“The truth is not something that one can just be allowed to uncover for ones self. It must be properly shaped and molded by those that know best what the truth ought to be and how things ought to be presented so that it is perceived that way by the maximum number of people possible. This is why the mainstream media exists, to be the gatekeepers of news and information. You can’t just have people going around undermining a carefully crafted meme with inconvenient facts!”

-Harry Reid on a lawsuit filed by the DNC that seeks to prevent Republicans from using  Democrats own words against them.

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… Senator Edward “Teddy” Kennedy

This was as tough of a decision as our review board has ever had to make. There were so many worthy individuals out there in calendar year 2005.

Cindy Sheehan was everpresent. Michael Moore loomed even larger than usual. Sean Penn demonstrated his nautical abilities along with a keen sense of caring.

However, as we looked closely at our agreed upon criteria for selection, there was little doubt as to who our choice would be.

We based our pick on the following:

• A person who embodies the concepts of “love” and “family”(Check).
• A person who can wear different nicknames as effortlessly as he can attack different members of the opposing political party (Check). 
• A person with proactive, assertive political instincts (Check).
• A person who demonstrates compassion for those who are less fortunate than himself (Check).
• A person with at least one formidable internal organ (Check).

Congratulations to you once again Senator Kennedy.

The Museum Of Left Wing Lunacy

Peace Mom Cindy Sheehan answers your questions about life, love, and the Neo-Con PNAC agenda!

Dear Cindy:
I have been in a relationship with a man for two years, and I am in love with him. But, my question is when I say to him, “I love you—“ There is nothing — just silence. What is the problem? What should I do? Am I just fooling myself?
The Silence Is Slowly Killing Me, Anchorage, Alaska

Dear Silence:
In order to understand the psyschology of your man, you need to first look at history.

The first American men landed here 200 years ago from Israel, and they were evil, filth-mongering neo-cons, with sharp knives and bad intentions. That’s why they killed the Indians, and the killing has gone on, pretty much 24/7, since then. The question you should be asking yourself is not whether you need the love of your American man, but is he worthy of you? You should find yourself a man who appreciates you, perhaps a Swede, who knows about commitment and love, and who hasn’t been influenced by the PNAC agenda.

Dear Cindy:
My cat just jumped off the couch and collapsed…now she is walking, but slowly. She is only about 8 months old. I’m wondering if she ate one of the weird little bugs around our house. Nothing appears to be wrong with her legs.
Feeble Feline in Fresno
Dear Feeble:
At least your cat can eat. Did you know that most Iraqis have nothing at all to eat? They are trapped in their tee pees, unable to milk their goats or go to the Quick Chek, because American death rains on them from the sky. They would probably be happy to have some of your disease-addled bugs. I hope your cat dies.

Dear Cindy:

I am sorry for the loss of your son in Iraq. But it seems to me that Casey was doing what he wanted, that he chose to be there, and volunteered for the mission on which he was tragically killed. He was a patriot, in the truest sense of the word. So my question is, do you really think that Casey, if he could talk to you right now, would agree with your actions?Also, do you know how to get a blood stain out of a cashmere jacket?

Honest Seeker, Eugene, Oregon

Dear Neo-Fascist ChickenHawk:

If you believe so much in this war for oil, why aren’t you in Iraq? Most, if not all, of the U.S. soldiers in Iraq do not want to be there. They may not show it, because they’ve been brainwashed. Casey was too, he told me when I summoned him at a seance at Barbra Streisand’s house.And seltzer may do the trick with the blood stain, but I think you should leave the stain as a symbol of my son’s blood, which you now have on your hands.

Dear Cindy:
I have a quick math question for you: Jerry was 6 years old when his mother was 30. Now she is twice his age. How old is Jerry?
Curious in Copper Springs

Dear Curious:
Jerry is dead, killed in some far away land for oil and a neo-con agenda that only benefits a very chosen few in this world. His mother is grieving and driving an electric car.

(Cindy Sheehan is an anti-war activist who, according to New York Times Maureen Dowd, derives absolute moral authority from the death of her son in Iraq. She is currently on a speaking tour, offering her own eyebrow-raising view of world events. Ms Sheehan adamantly denies that she has used her son’s death for her own fame. For more on her story, see this month’s Vanity Fair, where she lies on her son’s grave in a heartrending photo spread).

“We also shouldn’t use inflammatory words like ‘terrorist’ and ‘attacked.’ President Bush says that ‘terrorists attacked’ us on September 11th. How would you feel if the President called you a terrorist, and said that you attacked his country? I would feel angry and upset if that happened.”

- Activist Flowers Bloom speaking out against war.

Submit your fake quote.

Editorial-

A mediocre movie captures your attention for perhaps a few brief moments. A good one lures you to the edge of your seat in anticipation of the next action scene or plot twist. However, a true cinematic masterpiece grabs you by your bootstraps, spins you around and pulls you effortlessly into the magical world on-screen. Broke Back Mountain is a textbook example of this last type of film.

It is not merely that this film is a cinematic triumph both visually and audibly. It is. It is not a question of whether gay cowboys have replaced the passe, too-macho-for-words John Wayne-Clint Eastwood stereotype of the Western icons. They have. It is something more. 

It is the superb casting. It is the epic setting. It is the acting. This is a film so powerful it is though the Gods descended from Mount Olympus to bestow their blessings upon it.

Behold one small example of the simple brilliance within this film (taken from the already famous “Snake-bit Again” scene).

“Dangedest thing I ever seen Jack. Another snakebite just below my belt buckle! Must have happened while I was sleeping by the campfire. Be a pal and help me get the venom out will ya?”

“Again? Well if that don’t beat all Ennis! What’s that make now? Thirteen bites this week? All on the same spot! Hot damn you are one unlucky sumbitch!”

“Unlucky don’t begin to describe it Jack. Those phallus-rattlers are plum crafty critters. I barely felt a thing. I best treat you too so as to be sure you ain’t bit as well.”

“I reckon that’s a good idea. You cain’t never be too safe.”

Powerful words indeed. It is transcendent dialogue such as this, along with divine directing and fabulous costumes, that will surely catapult Broke Back Mountain into it’s rightful place in the pantheon of film lore.

Note: If you like the original be sure to look for the sequel, Sticky Back Gulch, due in theaters this coming summer. 

Thanks to OTB, Point 5 & Wizbang!

Union representatives from the Air Line Pilots Association emerged from last night’s negotiations with Delta Airlines brass buoyed by a temporary agreement whereby they would take a 14% pay cut in exchange for free gifts from the coveted Sky Mall Shopping Catalog.

“You get this close, and you don’t back down,” said lead negotiator Larry Santo. “They knew what we wanted, and they finally caved. I’m finally going to get that motorized tie rack. Imagine, 72 ties, right at your finger tips. It’s uncanny, I tell you.”

Airline negotiators were pleased with the deal, given the large surplus of inventory that Sky Mall currently maintains. Still, they were hesitant to give the pilots what they wanted.

“It’s simple economics. If they all order self-cleaning litter boxes, we’re going to lose our shirts,” muttered Labor Relations VP Joe Schumer. “But we’re willing to take that chance in exchange for the pay cut.”

Former Air America Radio Chairman Evan Montvel-Cohen has come under a great deal of fire recently for allegedly embezzling $875,000 from the Gloria Wise Boys & Girls Club in New York City. According to Gloria Wise board members, $35,000 of this sum was given as a loan to Mr. Cohen to help “pay medical expenses for himself and his ‘gravely ill’ father.”

Sadly, Cohen’s father died in 1991, over a decade before his son’s Herculean endeavor to bring him back from the great beyond.

“Not since Miracle Max brought Wesley back to life have we seen such an effort on the behalf of love,” stated one audibly choked up close-mortum expert. “It’s moving really. And listen to to the words his boy used- ‘gravely ill’. You can hear the longing for dad loud and clear.”

TNOYF’s Senior Humanitarian Correspondent did some digging and found several other loans that Mr. Cohen procured as part of his ongoing attempt to save what lesser people had deemed “lost causes”.

• $25,000 from The United Leprosy Foundation to “help protect ghouls, zombies and fiends from Scooby-Doo and those meddling kids”
• $12,000 from the Bennington, Vermont chapter of Stop Arson Now for a Joan of Arc legal defense fund
• $7,500 from Michael Jackson’s Tots For Toys program to be used for “general betterment of the children”
• $5,000 from PETA to assist in changing the phrase “club him like a baby seal” to “maim him like an illegally elected Republican“
• $2,500 from German-American’s For Hasselhoff to lobby for new Knight Rider episodes

What started off as a laid back yet sensible peace rally took a violent turn earlier this afternoon in Washington, D.C. as anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was arrested.

“Things were going great until the brown shirts showed up,” said 43 year old protester Thyme Panda. “We were just minding our own business holding up some signs. No biggie. We even chipped in and painted a few run down areas of town. Did they thank us? Hell no. Those fascists knocked us down, took the brownies my mom made me this morning and went after Cindy. Big mistake bro!”

The “big mistake” which was alluded to above, occurred when D.C. police attempted to arrest Sheehan for protesting without a permit. This is where the two sides’ stories take divergent paths.

A spokesman for the police department says that as the officers were taking Sheehan into custody using approved arrest techniques, her vagina sprung into action, severing the right hand of Sgt. David Smithers.

The peace protesters maintain that Sheehan’s vagina was provoked by the police beforehand and that many of the officers had taken to calling it “lonely girl”. 

Experts tell us the fact that local officials and protesters offer very different accounts of this event is inevitable due to the confusion that always surrounds “the stench of protest.”

Update: Smithers remains in critical care at University Hospital.

Update 2: Sheehan’s vagina has been arrested and charged with three counts of aggravated assault.

“He was dressed in black. And he said there was a ‘new Santa in town’. That’s when the barbed wire went up, the late night card games with the Abominable Snowman started, and the new training program began. It was horrible. Elves are supposed to make toys, not drill with M-16’s. Can you rub my arm?”

- Santa’s former helper Dimple Foxburr alleging that Santa has turned the North Pole into a terrorist training camp.

Submit your fake quote.

The Department of Homeland Security is considering elevating the national security level after a disturbing story was relayed by a frost-bitten, exhausted elf, found wandering tight-less on a remote highway in Northern Canada. The elf claims that Santa Claus has “snapped with all this anti-Christmas reindeer crap” and is planning a Christmas Eve suicide attack on Democratic Party Headquarters in Washington.

According to available details, the elf told the local man who picked him up that he was being pursued by a “Heat Meiser” and that the man must take him to local authorities or “suffer the consequences.” The man was disturbed enough by the elf’s condition and story that he drove him to the local police station, where he sat on the lap of a Canadian Mounty, sipped hot cocoa, and told his shocking story.

The elf, one Dimple Foxburr, alleges to have escaped from the North Pole, which he claims Santa Claus has turned into a terrorist training camp. He said that Santa has forced all elves to swear a blood oath of loyalty to him, or become stuffed elf toys. Since the elf was distantly related to former Clinton spokesman George Stephanopolus, he decided to make his escape and warn officials. He said that he was only able to get away after he “gave himself” to Mrs. Claus in exchange for his freedom.

The elf claims that Claus has been purchasing high-yield explosives on the black market over the past several years, as the Christmas debate, particularly in the United States, has intensified. Right after several mass retailers decided to avoid the expression “Merry Christmas” in their circulars in November, Santa went on a three day bender and came back “one changed guy.”

“He was dressed in black,” said the elf. “And he said there was a ‘new Santa in town.’ That’s when the barbed wire went up, the late night card games with Abominable Snowman started, and the new training program began. It was horrible. Elves are supposed to make toys, not drill with M-16s. Can you rub my arms?”

According to the elf, Claus was having a hard time deciding on the target of his attack, considering Barbra Streisand’s Malibu Estate as well.

As a public service to our readers we have compiled a list of the statements, in descending order, that will get you banned from the Democratic Underground the fastest.

9. “I know he’s evil and all, but I have to give Bush a little credit on Iraq. I mean these elections are pretty impressive.”

8. “Maybe all Republicans aren’t bad.”

7. “Merry Christmas!”

6. “Do you think it’s hypocritical of us to be so intolerant of Republicans when as Democrats we preach tolerance all the time? I’m just asking.” 

5. “Karl Rove is one heck of a strategist!”

4. “That Malkin makes some great points doesn’t she?”

3. “You know I’ve been thinking. Maybe communism isn’t the answer.”

2. “Did you listen to Limbaugh today? What a great sense of humor. And so well-informed!”

1. “Hitler? Come on. Isn’t that maybe just a bit over the top?”

Thanks to Mudville.

“This is common ground between our peoples. This action has shown that we have more in common than the conventional wisdom says.”

-White House spokesman Scott McClellan reacting to Iran’s decision to ban Kenny G and George Michael.

Submit your fake quote.

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In a move that one expert is calling “a publicity stunt of the first order”, actor Burt Reynolds took time out from shooting Smokey and the Bandit IV: Osteoporosis Strikes Back, to hold a press conference yesterday denouncing the U.S.’s proposed wall along the Mexican border.

“I will stand at the top of Capitol Hill and scream like Ned Beatty did in the outtakes from Deliverance if I have to,” Reynolds fumed. “I’ll make a sequel to Paternity. And I’ll do it all with a mouthful of Bubblicious. But mark my words: this wall will not go up!”