Originally posted August, 2005

Like gnats to a dim light on a muggy summer night, they’ve begun to arrive in Crawford. Alone and in small groups, they have found their way to this place, moving slowly and deliberately, but driven by a higher calling, and blisters. What was once a small encampment of anti-war demonstrators is now a sprawling tent-city of sweaty romantic insurgents, singing, knitting, and practicing their golf swings in the hot Texas heat as they rage at everything, anything, and George W. Bush.

It is a gathering unlike any the world has seen, a teeming mass of disenchantment. Almost as one, they raise their heads and sniff the air, sensing the greater purpose, and the lack of adequate plumbing.

Oh yes, Cindy Sheehan. They are coming.

They are coming from all over, banjos slung across their backs and new J. Crew moccasins on their feet. They hear the seductive call of the sloth, the sweet cry of impracticality. They move toward it steadily, recalling the time before they worked for “the man,” and praying that someone would remember to Tivo “Desperate Housewives.”

Anger is the only credential for entry. Anger at the establishment, anger at people who wear fur, anger at corporations, anger at mimes. It is furious party, a self-righteous, indignant celebration. And they have come because of you, Cindy Sheehan. They, too, have changed their minds, decided that this opportunity should not pass.

At first, the word spread slowly. “Crawford” was whispered over 4 dollar lattes in coffee shops, text-messaged into Blackberrys, mouthed silently from behind the tinted windows of a BMW 7 Series with moon-roof, leather seats and night-vision goggles. You did not want to miss it, they cried gleefully. It would be just like Woodstock, only dustier.

Across this great republic, the roads are filled with men, women and children, lurching on toward Crawford. Some carry books of poetry and song, others carry espresso makers and GPS Satellite Navigation Systems. Doggedly, angrily, they moved toward the light in Crawford. Their soft, paper-pushing hands clench reflexively as they move.

On to Crawford, they cry, waking sleeping children and drawing gunfire from local farmers. To Crawford. There, they will rage together, at the government, at the rich, and because they forgot to bring their Loofah.

Oh yes, Cindy Sheehan, they will come.

Unless you have been living in a mountainside shack, cut off from the rest of civilization, you are certainly aware of the dreaded “Mad Cow Disease” and the potentially devastating effects it could have on human beings. We have been warned by scientists and politicians alike about this horrible malady but being the meat-loving nation that we are, most of those warnings have gone unheeded. 

Until this point many of us felt that Mad Cow Disease was something that only happened to other people in far away lands, not unlike our reaction to terrorism pre-9/11. However, similarly again to 9/11, when we witnessed events unfold in front of us on national television our collective feeling of safety was forever shaken.

Speaking at the Senate Confirmation Hearings on Judge Samuel Alito,  Senator Ted Kennedy lost his vaunted composure and launched into an uncharacteristic tirade that left those in attendance taken aback.

“Senator Kennedy displayed all of the classic signs of MCD,” stated noted epidemiologist Dr. Hamid Sarshar. “Illogical thought patterns, poorly modulated voice volume, a grandiose perception of ones own abilities and excessive drooling. These symptoms look very much like those associated with excessive alcohol consumption, and that in fact is the differential diagnosis in this case. However, there is no way a sitting U.S. Senator with all of the publicity that he receives would be able to consume enough alcohol to display these effects.”      

Editors Note: Video at Expose The Left (thanks for the pic).

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: Ted Kennedy, Samuel Alito, Supreme Court, Humor, Satire, Bush

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Since that time, we have had several concerns that have popped up that we asked Phin to help with. He has gotten back to us and resolved our problems extremely quickly each and every time.   

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Be sure to visit Phin & Sadie at their respective sites as well.

Jack Bauer Facts

“Delivering a steady diet of whoop-ass to Chuck Norris’ front door.”

In her potential bid to unseat Democrat Diane Feinstein in the California Senate primaries this June, anti-war protester and budding Marxist Cindy Sheehan has chosen “Americans Suck” as her campaign platform. The slogan is already being inscribed on buttons and posters, as the Peace Mom readies herself for what will likely be a closely contested primary.

The decision to use “Americans Suck” came after a good deal of extended debate among Sheehan and her inner circle, which includes Harry Bellafonte, Hugo Chavez, Jesse Jackson, and Sheehan’s friend Julie, described as her “traveling companion” (but more likely a frequent diner at the Sheehan “Y”, if you get our drift). “Americans Suck” rose to the top after careful consideration of several options:

Bring The Soldiers Home and Put Them in Jail!
U.S.A Out of Iraq, New Orleans and Canada Now!
Free Saddam Hussein!
This Country’s Not Worth Dying For!
Vote for Me or I’ll Camp on Your Lawn!
Sheehan said that she will run because Feinstein has not supported calls to bring home the U.S. troops in Iraq right away, in effect supporting the policies of the Bush Administration.

The comments sent the Feinstein camp scrambling.

“Hey, wait just a second,” said Feintein’s campaign manager Kam Kuwata. “We hate Bush too. Just the other day, Senator Feinstein said to me, ‘Man, is Bush dumb as a stump, or what?’ And, like Mrs. Sheehan, we believe George Bush is a war-mongering filth-spewing terrorist. In fact, Senator Feinstein wishes George Bush would die right now. I don’t think you’ll get THAT sort of commitment from Mrs. Sheehan.”

Editorial-

Trying to improve upon a classic is hard work. Coca-Cola learned this lesson the hard way with their ‘New Coke’ debacle, as did Paramount when they refused to leave a fine movie alone and remade The Bad News Bears. The new version of the all-time great television series I Love Lucy (renamed No Nos Gusta Bushie) is destined to follow these two down the swirling urinal of historical poor choices.

Set in the paradise of modern day Venezuela, we find Lucy and Ricky living as that country’s President and First Lady. Ricky has given up his famous nightclub act to preside over his adopted homeland and Lucy has caught the activism bug, spending her free time excoriating American President George W. Bush.

From episode to episode the setting changes (Lucy gives speeches all around the USA and Ricky does the same in various South American locales), but the dialog remains almost exactly the same. 

However, there are some bright spots. The casting of Jason Alexander in the role of ‘Fred’ is an inspired choice as is Danny Glover as the fictional, race-baiting, black civil rights activist Jerome Johnson.

All in all, No Nos Gusta Bushie is chock full of cliched characters, repetitive dialog and illogical story lines.

In the words of the original Ricky, this show’s creators have “some ’splaining to do.”

Thanks to: Mudville.

Technorati tags: Cindy Sheehan, Hugo Chavez, Bush, Venezuela, I Love Lucy, Satire, Humor

Two weeks after her statement that the House of Representatives was “run like a plantation,â�� New York senator Hillary Clinton received the coveted endorsement of 143-year-old Henry Washington, a Georgia man born on a plantation in 1863.

�Mr. Washington�s endorsement proves that Senator Clinton�s claim was accurate,� gushed Clinton Chief of Staff Tamara Luzzatto. �In fact, we took him to an open session of the House and he began singing religious hymns, and cowering when they banged the gavel. I mean, the guy tried to bale an intern. What more evidence do we need?�

�Missus Clinton gave me lime jello, so she�s A-OK in my book,� said Washington, who said he spends his days tending turnips, praying, and �fartin� dust.�

The endorsement was seen as a coup by the Clinton team, who felt that Mr. Washington�s backing might create a surge of support for the former first lady among retired plantation slaves.

Editor’s Note: This post was written by TNOYF’s Senior Correspondent Robert Potfry. Be sure to visit Robert’s own site for more of his outstanding work.

Two weeks after her statement that the House of Representatives was “run like a plantation,” New York senator Hillary Clinton received the coveted endorsement of 143 year old Henry Washington, a Georgia man born on a plantation in 1863.

“Mr. Washington’s endorsement proves that Senator Clinton’s claim was accurate,” gushed Clinton Chief of Staff Tamara Luzzatto. “In fact, we took him to an open session of the House and he began singing religious hymns, and cowering when they banged the gavel. I mean, the guy tried to bale an intern. What more evidence do we need?”

“Missus Clinton gave me lime jello, so she’s A-OK in my book,” said Washington, who said he spends his days tending turnips, praying, and “fartin’ dust.”

The endorsement was seen as a coup by the Clinton team, who felt that Mr. Washington’s backing might create a surge of support for the former first lady among retired plantation slaves.

I think that I shall never see

A liver like Ted Kennedy’s

Brave and resilient, a symbol of might

Whilst put to the test night after night

Twere it not for the strength of this filter within

He’d be yellower still than a Chiquita skin

No organ has ever been brutalized such

With the exception of course, of Slick Willie’s tusk

And maybe perhaps, that wondrous skin

That Michael Moore sports alone (but could fit 6 others in)

Formidable as well is the collective bum

Of Michael J’s underage Neverland chums

But pray we return to Ted’s hepatic mate

Which continues to grow at an alarming rate

It swells and inflates right up through his body

All while Ted repeats “Err-ahh, another scotch here hottie!”

The space is used up in the trunk of old Ted

His liver has begun to grow into his head!

How much cranial growth? The statement’s been made

That when out on the street people scream “Hey Kool Aid!”

Alas, through it all Ted remains quite aloof

Does he know that his bile is produced 90 proof?

As for all of us, we watch and we pray

That said liver will take over Ted’s brain someday

And if this occurs (let’s wish for the best!)

May it give his weary tongue a much needed rest.

Thanks to: Mudville.

The news that a senior Iranian official has threatened to shut down the Straits of Hormuz has unexpectedly caused quite a stir on college campuses throughout the United States. In recent years American students have been the subject of much criticism for their lack of knowledge and ill-informed views regarding world affairs, but that trend may be changing.

“Although it is under difficult circumstances, I must admit that it heartens me to hear that young people are taking an interest in important world events,” said veteran political analyst Daniel Belmont. “And not just in the knee-jerk ‘blame Bush-save the rain forests-Che rules-legalize pot’ sort of way.”

For Hamilton College junior Dylan Ferguson the threat from Mohammed-Nabi Rudaki, deputy chairman of the Iranian parliament’s National Security and Foreign Policy Commission, rings particularly close to home.

“I’m one-tenth Iranian on my mom’s life partner’s side and I have to say this is way not cool,” a visibly upset Ferguson stated. “If the strait is shut down, then where are we supposed to get quality chili from? And if they are successful then what’s to prevent them from blockading The Frito Mountains? The Sea of Snapple? Gumdrop Pass? These madmen must be stopped.”

Technorati tags: Iran, Straits of Hormuz, nuclear, satire, humor

The news that Saddam Hussein has filed a lawsuit against President Bush and Tony Blair has caused speculation that the former Iraqi dictator has been receiving counsel from either the editorial board of The New York Times, Joel Stein, or both.

“Cranial pork chop torture, destroying an ancient civilization, using WMD’s- it’s all in there,” said one Washington insider and veteran Times watcher referring directly to the suit. “Most damning though are the allegations of pollution to Iraqi air, water and the environment in general.

This could arouse both Greenpeace and PETA. Although these groups have large memberships, up until this point they have not been able to mobilize enough of them at any one point in time to make a large political impact. This could be the catalyst for just such a mobilization. We’ll be monitoring coffee houses and parent’s basements nationwide to check for any signs of mass motivation.”      

Thanks to: Mudville

Technorati tags: Saddam Hussein, lawsuit, Joel Stein, Satire, Humor, conservative

Thanks to some crucial intervention by the ACLU, Micheal Caviello a 17-year-old male high school student from New Jersey now has the right to wear a skirt to school, a right that the ACLU contended is guaranteed in the Constitution.

“Conservatives love to cite the portion of the Second Amendment that supposedly gives citizens the right to own firearms,” said ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “However, they conveniently forget to mention the part that says, and I quote, ‘the right of the boys to bare legs shall not be infringed’. I’m not sure how much clearer it could be.”

Although not explicitly written in to the ACLU’s agreement, adolescent experts tell us that the legal victory will likely include the following:

• The right for Caviello to be branded for life as the boy who fought for the right to wear a skirt to school.
• Intermittent to regular beatings by classmates.
• The strong likelihood that Caviello will become a civil rights attorney and thus never have to face the pressures of adulthood.

Editors Note: This was a production of Stop The ACLU Blogburst. If you would like to join us, please email Jay@stoptheaclu.com or GribbitR@gmail.com. You will be added to our mailing list and blogroll. Over 115 blogs already on-board.

Technorati tags: Michael Caviello, ACLU, skirt, satire, humor, conservative

Hollywood insiders have revealed that Bambi II, the much ballyhooed sequel to the American classic, does not stray far from the original emotional formula that touched the heart of millions.

As an example, it’s been leaked that Bambi’s dad, The Great Prince, is run down by an out-of-control cement truck at the 30 minute mark of the movie. That the cement truck comes out of nowhere as Bambi and his father frolic in the middle of the forest adds to the shock and anguish of the scene. Bambi is left a true orphan, contemplating his father’s mangled, twitching carcass as buzzards gather overhead.

“We thought about having him shot by a hunter, like Bambi’s Mom, but it felt trite,” said one studio insider who was close to the project. “We also considered having Bambi’s Dad contract HIV after a night of questionable decisions at a Deer/Elk Forest Mixer. But when someone suggested the Cement truck, we all fell in love with the utter unexpectedness of it.”

Studio execs predicted that moms, many of whom were emotionally scarred by the death of Bambi’s mom in the original film, would appreciate a similarly jarring scene of senseless loss for their children.

“Hey, life sucks,” said one mom who screened the film for the studio. “One minute you’re chasing butterflies in an indyllic pasture, the next you’re marveling at your spleen as you take your last gasp. The sooner the little rugrats learn it, the better.”

• If Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting s***-hammered.
• Jack Bauer’s nickname for Chuck Norris is “Aloysius Q. Vagina-Muffin”.
• Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.
• Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three’s Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot.
• On Jack Bauer’s say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking.
• Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.
• Coffee cannot start it’s day without being drunk by Jack Bauer.
• GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.

Thanks to: Mudville, Point Five, Wizbang

Previously: Little Known Jack Bauer Facts.

Technorati tags: Jack Bauer, 24, satire, humor, funny, facts

Eager to demonstrate swift responsiveness after an alleged locker room fondling incident involving several boys, the Suffolk County School District in New York has voted to castrate all male students and set fire to the school.

The alleged attack took place on Monday, when a 13 year old member of the boys JV basketball team was wrestled to the ground by several older boys and “had his buttocks poked.” The boy reported the incident to his parents, who applied soothing cocoa butter to his tender tush, and notified the school.

“We have zero tolerance for any attacks, imagined or real,” said Superintendent of Schools, Richard Organisciak. “We felt that we needed to quickly take action to discourage a possible epidemic of unproven buttock proddings. When you get right down to it, the cause of these problems is always traceable to the male scrotum, and the depraved hormones it sends coursing through the nimble, sweaty bodies of our young lads. ”

The castrations were set to begin yesterday and completed by weeks end, so that all the new eunuchs could attend the public razing of the school on Friday night. The district board simply felt that the school would be a upsetting reminder of one young boy’s alleged horror, and that razing it to the ground in a purifying fire before the investigation was completed would demonstrate the board’s commitment to its children.