Dear President Ahmedinejad and people of Iran,

Maybe… just maybe mind you… you should rethink your outwardly bellicose stance towards America. Just a suggestion. Good luck whatever you decide.

Sincerely,

Uday and Qusay

P.S. When did you put Arlen Specter on the payroll?

Thanks to: Rusty, Six Meat Buffet, Mudville, Argghhh!

Technorati tags: Iran, nuclear weapons, Ahmedinejad, humor, satire, conservative

This following transcript is from a White House Press Corps briefing from earlier today. In it, outgoing Press Secretary Scott McClellan is brought to task for alleged presidential snack food improprieties:

Q: It has come to our attention that- and this is a very serious question- that the White House only serves potato chips to visitors. My question would be, is there a White House policy that precludes the inclusion of other kinds of delicious snack items being served at official White House functions?

Mr. McClellan: Never heard of such a thing. Why just the other weekend I attended the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt and found four different types of tasty little treats at the snack table. 

Q: Two part follow up. First, can you name the other “tasty treats” as you call them, that you claim were served? Because quite frankly, I was at that event and did not see any variety. And second, isn’t it in fact true that President Bush is in bed with the Big Potato Chip Industry and that he’s using his influence to drive business their way?

Mr. McClellan: Great questions. I’ll take them in order. If my memory serves there were some Rold’s Gold pretzels… we had some of that yummy Carmel Corn and I believe there were individual boxes of Cracker Jacks as well. As to your second question, the answer is “no”. While President Bush maintains friendships with many of the leaders of the junk food industry, he does not favor one particular type of snack over another.

Q: Oh you are so busted Scott! You only listed three snack items and earlier you said there were four!

Mr. McClellan: That was four including potato chips.

Q: Aha! So you admit that there were potato chips served at an official White House function!

Mr. McClellan: I never denied that potato chips were served. I merely responded to your question regarding the exclusion of other snack items. I think I was very clear.

Q: So you’ve eaten other snacks here besides potato chips?

Mr. McClellan: In here, yes, sure.

Q: Be that as it may, would you say that potato chips are in fact President Bush’s favorite comfort food?

Mr. McClellan: I don’t feel comfortable answering that for the president with all certainty, but I will say that he does enjoy potato chips from time to time.

Q: Interesting. Are you aware of the fact that Adolf Hitler was a potato chip lover?

Mr. McClellan: Excuse me?

Q: Hitler loved chips. It is a historical fact. And now you are telling me Bush loves chips. Let me ask you Scott: what conclusion would you draw from this?

Mr. McClellan: That you just might be clinically insane?

Q: Close, but no.

Mr. McClellan: I think that is all for today…

Q: Don’t dodge the question Scott!

Mr. McClellan: … thanks to you all for…

Q: Scott is it in fact true that President Bush is responsible for the monsters in my closet?

Mr. McClellan: … coming out and I hope…

Q: I won’t be ignored Scott.

End of transcript.

Thanks to: Mudville, Wizbang

Technorati tags: mainstream media, White House, Scott McClellan, humor, satire, Bush

Anti-War protesters across the country are complaining that skyrocketing gas prices are making it expensive for them to drive to protests against the “War for Oil” in Iraq.

“How are we supposed to protest this greedy war, driven by the insatiable American lust for low cost fuel, when it costs me 38 bucks to fill up my Pinto?” asked Cheryl Ann Kasper, as she absent-mindedly twiddled her nose ring. “Now I find myself shuttling back and forth between protests against high gas prices and protests against the war for Oil. I’m exhausted, and making rookie protester mistakes. Just the other day, I accidentally displayed my “CHEAP GAS NOW!” sign at an anti-War Protest. I didn’t realize what I’d done until the Young Republican counter protest had carried me off like a hero.”

Kasper was asked if increasing fuel cost might suggest that “War for Oil” is a misnomer.

“Mis-what?”

“Misnomer. A description that doesn’t, in truth, apply.”

“Hmm.”

“Need to kick it around a bit?”

“I’m thinking.”

“I know. We smell smoke.”

“Does Miss Nomer come to protests? Maybe we can ask her.”

“Maybe we can, Cheryl. Thanks for your time.”

Northern Mexican President George W. Bush listens intently as his Southern Mexican counterpart, Vicente Fox, demonstrates for reporters the size of the undocumented fish that got away.   

“Jihad, jihad, jihad. That’s all anyone ever wants to talk about is jihad. What about Abu and his hopes and dreams? These lungs were made for singing show-tunes, not for screaming ‘Death to Israel!‘ all the livelong day.”

Thanks to: Confederate Yankee (pic)

Technorati tags: Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, terrorism, Islamofascism, video, satire, humor, conservative

“The crown prince rejects a bevy of beautiful princesses, rebuffing each suitor until falling in love with a prince. The two marry, sealing the union with a kiss, and live happily ever after.”

The preceding passage comes from the gay fairy tale King & King that was read to a classroom of seven-year-olds in a Lexington, Massachusetts elementary school as part of a recent lesson on different types of weddings. The strong homosexual content of the book combined with the age of the children it was read to, has many parents up in arms.

“This isn’t about gay or straight,” said one visibly frustrated mother. “It’s about taking the choice of when and how to broach the issue of sexuality away from the parents. When a child has to deal with such things at too early of an age it can have a profound effect on them. I am still in therapy over the whole ‘Mr. Brady’ thing. If I wanted to teach my seven-year-old about gay sex I wouldn’t have canceled HBO.”

Attorneys for the district report that although the school is well within their rights with regard to the teaching materials being used, they nevertheless expect to receive further scrutiny over other books. Some of these include:

• The Little Gerbil That Could
• Tigger Gets The AIDS
• The Berenstein Bears And The Horrible, Terrible Fashion Faux Pas
• Fun With Felching!
• The Vagina Dialogues
• Bert & Ernie’s Honeymoon Adventure

Thanks to: Ace via Right Wing News, Mudville

Technorati tags: Joseph Estabrook Elementary , gay fairy tale, humor, satire, gay marriage, conservative

TERROR ALERT MATRIX TO INCLUDE NEW “CODE PINK” LEVEL
The Bush Administration today announced that they would expand the terror alert matrix to include a new “Code Pink” level that would be implemented once complete peace and harmony were achieved on Planet Earth.The move was clearly made out of respect for the efforts of the CodePink organization, a grassroots peace and social justice movement working to end the war in Iraq, stop new wars, redirect national resources into healthcare, education and other life-affirming activities, end playground bullying and competitive sports, and shorten the National Football League Schedule back to 10 games.

Homeland Security Chairman Michael Chertoff unveiled the new terror alert chart at a press conference in Washington.

“As we consider all the possible scenarios that may develop in the post 9-11 world, we felt it was time to include more optimistic possibilities as well. After much discussion, we felt that the vision of the Code Pink organization should be included on our alert chart. And, therefore, from this day forward, we solemnly vow: we will move to the CodePink designation once war is a thing of the past, Osama Bin Laden addresses a joint session of Congress, and any desire for material goods are renounced by every single human being on the planet.”

The announcement signified a clear softening of the administration toward the anti-war movement, and came as a surprise to many anti-war demonstrators and CodePink members, who believed that the Bush administration would continue its policy of virtually ignoring opposition groups that had continued to demonstrate in opposition to the war.

“This recognition is a long time coming,” said Jodie Evans, CodePink spokesperson. “It is certainly a step in the right direction by the Bush Administration. They are finally embracing the optimism and passion that only a uterus can provide. If not for Mama Sheehan’s leadership, we would not be here today to see this amazing step.”

Indeed, Cindy “Mama” Sheehan was overjoyed at the news.

“The Code Pink level is what we should all strive for as humans,” she said just before going on stage to give a speech in Boston. “But not until the United States ends its hostile occupation of Canada can we truly achieve complete bliss.”

9. The “gaying” of The Soprano’s.

8. Being on the same side of most issues as Ted Kennedy.

7. The fact that no two people spell Al Qaeda the same way.

6. That damp, achy feeling in your bones that comes with cave living.

5. When people keep using his likeness in poorly crafted videos even though he has been dead for over a year.

4. Placing bets through Charlie Sheen.

3. Being six and a half feet tall in a “five-foot cave” world.

2. (tie) Helen Thomas.

2. (tie) Goat “reach-arounds”.

1. When people ask him why he glues pubic hair onto his chin.

Thanks to: Mudville

• “Tom Cruise-style” Crazy
• Celebrities
• Satire
• Insanity
• Vanity
• Clueless
• Funny masters
• Sunday Funnies

“General Tso’s Chicken that’s chock full of kittens

Pleasuring myself wearing sandpaper mittens

A nail-gun to the groin and the pain that it brings

I’m not sure why I’m aroused by these things

Tasers on high mode and choke chains on poodles

When Gunther from shipping tries ticklin’ my noodle

Jeff Dahmer’s bio and when William Hung sings

I’m not sure why I’m aroused by these things

When a drifter fights

When my pee stings

Rosie O’Donnell’s touch

I’m getting excited just thinking of these things

I think I just said… too much.”

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Adding to the embarrassing string of gaffes that plagued the carefully choreographed U.S.-Chinese ceremony on the White House lawn, a Chinese Food deliveryman broke through security on a bicycle and presented Chinese President Hu Jintao with a greasy bag of Moo Goo Gai Pan.

The awkward moment followed several minutes of heckling by a Chinese Falungong protester, who was finally whisked away by security.

As President Hu Jintao stood incredulously, the deliveryman could be heard saying, “We make a Moo Goo Gai Pan special for you!”

Security grabbed the man and dragged him away, but not before he screamed “NO MSG!” several times.

In an attempt to break the awkward silence that followed, President Bush fished two fortune cookies out of the bag and presented one to the Chinese President with a challenge.

“Feeling lucky?” the President said.

Without waiting for a reply, Bush broke open his cookie and read it to the Chinese President.

“Man who walk through airport turnstile backwards going to Bangkok!”

As cameras clicked, the President slapped Jintao on the back and smiled.

A somewhat disgruntled Helen Thomas, (pictured at left next to her mate Mongo), is reportedly quite unhappy over President Bush’s selection of Jack Bauer as the new White House Press Secretary.

During a recent press conference that she held to discuss the matter, Thomas was quoted as saying both “pfffffttttt!!!!” and “woo-oo-oo-oo!!” in reference to the appointment. Thomas showed further displeasure with the decision by repeatedly banging her arms on the table and flinging fecal matter into the crowd.

Experts say that although they may seem extreme, the aforementioned behaviors are quite normal in mainstream media reporters during a Republican administration. 

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: White House Press Secretary, Jack Bauer, Helen Thomas, President Bush, Republican, conservative, mainstream media, satire, humor

Guest Editorial-

For all of you who may not be aware of it, there is a new report that was just released by the United Nations which asserts that Iraqi women, who were systematically raped, beaten, executed or some combination thereof under Saddam Hussein, are actually worse off today then they were under the former president’s regime.

I am here to say in the strongest possible terms that I concur with this report.

Although Mr. Hussein made some minor errors in judgment during his tenure as president, his treatment of his women-folk was not one of them. If a trick got out of line, he had to check her ass. If she popped off on a regular basis… well… a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

A fella has to keep his bitches in line or else s*** gets all out of whack. Case in point. In Iraq today you got women trying to walk right next to their men. Not ten paces back, right next to them. What’s more, they’re showing their faces in public. No black veils. No black burkas. Not even a black eye. Just nekkid faces. Where does this sort of behavior lead?    

I’ll tell you where it leads. It leads to women forgetting their place. It leads to women asking questions and getting jobs.

It leads to new schools being built. Schools that seek to fill the heads of sweet, innocent Iraqi girls with all sorts of fancy learning.

This sort of rubbish has no more place in Iraq then it does here in America and I thank the lord that the United Nations has both the courage and foresight to speak out against these injustices.

To all the Iraqi men I say “Keep your pimp-hands strong brothers!” As Iraq goes, so goes the rest of us.

Thanks to: Mudville, Point Five, Wizbang, Samantha Burns

Technorati tags: UN, United Nations, women’s rights, Ike Turner, humor, satire, conservative