For more: Stop The ACLU. Michelle Malkin. Wizbang! Politechnical. California Conservative. Mudville.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, a very vocal critic of the U.S. and President Bush, has urged his countrymen to ignore Halloween calling it an  “alien U.S. custom” and further branding it a “game of terror.”

“Only a country as wicked as America would foist this unholy day on their people,” stated Chavez, resplendent in a navy blue Armani suit as he read from a prepared statement. “Witnessing the rituals of this so-called holiday being played out is akin to watching a nationwide, candy-riddled terrorist training operation.” 

Instead, Chavez offers the following suggestions to Venezuelan families looking for something to do on October 31st:

• Visit oncology units and cheer for cancer.*
• Talk to your children about the evils of capitalism. 
• Snuggle.
• Take your children on the “Scared Straight” tour at your local prison. Hopefully, this will teach them not to read from the banned book list.

In a related story, the Iranian government has called for a ban on Arbor Day calling trees “a wicked tool of the infidels.”   

In a surprise move earlier today, temporary Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers withdrew her acceptance to President Bush’s Spooky Halloween Extravaganza. Miers cited a White House ban on shaving cream fights as the reason for the withdrawal.

In response to Miers decision, President Bush released the following statement:

“Today, I have reluctantly accepted Harriet Miers decision to dis-accept my invitation to the annual White House Halloween party.

I invited Harriet Miers to my party because of her wealth of knowledge of Halloween lore, her unquestioned aptitude at pumpkin carving and an almost preternatural ability to bob for apples.

During previous Halloweens, she has shown herself to be a leader in the field of trick-or-treating. And although I have personally witnessed people giving her pennies as ‘treats’ on numerous occasions, I never once heard her complain.

Her decision affects me on a personal note as well. We were going to go to the party as Batman and Catwoman. Now I am minus one fabulous, feline companion. 

I am grateful for Harriet Miers’ friendship and loyalty. Hopefully, I look forward to seeing her at my Turkey-Lurkey-Doo Thanksgiving Fiesta.”

In other news, 79% of people polled report that they plan to neither “have fun” nor “Wang Chung”, tonight.   

Thanks to The Jawa Report, Mudville, NIF, Cao’s Blog, Soldier’s Angel, MacStansbury, The Indepundit, Decision ‘08, Blogger News Network, Stop the ACLU & The Political Teen.

After receiving multitudinous complaints over their posting of a retouched picture of Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice that made her appear somewhat “demonic“, USA Today removed the photo from their website and added this note from the editor:

Editor’s note: The photo of Condoleeza Rice that originally accompanied this story was altered in a manner that did not meet USA TODAY’s editorial standards. The photo has been replaced by a properly adjusted copy. Photos published online are routinely cropped for size and adjusted for brightness and sharpness to optimize their appearance. In this case, after sharpening the photo for clarity, the editor brightened a portion of Rice’s face, giving her eyes an unnatural appearance. This resulted in a distortion of the original not in keeping with our editorial standards.

Being no strangers to journalistic integrity and high editorial standards, we here at TNOYF applaud USA Today’s bravery for promptly addressing the situation and making the necessary corrections.

USA Today’s original, unaltered photo of Secretary of State Rice appears below.

(H/T to Rodney Dill for the photo.)

Thanks to NIF, The Political Teen, Mudville & OTB.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, an enormously talented and successful woman by any estimation, has recently added another entry to her already impressive resume: pop superstar.

Rice was recently tapped to play the lead in a remake of the Michael Jackson mini-epic, Thriller.

“I couldn’t be more excited really,” stated Dr. Rice. “For years I have been a huge fan of Michael and to have a chance to pay tribute to him by singing his anthem is really quite an honor.”

Rice went on to credit USA Today’s Graphics and Photo Managing Editor Richard Curtis for helping her achieve her demonic look, which she felt secured her spot during the audition. 

Thanks to Conservative Cat, NIF, OTB & Mudville. H/T Michelle Malkin for the photo.

The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina brought out the worst in many people. Some took the opportunity to loot. Others engaged in the political “blame-game”. Others still used this storm as a further opportunity to foment racial unrest.

Fortunately, as with most disasters, there is a silver lining. That silver lining comes in the form of one courageous and enterprising man: Terrence Wolcott.

Wolcott lost everything he owned in the wake of the storm. His home was swept away and he only escaped death by a stroke of good fortune.

“Luckily I had climbed to the top of a tree on a dare from my cousin Earl,” recalled Wolcott. “As luck would have it, I passed out cold and didn’t wake up until after storm had moved through.”

While much of the region was collectively wringing their hands, Wolcott sprung into action. Armed with nothing more than a sheet of plywood, some lukewarm beer and a can-do attitude, he created “Captain Terrence’s Nautical Adventures” boat tour company.   

Initially he enjoyed great success. Lines that spanned four or five rooftops were not an uncommon sight. And then just as quickly as they had arrived, they were gone. 

“Unfortunately, as the water receded so did the customers,” said Wolcott.”It’s just one of those things. But I’m an optimist.”

Not one to sit back and wait for things to happen, Wolcott reports that he has begun talks with several high ranking government officials regarding the possibility of blowing up the levees again.

The Rest of the WTW Gang: basil’s blog BOBO BLOGGER Cranky Neocon Dangerous Logic Fistful of Fortnights HECTOR VEX It Is What It Is Mean Ol’ Meany Merri Musings MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Riehl World View Rightwingsparkle Six Meat Buffet Sortapundit The Ebb & Flow Institute The Jawa Report The Nose On Your Face The Therapist Vince Aut Morire

Thanks to Mudville.

Al Franken reacted angrily yesterday to a customer at a New York City signing party for his new book, Stuart Smalley: Alone Again With My Cats. The man, Daniel Belmont, approached Franken to have the book signed, but was savagely attacked after making a request for the inscription.

“That guy is a nut,” said Belmont. “I bought the book as a surprise for my cousin, Reagan F. Hannity Limbaugh III, who is a huge fan of his. When I asked Mr. Franken to make it out to him, he snapped. He called me a ‘right-wing puke’ and some other bad names and then he jumped up and attacked me. I have to tell you, he was way funnier back in his SNL days. Now, not so much.”

A spokesman for Franken praised his client for “showing restraint” during what “he felt was an encounter with an actual conservative.”    

For his part, Belmont reported that he does not hold the attack against Franken and that he and his cousin will both continue to support the entertainer either directly by book purchases or indirectly via donations to their local Boys and Girls Club.

H/T Michelle Malkin for the photo. Thanks to Mudville, OTB, The Political Teen & Stop the ACLU.

Acting on information from security screeners who said they detected a strong scent of alcohol on him, police officers removed a United Airlines pilot from his scheduled flight at Miami International Airport. As of this writing the pilot has not actually been arrested but has undergone intensive questioning by the police.

“We were dispatched to the airport area to handle a potential alcohol situation,” stated one Miami Police Officer. “Apparently the alleged pilot had partaken in some sort of alcoholic substance and was emitting a strong odor. Thanks to the situational awareness of our law enforcement officials the suspect was apprehended and is currently undergoing the investigation process.”

An airline spokesman noted that the pilot has no history of alcohol-related crimes. However, in the past he has been ticketed several times for giving useless information over the plane’s PA system.

Update: The origin of the alcohol smell was discovered and the pilot was released and cleared of any wrong-doing in this matter after an alert baggage checker remembered that Senator Ted Kennedy had walked through the same security line only days before. 

Thanks to Conservative Cat, OTB, BNN & Mudville.

Any suckers takers?

It is Sunday once again and time to give thanks to the following sites who have included us in their Carnivals this past week:

Carnival of Crazy VIII- Stuff + Cats = Awesome Edition at File It Under

Carnival of the Clueless # 18 - The Cat Ate My Internet Edition at Right Wing Nuthouse

Carnival of Satire # 5 at The Skwib

RINO Sightings XI at Politechnical Institute

Bonfire of the Vanities # 120 at Free Money Finance

Classiness All Around Us at Willisms

Carnival of Insanities at Dr. Sanity

Carnival of the Vanities Birthday Edition

Carnival of Comedy at IFOC

Still looking for some great Sunday afternoon reading? Check out these satirical pieces by two of our very funny, very good friends:

Bush, Rove Redouble Efforts: Rovian designed hurricane/weather machine proving unwieldy with age by Hoodlumman from File It Under

Ronnie Earle Indicts Much of Texas on Conspiracy Charges by Mr. Right of The Right Place

If by chance the TrackBacks that we have sent out are not received, then we would direct you to our pal Basil for further instructions.

Quick links:

News Interesting & Funny (aka NIF)

Mudville

OTB

Conservative Cat

Twenty Major (Not safe for work. Unless you own your own business. Even then maybe not.)

Right Wing News

Update: Carnival of the Vicious, Invading Paleface Bastards at Conservative Cat (Best carnival name of all time. We’d expect nothing less from the wunderkind who gave us the handy-dandy, can’t-live-without-it, all-purpose Carnival Submit Form.)

Even many years into his retirement, ex-NBA great Larry Bird still elicits a considerable amount of loyalty from his fans. Eric James Torpy and his attorneys had reached a plea agreement with prosecutors in Oklahoma that would have sent him to jail for 30 years on charges of shooting with intent to kill and robbery. Torpy surprised everyone by requesting that his sentence be upped to 33 years to match the number worn by his hero, Larry Bird.

“Wow, this is awesome,” gushed Torpy. “Number 33. Just like Larry Legend! He’ll want to meet me now and we’ll become best friends. He’ll probably be by to see me every visiting day. He’ll be all like ‘ Hey Eric, I baked you some oatmeal raisin cookies in my officially licensed Larry Bird NBA E-Z Bake Oven‘. And then I’ll be all like ‘Oh, Larry that was really thoughtful, but you know I’m allergic to raisins.’ And then he’ll be all ‘Dude your in prison. Don’t be so fussy.’ And then I’ll be like “Hey, I know your Larry Bird and all but I’m not breaking out in hives for anyone.’ And he’ll be like “Oh Eric, don’t be angry. I’ll bake you chocolate chip cookies later.’ Then we’ll make up and laugh and laugh over the silliness of the argument (sigh).”

In a related matter, a fan of rocker Tommy Lee was overjoyed when the judge in his trespassing case complied with his sentencing request and upped his term from 3 months to 13 1/2 years.

Thanks to Mudville, The Political Teen.

Editorial-

I have seen a great deal written on the newest King to ascend to the crown of Burger. And rightly so. In our land, we hold our BK royals in high esteem and look to them for support and guidance on all things rapidly produced and edible.

Which is why I find it troubling that the words most often used to describe our new sovereign are “creepy” and “psychotic-looking”. I will allow that he has a certain open-mouthed, JC Penney model look, but is this any reason to slander His Highness?

Granted, if I found him staring through my window in the morning with that glassy-eyed, fixed grin, I might initially be put off as well. However, once I recovered my composure and recognized that I was in the presence of royalty my attitude would change completely.

One particularly malicious person even described the King as looking “like a pedophile dressed for a birthday party.” Interesting.

Interesting because there is indeed a pretender to the “fleet-fare” throne  who does fit that description.

Which begs the question: Is the criticism of The Burger King legitimate, or merely an underhanded ploy by a sad, washed-up clown trying to save his crumbling empire?

You be the judge.

Thanks to Mudville, OTB, NIF, MacStansbury, Soldier’s Angel, Indepundit, The Political Teen

The ACLU and The Communist Party have announced that they will be officially joining together as early as Spring of 2006. This comes as a surprise to no one familiar with the work of either of the two groups. 

“It’s really just a formality,” ACLU spokesman Drab Futar said of the merger. “It’s sort of like when NAMBLA and American Pedophiles For Justice joined together, under my personal legal guidance I might add, in the early 1990’s.This will just insure even more streamlined services that will greatly benefit our co-agenda… I mean protect civil liberties.”

Opponents of the two organizations admit that this move may actually prove beneficial.

“It was difficult trying to keep track of both of them before,” stated a spokesman from the opposition group, United States citizens. “By joining together, this should enable us to keep a closer watch.”

Some of the benefits of the merger include:

• avoiding a replication of services
• new merchandising opportunities that will be available once the two logos are merged (Note: Throwback ACLU & Communist Party gear will still be available through their on-line store)
• bigger and better staff Christmas God-less Mid-Winter parties

A larger, three-way merger that includes the United Nations is set to go through in late 2006.

Developing…

This post is a part of the Stop The ACLU Blog-burst. To join, please go here.

Thanks to Mudville & The Political Teen.

The trial of deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is underway and as expected, the details of his cruel reign are far more disturbing than was previously thought. While some of the better known charges leveled against Hussein include crimes against humanity, torture and mass genocide, there are a bevy of other accusations that give a true snapshot into the soul of this wicked man. 

Some of the acts for which Hussein will now be held to account include:

• Telling Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer’s friend Herbie that he’ll never be a dentist.
• 3rd degree possession of an unlicensed porn star mustache.
• Smoking in non-designated areas.
• Wearing white after Labor Day.
• Receiving a 1st degree U.S. military a**-whupping in a 3rd degree zone.
• Spelunking while intoxicated.

“We aren’t dealing with a rational person here,” stated one legal analyst. “What kind of a man  snatches away the wishes and dreams of a sad and lonely clay-mation elf? The defense has their work cut out for them.”

In a related story, fellow fake news organization The New York Times has expressed concern over the quality of water that will be made available to Hussein at his courtroom table.

Hat tip to Mark Humphry for the pic.

Thanks to:

The Political Teen

Wizbang!

California Conservative

Point Five

Stop The ACLU

The Blue State Conservatives

Vince Aut Morire

My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

OTB

Mudville

Indepundit