Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein complained to the judge during the second session of his trial on Monday that he had to walk up four flights of stairs because of a broken elevator in the courthouse.

We here at TNOYF know how frustrating that can be. We are also worried that Mr. Hussein is not getting a fair chance to have his cares heard. With that in mind, our Senior Middle Eastern Correspondent was able to acquire a list of Mr. Hussein’s concerns. Hopefully this will shed a little light on the other horrors that are being perpetrated behind closed doors.

9. (tie) I didn’t make the prison soccer team because of “political reasons.”

9. (tie) This prison doesn’t have a cool nickname like “Gitmo” or “The Rock.”

8. (tie) I haven’t received a care package from Kofi in months.

7. I’m not allowed to put up pictures from my Playboy: Girl’s of Mesopotamia issue.

6. (tie) Sean Penn keeps coming by with his personal photographer.

6. (tie) The voting machines in here are rigged. No matter how many times they recounted the ballots, they kept insisting that I only received 1 vote for “President of The Prison”, not the 99% that I normally get when running.

5. No matter how much I insist on being addressed as “President Hussein” or “The True Iraqi President”, those smart-aleck American guards keep calling me things like “Captain Ass-Master” and “Your Royal Camelphile.”

4. (tie) They won’t give me a night light.

4. (tie) All of a sudden George Galloway won’t take my collect calls. 

3. That Ramsey Clark is a bit too anti-American for my tastes.

2. The rape rooms in this prison are way different, and far less enjoyable, than the ones I used to run.

1. I haven’t heard from those two ingrate sons of mine in years.

Thanks for the links from our good friends at:

My Pet Jawa 

Brainster

Mudville

Riehl World View

My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Point Five

The Political Teen

Samantha Burns

Wizbang!

Crazy Politicos Rantings

Former Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Michael Irvin, a semi-finalist for the Pro Football Hall of Fame, further cemented his chances for induction into Canton when police officers discovered a crack pipe in his car during a traffic stop.

“Michael was already looking like a sure bet for the Hall,” stated veteran NFL analyst Jim Dyer referring to Irvin’s past record of cocaine and marijuana use and his fondness for prostitutes. “But this incident absolutely sews up a spot for him. He has handled this like the seasoned veteran he is. Let’s review. So far he has: denied all charges, admitted no wrongdoing and made the appropriate counter-accusations. And he did it all with a weepy, yet not overdone style that gives the distinct impression of victimization. Textbook stuff. I suspect that after his induction, we’ll see Michael running for office somewhere on the Democratic ticket.”

For his part, the former NFL All-Pro claims that the crack pipe belongs to a friend who recently left a Houston area rehab center and spent Thanksgiving with the Irvin family.

Editors Note: I too have a friend that has a problem. You see he has this open, pussy sore in his groin area. If any of our readers has any medical training and could help me my friend out with some advice as to how to proceed with my his concern please contact me (and I’ll pass the information along to him of course) as soon as possible. Thank you. 

On this date in 1994, homosexual cannibal and necrophiliac Jeffrey Dahmer was bludgeoned to death with a broomstick by fellow inmate Christopher Scarver while Dahmer was cleaning the prison bathroom. Dahmer was serving fifteen consecutive life sentences for various murders he had committed through the years.

In honor of the 11th anniversary of his death, we here at The Nose On Your Face hoped to contact Mr. Dahmer for an interview.

With the assistance of our Senior Clairvoyance Correspondent, we were able to do just that.

TNOYF: Thank you for consenting to this interview Mr. Dahmer. With temperatures there reaching upwards of 5,000 degrees it must be quite uncomfortable so we do appreciate you taking the time.

JD: Oh, it’s really not a bother.

TNOYF: So. Bludgeoned to death by a broomstick in a prison toilet. Is that the way you pictured yourself going out?

JD: Actually, it’s not far off. I was leaning towards “sodomized with a chair leg while being simultaneously choked by two large Hispanic men in the weight room”, but we don’t always get to choose the way we die.

TNOYF: Those are the two most bizarre death scenarios that I have ever heard.

JD: Did you read your own intro? I’m a gay, cannibalistic necrophile. Did you see me going quietly in my sleep at a ripe old age?

TNOYF: Point taken. Is there anyone out there that you wished that you had gotten the chance to eat while you were still alive?

JD: Oh there are quite a few. Brad Pitt. John Travolta. From his Welcome Back Kotter days, not with that foolish Pulp Fiction look. Shatner of course. Umm… You know who else I always wanted to eat? Someone from that rock group Korn. Just so I could say to my friends “hey guys check out that chunk of Korn in my stool”. Sorry. That’s a terribly cliched cannibal joke. You’d have to eat people to get it.

TNOYF: I see. Were there people that you wouldn’t have eaten no matter the circumstances?

JD: My word, yes. Paris Hilton. If I’m going to get a burning sensation in my genitals, I want it to be because there is a bound and gagged young Asian boy holding a candle with his neck beneath my scrotum while he begs for his life with his pathetic, pleading stare. Not from eating bad skank meat.

TNOYF: Hmm. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

JD: If you ask me another question like that again I swear I will come back from the dead just to eat you.

TNOYF: Sorry. Mr. Dahmer, thank you for your time and hopefully we will get the opportunity to speak with you again sometime.

JD: The pleasure was all mine.    

Thanks to Wizbang!, Point 5, OTB, Basil.

United States Border Patrol agents who are charged with providing security along the U.S. and Mexican border, are speaking out in anger over the fact that the uniforms they wear sport a “Made In Mexico” tag.

“To say that we are upset doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter,” stated U.S. Border Patrol agent Gonzalo Sanchez. “I mean how asinine is that? That would be like Ted Kennedy putting a ‘Sober & Loving It’ bumper sticker on his car. Or John McCain being forced to vote in favor of Republican causes.” 

Agent Sanchez’s statement got us thinking. We did a little digging around and discovered that this is in fact not the first case of national security or safety related irony (or is it?) in history.

We have provided other historical examples below:

• Custer’s troops all carried government issued “dream catchers” at the Battle of Little Bighorn.
• Due to a minor miscommunication that occurred while ordering supplies, Al Qaeda terrorists holed up in the caves of Afghanistan unwittingly ate a diet of Kosher food for over a month.
• In a misguided attempt to calm rioters after the Rodney King verdict, city officials handed out free “Rodney King Bobbleheads.”
• In one of the more serious occurrences, Paris Hilton’s STD results all came back reading (a false) “negative”.

In other news, a new German poll shows David Hasselhof’s approval rating has slipped 25 points to  69%. Meanwhile, Tony Danza continues his meteoric rise in popularity in Deutschland as he climbs 23 points to 67%. 

Thanks to California Conservative, The Political Teen, OTB, Basil.

Thanks for the links everyone!

1. Carnival of the Clueless # 22 at Right Wing Nuthouse
2. Carnival of Insanity at Dr. Sanity
3. Carnival of Comedy # 30 at Immature With No Conscience
4. Carnival of Satire # 10 at The Skwib
5. RINO Sightings at Searchlight Crusade (Where we accidentally submitted two posts. Sorry.)
6. Carnival of the Vanities at Don Surber
7. Carnival of True Liberties at Stop The ACLU (Where Jay was kind enough to give us the lead-off slot!)

Some of our other good friends who linked us this week:

• The Conservative Cat (3 times!)
• Basil’s Blog (Twice!)
• Right Wing News
• 21st Century Paladin
• Don Surber
• A Blog For All
• Radioactive Liberty
• The Right Place
• Point Five (If you enjoy TNOYF, be sure to check out this site.)

Our Top Referrers This Week:

1. Satire Search
2. Total Fark
3. Right Wing News
4. Dumb Criminals
5. Dr. Sanity
6. The Political Teen
7. The Conservative Cat
8. Stop The ACLU
9. Mudville
10. Right Wing Nuthouse

Thanks again to all of our readers.

And as always, if we missed someone we apologize. Just let us know and we will add a link.

“Abu Musab al Zarwqawi gets killed at roughly the same rate that my grandmother died when I was in college and had a term paper due.” - Buckley F. Williams

9. Push for a George Soros/Michael Moore 2008 presidential ticket.   

8. Guess which name Pajamas Media, Open Source Media, Pajamas Media will go by this week.

7. Have Debra Lafave run my son’s weekly Boy Scout meeting.

6. Wash Paris Hilton’s undergarments.   

5. Eat a “tofurkey” dinner.

4. Move to France, convert to Islam, and change my name to Pierre Le Bin Al Boom.

3. Listen to the “Susan Estrich Sings The Chipmunks Greatest Hits” CD on repeat.

2. Hit on O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend and then ask him to shave my neck.

1. Lie in bed with a splitting hangover the day after Thanksgiving and ask myself the following questions: Did I really need that last scotch at 2:00 in the morning? How about the preceding seventeen scotches? How does Ted Kennedy do it on a regular basis? Why do I feel an overwhelming need to shave my teeth? Am I dead? Should I be?   

Thanks to Stop The ACLU, Wizbang!, Point 5, Mudville.

We have compiled some lesser known, fake Thanksgiving quotes for your holiday reading enjoyment.

“Thanksgiving is just another exploitative white capitalistic pig holiday.” - Michael Moore at the release for his new anti-Thanksgiving movie, “Is That Smallpox In Your Blanket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?’, and the accompanying line of action figures.

“All I know is my great grandparents slept in a tee-pee. I have the luxury suite at the Turning Stone Casino.” - Chief Counting Coin of the Oneida Indian Tribe in response to Katie Couric’s question about the treachery committed against his people by the white man after the first Thanksgiving.

“Before you go out and buy that Butterball for your Thanksgiving Day feast remember this: turkey meat causes AIDS.” PETA spokesman Drab Futar.

“I’m not sure what Mr. Futar and his friends are doing to their turkeys, and I don’t believe I want to know. However, I can assure you that the worst thing that has happened to me after eating turkey is that I became very gassy and fell asleep during a conversation with my aunt Eleanor.” - Butterball Turkey spokesman Nick Mitchelson in response to Futar’s comment.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thanks to California Conservative, Political Teen, 2 Babes and a Brain.

9. (tie) Jimmy

9. (tie) Ronnie

8. Zach

7. Darnell

6. Rob S.

5. Susie

4. Mark Brad

3. Hamid

2. Daniel

1. Davey D.

A giant black “X” appeared over Dick Cheney’s face during CNN’s live coverage of the speech he gave from The American Enterprise Institute on Monday. The image of the bold faced letter plastered across the Vice President’s face on national television has caused quite a stir and it’s origin has been the topic of much speculation.

The mystery was solved late yesterday evening when CNN spokesman Andre Dalton issued the following statement:

“We wholeheartedly apologize for the image of the “X” that appeared over the Vice President’s face during last night’s broadcast. If we offended anyone, that was not our intent. We had originally planned to use an entirely different, and far more popular graphic. Unfortunately, due to it’s overuse in covering this White House, that particular image was not available at the time. If we are guilty of anything, it is lazy journalism.”

Although Dalton did not mention the overused graphic by name, our sources assure us that it is this one:

In other news, John Kerry has been named head of Marketing & Name Consistency at Pajamas Media, OSM, Pajamas Media, that big new blog.

Thanks to Point Five & Mudville & OTB & Don Surber & A Blog For All.

Editorial-

It is not often that I agree with a decision that a “terrorist mastermind” makes, but I have to admit that my hat is off to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. When I heard that the head of Al-Qaeda in Iraq blew himself up rather than be captured by surrounding American military forces, I confess that something inside of me clicked.

“Here is a man who practices what he preaches,” I said. He lived by the bomb and died by the bomb. On top of that, Zarqawi was a purest. Obviously fed up with the liberal media confusing “homicide bombers” with “suicide bombers“, Abu went old school and blew only himself up. Angry Muslims throughout the region can now wear their throwback Zarqawi jerseys with pride.

A quick look at his living circumstances  at the time confirms the necessity of his choice. Zarqawi was in a bad way. His family had recently disowned him. He was living on the lam and unable to keep up with the production schedule of his HBO show. Furthermore, no matter what he did it was never good enough for Osama bin Laden and Aiman al Zawahiri. He was cornered and made an excellent decision.

While Zarqawi’s brave act still fresh in our minds, all of the Islamofascists out there need to think about their own situations. Take a good hard look at yourself and ask the following questions: Have I been passed over for promotion within my respective terrorist organization? Do I have what it takes to blow myself (and only myself) up today?

In addition, are you aware that when you blow yourself (and only yourself) up for Allah you are supposed to receive 125 virgins? Has your supervisor ever mentioned this to you? I suspect not.

Do not let history pass you by, and remember the following. A vote for true suicide bombing is a vote for 125 virgins. A bomb in the pants is worth two in a car. Detonation is temporary, pride is forever. 

Make the right choice.

Thanks to Stop The ACLU, Conservative Cat, Mudville, OTB, Basil.

Thanks to the following sites for including us in their carnivals this past week:

1. Carnival of Crazy X at File It Under (still indictment free)
2. Carnival of Comedy at Radioactive Liberty
3. Carnival of the Vanities at The Examining Room of Dr. Charles
4. Carnival of Insanity at Dr. Sanity
5. Carnival of Satire at The Skwib

Thanks to these folks for linking our posts this past week:

1. Conservative Cat (multiple links)
2. Basil’s Blog (multiple links)
3. Crazy Politico’s Rantings
4. Balance Sheet
5. Outside the Beltway
6. Stop The ACLU

Caption Contest & Round-up at Outside the Beltway.

We have forwarded this piece to our lawyers. We feel that we might have a satire infringement case against the author.

Update: As it turns out, the fact that our satire is not actually “funny” has rendered the claim null and void.

Please let us know if we missed anyone and we will be sure to add a link to you. A special thanks to all of our regular readers. And to our constipated readers we say ‘hang in there’. Studies have shown that daily reading of The Nose On Your Face does in fact help to stimulate bowel activity.

A surprisingly comprehensive new report on Osama bin Laden may cause people to reevaluate the way they look at the terrorist mastermind.

Per the report:

“Osama bin Laden wants the United States to convert to Islam, ditch its constitution, abolish banks, jail homosexuals, bar women from appearing in the press and sign the Kyoto climate change treaty.”

“This demonstrates that bin Laden is far more liberal than most people, including myself, previously thought,” opined political guru Dick Morris. “No constitution, convert to Islam, do away with banks and sign Kyoto? Right out of the liberal textbook. If it weren’t for the jailing of gays and the banning of women he would likely be on the ACLU’s board of directors.”

Other findings tend to support Morris’s claim of a left-wing bin Laden. These include:

• A low value placed on human life. Except his own.
• The fact that he is comfortable with both he and his confederates wearing dresses.
• A fondness for Saddam Hussein.
• Photographs of bin Laden driving a Toyoya Prius.
• Ticket stubs from “Rent“.
• Has been seen having tea with John Murtha.
• The discovery of a bin Laden owned bong-making factory.

In an unrelated story, my cell phone bill was outrageously high this past month.

Thanks to Mudville, Political Teen, California Coservative, Stop the ACLU, OTB.

Despite their yearning for “cancer”, “AIDS” or “tertiary Syphilis”,  Fidel Castro’s enemies have apparently been thwarted once again. The CIA is reporting that from their assessment, the 79 year-old Cuban leader appears to have the disorder known as Parkinson’s disease.

As most people have an opinion one way or the other on the Cuban President, the reactions to this news have been mixed as well.

“Aww man, just Parkinson’s? That blows,” stated Josh Mullen, a freshman liberal arts major at Hamilton College. “I mean the dude is a living legend and all but I was hoping for some more clothing alternatives. I guess I’ll just keep wearing my ‘Che’ shirt til something serious strikes. Viva la revolucion! Dude, can you pass that bong?”

Manolo Domingo, a former Cuban national now residing in the United States, was non-committal.

“Parkinsons, huh? Is that real painful?” he inquired. “I don’t know a lot about it. I know that you shake a lot. I guess I was always hoping for ‘death by fire-ants’ or a ‘flesh-eating bacteria’. Something more exotic. Oh well, it could still turn more serious.”

In other news, Senator Jay Rockefeller’s pants remain on fire.      

Thanks to OTB, The Political Teen, Stop the ACLU.