Reports have recently surfaced that show that there has been an ongoing debate within the Bush administration regarding the term “Global War On Terror“. High ranking officials including General Richard Meyers and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had even begun using the term “Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism”.

However, in an address to the American Legislative Exchange Council yesterday the President made it quite clear that he will continue to use the original terminology.

The Nose On Your Face’s Senior Renaming Correspondent was able to obtain a copy of some of the other titles being bandied about in the White House in the weeks leading up to Bush’s speech. They range from the politically correct to the inflammatory. We will let you make up your mind as to which is which.

And so we present:

Top 9 Alternate Names For The War On Terror

9. The Crusades Part II: Revenge of the West 

8. The War To Steal Oil and Kill Anyone Different Than Me! Woo-ha-ha-ha! (Settle down libs- just kidding. GWB.)

7. The Minor Series of Disagreements with Our Middle Eastern Brethren

6. Whack ‘a’ Mullah

5. Global War On Terror N/A

4. The Big Misunderstanding in the Holy Land

3. Extreme Makeover: Islamofascist Edition

2. Knock, Knock, Knockin’ On Mecca’s Door

1. Pay-back’s A Motherf—-, Ain’t It?

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 9″ lists and other organizations “Top 10″ lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 9, theirs have 10. Way different.)

Technorati tags: Islamofascism, War On Terror, Middle East, Bush, conservative, republican, humor, satire, fake news

The British military announced today that they had air-dropped former hostages Norman Kembler, James Loony and Harmeet Singh Sooden into the Iraqi desert, just a week after their rescue from a house west of Baghdad. The men had been held by insurgents for four months.

Since their release, the three men, all from a Christian Peacemaker team, have spoken with deep admiration and respect for their captors, while not offering any degree of gratitiude to the British commandos who risked their lives to save them.

“We realize now that we made a huge mistake,” said Captain Ian Coates of the British Army, “and it was time to return these men to the people they love and respect.”

Coates wistfully related the story of how the former hostages were told of the decision to reunite them with their brethren in Iraq.

“To keep it a surprise, we used our commandos to gather the men in the middle of the night,” he said. “They were so surprised and excited that we needed to duct tape their mouths and tie them up. But there was no doubt that they were overjoyed to be returning to Iraq. Their eyes were as big as saucers, and Kembler even wet his jammies in excitement!”

The men were whisked by military jet back to a British Military base in Kuwait, and flown by helicopter into Iraq at dawn. Captain Coates struggled to keep his composure as he described the reunion.

“The air drop was a remarkable moment, something I was honored to see,” he said. “The men were writhing around, screaming and crying with joy. There wasn’t a dry eye in the helicopter as we rolled them out.”

The British Military was concerned that the men would not be picked up quickly, leaving them to wander in the dessert. So each man was given a bright red parachute emblazoned with one of the famed Danish Mohammed cartoons.

“The cartoons really did the trick,” said Captain Coates. “As they drifted downward, you could see the insurgents gathering to welcome them. Some had even set fires to help guide them as they landed. We could hear the chants of welcome even over the whir of the rotors. Did you ever see Born Free? It was like that, but better.”

Coates would not comment on reports that the three men were all wearing “Jesus Rules, Mohammed Drools” T-Shirts.

Health officials around the United States are reporting that a particularly virulent strain of Paris Hilton has emerged that is sure to be a wake-up call for venereal diseases worldwide. The new strain, scientifically known as paricoccus scatologivag, has already jumped from humans to Syphilis (pictured at left in happier times) and appears poised to make it’s way through the entire STD community.

“Hell yeah we’re scared,” said a Chlamydia representative. “If it can happen to the Syphilis gang it can happen to anyone. Right now we’re asking all Chlamydians to exercise extreme caution. We are suggesting that they stay away from Hollywood, New York City night clubs and the Kennedy compound. At least until doctors can get a grip on this thing.”

Experts are asking all STD’s to seek treatment if they display any of the following symptoms:

• Blonde lesions on your flagellum
• An excessive need for attention
• A burning sensation in your nucleus
• A marked decrease in sexual abstinence
• A general feeling of “skankiness” that is not better attributed to a case of Tara Reid or Courtney Love
• A deteriorating control of the English language

Doctors say that Paris Hilton is not fatal, but if left untreated may cause severe emotional and psychological distress for others around you.

Thanks to: Mudville, Samantha Burns

Technorati tags: Paris Hilton, satire, humor 

The Nose On Your Face was on the scene of the recent “dyslexic flag incident” at California’s Montebello High School, and what we discovered just might surprise you. The walkout/protest by that school’s students was purportedly over the proposed immigration bill that would make illegal immigration illegal, but there appears to be much more to the story.

We spoke with Montebello High student Rafael Dominguez (through a translator naturally) and he gave us his impressions on the reasons for the protest and flag inversion:    

9. “Some Palestinian students told us it would burn easier that way.”

8. “My old teacher, Jay Bennish, taught us that this was proper American flag management protocol.

7. “Protests are a great place to pick up loosely-moraled chiquitas who’ll let me play a little game of ‘Hit That Pinata’ if you know what I’m saying.”

6. “We wanted to give actual American citizens the catchy, anti-illegal immigration rallying cry of “Remember Montebello!”

5. (Untranslatable.)

4. “We were promised punch and nachos by some scary looking lady who kept talking about her dead son.” 

3. “I don’t know what the big deal is. We walk out every time they play that whack “Pledge of Allegiance” bull****.”

2. “Protest? I don’t know anything about a protest. I left because I heard Menudo was performing outside.”

1. “To get out of Old Man Sandusky’s bogus English As A Second Language class. Man, no one I know besides him even speaks English.”   

Thanks to: Mudville, OTB, Point Five, Wizbang!

Technorati tags: illegal immigration bill, California protests, protest, Mexicans, humor, satire, Jay Bennish, immigration

Hugo Chavez in Hiding As Women’s Prayer Group Vows to Carry Out Pat Robertson’s Assassination Decree
Security around Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been beefed up in recent days, as authorities have learned that he is the target of a gang of blue-haired Nebraskan women who have arrived in Venezuela to carry out the orders of evangelist Pat Robertson. Chavez is currently hiding out at at an undisclosed location, while the Lincoln Nebraska chapter of the Sunday Morning Sisters (SMS) is apparently roaming the Venezuelan mountains, planning their strike.

Authorities are just now piecing together the details of the Nebraska SMS group, who all went missing last Tuesday shortly after Robertson’s suggestion that the United States should assassinate the Venezuelan president. They believe the ring leader is Dorothy “the Rosary Queen” Figgins, who hosted bi-weekly prayer meetings of the group in her Lincoln, Nebraska living room and was a devoted member of Robertson’s 700 Club. Figgins was renowned in the community for her fire and brimstone diatribes against “heathen sinners,” as well as her rhubarb pie, which took home a blue ribbon at the Nebraska State Fair in 2005.

According to SMS members who did not make the journey to Venezuela due to Bingo commitments, the core members of SMS were gathered in Figgins’ home watching the 700 club when Robertson issued his decree.

“We all felt that if it wasn’t the exact Word of God, it was pretty darn close,” said Helen Johnson. “As soon as we could get everyone up off the sofa, we sprang into action. Unfortunately Mildred Arnold sprained her hip, so we decided to nap for a bit before trying again. We were going to do God’s work, and bag us some Venezuelan Heathen Ass!”

Police are desperately trying to track the group’s path. Their first break came when a Chevy Van belonging to group member Mayrose Nelson was ticketed for driving too slow on Interstate 50 in Texas. FBI and CIA agents descended on the area, and learned from eyewitnesses that a camouflage-clad group of old women had stopped at a Denny’s near Waco for an early bird special. The trail grew cold from there, and authorities notified Mexican police to be on the look out for group, presumed to be armed and dangerous.

You may recall Morgan Spurlock as the man who dined on nothing but McDonald’s food for an entire month while making the Oscar-nominated movie “Super Size Me”. And you may not be surprised to discover that since that time, Spurlock has parlayed his fame into a series of fairly profitable speaking engagements at high schools and colleges nationwide.

What you may not be aware of however, is the controversial content of some of Spurlock’s talks. The students and faculty of Hatboro-Horsham High School in suburban Philadelphia received a first-hand look at some of that content recently.

While addressing the crowd at the school’s health fair Spurlock joked about “the intelligence of McDonald’s employees, retarded kids in the back of the auditorium wearing helmets and teachers smoking pot in the balcony.”   

Spurlock defended his actions by pointing out that he gave school administrators ample warning about the message of his presentation.

“Frankly I was surprised about all the fuss,” stated a somewhat subdued Spurlock. “They clearly chose my ‘Evolutionary Stages Of A Public School Teacher’ talk. If they didn’t want that one there was an entire menu to choose from.”

The “menu” of speeches that Spurlock referred to includes the following:   

• Condoms: Safe, Responsible Way To Have Sex or Just A Major Boner-Kill?
• “Hey Everybody, Check Out The Kid With The Bad Acne In The Third Row!”
• Childhood Obesity: National Health Epidemic or Nature’s Way Of Culling The Herd?
• “Hey You, Stop Licking That Window!”: Morgan’s Guide To Disciplining Special Education Students On The School Bus
• “Okay, Who’s Gonna’ Give Up Some Stink-Stink After This Speech To An Oscar-Nominated Producer?”
• “You Brought It On Yourself, Wussy.”: Dealing With Bullying From A Victim’s Perspective
• “Is That A Big Mac In Your Pocket Or Did You Just S*** Your Pants?”

School officials declined to comment on the incident until after they have had an opportunity to further investigate Spurlocks claims.

Thanks to: Mudville, Don Surber

Technorati tags: Morgan Spurlock, humor, satire, Hatboro-Horsham High School, Philadelphia, Super Size Me

The “Mexican Street” has spoken, but do American lawmakers habla Espanol? Over the weekend more than 500,000 immigration rights advocates marched on downtown Los Angeles in protest of a Congressional plan to make illegal immigration illegal and to discourage them from building walls on the border. The demonstrations were peaceful for the most part, with protesters seemingly determined to put their best foot forward to the public.

“We are very good American citizens for you,” stated protester Rialto “The Garden Weasel” Sanchez through a translator. “We only come for job. We no make trouble. We learn all American customs. We say to Congress ‘no build this wall’, and we promise not to come across the border illegally… I mean undocumentedly… no mores.” 

Meanwhile as the protesters wound their way through the city, lawns in the greater Los Angeles area threatened to collectively collapse beneath the weight of a growing pile of unblown leaves. 

“We haven’t had a situation like this since the Refried Bean Epidemic of ‘97,” said one overly foliaged LA area homeowner. “I hope there is some sort of quick resolution to this matter.”

In a related story, a group of Middle Easterners who observed the march expressed outrage over the use of what they called the “defective American flags” that did not catch fire at any point during the demonstration.   

Thanks to: Mudville, Crush Liberalism, Demonrats, Conservative Cat

Technorati tags: illegal immigration, bush, immigration policy, border security, protests, march, humor, conservative, satire

Hollywood was abuzz yesterday with the news that actor Randy Quaid had filed suit against the filmmakers of “Brokeback Mountain,” claiming that he had been told that the movie was a documentary about the Heimlich Maneuver.

“Randy’s angry,” said his agent, Carl Smith. “Ang Lee told him that this was a PBS documentary about the Heimlich Maneuver, and how it saved countless cowboys during the 50s and 60s who were choking on Slim Jims.”

Fellow actor Heath Ledger said that he now better understands Quaid’s behavior on the set.

“We’d be in the middle of a love scene, and Randy would be yelling, ‘QUICK UPWARD THRUSTS! UNDER THE DIAPRAGM, HEATH!’ We just figured he was drinking.”

With the sentence handed down yesterday that Sgt. Michael J. Smith of Fort Lauderdale must serve 179 days in prison, many wondered about the consequences for the snarling dog the solder used to help relieve constipated Iraqi prisoners.

That issue was cleared up last night in a private session of the court, when it was revealed the dog would be adopted by ACLU Lawyer David Lane, who currently represents semi-notable liberals Ward Churchill and Jay Bennish.

At the reading of the terms the dog whined and defecated on the foot of the courtroom attendant restraining him. Observers say that it took several burly court officers and the promise of a wounded cat in the back room to calm the dog, who’s name will be changed from “Chomper” to “Steve” as part of the deal.

Lane will reportedly recondition “Steve” in Clockwork Orange fashion, strapping the canine down and forcing him to watch film of lazy rabbits posed seductively in dog food bowls, interspersed with quick cuts of plump, tender Iraqi forearms and calfs.

Editor’s Note: This post was written by TNOYF’s Senior Correspondent Robert Potfry. Be sure to visit Robert’s own site for more of his outstanding work.

Hamas Troop 447 recently entered the Guinness Book of World Records after completing a mind-boggling seventy-three hour session of “rub your tummy, pat your head.” Other than a number of reports of “feeling a bit chafed” after wards, troop members were in excellent spirits.

“We trained very hard to achieve the record, this is most exciting,” stated a visibly giddy Walid Balfour. “And the support we have received from people all around the world has been just phenomenal. Syrians, North Koreans and even Americans have sent gifts and letters. Where is San Francisco by the way?”

Showing yet another trace of a growing American influence, Troop 447 collectively responded to a reporters question of “What’s next for you guys?” with “We’re blowing up Disneyland!”

Update: Robert Byrd has offered up his secret technique for getting stubborn blood stains out of white sheets.

Technorati tags: Islamofascism, terrorism, Hamas, conservative satire, satire, humor, fake news, Islam

With the sentence handed down yesterday that Sgt. Michael J. Smith of Fort Lauderdale must serve 179 days in prison, many wondered about the consequences for the snarling dog the solder used to help relieve constipated Iraqi prisoners.

That issue was cleared up last night in a private session of the court, when it was revealed the dog would be adopted by ACLU Lawyer David Lane, who currently represents semi-notable liberals Ward Churchill and Jay Bennish.

At the reading of the terms the dog whined and and defecated on the foot of the courtroom attendant restraining him. Observers say that it took several burly court officers and the promise of a wounded cat in the back room to calm the dog, who’s name will be changed from “Chomper” to “Steve” as part of the deal.

Lane will reportedly recondition “Steve” in Clockwork Orange fashion, strapping the canine down and forcing him to watch film of lazy rabbits posed seductively in dog food bowls, interspersed with quick cuts of plump, tender Iraqi forearms and calfs.

The results of a long-term study of nursery school children in Berkeley, California have recently been released and the findings may surprise you.

Researchers Jack and Jeanne Block spent over twenty years studying the personality traits of Berkeley pre-schoolers and their findings suggest that whiny, insecure children grow up to be conservatives while self-confident, resilient, self-reliant children grow up to be liberals.

While we do not doubt the reliability of a Berkeley funded study of Berkeley children by Berkeley residents that casts conservatives in a negative light, we felt that there may have been some additional survey results that required more attention.

We did some more digging around and found that to be the case. Listed below are some of the unreported results form this study:    

9. Although no one has actually been able to say the words “self-confident, self-reliant, liberal” with a straight face, you can write them fairly easily.

8. 27% of Berkeley parents surveyed replied that it was “okay” to date children as young as nursery school while 24% felt kindergarten was an appropriate age for this rite of passage. The remaining 49% regularly “cruise Chuck E. Cheese for some strange.”

7. The next “poll” of any sort that most of the children in this survey will become familiar with is the pole they will be dancing around for a living thanks to the one-two combination of their Berkeley education and permissive liberal parenting. 

6. Outside of their more functional uses in Berkeley, gerbils make great pets too.

5. It is nearly impossible to differentiate whiny children from their parents via phone interviews.

4. Whining increases exponentially when there are more than two fathers in a Berkeley household.

3. “Conservative” in Berkeley is defined as a woman who will not have an abortion after the seventh month of pregnancy. 

2. Only in the American halls of academia could someone make an entire career out of studying the whining patterns of children.

1. With proper instruction, kids as young as 4-years of age are able to make rudimentary comparisons of President Bush to Adolf Hitler.

Thanks to: Don Surber, Point Five, Wizbang!, Samantha Burns , OTB & Mudville

More at: Michelle Malkin, The Volokh Conspiracy, Junk Yard Blog, Dr. Sanity,

Technorati tags: Berkeley, conservative, whiny, satire, humor

We reported yesterday about Monday night’s decision by Jack Bauer to double-cross an undercover German government operative in order to expedite a terror investigation. At that time we also predicted that a severe German response would be forthcoming.

Just moments ago we received word that the German offensive has begun and it looks to be a ruthless onslaught. As citizens of the United States (as well as members of the human race) we take no pleasure in being right on this matter.

“We were left with no alternative,” stated Hans von Schusskrieg, the German Minister of Unconventional Warfare. “Bauer, and by default the United States, has insulted the German people through his underhanded double-dealings. We have ways of handling such insolence.” 

Our sources are reporting that the first wave of attacks has begun and that the method being used is almost too terrible to comprehend.  Leaflets containing a photograph of David Hasselhoff clad only in a Chess King leather jacket and a 1980’s era, black, “banana hammock” are being air-dropped over major cities nationwide.

“This is what is known as the ’softening-up’ phase,” stated psy-ops expert General Harkin Buczek of the U.S. Marine Corps. “They’re banking on the fact that we’ll be so bedazzled by Hasselhoff’s ‘man-pretty’ that we won’t have the will to fight. The key is to not look at the picture at all. Not the thick, luxurious hair. Not the crisp, welcoming, white smile. None of it. Just look away.”

Update: San Francisco has fallen.

Update II: Vermont too.

Update III: And Massachusetts.

This article is cross-posted at the excellent Blogs4Bauer.

Thanks to: David Drake (for suggesting the “Hasselhoff Warning System”) & Mudville.

The 14 year old Florida student who had sex with his 25 year old teacher (inset) has reportedly been hospitalized with ligament damage in his wrist and arm from what doctors are calling, “excessive high-fives.”

“We’ve seen this once or twice before,” said Dr. Henry Madison, a specialist at Orlando General Hospital, “but mostly with athletes. This young man is in a considerable amount of pain, but I suspect it’s mitigated by the fact that he’s been bumping uglies with a 25 year old hottie.”

Doctors said that the constant impact of open palms on the young man’s hand, the result of repeated congratulatory greetings from other 14 year olds, had created broken veins, and that the ligaments along his forearm and in his elbow were stretched alarmingly. They are also concerned with the dopey grin on his face, but believe that will eventually go away.

The boys’ father talked briefly with reporters outside the hospital on the condition that his name not be used.

“I’m worried about him,” said the dad. “His arm hangs about three inches lower than it used to. But I guess that’s the price you pay when you’re a STRAPPING YOUNG BUCK! HOW BOUT THAT BOY! FRUIT OF MY LOINS, GETTIN HOT FOR TEACHER!”

Editorial-

Nice job Jack. You may have finally done it this time.

I am talking of course about last night’s double-crossing of the German undercover operative. German’s do not take kindly to insults Jack, and this one cannot be ignored as it occurred on international television.

You have one hour of live tv time a week. One. On Monday nights. Couldn’t you have screwed him over on a Tuesday or a Wednesday, or on a commercial break for that matter, to allow the Germans to save face? 

Oh I know you may have saved a few hundred thousand lives, but at what cost? You have to know that there will be a terrible price to pay for this. Or have you forgotten about the now infamous Hasselhoff Conflict of ‘98?   

I have already uploaded this information to your hand-held, but for the sake of our readers let me briefly refresh your memory:

• October 23, 1998- David Hasselfhoff’s new album, I Did It All For KITT, debuts in Germany to rave reviews.
• October 27, 1998- I Did It All For KITT is panned by a Chudsikstani music critic, severely damaging Germanic pride and causing an international incident.
• October 28, 1998- Germany declares war and by the end of the day, the country of Chudsikstan is no more.

Check your maps. It’s gone.

Jack, please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that you could not defeat Germany in an all out war. Obviously you could. Even if they were allied with Italy. Okay, especially if they were allied with Italy. The question is, do you really have the extra half hour to spare right now?

This article is cross-posted at the excellent Blogs4Bauer.

Thanks to: Mudville & Demonrats