We will be on vacation and unable to post this week. So for your reading pleasure we have compiled a list of some of our favorite articles. Make sure you do not read them all at once. Pace yourself. Read one or two. Mow the lawn. Have a beer. Read another. You get the idea.

• Arnold Eats Stephanopolous- Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of California reacted a bit strongly after a series of harsh questions from ABC News’s George Stephanopolous during their interview Sunday on “This Week”… (continue)
• Bush To Spotted Owls: Bring It On- In what many are calling the first substantial environmental policy of his administration, President Bush has called for a comprehensive, preemptive strike against all endangered species of animals… (continue)
• Q & A With Ted Kennedy- Like most of you out there, when we here at TNOYF think of the word “love”, one man comes to mind: Senator Edward “Teddy” Kennedy (D-Massachusetts). That is why with Valentine’s Day upon us, we were extremely fortunate to sit down with the very busy senior senator from Massachusetts and discuss all things amour… (continue)
• Emeril In Hot Water- Famed chef and TV personality Emeril Lagasse has drawn the ire of anti-gun groups over the use of his trademark catchphrase, “Bam!” TNOYF has received credible reports that the ACLU will be filing a lawsuit on behalf of these groups against Mr. Lagasse citing the “zero tolerance” policies that many schools employ as a precedent for the suit…(continue)
• Top 9 Least Intimidating College Nicknames- 9. The Screaming Ewoks 7. The Marauding Bran Muffins… (continue)
• Easter Bunny Attacked By Peace Protesters- The Easter Bunny was attacked and severely beaten yesterday at an anti-war rally in Fayettenam, North Carolina. The rally was being held to protest the second anniversary of the Iraq War and was attended by literally tens of people… (continue)
• Bauer, Bush Come Under Fire From Human Rights Watch- Leading terrorist rights organization Human Rights Watch has unleashed a barrage of criticism on Jack Bauer of CTU (Counter Terror Unit). Bauer’s aggressive, often violent approach with regards to alleged terrorists has drawn the ire of this impartial organization… (continue)
• Joseph Ratzinger/Lute Olsen Named New Pope- The historic selection on Tuesday of the new pope of the Roman Catholic Church was temporarily obscured by widespread disagreement as to the pontiff’s true identity. Three highly respected “bloggers”, had conflicting reports on the subject… (continue)
• Jury Sees Jacko ‘To-Do’ List- As the bizarre and often disturbing trial of pop superstar Michael Jackson draws to an end, the American people have received yet another glimpse into the differences between fabulously wealthy superstars and everyday people… (continue)

We hope you enjoyed these and as always, we welcome your comments and feedback.

Brad Clarke walked in to The House of Wang earlier this week wanting nothing more than a pint of their famous General Tso’s Chicken. What followed will likely cause all of to reevaluate what we thought we knew to be true.

“I knew something was up as soon as I placed my order,” said Clarke, a regular at the restaurant. “The guy behind the counter repeated it back to me with words instead of the number. That’s never happened. As I looked closer I realized the dude had blond hair, dreadlocks and a ‘Che Rules’ t-shirt on. I knew that uniform immediately and that’s when I called the cops.”

Upon investigation the police discovered that the Chinese restaurants and pretend animal rights group PETA were behind an intricate operation that has trafficked thousands of cats and dogs across the United States to be used as a cheap, yet delicious, chicken substitute.

“I’m a third generation cop,” stated one third generation cop. “My gramps helped take down the mob. My dad told us many stories about Colombian drug traffickers and the violence they did. But this… I ain’t never seen nothing like this. There’s nothin’ so low in the world as a dead-kitty-peddlin’-PETA-poseur!”   

A representative for the Chinese Restaurant Association of America would only go on the record as saying “Swear’gen” and “c—sucker”.

PETA spokesman Vincent D’Arugula issued the following statement: “Abu Ghraib. Gitmo, Gitmo, Gitmo. Cheney’s daughter is a lesbian. Bush lied people died. No war for oil. Haliburton. Bushitler.”

TNOYF’s liberal-to-English translation experts are in the process of decoding this message.

(Thanks to Mudville.)

The Nose On Your Face welcomed our 20,000th visitor earlier today. We appreciate everyone who has helped us along so far and so, in no particular order we would like to thank the following people/places/things.

• Right Wing News- John Hawkins’ site was the inspiration for TNOYF and we used his tips for starting a blog as a road map here (not sure if this will be considered an endorsement or not). John has also been kind enough to link us several times on his excellent new site Conservative Grapevine.
• The Mudville Gazette- The Greyhawks have been especially generous with both their suggestions and their Open Posts which have both helped to get our articles in front of a lot more eyeballs. If you are considering starting a blog, listen closely to their suggestions for new bloggers.
• Basil’s Blog- Basil’s was the first site to link us regularly and remains a regular read for us. Always a great collection of links.
• National Summary- Regular read. For some reason, they seem to like our fake news and have given us a great deal of linkage. Thanks guys.
• The Jawa Report- A daily read. Rusty has consistently insightful takes and runs a great site.
• Right Wing Sparkle- This Cotillion member was the first person to put a TNOYF article up somewhere that people could read it. When she put our post on Arnold Schwarzenneger eating George Stephanopolous on her site, we had our first real bit of great feedback on our blog. Thanks for the encouragement.
• The Conservative Cat- Regular linker, funny feline and one-stop carnival submission shop.
• Hollywood, The Democratic Party (particularly Ted Kennedy), The ACLU, hippies and France- for giving us a plethora of topics to write on. If it wasn’t for your efforts, we’d have no material.
• Riehl World View-Dan was kind enough to let us join White Trash Wednesday (check our WTW category for the full list of members) and has linked us a number of times. Also, he has been enjoying some much deserved success lately with his great coverage of the Natalee Holloway case.
• Outside the Beltway- Their Beltway Traffic Jam has brought us a bunch of new readers.

Pepole that make us laugh.

• Cranky Neocon- One of the funniest and most generous bloggers out there.
• The Therapist- Consistently great satire.
• Right Hand of God- If you don’t visit this site regularly you will turn into a flaming liberal. Seriously. You will.
• Point Five- Three words: Stephen. Hawking. Contributor.
• Vince aut Morire- We’ve tried to get as angry (and funny) as Eric gets, but it feels so forced. He makes it look easy.
• IFOC- Laurence works blue and we love to read it. 
• Wuzzadem- John is just funny. Period.
• Blamebush!- Here is my token fake lefty. Great stuff.
• IMAO- Just… you know.

If we have accidentally left someone out please let us know. If we have purposely left you out, well then… umm… go speak with the guys over at RHOG. They have expressed an interest in handling our hate-mail.

As we are on a tight schedule here and would like to get to our 40,000th visitor by early July, please tell everyone you know about The Nose On Your Face.

Thanks again.

Update:

There has been a great deal of fake controversy and confusion recently over the treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. So to help alleviate some of the confusion The Nose On Your Face has brought to you today:

Top 9 Signs That You Might Be A Prisoner At Guantanamo Bay

9. You have a real nasty case of the goose-bumps.

8. Robert Byrd has named a West Virginia interstate after you.

7. Jimmy Carter wrote to say, “When you get out, somebody is gonna build you a great big house and his name rhymes with Blimmy Zarter!”

6. Two words. Prickly heat.

5. Your head is still attached to your body.

4. (tie) White American college students are wearing really cool t-shirts with your image on them.

4. (tie) You have purchased “Someone Who Loves Me Vacationed At Gitmo And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt!”,  shirts for the family at the prison store. 

3. Oliver Stone wants to do an epic movie based on your life story. Sean Penn is already in Iraq doing research for the lead role.

2. The other islamofascists tease you about putting on the dreaded “Gitmo fifteen” from all of that carby, yet delicious infidel cafeteria food.

1. (tie) You just can’t stop humming that infectious tune from the new Jay-Z song.

1. (tie) You have put “Get Dick Durbin’s autograph” on the very top of your “Things I must do before killing innocent people in Allah’s name” list.

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 9″ lists and other organizations “Top 10″ lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 9, theirs have 10. Way different.)

In the whole of the world there is none more speech frantic

Than Sir Richard of Durbin, Crown Prince of Bad Antics

From his perch high atop the United States Senate

Sir Richard screamed “foul” and then said that he meant it.

“Stalin and Hitler and also Pol Pot

Bad men I concur, but not compared to this lot

For Bush and his Gulag have surpassed them all

How? Take a seat and relax and let me recall.”

Sir Richard leaned forward and commenced his tale

It was how do you say… oh yes… quite a whale.

“The temperature’s cold no wait now it’s hot

Is this how we treat our fellow humans? It’s not.

And long before Thermometergate charges were filed

Came the news that the holy Q’aran was defiled.

Oh the horror, the shame, the cries for your mommy!

To place the Holiest of Books in a fecal tsunami!

But wait, that’s not all, not by shots short nor long

These Army devils keep playing the most vile of songs!

This form of torture is too cruel to consider

Nastier still than the Doo-daddle-diddler!

Brittney Spears, Celine Dion and Manilow too

These poor fellows can’t take it, quite frankly, could you?

Sir Richard sat back with a grin ‘cross his face

He could tell by their looks they had bought this disgrace.

He imagined what came next for Sir Richard of Durbin

Perhaps he’d trade his Cubs cap for a turban?

Satisfied he was achieving what he thunked that he would

The Crown Prince continued, he was feeling quite good.

“Who among us can wonder what response this elicits?

Their religion is peaceful, but does have it’s limits.

The blame for the bombs, fires and decapitations

Lies squarely at the feet of this administration.

You are a bad man you George Double-U

Not only I think it, but Michael Moore too.

Hollywood, France and Vermont are concurrers

Penn, Depp and Couric add their names to the slurrers .

With microphones poised and lots of low aiming

The MSM reporters kept the fires a-flaming.

“Sir Richard,” one asked,” if I may be so bold

How do you know it is true what you’ve told?”

Sir Richard lit up right before them all

And prepared to thwack this question softball.

My dear friend what a terr-if-ic question

I was just about to go in that direction!

The reason I know that my words are so true?

I was told so by Muhammad al Khalid bin Soo

A nice Arab student who wrote me from Gitmo

He told me it’s true, and that makes it so.

Satisfied with the answer and with no follow-up

The reporters nodded as one and said “yep”.

At that point Good Sir Richard began his big ending

The crowd was all ears for the message he was sending.

“If you listen at night you can just hear the squeals

From Muslims being served culturally insensitive meals

Is that what we’ve become in the U.S. today?

By Fidel Castro’s beard, the answer is ‘nay’!

Not as long as my liberal-moonbatty brethren

Can still manage to manipulate public opinion!

He hornswaggled and spun, he raved and he ranted

The hippies held poorly spelled signs and they chanted.

But something was different, quite different this time

I noticed it just past a glassy-eyed mime.

A group of young people with laptops a-glowing

Were speaking to each other with info a-flowing.

They weren’t joining in with Sir Richard’s Bush-floggers

Their facts came from some people called bloggers.

Right Wing News, Michelle Malkin & Captain’s 1/4’s

Dispensed stories with truth, they weren’t following orders.

The Mudville Gazette and Ace of Spades blog

Had all had enough of this Bush-bashing nob.

It became crystal clear there was a turn in the tide

Mindless drivel was something they wouldn’t abide.

Despite all the help from the alphabet networks

Despite ignorant screams of “killer” and “jerks”

Sir Richard, Patron Saint of Islamic fundies

Was roundly pimp-slapped by infidels in their undies.

History will recall him as a left-wing disgrace

And that is as plain as The Nose On Your Face.

(Thanks to Stop The ACLU.)

In his new book “Robert C. Byrd: Child of the Appalachian Coalfields“, Senator Byrd reveals a great deal about his past involvement with the infamous Ku Klux Klan. Byrd credits the Klan for jump-starting his political career and refers to the group as a sort of “Southern version of the Rotary or Elks Club.” Byrd attempted to explain away his Klan ties by saying that at the time he had “tunnel vision” and thought that the Klan “could provide an outlet for my talent and ambitions.”

Many of the right have been very critical of the Senator for his involvement with an organization that killed and terrorized blacks, promoted hatred against Jews and often ripped the tags off of their mattresses. But some conservatives are starting to change their tune.

“You know, I guess I just misunderstood the Klan,” stated one Republican pundit. “I always thought that they were only about lynching blacks and burning crosses. I never realized they were a service organization. My son is seventeen and doesn’t really have a direction in life yet. I was thinking Marines or Peace Corps until I read Byrd’s new book. Now I’m trying to find out if the Klan has a Staten Island chapter.”

In the book Byrd details some of the ways that the Klan provided outlets for his talent and ambitions:

• by providing trainings on having highways, libraries and other publicly funded projects named after yourself
• by offering regular classes on codswallop, gibberish and other forms of nonsensical rhetoric
• by giving a sad, lonely boy from West Virginia a place to feel superior to somebody
• by showing me how to get my whites their whitest

In other literary news, an upcoming autobiography by Charles Manson will detail how AYSO soccer started him down the wrong path in life.

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

We became aware of the following story via Right Wing News who picked it up from Knowledge is Power.

“An armed robber brandishing a revolver and some tough talk entered Blalock’s Beauty College demanding money Tuesday afternoon.

He left crying, bleeding and under arrest, after Dianne Mitchell, her students and employees attacked the suspect, beating him into submission…. (go here to read the rest, you’ll be glad you did).”

As soon as the situation was stabilized, we dispatched our Senior Beauty School Ass-Whuppin’ Correspondent to the scene of the beating to interview the participants.

“There were so many great quotes that the folks in the beauty school shared with me,” our reporter stated. “I decided to whittle them down to just nine.”

Top 9 Things Overheard At ‘The Beauty School Massacre’

9. You want me to shave your neck too, or just your nipples?

8. Look! He pissed himself! That’s nasty.

7. Awww noo! He crapped himself too!

6. You know girls, this blood and urine mixture really does create a great holding effect in my hair.

5. Oh snap! I broke a nail! Now it’s on!

4. Biff! Zap! Ker-blamm-o!

3. You know Raymond, for a gay hairdresser, you sure do swing a mean curling iron!

2. This school is way better than Barbizon!

1. Is that a hair dryer shoved up your ass or are you just happy to… oh wait, that is a hair dryer shoved up your ass. My bad.

Nice job ladies.

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 9″ lists and other organizations “Top 10″ lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 9, theirs have 10. Way different.)

The man who hit 703 homeruns pressed down hard on the remote control and the large plasma screen blinked. Michael Jackson, newly vindicated but looking like he was in a doctor-induced coma as he shuffled out of the court house, disappeared into black. The room fell silent except for the snoring of the dog and the clink of his NLCS championship ring against the metal arm of the chair where he sprawled. The only light in the room spilled from the bay window, beyond which you could see miles of San Francisco sky.

Barry Bonds had met Jackson a couple times, but wasn’t sure where. Maybe the year he went to the Grammys. Where ever it was, he remembered that Jackson had recognized him, called to him in that creepy falsetto voice. He’d waved and smiled, never gotten too close, not really interested in making physical contact. Jackson was repulsive on two counts: he liked boys, and he was apparently trying to bleach his skin.

As much as he didn’t want to admit it, though, they had a lot in common. Michael Jackson knew what Barry Bonds knew: when you were special, people wanted desperately to believe you. All you had to do was give them the haziest reason to doubt the crap that people were saying, and they would defend you to the end, love you more than they did before. These believers were the fans that scared Bonds, the ones that seemed just a bit too passionate when they yelled out to him, or approached him in restaurants. But he needed his ignorant fanatics now more than ever. Just like Michael Jackson, the black man who wanted to be white.

That made him think of Ron Kittle, and his fingers drummed harder on the chair. His attorneys had told him that people would come out of the wood work, but Ron Kittle? The guy was an over-hyped fat boy who’d had a great rookie year, and then spent the rest of his career trying to re-create the magic. Now, 20 odd years later, he still craved it, still wanted a part of what Bonds had. He snickered loudly, and the dog raised its head and looked at him. “What the fuck are you looking at?” Bonds hissed, and slid a slippered foot hard into the dog’s side.

Yes, Ron Kittle was like the rest of them: unable to comprehend the true meaning of responsibility and dedication. Bonds had seen it before. Usually for the Ron Kittles of the world, when the realization set in that they were never going to measure up, it led to jealousy, resentment, and then anger. Ron Kittle had progressed to the final stage, and like the rest, written the book, and called the press conference. Everybody wants a piece.

When the reporters asked him about Kittle’s claims, he tried to take the high road, acted like he had no idea who Ron Kittle was. He did fine until the nasty anger boiled up, the stuff his ex-wife called his black-outs, and he heard himself inviting Ron Kittle to come fight him. The truth was that Bonds remembered the exchange with Kittle very clearly, and the boy did have it wrong. Bonds hadn’t said, “I don’t sign for white people” he’d said, “I don’t sign for white assholes.” He chuckled. “Ronnie, boy, you gotta get your facts straight!” he said aloud. The dog remained still.

He stood to refill his glass, and a wave of dizziness came over him. His knee buckled, and he fell hard to the floor, the glass shattering and the dog fleeing. He laid there for a moment, looking up at the ceiling fan turning, taking stock of the pain. The knee throbbed, a familiar pulsing that reminded him things had changed forever. He laughed again, yelled at the ceiling, “I sure hope old Ron Kittle don’t show up now!”

Barry Bonds was the only one who knew it, but he had played his last baseball game. And the knee, the one that doctors told him was never going to be the same, was just part of it. The rest of him was going to hell in a hand basket. His joints ached constantly, and he needed more pain killers, more regularly. He was going to rehab for the knee, saying all the right things to the doctors and the press, going to the batting cages when he could. It was all part of the plan. He needed people to believe that he was coming back. It would all be part of the final act.

He’d been watching Jason Giambi very closely, seeing more Yankee games than Giants games on satellite TV over the past few weeks. Ever since the big oaf had been trapped on the witness stand and wound up admitting that he had juiced, he’d been nothing more than a guinea pig for Bonds. He was a shell of his former self, a former slugger who seemed to excel at drawing walks, and when he had a particularly bad game at first base in Milwaukee, where he looked like a man with a bad case of vertigo, Bonds had seen enough.

He’d quit, just before he was to come back. He’d tell everyone that he’d thought about it long and hard, but that because of the way his family had been treated, he didn’t want to subject them to any more. And, sadly, he’d retire. He’d say that he didn’t owe baseball anything, that the homerun record wasn’t important to him, and his passionate, ignorant minions would nod approvingly.

This was the responsibility he and Michael Jackson had: to sustain image at all costs. When you had special gifts, you often had special needs. And that often required special handling. It’s a lonely burden, he thought as he sat on the floor in his living room and slowly picked up pieces of glass. Something Ron Kittle can never understand.

Recent remarks by Illinois Senator and alleged American Dick Durbin regarding the conditions at the terrorist prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, have drawn the ire of right-of-center satirists everywhere.

Here is a partial transcript of the comments that have sparked this outrage:

“On one occasion, the air conditioning had been turned down so far and the temperature was so cold in the room, that the barefooted detainee was shaking with cold. ….. On another occasion, the [air conditioner] had been turned off, making the temperature in the unventilated room well over 100 degrees. The detainee was almost unconscious on the floor, with a pile of hair next to him. He had apparently been literally pulling his hair out throughout the night. On another occasion, not only was the temperature unbearably hot, but extremely loud rap music was being played in the room, and had been since the day before, with the detainee chained hand and foot in the fetal position on the tile floor.

If I read this to you and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime–Pol Pot or others–that had no concern for human beings. Sadly, that is not the case. This was the action of Americans in the treatment of their prisoners.”

“Great. Just freakin’ great,” exclaimed one satirist. “ ‘The air conditioning had been turned down so far and the temperature was so cold in the room, that the barefooted detainee was shaking with cold’? I may be good, but I can’t top this. Those same comments appear in an article on Point Five or The Therapist instead of in the MSM and you’re talking pure comedy gold.”

Another humorist had this to say, “It’s competitive enough out there today. I need a Senate hack from Illinois to make my job tougher? And besides, I’ve got my hands full just trying to figure out this damn Google Adsense. I make one small reference to a venereal disease in a satire piece and the next thing you know my site has become ‘chlamydia central’.”

Many on the right feel that Durbin’s comments were made to specifically undermine the conservative-satire juggernaut that has been gaining momentum as of late.

“Look, it’s pretty simple really,” stated one Republican insider. “If party leaders on the left keep coming up with these whacked out statements, pretty soon they will have become the satirists themselves. In essence, Dick Durbin may be making a back-door play for Laurence Simon’s job.” 

A spokesman for Satirists Against Dick Durbin’s Egregious Remarks, has said that his organization is considering a lawsuit if Durbin does not “tone his rhetoric down to a level that will allow for the writing of meaningful satire.”

(Hat tip to Right Wing News. Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

The Nose On Your Face reported yesterday on “The 20 Greatest American Midgets of All Time“. In that article we listed the accomplishments of Americans who, although small in stature, made large contributions to our society.

As we pride ourselves in looking out for the underdog, TNOYF has decided to shine some light on the vast contributions of our brothers and sisters of the Caucasian refuse variety. So today we present:

“The 15 Greatest White-Trash Americans of All Time”

1. Those guys from Deliverance- Ned Beatty’s porcine squeals still haunt us in the still of the night.
2. Paris Hilton- A few of her many contributions include: a) making ’skank’ a household word, b) showing the world that being White Trash is not determined by socio-economic status and c) single-handedly cementing the thong as the panty of choice for an entire generation of American girls.
3. Raymond “Ray-Ray” Johnson- First man to put a car up on cement blocks in his front yard.
4. Verne “June Bug” Carter- Inventor of the tater tot.
5. Jerry Springer- Widely regarded as the Johnny Carson of the WT set. As one guest quipped after appearing on the show, “Man, I tell you what. When Jerry done called them big-ass security guards over to whup my ass, I knew I had arrived.”
6. Anna Nicole Smith- A do-anything-for-money attitude. Shameless self-promotion. Fake ta-ta’s. This lady has it all.
7. Esther Neal- Inventor of the modern day lawn ornament.
8. “Cheddar” Chet Engle- Coined the phrase “pull my finger”.
9. Roseanne Barr- ’nuff said.
10. Seamus McCulloch- Scottish immigrant who is credited with being the man who brought the practice of animal buggery to the U.S.A.
11. Arnold Hammond- This 19th century Arizona resident became the first person to sport a “mullet” after a botched scalping by a hapless Apache brave.
12. Jimbo “Gray Squirrel” Duckworth- The first person to use road-kill as food, Jimbo gained further notoriety for his ability to “kill ‘em and grill ‘em” in an inhumane yet delicious manner.
13. Al Bundy- Al is to fatherhood what Sean Penn is to quantum physics.
14. Boomhauer- We feel that his own words from his bio at Fox.com say it best: “Dang ol’ Boomhauer, man, tell you ’bout myself woowee turns ons ladies and back seats man sunsets cars man, yup love that Bob Dylan like a rolling stone what’d he say, brief man myself yup dang ol’ internet man. Go www dot click click naked chicks yup that’s all me uhuh on the next biography.”
15. Enos Gallo- This lesser known brother of Ernest and Julio is the wunderkind behind the “wine-in-a-box”.

Be sure to visit these other fine sites to see their takes on WT.

basil’s blog 
BOBO BLOGGER
Cranky Neocon
Dangerous Logic
Fistful of Fortnights
HECTOR VEX
It Is What It Is
Mean Ol’ Meany
Merri Musings
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Pirate’s Cove
Riehl World View
Rightwingsparkle
Six Meat Buffet
Sortapundit
The Ebb & Flow Institute
The Jawa Report
The Nose On Your Face
THE STEEL DEAL
The Therapist
Vince Aut Morire

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)