We here at The Nose On Your Face had the good fortune recently to sit down with well-born television personality and general party-girl-about-town Paris Hilton. We chatted with her about everything from her recent engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis to her upcoming film, Some Are In Paris.

TNOYF: Hi Paris, thanks for taking the time to speak with us.

Paris Hilton: Of course. I’m a big fan of noses. I have one you know.

TNOYF: Well it’s just a name really and… Never mind. Let’s hop right in shall we? You are stranded on a deserted island and can bring with you any three things you want. What do you bring?

Paris Hilton: The whole city of Los Angeles, pennicillin and the complete second season of The Wiggles. That’s hot.

TNOYF: Really? The whole city? This is not a huge deserted island we’re talking about here and LA is enormous.

Paris Hilton: You said I could bring anything!

TNOYF: Well yes I know I did, but it’s not a matter of what I said. Look, Los Angeles has a total area of 472 square miles. We’re talking about an island that is maybe 6-8 square miles. It simply cannot work.

Paris Hilton: The back of my eyes are staring to hurt.

TNOYF: Sorry about that. Let’s move on. You have a new movie coming out soon, Some Are In Paris. Can you tell us a little bit about it?

Paris Hilton: It’s sort of a romantic comedy but without the comedy and romance and with more hot sex between strangers.

TNOYF: Are you expecting a big opening?

Paris Hilton: I hope not. I do these special exercises where I squeeze my …

TNOYF: No, I meant your film!

Paris Hilton: Oh! Sorry. I’m such a goose sometimes!

TNOYF: Okay. Next question. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

Paris Hilton: If I were a what?

TNOYF: A tree.

Paris Hilton: Not ringing a bell.

TNOYF: Moving right along. You are known around the world for your wild, partying lifestyle. Yet, at 24 years old you chose to get engaged. Why did you make that decision?

Paris Hilton: I made that decision for a few reasons. First of all, his name is Paris! I mean what are the odds of two people named Paris finding each other? It’s like fate or something. B, he’s from Athens and I have always had a soft spot for French men. And fourth he ships magnets! Magnets are hot!

TNOYF: No Paris, he is a shipping magnate. That means that he… oh never mind.

Paris Hilton:I like when you explain stuff to me. What are you doing after this interview?

TNOYF: Me? Why I… uhh… gee… well… I’m married and… I’m allergic to chlamydia.

Paris Hilton: Married? That’s way hot!

TNOYF: Well that concludes our interview. Thanks for taking the time to meet with us Paris.

Paris Hilton: Hey! Where are you going? Get back here!

(Thanks to Outside the Beltway and The Mudville Gazette.)

The Nose On Your Face would like to thank our Top Referrers from this past week.

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More importantly however, we would like to thank all of the brave men and women in our armed forces (past and present), who have sacrificed and continue to sacrifice so much for all of us.

It is because of you that we have the freedom to do what we do. Thank you all.

Some great tributes to our troops can be found all around the web today, but there are none better than what the Greyhawks have posted at The Mudville Gazette.

As the bizarre and often disturbing trial of pop superstar Michael Jackson draws to an end, the American people have received yet another glimpse into the differences between fabulously wealthy superstars and everyday people.

Late Thursday evening prosecutors entered one of Jackson’s personal “To Do” lists into evidence. Court appointed handwriting experts authenticated the list and the jury is expected to have it presented to them during today’s court proceedings.

TNOYF’s Senior Celebrity Pedophile Correspondent was able to obtain a copy of the list.

Things to do today.

• Have one of the butlers shave my Barbie collection
• Check with the vet to find out if llama’s are venomous
• Have my attorney put an offer in on Phyllis Diller’s remains
• Have maintenance repair the “Wonderful World of Prepubescence” exhibit at Neverland
• Have the maid thaw out a human head for tomorrow
• Write a song about children being supple precious and hot wonderful and naive innocent
• Ask my attorney if my Liz Taylor puppet can still testify on my behalf
• Beat it
• Cane Bubbles for being insolent
• Have a long talk with my chinchilla
• Ask Gary Busey to stop calling
• Stop being a wanton pedophile
• Check into dual citizenship between the U.S.A and Pluto

Defense attorneys maintain that far from proving that Jackson is a molester, this list actually portrays a side of him that should be familiar to all Americans.

“Who among us doesn’t make up a little ‘to do’ list to help us through the day?” asked a Jackson lawyer rhetorically. “Look yourself in the mirror and ask: ‘Hasn’t Gary Busey stalked me at one time too‘? ‘Haven’t I caned my chimpanzee when he was out of line?‘ I know I have. If you are being honest with yourself, the answer is probably ‘yes’ as well.”

Closing arguments are expected to begin early next week.    

Thanks to Mudville.

Fresh on the heels of the smash hit movie Team America: World Police, the films creators have gone back to the drawing board and the result looks like pure box office gold.

“We wanted to stick with an American theme for this new effort,” stated a movie insider. “But we were going for less superhero-ey and more everyday American-ish.” 

Here is an excerpt from the new film which is tentatively titled Trailer-park Trifecta:

Guy: “You live around here?”

Girl: “I live in the third trailer on the left.”

Guy: “Sweet.”

Girl: “It’s alright I guess. Hey, you look real familiar. Do I know you?”

Guy: “Nah. We ain’t never met.”

Girl: “You sure?”

Guy: “Yup.”

Girl: “Okay then.”

Guy: “Want to drink some Pabst Blue Ribbon and make out?”

Girl: “Sure.”

Guy: “Sweet.”

Girl: “Oh wait, I forgot. I have to ask my babysitter first.”

Guy: “Oh.”

Girl: “Hey, do you mind if she comes too?”

Guy: “I guess that’d be okay.”

Girl: “I’ll be right back.”

Guy: “Sweet.”

A release date for the movie has not been announced yet.

  We found this album to indeed be “Devastatin,” as the artists name would suggest.

However, the phrase “turntable slave” was quite misleading. Dave was not in fact enslaved by the turntable. We felt that the use of this term was a shameless attempt to foment racial unrest.

That being said, there was just enough “zip”, way too much “zap” and the amount of “rap” left us begging for  more.

As far as the cover design goes, we felt that this was the best use of Chess King clothing since the 1984 John F. Kennedy High School Prom.

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

Wildlife authorities won’t be fooled twice.

Yesterday’s news that the world’s largest catfish had been hooked in Illinois quickly brought back sad memories of Bubba, the 22 pound lobster hooked in New England earlier this year.

“We learned alot from Bubba,” said Illinois Game Commissioner Ken Harvey. “Trying to keep these exceptionally large creatures alive in captivity just doesn’t work– they die a slow, horrible death. We’ve therefore decided that the catfish will be killed and eaten immediately.”

Bubba gained national attention when he was reeled in by a Nantucket fisherman in February. His soft, succulent underbelly and sad, telescopic eyes quickly made him a nightly news favorite. As his pulse dropped, though, and attention shifted back to the Michael Jackson trial, Bubba was repeatedly sold like a bad stock on Black Tuesday, eventually landing in the Pittsburgh Zoo. Growing moody and ungrateful with his failing health, Bubba never appreciated the cozy confines of a charcoal-filtered aquarium, instead pining endlessly for the harsh, cold water Atlantic depths. He died March 2, baffling zoo authorities, who concluded that “lobsters just don’t live well in captivity.” Making matters worse, Bubba’s diseased carcass could not be consumed, leaving countless suburban Pittsburgh families without lobster meat for an entire weekend.

Plans were in place for the catfish to be filleted alive at a spring barbeque near the creek where he was caught.

“This poor catfish won’t suffer the same horrible indignity that Bubba did,” said Harvey. “We’ll eat him fresh.”

A just released Zogby poll shows that the word “frist” has leapfrogged dozens of other more established slurs to become the put down of choice on school yards across America.

School children across the United States were asked: If you had to put someone down on the playground today, which insult would you be most likely to use?

Ten-year-old Brad Clarke of Hershey, Pennsylvania is being credited as the first child to actually use the word as a taunt.

“I heard my dad screaming at the tv last night over and over,” recalled Clarke. “He kept saying ‘That p—y Frist!’ and ‘F—ing Frist!, again and again. Like, really loud. Then when I went to school I saw Jimmy Dyer. Do you know Jimmy? He’s wicked mean to me. So I called him a ‘frist’. He told on me and I have a lunch detention now.”

Frist, the Senate Democrat minority leader has drawn the ire of many Republicans for his refusal to stray from the Democratic Party line (after initially indicating he would) on the vital issue of judicial nominations and the use of the filibuster.

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

9. “The President is wrong when he says that the constitution demands that a nominee receive an up or down vote. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong-diddly-ong. It says no such thing. How could it? The constitution is a piece of paper and does not have the ability to speak!”

8. “Congress is not an ATM. West Virginia is.”

7. “President Bush caused AIDS.”

6. “Nurse Ratchet, I want my cigarettes! I don’t want his cigarettes, his cigarettes or even your cigarettes. I want my cigarettes! And another thing, keep that damned injun away from me!”

5. “I like Joey and Chandler just fine, but when I want a real guffaw-type belly laugh, it’s all about Ross!”

4. “And upon it’s completion, the Robert C. Byrd Monument Hall of Fame will stand as a monument to all of the monuments that have been erected in my honor thus far.”   

3. “I am still incensed about this phony war in this made-up land of ‘Iraq’! Incensed! To this day the President maintains that ‘Iraq’ actually exists and that the ‘Iraqi’ people are real. The next thing we’ll hear is that… Oh wait. Hold on. There they go again. Can you all hear them too? Someone please make the bad men stop!”

2. “Peckerwoods, assbags and kitten murderers.” (In response to a reporters question: How would you characterize the leaders of the Republican Party?) 

1. “Now how do I turn this mouth off?”

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

Humor

The Nose On Your Face would like to thank our Top Referrers from the past week.

1. IMAO
2. The Mudville Gazette
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4. The Conservative Cat
5. Outside the Beltway
6. Riehl World View
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8. Cranky Neocon

Be sure to visit the Fourth Carnival of Comedy at IMAO. It keeps getting better each week.

Sick and tired of their species being ridiculed and unfairly treated, a group of bears has bonded together to do something about it. The ACLU is in the process of filing class action lawsuits against several sources that seek to restore the good name of bears everywhere.

“Grizzlies, pandas, koalas. All of the major bear species are working together on this one,” stated ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “We seek to put an end to the shame and ursinist propaganda that bears have to deal with on a daily basis in this country.”

Zoological experts tell The Nose On Your Face that this degree of cooperation among bears in the wild is highly unusual.

“This degree of cooperation among bears in the wild is highly unusual,” stated a zoological expert.

The lawsuits seek the following:

• Change of the question “Does a bear s— in the woods?”, to “Does a hippie smell like ass and Cheetos?”
• A maximum 6 hour workday for NZ Bear.
• More money for ursine social programs in Jellystone Park so that Yogi Bear does not have to suffer the daily humiliation of being forced to steal picnic baskets to survive.
• A more masculine voice for Boo-boo Bear.
• “Right of Return” to Yosemite National Park for all circus bears.
• Federal dispensation for bears to open casinos in their habitats.

In other news, Ted Kennedy’s liver has seceded from his body.

(Thanks to Mudville and Ouside the Beltway.)

My Way News reported yesterday that a gaggle of large black birds called “grackles” has been terrorizing the downtown Houston area. These birds, which can boast up to a two-foot wingspan, have taken to swooping down from above and attacking the heads, hair and backs of passersby.

The Nose On Your Face has been able to confirm reports that these crafty birds have developed the ability to “shape-shift” into semi-human form and have now been sighted in the nation’s capitol.

“In Houston at least, we knew  what we were dealing with,” stated Dr. Hector Aguila, a noted ornithologist.”This new strain is far more insidious. The Houston grackles are extremely aggressive, but this is in defense of their nests which is common bird behavior. The D.C. grackles are displaying a degree of mindlessness I have not heretofore witnessed in the bird world. Strange birds indeed”

Aguila went on to say that the “character assassinating, filibustering and ‘me-me-me’ ” behaviors that the D.C. grackles display is “unprecedented and frankly, quite chilling.” 

Washington D.C. law enforcement officials working alongside officers from the Department of Environmental Conservation, hope to capture, tag and release several of the D.C. grackles so that their behaviors can be studied more closely.

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

Carnival of the Vanities is up at the Commonwealth Conservative.

The Best of Me Symphony is up at The Owner’s Manual.

Newsmax magazine reported yesterday that a new herb has been found that greatly reduces a persons desire to consume alcohol. An extract from the plant, “kudzu”, is believed to “contain a compound that can be effective in reducing alcohol intake among humans.”

Scientists have theorized that kudzu creates the sensation of intoxication by increasing a persons blood alcohol level and speeding up the effects of alcohol upon consumption. Or as researcher Scott Lukas put it, a person simply needs “fewer beers to get drunk.”

“People are busy today,” said another researcher. “They don’t have the time to sit around drinking beer after beer. But they still want that high feeling. What are the current alternatives? Heroin? Too dangerous. Crack? Too destructive. Pot? Well, sometimes you want something to complement that pot high. That’s where kudzu fits in.”

As one might imagine, the potential benefit of such a drug is enormous and the researchers are eager to create a capsule form and offer it to the public.

Potential marketing slogans for Kudzu include:

• Kudzu: For those times you want to get sauced but just don’t want to work at it.
• Money tight but still want to score with the ladies? Try Kudzu!
• Want the benefits of being a raging alcoholic without all of that pesky liver damage? Then Kudzu is the thing for you!
• 4 out of 5 Irishmen surveyed recommend Kudzu for those times you just can’t get a pint.
• Kudzu: Now available in regular, extra and trailer-park strengths.
• Kudzu: The cops will never smell it on your breath.
• Kids driving you nuts? Slip one capsule of Kudzu in their Ovaltine and tuck ‘em in.
• Got Kudzu?

Other slogan suggestions are welcomed.

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)

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As fellow fake news outlet Newsweek continues their internal investigation into the Koran flushing incident, it appears the law of unintended consequences has struck across the Middle East. Many Muslims have become so enraged by the reported desecration of their holy book that they have turned to ‘gangsta rap’ as an outlet.

“The usual suicide bombings and beheadings just didn’t seem to take the edge off this time yo,” said MC Allah Red. “I mean they put the Koran in the poo-poo place! We needed something that was gonna’ really allow us to express just how f—ed up this s— is, know what I’m saying? So I formed MC Allah Red and the Jihad Crew. What?!?”

The Nose On Your Face has obtained the lyrics from the group’s new single, “An Eye For An Eye”:

One two, one two, yeahhh.

Oh, oh. Yeahhh, yeahhh.

My name is Allah Red- I’m a Gemini.

Try to punk Allah it’s an eye for an eye.

You infidels subjected the Koran to desecration.

Whoops! Look out y’all! It’s time for decapitation.

Cuz it’s an eye for an eye, oh, oh, umm, yeahhh.

An eye for an eye.

You take my fellow Muslims to Gitmo.

I say hells-no.

I’m gonna’ git mo belts on kids to blow y’all sky high.

Why? Cuz it’s an eye for an eye.

What?

The groups debut album “Aww Junk, You Gone and Done it Now!” will be available in late June.

Update: More reactions regarding the Newsweek story can be found at Dean’s World.

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway and The Jawa Report.)

AP Photo. Hat tip to Newsmax.

Newsweek Magazine apologized Sunday for a May 9th report that U.S. personnel had desecrated and then flushed a copy of the Koran down the toilet while interrogating Muslim prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

After the article was published, large riots erupted throughout the Middle East with government buildings being burned, relief offices destroyed and at least 15 people killed.

“The infidels have blasphemed our Holy Book by putting it in that most unclean of places,” wailed Ali bin Ali. “In response I call for a global Jihad against the Great Satan. This will be in addition to the 216 current Jihads that are already in place. ”

Newsweek Editor Mark Whitaker, who has been on vacation and unreachable by phone this week was told of the error yesterday upon his return. He released the following statement: 

“Yeah that was my bad. I was supposed to bring the article with me on vacation, but who wants to work when you’re on Martha’s Vineyard? When we got home I just wanted to crash but noooo. I had a wicked busy Sunday. I had to mow the lawn, both my daughters had soccer games and the wife has been riding me about looking at new fixtures for the bathroom so we went down to the Home Depot.

In hindsight I probably should have checked the source a bit better, but that Blair guy seemed to really know what he was talking about. Why? Nothing happened did it?”

Newsweek officials told TNOYF that they will be conducting a full investigation into this matter and have already contracted with Ward Churchill to lead the inquiry.

“Mr. Churchill comes to us with impeccable credentials as an investigator,” stated one Newsweek official.”He has some very impressive people listed as references as well: Sherlock Holmes, Sitting Bull and Madonna.”

We will bring you updates on this story as they become available.

(Thanks to Mudville and Outside the Beltway.)