fact it is impossible, scientifically speaking. You see, Howard Dean is a Democrat and racism is a strictly Republican trait. I don’t want to get into fancy biological speak, but suffice it to say that the racism gene can only be expressed by those on the right of the political spectrum. To the untrained eye some acts committed by Democrats may in fact look racist, but from a Mendelian perspective we know better.

The Nose On Your Face’s Senior Grief Mongering Correspondent has just received news that Cindy Sheehan has ended her long-standing vigil outside of President Bush’s Crawford Ranch. Mrs. Sheehan, who is best known for her foreign policy expertise, has opted to “confront the problem in an even more direct manner” by taking the fight to one Wile E. Coyote’s doorstep.

“That… that… ‘coyote’ is like, just another tool of this wicked administration,” Sheehan asserted. “I mean are we supposed to accept the fact that it’s okay for a predator like this to have nuclear weapons but it’s not okay for say, a road runner or a baby harp seal? Coyotes like Wile E. are already waging nuclear war on defenseless road runners every day. I believe the pictures taken by my undercover operatives speak for themselves.”

Sheehan went on to decry the “seamless ties and improprieties” that exist “between the Bush administration and mega-corporations such as ACME.”

The protest is expected to draw “some of the biggest names in the anti-war field.” However, due to limited cave-side seating Mrs. Sheehan recommends that you book your seats in advance through Ticketron.

In other news, Erin Moran of “Happy Days” fame is facing new charges that she never in fact “loved Chachi.”

Technorati tags: Cindy Sheehan, protest, anti-war, Bush, satire, humor, conservative

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