It has been widely reported that New Orleans Police Spokesman Marlon DeFillo has spoken out against the term “looting” being applied to NOPD officers who were caught in the act of taking  non-food goods in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Instead, DeFillo is championing the use of the term “appropriation of non-essential items.”

As a highly trained linguistic expert, Mr. DeFillo has the capability to cut through simplistic, pedestrian and accurate terms such as “looting” and replace them with less incriminating, more important sounding and vague ones. We here at TNOYF know how hard it can be for the average person to wade through the morass of technical terminology that flows so freely from skilled craftsmen such as DeFillo.

And so as a public service to our readers, we present the following incomplete guide to post-Hurricane Katrina terminology:      

“Republican-generated, minority-targeting, evil death winds.” - Hurricane

“Survival-related ingestion of the dermis, appendages and vital organs.” - Cannibalism

“Post-incident, stress-necessitated, decompression zone.” - Las Vegas

“Highly-pigmented, disaster-exploitive, mediaphiles.” - Al Sharpton, Charlie Rangel, Jesse Jackson & Louis Farrakhan

“Nautically-challenged, egotistically over-endowed, faux-patriot.” - Sean Penn

We hope this has been a help, and we will bring you updates as they become available.

Thanks to Mudville, OTB & Basil. This post is also available at Blogger News Network. 

President Bush has announced that he has backed off from his initial hard-line stance against any meeting with grieving anti-war mom Cindy Sheehan. In a statement that was released by the White House early this morning, Bush said that he has “reevaluated the situation from a different  perspective” and that he now sees the “potential for good that high level meetings between the two sides” could bring. 

In what Republicans are hailing as “a stroke of genius”, and Democrats call “premeditated murder”,  Bush has chosen brothers Eric and Lyle Menendez to meet with Mrs. Sheehan.

Political experts say that Bush’s hand was forced in this matter as Sheehan has been riding high in the wake of the results of a recent poll.

The details of the meetings are still to be worked out, but the White House has released this set of guidelines:

• Sheehan must agree to adopt the brothers first.
• The meeting will occur in a secure, yet unannounced location of the President’s choice.
• Sheehan will spend the first several days talking to Lyle and Eric about a variety of topics including: their hair, keeping their cells clean and finding the right girl someday.
• The two sides will keep to a tight schedule that will include very little time for sleep and eating.

Bush went on to praise the Menendez brothers for their “strong track record in the past with regard to parental relations.”

In a related story, The White House is said to be brokering a deal that could see Maureen Dowd marrying former NFL great OJ Simpson.

Thanks to The Political Teen, Mudville & OTB.

Faced with low ratings and lower still revenues, liberal radio network Air America has offered up some creative solutions to help ease their well-documented financial woes as well as their flagging popularity.

“We pitted our talent head-to-head against the conservative talkers but that hasn’t worked out so far,” stated an Air America spokesman. “So we did some polling to try and determine the problem and it turns out that our on-air personalities tend to grind on people’s nerves. We also discovered that people, in general, don’t like them or what they have to say. However, we’re not going to let these minor points slow us down one step. We have our best people working on some things that should help us overcome our rank unpopularity. ”

Some of the possible solutions that are being bandied about include:

• Enlisting the boys from Old School to commandeer Salvation Army Santa’s and put them to work in the Air America fund raising department.
• Introducing legislation that would mandate Air America’s inclusion in elementary school curriculum.
• Bringing in more political moderates like Ward Churchill. 
• Have Al Franken read the entire transcript from the preceding days Rush Limbaugh program on the air. All day. Every day.
• Bringing back the popular Double Shot’s With Ted Kennedy segment.
• Sacrificing a conservative on the air once a week.
• Having Evan Cohen infiltrate the Alzheimer’s wings of hospitals and attempt to get the patients to sign over power of attorney to him.

Air America officials note that these are just preliminary ideas and that they have yet to decide on a definitive course of action.

Thanks to Mudville & OTB.

Fortunately the original estimate of the number of deaths in the New Orleans Superdome in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina appears to have been greatly overestimated. It had been reported that over 200 dead bodies lay waiting to be claimed by FEMA officials, in actuality the toll appears to be 6. 

“This is just the latest example of the Bush administration playing hard and fast with the numbers,” stated President* Al Gore. “I’ve personally spoken to a number of the dead people and they assure me that they are in fact dead. Their pleas are being ignored by the so-called ‘compassionate conservatives’. Feh.”

In an unrelated story, ACME Corporation’s stock shot up 158% earlier today on the news that Wile E. Coyote and his wife are expecting triplets. 

* Mr. Gore would only go on the record if he was to be addressed as “President”.

What started off as a laid back yet sensible peace rally took a violent turn earlier this afternoon in Washington, D.C. as anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was arrested.

“Things were going great until the brown shirts showed up,” said 43 year old protester Thyme Panda. “We were just minding our own business holding up some signs. No biggie. We even chipped in and painted a few run down areas of town. Did they thank us? Hell no. Those fascists knocked us down, took the brownies my mom made me this morning and went after Cindy. Big mistake bro!”

The “big mistake” which was alluded to above, occurred when D.C. police attempted to arrest Sheehan for protesting without a permit. This is where the two sides’ stories take divergent paths.

A spokesman for the police department says that as the officers were taking Sheehan into custody using approved arrest techniques, her vagina sprung into action, severing the right hand of Sgt. David Smithers.

The peace protesters maintain that Sheehan’s vagina was provoked by the police beforehand and that many of the officers had taken to calling it “lonely girl”. 

Experts tell us the fact that local officials and protesters offer very different accounts of this event is inevitable due to the confusion that always surrounds “the stench of protest.”

Update: Smithers remains in critical care at University Hospital.

Update 2: Sheehan’s vagina has been arrested and charged with three counts of aggravated assault.

Update 3: This is where our attention ought to be.

Update 4: It is a day of celebration at the Jawa Report. For many different reasons.

H/T Michelle Malkin for the photo.

Thanks to:

• Mudville
• Stop the ACLU
• My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
• Jo’s Cafe
• Cafe Oregano
• Bright and Early
• Big Dog’s Weblog
• Point Five

We have an excellent assortment of Carnivals for your Sunday afternoon reading pleasure.

Take your time and enjoy.

Carnival of the Insanities at Dr. Sanity

RINO Sightings XI: Hornitarian Jihad at Evolution

Carnival of Comedy: Barely Finally Legal Edition at Basil’s

A double dose from The Skwib with the 157th Carnival of the Vanities and the inaugural Carnival of Satire

Carnival of Crazy VI: Stuck on Stupid Edition at File It Under

Carnival of the Clueless # 14 at Rightwing Nuthouse (Happy Anniversary Rick!)

In a move that has delighted Star Wars enthusiasts and enraged Republicans everywhere, famed intergalactic heroes Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca recently turned up at an anti-war protest in Washington, DC.

“Wow, this is sweet,” stated science fiction buff Garth Sanderson. “Lando hasn’t changed at all from his old Colt .45 commercial days, although I have to say that Chewie has really let himself go.”

The pair will be in town throughout the weekend to lend their support to the event and to sign autographs for a nominal fee.

Thanks to The Jawa Report, Cafe Oregano, Jo’s Cafe, Basil, Bright & Early, Wizbang, Point 5, The Political Teen, Stop the ACLU, Mudville , OTB , Basil & NIF.

Thanks to Ian for the photo.

Having quickly run through the standard fifteen minutes of fame, uber-grieving mother Cindy Sheehan has decided to march on Washington DC with thousands of other regular Americans to pressure the President for additional time. 

“Cindy Sheehan is not happy with the lack of attention being paid to her recently,” stated Sheehan in her brand  new third person style of self address. “Cindy Sheehan feels that this is not fair. George Bush has gotten a ton of tv time for years and he never even lost a son in an illegal war. ”

Sheehan plans to make camp right outside of the White House and says she will refuse to leave until the following people meet with her:

• President Bush
• Vice-President Cheney
• J.J. from Good Times 

Sheehan explained her unusual demand to meet with a television character thus: “Other than George Bush, James Evans Jr. is the individual who is most responsible for Casey’s death. Casey watched re-runs of Good Times often as a child. J.J.’s repeated use of the violent and explosivist term ‘dy-no-mite’ clearly had a negative effect on Cindy Sheehan’s son.”

Sheehan went on to say that “no cameras make Cindy Sheehan angry.”

Thanks to Mudville.

Fresh on the heels of a Chinese rubber company naming a condom after him, Bill Clinton has garnered another Asian honor of a different kind. A group of scientists in North Korea announced early today that a recently discovered strain of chlamydia will now bear the name of the former President.

“Mr. Clinton is very big hero in Korea,” said Dr. Jin-Ho Sung. “In my country, having venereal disease named after you is great honor. From now on, whenever Koreans itch, burn or feel discomfort, they will remember the great President Clinton.”

In a related story, Kim Jong Il has decreed that the new Korean slang term for cat will be  ‘Jimmy Carter’.

Thanks to The Political Teen Mudville & OTB.

As New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin was holding a press conference on Tuesday to address the impending Hurricane Rita, it quickly became apparent that he was losing control to a panicked press corps. As things began to spiral downwards, Lt. Gen. Russell Honore stepped in, took charge and began fielding questions.

After the press repeatedly attempted to corral the Lt. General into answering their off-topic queries, he commanded them: “Don’t get stuck on stupid.”

“I didn’t see it coming at all,” stated one MSM reporter. “We had Nagin on the ropes and were moving in for the kill and then wham! The General ruled out stupid.

I’ve got twenty years in this field. I’ve spun press conferences without a notepad and a pen. I’ve worked without a recorder and a cell phone. Hell, back in ‘85 when I had laryngitis I even managed to verbally ambush Alexander Haig using nothing but a simple mime technique. But when he took “stupid” off of the table, I knew the gig was up.”   

In a related story, Honore later told a group of German tourists not to “get stuck on Hasselhof.”

Update: As far as we are able to discern, Vodkapundit has becomes the first person to use “stuck on stupid” in a non-hurricane related manner.

Update 2: Sister Toldjah has a thorough list of the anti-stupid-stickers here.

Thanks to Mudville, OTB & Basil.

We here at The Nose On Your Face are big fans of best-selling conservative authoress Ann Coulter. As a friendly gesture to her, our staff have compiled a list of potential titles for any upcoming books she may be planning.

Top 9 Suggested Ann Coulter Book Titles

9. Ann Coulter’s Guide To Self Defense Against Non-violent, Tolerant, Peace Protesters

8. Ted Kennedy Is To Politics What Ted Kennedy Is To Designated Drivers

7. Reasoning With Liberals, Stapling Jell-O To Your Shoe & Other Exercises In Futility

6. Barbara Boxer: The Unauthorized Biography 

5. Harry Reid & The Filibuster of Azkaban

4. Republicans Are From Mars, Democrats Are From Uranus

3. The Liar, The Bitch & The Wardrobe: A comprehensive overview of the Clinton/Lewinsky affair

2. Letters From My Mom’s Basement: A look at hippie contributions to society

1. Liberalism: Logic’s Retarded Cousin

AND:

Former President Bill Clinton is up in arms over the results of  a recent survey conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics. Clinton says the new study, that demonstrates that just over 50% of today’s teenagers have engaged in oral sex, is further proof of the ineffectiveness of the current Bush administration.

“When I entered office in the early 1990’s only a pathetic 21% of our youth had enjoyed the benefits of fellatio- the lowest point we’d reached since the glory days of the 1960’s,” the former president pointed out. “By the end of my second term, thanks to our ‘No Penis Left Behind’ initiative, that number had skyrocketed to 77% with no signs of slowing down. However, this new study conclusively shows that President Bush is taking us in the wrong direction as far as matters of the mouth and genitals are concerned.”   

Clinton went on to say that the United States will continue to lag behind such countries as France and Thailand (where oral sex among teens enjoys an 80-85% popularity rate) until we “relax, loosen up and just do what’s natural.”

Some other study highlights:

• 19% engaged in oral sex while taking the survey
• 23% have had oral sex with Clinton 
• 27% have been sexually propositioned by a member of the Kennedy family
• 79% are “totally creeped out” by Christopher Walken

In other news, the fifth dentist has finally cracked and recommended Trident to his patients who chew gum.

Update: More on the perennially present post-presidential prevaricator here and here. And here.

Thanks to The Political Teen, Mudville, OTB, BNN & Basil.

Silflay Hraka hosts the 156th edition of the Carnival of the Vanities (which also happens to be the 3rd anniversary of the “Grandfather of All Carnivals“).

Either Orr hosts an excellent football-themed edition of the Carnival of Comedy (#20 if you are counting).

Willisms hosts the always entertaining (not to mention classy) Bonfire/Carnival of Classiness. Also check out the weekly Caption Contest that Will hosts. It’s always a lot of fun.

Sadie at Fistful of Fortnights took time out from redesigning TNOYF (look for our great new look in the near future courtesy of Sadie & Phin of Apothegm Designs) to host a top-notch version of RINO Sightings.

One of our new favorite sites, Right Wing Nuthouse, returns this week with the 13th Carnival of the Clueless.

Multiple Mentality presents the 57th and final Items of Interest. We are sorry to see it end, and we would like to thank MM for including us in so many past editions.

Dr. Sanity hosts the Carnival of the Insanities “where the insane, the bizarre, the ridiculous, and the completely absurd are highlighted for all to see“. ‘Nuff said.

Much to the dismay of Democrats everywhere, President Bush demonstrated yesterday that he is in fact human when a Reuters photographer clicked a photo of an all too compromising note he was writing to Condoleeza Rice during a U.N. meeting. Bush is seen writing the damning sentences: “I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?”

“Is this possible?” Excellent question. We asked an expert to examine Bush’s statement to get her thoughts.

“Well, I really like the way he used the word ‘may’ instead of ‘can’,” stated kindergarten teacher Molly Knudsen. “That is a common lavatorial error that he thankfully avoided. However, it would have been better if he had used his words instead of writing it down. In summation, I would let this little guy go to the bathroom.”

In a related matter, TNOYF’s Senior Personal Correspondence Photographer obtained a picture of another Bush note (intended for Rice as well) from later in the day:

Handwriting experts tell us that the slipshod writing in this note is likely due to either exhaustion from the grueling schedule the President keeps or photo editing software in the hands of a rank amateur.

Thanks to Basil, Mudville & OTB.

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and The North American Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) have  announced the revival of their monthly dinner-dance mixer.

“We’re really excited about partnering up with our good friends at NAMBLA once again,” stated ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “As you already know, our two organizations have very similar goals and viewpoints. They seek to end the oppression of men and boys who have mutually consensual sex, and we are a group of liberal attorneys.”

NAMBLA member and event organizer Quint Bradley feels that this months mixer will be a night to remember.

“We’re going with a gladiator theme this time,” squealed Bradley. “Leather, swords, those nifty leaf things for your head- it’s going to be delicious.”

Some of this months highlights will include:

• A keynote address by the ACLU’s Dylan Robertson entitled- “Underage Gay Sex And You: How To Find Fast, Free Legal Loopholes”
• Live music performed by DJ Sweaty Jack and The Manhole Covers
• Open bar all night long (Note: You must have identification if you wish to be served. Acceptable forms of id include: a library card, a Yu-Gi-Oh card or an elementary school hall pass.)
• A working Roman bath-house

Party organizers have noted that this will be a b.y.o.b. (bring your own boy) event.      

Urgent Update:  Click here

This was a production of  Stop the ACLU Blogburst. This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to OTB, Mudville & Stop the ACLU