In keeping with the national French policy of preemptive surrender, The Louvre Museum in Paris recently accepted a $20 million donation from billionaire Saudi Prince Alaweed bin Talal for a new Islamic Art Wing. 

Talal was at the center of controversy after the 9/11 attacks when he made disparaging comments regarding the United States Middle Eastern policies. Mayor Rudolph Giuliani subsequently turned down Talal’s $10 million offer to the families of the victims. Giuliani went on to make several unprintable comments regarding Talal’s mother, some spoiled hummus and a swarthy goat.

This artistic alliance represents yet another change in preferences for the historically fickle French.

“Traditionally the French have always given ‘preferential capitulation’ status to Germany,” noted one expert on Gallic matters. “However, over the past fifteen to twenty years there has been a subtle yet steady shift towards the Middle East when looking for a most-favored-aggressor. This new Islamic Wing further demonstrates the cementing of that relationship.” 

Indeed, a recent Le Opinion Francois poll shows that when given their choice of aggressors to cede to, nearly seven in ten Frenchmen chose Islamofascists. Germany locked up the nostalgia vote and came in at second with twenty percent.    

This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to OTB, Mudville and The Jawa Report.

Check out the excellent Carnival of Comedy at Right Hand of God. You will not be disappointed. Be sure to leave our good friends Patriot Xeno and Citizen Grim a comment and let them know that “Free Rum” sent you.

While you are there be sure to vote for your favorite post.

The ACLU suffered a major setback recently when the Senate voted 98-0 to allow U.S. military bases to continue hosting Boy Scout events. The ACLU has long been opposed to the Boy Scouts endorsement of what they call the “pernicious trifecta of moral values, God and heterosexuality.”

“I have to admit that this is a major disappointment,” stated ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “To call government support of a cabal of homophobes such as the Boy Scouts an outrage is a major understatement. Fortunately, we have been contacted by Air America officials who have ensured us that they have come into some extra money that they will be donating to our appeal.”

The Senate’s unanimous decision comes as a surprise to those who are aware that there are in fact, Democratic Senators.

TNOYF was able to obtain a partial list of the ACLU’s previous demands to the Boy Scouts and they are as follows:

• cease and desist all references (both in printed materials and speech) to anti-civil liberties entities to include conservatives, Republicans and Catholics (or any combination thereof)
• offer merit badges in tolerance, show tunes and Muslim appreciation
• open up enrollment in the Boy Scouts to sex offenders who have apologized
• offer all Boy Scouts literature in both languages: French and Arabic

In other news, another large stash of weapons-grade Nutella has been discovered in the south of France.

Developing…

This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to OTB and Mudville.

New evidence is coming to light that indicates that Osama bin Laden had crafted a detailed plan to “buy a massive amount of cocaine, spike it with poison and sell it in the United States” in early 2002 as a follow up to the 9/11 attacks. Bin Laden discussed the plot in detail with Colombian drug lords who eventually nixed the deal for fear of losing business in the long run.

However, the Al Qaeda front man, who is best known for murdering thousands of innocent people in multiple terrorist attacks over the years, may have crossed the proverbial line this time around.

TNOYF’s Senior Hollywood Narcotics Correspondent reports that she “has not seen this much rage in Hollywood since the fall of Communism.”

Initially opposed to President Bush’s “War On Terror“, many of Tinseltown’s biggest stars and producers have now staked out a quite hawkish stance.   

” First of all I can’t even believe there are people out there who would do this kind of thing, ” stated one Hollywood insider who asked to only be identified as R. Downey Jr. for purposes of anonymity. ” I mean sure you expect your White Pony to be cut a little bit, but poison? That’s so weak. Down with Al Qaeda!”

Director O. Stone (first name omitted by request) had this to say: “This makes me so mad that I’m gonna’… I’ll… umm… I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll make a movie that depicts these terrorists in a less than flattering light!”

In other news, Ted Kennedy’s liver has officially seceded from his body.

Hat tip RWN. This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to Mudville & OTB.

The Nose On Your Face has received information that world- renowned “hide-n-seek” champion Mullah Mohammed Omar will be retiring from international competition sometime this fall.

Omar issued the following statement during a recent cave-side press conference:

” I can’t believe it’s almost been four years! What a run, eh? (applause) It was great while it lasted. But it is now time to move on (applause). Wow. Thank you, thank you. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry but… OK… Let’s see. I have met so many fabulous people along the way. People who truly love the game and were kind enough to share their knowledge with me.

I am talking about such greats as Jimmy Hoffa (applause). Waldo (applause) and countless Cuban dissidents (applause). And of course, my main mullah Osama. If it wasn’t for this crazy s.o.b. I might never have found the sport that I love. You’re the bomb man!

I have been called a terrorist. An islamofascist. And a fanatic. Guilty on all charges! But there is one thing that I do not want to be labeled: Long-winded (applause).

So in closing, I will paraphrase the infidel Minnie Minosa and say: hide-n-seek been berry, berry good to me. Thank you.”   

Omar does not have any concrete plans for his retirement but did say that he might “dabble a bit in Jihad”.

In other news, former President Clinton has called for The White House to declare war on STD’s.

Note: Thanks to Mudville, OTB and My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll of Pennsylvania was recently taken to task for her decision to show up at the funeral of Marine Staff Sergeant Joseph Goodrich and, as some charge, subsequently attempting to score political points.

Ms. Knoll reportedly told Sgt. Goodrich’s sister-in-law that as Lt. Governor she “attends ninety percent of these functions across the state” and later confided to his aunt that “the government opposes the war.”

We here at TNOYF were impressed with the Lt. Governor’s claim of a ninety percent attendance rate (our Senior Grief Whoring Correspondent verified the numbers), but more-so with the compassion she displayed that is so often lacking in politicians today. We set out to find out some more about this remarkable woman and so we present:

Top 9 Catherine Baker Knoll Past-Times

9.  Visiting elementary schools during the month of December to inform children that there is no Santa Claus. And that all of their fathers are cheating on their moms. With men.

8. Randomly spelling words backwards in memos to dyslexic state employees.

7. Sending elaborate care packages to Gitmo detainees with specific instructions to “Open and enjoy in plain sight of prison guards.”

6. Sending braille death threats to blind Pennsylvanians.

5. Reading The Nose On Your Face (she’s not all bad). 

4. Arm wrestling with her constituents who are inflicted with leprosy.

3. Organizing unchaperoned bus trips to Neverland Ranch for Pennsylvania Cub Scout troops.

2. Co-facilitating a Families of Drowning Victims support group with Ted Kennedy.

1. Campaigning on the cancer wing of local hospitals on a You Brought This On Yourself platform.

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 9″ lists and other organizations “Top 10″ lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 9, theirs have 10. Way different.)

  This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to OTB, Mudville and LaShawn Barber.

Citing the London bombings as “the final straw”, Sir Winston Churchill has returned to life from the great beyond. In his first post-death interview, the former Prime Minister revealed to TNOYF that he was not enjoying a very peaceful death “what with all my rolling over in the grave over recent events“.

“I have only been resuscitated for a brief period of time but I have managed to formulate a plan of action for dealing with the blood-thirsty Arabian scourge,” Churchill stated. “A team of British and American scientists are feverishly working to re-animate Neville Chamberlain. ”

“Once this occurs, he will be converted to Islam and planted in Western Pakistan. From there it is only a matter of time until he rises through Al Qaeda’s ranks and assumes a position of leadership. And thus, victory will be assured and I can get back to the solemn business of being dead.”

In other news Sir Winston has ordered that fake Indian Ward Churchill be tarred and feathered for “sullying what has always been a proud and noble name.”

This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Thanks to Basil, Mudville and OTB.

Renowned fake civil liberties organization the ACLU has recently filed a lawsuit against President Bush for what they call “a flagrant disregard for the civil rights” of  “the vast majority of Americans” with regard to his recent nomination of John G. Roberts to the High Court.

“By narrowing the choice for his Supreme Court nominee to one person - John G. Roberts- President Bush has effectively discriminated against the remainder of United States citizens,” stated ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “Unfortunately this is the type of  exclusionary hominidist tactic that we have come to expect from the Bush White House.”

Senate Democrats have let it be known that Roberts’ confirmation is expected to be a hotly contested and difficult process. However, there does appear to be a silver lining.

“I have to say I’m glad to finally put a face and a name to the person we knew we’d be squarely against,” stated one Democratic insider. “Before Roberts was named all we knew was that the nominee would be far too conservative, that we’d strongly oppose him or her and that we would not allow an up or down vote. But to finally see the person.. it’s just nice.”

In other news, there has been an uncorroborated Waldo sighting in the south of France.

This post is also available at Blogger News Network. Carnival of Comedy is up at IFOC. Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.

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In what many political pundits are calling a brilliant tactical maneuver, the Republican Party is reportedly circulating information that conservative Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts can trace his bloodlines back to the early Gallic peoples.

“Very clever. A sound political move,” gushed one D.C. insider. “This puts the Democrats at a distinct disadvantage. On the one hand, they want to oppose Monsieur Roberts because of his conservative record. Yet, they can’t help but instinctively like him due to his French bloodlines. It is the classic catch .22. I am anxious to see how it plays out.”

Veteran beltway watchers are reporting some subtle changes in Roberts behavior that have a decidedly Franco-flair to them. Among these:

• Morning espresso on his patio with the telltale pinkie-to-the-sky.
• Been seen sporting a small white flag on his lapel.
• Has changed his trademark catchphrase from “I heard that!” to “Sacre bleu!“.
• Has asked to be addressed during press conferences as Jean Le Fitte.

In other news, Yasser Arafat remains stone cold dead.

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

This post is also available at Blogger News Network.

I think that I shall never see

A liver like Ted Kennedy’s

Brave and resilient, a symbol of might

Whilst put to the test night after night

Twere it not for the strength of this filter within

He’d be yellower still than a Chiquita skin

No organ has ever been brutalized such

With the exception of course, of Slick Willie’s tusk

And maybe perhaps, that wondrous skin

That Michael Moore sports alone (but could fit 6 others in)

Formidable as well is the collective bum

Of Michael J’s underage Neverland chums

But pray we return to Ted’s hepatic mate

Which continues to grow at an alarming rate

It swells and inflates right up through his body

All while Ted repeats “Err-ahh, another scotch here hottie!”

The space is used up in the trunk of old Ted

His liver has begun to grow into his head!

How much cranial growth? The statement’s been made

That when out on the street people scream “Hey Kool Aid!”

Alas, through it all Ted remains quite aloof

Does he know that his bile is produced 90 proof?

As for all of us, we watch and we pray

That said liver will take over Ted’s brain someday

And if this occurs (let’s wish for the best!)

May it give his weary tongue a much needed rest

(Thanks to Mudville.)

As our regular readers are aware, the staff of TNOYF has been on an extended vacation at a conservative satire resort for a good deal of the summer. However, when we ventured off of the compound we had the good fortune to meet and spend some time with an old sea dog by the name of Captain Phineas O’Malley.

Phineas sports that weather beaten face which is standard issue in men of the sea. As you gaze into those eyes, perennially poised at half-mast to protect from the sunlight’s glare off of the ocean, you can almost feel the nautical history contained in his genetic make-up.

Phineas can trace his ancestry back to the early 16th century Irish sailors who were as noted for their ability to knock back the grog as they were for their seamanship. The good captain regaled us with tales of pirates and treasure. Of mythical creatures like mermaids, sea monsters and gainfully employed peace protesters.

He is one of those rare characters: a living link to a long ago time. And so as a tribute to the good captain we present, in his own words: 

Captain Phineas O’Malley’s Top 9 Nautical Euphemisms For Sex   

9. Bumpin’ Barnacles

8. Swabbing the Crow’s Nest

7. Layin’ Anchor

6. Going For a 3-hour Tour On the S.S. Phallus

5. Giving Her a Right Good Conching

4. Looking Askew at the Rear Admiral

3. Dropping a Depth Charge In the Lagoon

2. Hiding Nemo

1. Gettin’ Some Skiff On Yer Gangplank

(Note: Please remember to leave your question and comments here for our weekly Letters To The Editor.)

(Thanks to Mudville & Outside the Beltway.)

The Nose On Your Face is seeking letters to the editor and will be answering selected questions in a later post. Please feel free to leave a question or comment in the comment section.

Topics may include but are not limited to:

• Ted Kennedy’s head size, drinking ability or prolific pie-hole
• Hippies
• Fake news (either intentional or mainstream media related)
• My hair and the way it looks in the sunlight
• The Princess Bride
• Nutella
• What the Principal from Welcome Back Kotter is doing today
• Any other questions regarding TNOYF

Looking forward to your input.

Sincerely,

Buckley F. Williams, Senior Editor

For those who care. Or who notice. Or who care to notice. The Nose On Your Face has had a somewhat irregular posting schedule over the past month. We would like to let you know that we will be resuming regularly scheduled posting as of tomorrow.

We are predicting a severe drop in the quality of the writing as our staff has spent much of the summer so far at a very exclusive and non-diverse (apart from the waitstaff) conservative satire resort, and our collective motivation is quite low.

However, we will make every effort to regain your trust and to try to continue delivering the fake news that you cannot find anywhere outside of the mainstream media. This is our pledge. Our vow. Our sacred pact. Our covenant with you, the reader.

Stay tuned.

(Thanks to Mudville.)

Senator Hillary Clinton’s recent comments comparing President Bush to Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neumann have caused her verbal status to be upgraded from a Topical Depression to a Category 5 hurricane.

Even veteran observers of Mrs. Clinton state that the shift in wind severity was barely perceptible.

“If anything I thought that her tirade late last week over… now what was that one over again?” stated a Washington insider. ” Anyways, I though that other one was worse.”

Mrs. Clinton is best known for her very convincing role as a loyal wife to the orally obsessed ex-President Bill Clinton.

(Thanks to Mudville.)