We were recently “tagged” with an evil poetry assignment by It’s A Pundit. Although we are a respectable fake news organization and normally do not engage in such child-like antics, the police felt it best if we played along until they are able to determine whether or not this “Puppy Blender” individual is dangerous.

The rules are simple: write a poem with “turd in a punchbowl” in the first and third lines, then pass it on to 3 unsuspecting  bloggers.

Turd in a punch bowl

Bobbing up and down

Turd in a punch bowl

Your presence makes me frown

Turd in a punch bowl

I look on you with scorn

Turd in a punch bowl

Is that a piece of corn?

Turd in a punch bowl

I find you a disgrace

Turd in a punch bowl

You’re still funnier than The Nose On Your Face.

We will now tag Point Five, Right Wing Sparkle and The Therapist. Please join us in praying (are we still allowed to pray?) for a speedy and safe resolution to this episode.

The Nose On Your Face would like to extend a sincere “thank-you” to this week’s Top Referrer’s. We are pleased to announce that along with the honor of making this list, they will each receive a sweet low rider just like the one pictured.

1. IMAO- Go here to help wish Saddam Hussein a “Happy Birthday!”
2. The Mudville Gazette- Go here to find out what is happening on the front.
3. Ravings of John C. A. Bambenek- Visit John to find out the truth about the filibuster.
4. Right Wing Sparkle- When you visit her, be sure to help her caption this picture.
5. Outside The Beltway- If you like caption contests, click here to find a pretty complete list of the ones that are going on this weekend.
6. The Conservative Cat- If you want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God (Are we still allowed to write the word God? We’ll have to check with with our friends at Stop the ACLU! ), then you have no choice but to click here.          
7. Cranky Neocon- Visit el Crankbo to find out Winnie the Pooh’s former moniker. I never realized that “Pooh” was not his given name.
8. The Political Teen- Click here to find out the answer to the age old question, “Is that burrito loaded?” 

While you are here please be sure to visit our sponsors in the left hand column. Our math is a bit rusty, but we are pretty sure that: More money=more funny (shameless capitalistic plug). Obviously we have very little money so you figure out the rest.

Thanks again and as always we appreciate your support.

Across the Tri-State area, businesses are reporting slow-downs in productivity and an increase in employee sick days. At the same time, doctors have seen a dramatic increase in patients complaining of exhaustion and knee and leg pain.

The new Asian Flu? Mass Depression? Diphtheria?

In a medical breakthrough that will be published next month in the Harvard Medical Review, doctors believe they have isolated a new malady they are calling “Chronic Bandwagon Fatigue Syndrome (CBFS).” Doctors believe this is the first documented instance where a spectator sport has created a chronic, physical health problem for fans. And it seems that while the New York area is hardest hit, Boston has its fair share of cases.

Doctors believe CBFS is the natural physical progression of two recently discovered psychological disorders, FWFD (Fair Weather Fan Disorder) and FRP (Front Runner Paranoia). Simply put, fans who have latched on to a successful team, and then spent significant money in season tickets and gear to create the illusion of long-term commitment, are now discovering that success is often fleeting, and that there are painful physical side effects.

The typical CBFS sufferer is actually young and upwardly mobile, with high income,” says Dr. David Gould of Mt. Sinai Hospital. “They come in here fatigued and suffering from dangerously low blood pressure. There is significant effort required to abandon a team after a loss and then re-dedicate yourself after a win, particularly when it’s the next day. The body starts to break down.”

Doctors are also finding that CBFS sufferers aren’t aware of their team’s prior history.

“Most of us know the Yankees did not made the playoffs once between 1980-1996,” continued Dr. Gould. “But the CBFS patient has no clue. And we don’t dare tell them. In their condition, that sort of revelation could kill them on the spot.”

Knee and leg injuries are also associated with CBFS, from repeated jumping off and climbing back up on the bandwagon. Sprained ankles, bruised knees, and bad backs are just some of the ailments. “I had a guy come in one day with a turned ankle from jumping off,” said Gould, “and then he came in the next day with a slipped disk in his back. Seems he climbed back on, and tried to pull his buddy back up.”

Doctors believe that the only true cure for CBFS will be either a sustained winning streak or epic collapse on the part of the Yankees.

“It’s the win a game, lose a game stuff that’s killing these people,” said Gould. “They don’t know whether they are coming or going.”

The Nose On Your Face has learned that a growing number of American girls (some as young as nine), are using performance-enhancing steroids. According to the on-line newspaper “Stuff“, the drugs are being used in an attempt to “get the toned, sculpted look of models and movie stars.”

An elementary school in Pennsylvania learned that this trend carries with it dangerous consequences not only for the girls, but for the staff as well.

“This is something that is completely new to us and we aren’t quite sure how to deal with it,” stated Johnathon Martin, a guidance counselor at the school. “The few girls that I approached who I strongly suspected were using steroids were less than receptive to counseling.”

Mr. Martin went on to say that the girls “circled up on me, began a strange chest thumping ritual and proceeded to beat me about the face and head areas with their bookbags. That’s the last thing I remember.” After school officials rescued Martin from the locker the girls stuffed him in, he was admitted to St. Mary’s Hospital. He remains in stable condition.

Experts tell us that if you suspect that your daughter or a young girl you know is using steroids, you should look out for the following signs:

• a marked increase in peeing while standing up
• Barry Bond’s phone number repeatedly comes up on her caller ID
• her Barbie dolls have all had their heads and limbs violently torn off
• Leonardo DiCaprio and James Caan keep calling her for a date
• there is an ongoing congressional investigation of her Girl Scout troop
• Jose Canseco went on national television and outed her
• razor burn on her back and shoulders
• her pat response to all questions is “Back off b—-!”

In a related matter, stock in Clearasil has recently soared to $3,275 a share.

Hat tip to IMAO. Thanks to Mudville and Outside The Beltway.

Curt Schilling today issued a press release reversing his harsh comments about Tampa Bay Devil Ray manager Lou Piniella, saying it was a “gross misstatement.” He asked that a congressional hearing be convened at which he could clarify his feelings on Pinella’s intellect, offer some suggestions as to how Pinella might better motivate his team, and share his 12-point plan for decreasing fighting in baseball.

The reversal was a welcome surprise for baseball executives, who were growing concerned about the bad blood between the Red Sox and Devil Rays, feeling that it would detract from the bad blood between the Red Sox and Yankees.

The statement from Schilling attempted to explain his sudden change of heart.

“At first, I thought I heard all the Devil Ray players saying that Lou was an idiot. Then I thought, maybe it was only a few of them. Truth is, I wasn’t on the field. But I could see their lips moving, and it sure looked like they were saying ‘Lou’s an idiot’. But maybe it was ‘Ouch my tibia.’ Either way, Lou’s idiocy is clearly not a pervasive problem.”

His statement continued:

“As the son of a man who served almost two decades in the United States Army as a member of the 101st Airborne Division, with a brother in law who served in Vietnam, a cousin that served in the U.S. Navy aboard the USS Carl Vincent, another cousin who recently finished his service in the United States army as a member of the Army Rangers, Green Berets, and finally the Delta Force, and a third cousin twice removed who once killed a squirrel with his bare hands, I am undeniably a heroic figure. This makes me uniquely qualified to assess any situation with confidence, as well as change my mind decisively. Lou was an idiot before, and now he’s not.”

Schilling’s request for another congressional hearing was unprecedented, and being mulled by members of Congress.

“Oh, Christ,” muttered Senator John McCain, reached by phone for a reaction to Schilling’s comments. “This means he’s going to start calling again. He thinks we’re friends, calls me ‘The McCainster.’ This is off the record, right?”

President Bush has received varied reactions to his decision earlier in the week to be photographed holding hands with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz. Some have suggested that the President was merely following Muslim custom. Others have expressed outrage that the leader of the free world was seen cozying up to the leader of the country that produced fifteen out of the nineteen 9/11 terrorists. Yet others opined that there was perhaps a spark of romantic interest between the two world leaders.

The following statement released by the President did little to damper the last assertion.

“First of all let me say that The Crown Prince and I are not in love as some have suggested. However, we do like to have gay sex. I know you have only seen us holding hands but trust me, when we are alone, it’s gay sex, gay sex, gay sex. Now I know that I am not the only man in the Prince’s life. He has also been having gay sex with Osama, al Zarqawi and several hundred other fellas named Mohammed. I am okay with this. You only live once. I just wish he would use protection.

Now, I understand that under Saudi Arabian Law, same-sex intercourse carries the death penalty. This saddens me deeply. However, I am a man of law. And if this means the Prince and the others that he had gay sex with have to be put to death, then unfortunately that is what must happen. I will not stand in the way of the investigation of these men. My office has already drawn up a list of their names, complete with photographs and their last known whereabouts. Thank you. ”

A spokesman for Prince Abdullah responded by saying, “This is madness!This is the sort of statement that could get the Crown Prince stoned to death! Our laws do not permit the having of gay sex! Prince Abdullah categorically denies all of these charges!”

Developing…

Thanks to Mudville.

Thanks to Yahoo! for the picture.

Newsmax.com reported yesterday that Irish rock star and human rights activist Bono is furious with Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin. Bono is upset because he feels Martin has reneged on a pledge to boost Canada’s foreign aid to developing countries. For his part, Martin replied that his country’s donation of 75% of their gross domestic product to Bono’s cause, while admittedly a small amount, is still a “good start.”

“Em, if countries such as Canada don’t starting stepping up and giving 90 maybe 95% of their GDP to the poor Africans, then all of their talk is just a load of codswallop,” fumed Bono. “Bloody hell, is anyone else not concerned that their won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas? Am I the only one?”

We here at The Nose On Your Face have a good relationship with the U2 front-man and, (after we wrote a sizable check for his “Nutella for Nigerians” project), he agreed to compile a list of other things that really make him mad.

Bono’s Top 9 Things That Cheese Me Off

9. (tie) People who misspell U2.

9. (tie) When I am about to snog some bird and I reach down and find that she has a todger.

8. When some wanker serves me up me bangers and mash cold.

7. (tie) People who confuse “bollocks” with “buttocks”.

7. (tie) When someone nicks me Lucky Charms.

6. Canada, Greedy Canada.

5. Carrot Top. I am a patient man, but I have me limits.

4. Not being able to find what I am looking for. It’s bloody maddening.

3. (tie) When me album opens up at number 2 on the charts.

3. (tie) People who don’t use their hands-free option on their cell phone while driving.

2. When I have to kick the Edge in his goolies for stealing his drinking money out of the band’s UNICEF can.

1. When people don’t know it’s Christmas time. At all.

(Disclaimer: Any similarities between TNOYF’s “Top 9″ lists and other organizations “Top 10″ lists are purely coincidental. As you can see, our lists have 9, theirs have 10. Way different.)

Note: Thanks to The Mudville Gazette and Outside The Beltway.

In a life that had been the definition of easy and effortless, the last 15 months must have been utterly maddening for Alex Rodriguez. In his first year as a Yankee, he put up statistics that most players would have given their pancreas for, but the numbers were dismissed as not Rodriguez-caliber. In the playoffs, after a solid divisional series, he fell apart in the ALCS. The final indignity was the now famous “slap-play,” where attempted hustle was viewed as attempted cheating. Want more? There are probably more pictures of Rodriguez on the internet right now with purple lipstick and a purse then with a glove and bat. It’s been a fast drop for the best player in baseball. It certainly wouldn’t be far-fetched to assume that, during some sleepless night, staring at the ceiling, Rodriguez has asked himself, “What have I got to do?”

Well tonight we have the answer: 3 Homeruns and 10 RBIs in one game.

To listen to Yankee fans right now, Rodriguez has finally arrived. It required one of the most productive nights in the 100+ year history of baseball for them to say, “OK, this is what we paid for.” One week’s production in 3 hours.

It is only one game; it does not signal redemption anymore than the last 15 months deserved condemnation. But for the first time in his Yankee career, Alex Rodriguez has the right answer to the question, “What have you done for me lately?”

Quite a-freaking-lot.

I believe Alex Rodriguez is a good man who’s been handled his entire life, the boy king who inherited the throne at 10 and has no idea how real folks cope. He’s getting a lesson, one that he’s been able to avoid until now. It’s the lesson of adversity, of how to fight through a persistent case of mortality. What’s most frightening about how Alex Rodriguez comes through this lesson? He might actually wind being a better baseball player.

A few years from now, when Alexander Rodriguez is entrenched at third base or shortstop or where ever he decides he wants to play for the Yankees, the second-guessing and ridicule of 2005 will be a distant memory– for most. Those who called for his trade, or benching, or summary execution will orphan those comments faster than you can say fairweather.

This is part of the lesson for Rodriguez: you don’t get to say I told you so. That is the privilege of being a New York fan– we reserve the right to change our minds, daily if necessary, to reflect what we see on the field. After 30 years, enough of George Steinbrenner has seeped into our marrow that we’ve become him. We want what we want when we want it. And nobody knows that any better right now than Alex Rodriguez.

Bill Frist’s removal from power earlier this month by the little known “Writ of the Sea“, has left a power vacancy in the U.S. Senate. Now however, the crafty, sea-faring blogger Captain Ed who invoked the writ, is nearly ready to name a successor.

“I understand that people are anxious to have a new majority leader in place. However, we don’t want just anyone to fill this position,” stated the Captain.”What the Republican party needs is someone who can take a tougher stance than was taken by former Senator Frist. Someone who shows more backbone and is willing to stand up and act like he is the leader of the majority party!”

A spokesman for the Captain stated that his list has been narrowed down to two candidates. They are listed below along with a brief bio on each:

1. Captain William Parmenter-                                              

• extensive military experience
• best known as the commander of Fort Courage
• has endured the ferocious “Hakawi War-cry” so Barbara Boxer’s screeches should have little effect
• his soft, NPR-quality voice will likely convert many Democrats to his side

2. Underdog-

• extensive experience fighting bad guys
• has two personalities (underdog/shoeshine boy)which will likely garner sympathy on the other side of the aisle

• has a formidable ability to rhyme  (”When Polly’s in trouble I am not slow, it’s Hip, Hip, Hip and away I go !”)  
• has been known to “smack a fool down” if the situation demands it

Update: Ward Churchill has just claimed membership in the Hakawi Tribe. Developing…

(Note: Please visit The Jawa Report for an important post.)

(Note: Thanks to Outside The Beltway for providing another forum for this article.)

(Note: Thanks to The Mudville Gazette for providing another forum for this article.)

Note: Thanks to www.KenBerry.com and web.utk.edu for the pictures.

In what many are calling a clear attempt to piggyback in on the success of Air America talk radio, Arianna Huffington has recently begun soliciting celebrity contributors to participate in a new on-line venture. Ms. Huffington has already signed up a host of big name participants for her new “group blog” that aims to tackle todays biggest issues in the fields of culture and politics.

“Blogging and celebrities are just such a natural fit,” cooed Ms. Huffington. “Celebrities are just like everybody else. Only more interesting, better dressed and with superior opinions. I think the time is ripe for the world to finally hear what they have to say, and blogs will give them the forum to be heard.”

Ms. Huffington went on to say that the site will be politically “neither left nor right” in nature. Some of the contributors that have already signed on include: Warren Beatty, Walter Cronkite and Diane Keaton. Her lawyers remain in negotiations with Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-Il as they hope to give the blog “more of an international flavor.” 

Some of the proposed features of the blog include:

• Caviar Tip of the Day
• Dear Kofi…
• Guess Who I Am Wearing
• Bush: Evil or Just Stupid?

The Nose On Your Face has made multiple attempts to contact conservative bloggers for comment, but there is apparently an internet-wide e-mail malfunction occurring. All of the e-mails were returned with the exact same response: “LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!” Hopefully this problem will get resolved quickly and we can bring you their actual responses.

Note: Thanks to Outside The Beltway for providing another forum for this article.

The Nose On Your would like to thank our top referrers from this past week. As you can see, there were several ties among the top 7 slots. Competition to make the coveted “top referrers” list and claim valuable prizes is becoming increasingly stiff, so to earn your spot on this list you will really have to schlep this site.

This weeks top referrers have each won a copy of the sheet music from “Lamb Chop’s Special Chanukah!” A gezunt dir in pupik!

1. Conservative Dialysis- Click here to see why Nick reads the police blotter each morning.

2. The Mudville Gazette- Click here to find out some of the job perks Google employees receive.

3. Captain’s Quarters- Click here to learn more about the situation in Belarus.

4. (tie) Conservative Cat- Click here to find out more about the good omen Ferdinand received.

(tie) CrankyNeocon- Click here to get the inside scoop on the Wendy’s finger-in-the-chili incident. Why the authorities did not check with Gordon first is beyond us.

5.(tie) Outside The Beltway- Go here to read up on the latest John Kerry temper tantrum. The run up to 2008 should be as brutal as it is long.      

(tie) The Political Teen- Go here to see what is happening in blogs today.    

(tie) Am I A Pundit Now?- Go here for more Kerry whining.   

6. Blame Bush!- Go check out The Chimp That Stole Earthday. We laughed. We cried. We stir-fried a baby seal.

7. Freedom Stone - Go for the excellent products (this is one of our personal favorites). Stay for the recommended links.

Thanks again to everyone who visits our site and to all of our referrers. It is because of your support that The Nose On Your Face continues to grow each week at a pace that nearly outstrips Ted Kennedy’s scotch consumption. As always your comments are welcomed and encouraged.

(Thanks to www.sheetmusicco.com for the picture.)

New York Police had more than they could handle over night as a large group of Yankee fans gathered near City Hall to call for a federal investigation into the Yankees’ early season struggles.

Chanting “We Pay More, We Deserve More” and “If We Wanted to Lose, We’d Live in Kansas City,” the group began to gather shortly after the Yankees’ loss to the Texas Rangers, and grew in size and righteous indignation as the evening turned to morning.

“We’re calling for Mayor Bloomberg to get involved, because there is clearly something vile and corrupt at work in the Yankee organization,” said protest organizer, season ticket holder, and New York lawyer Ben Arnold. “On Monday, we are filing a suit in city court requiring the Yankees to immediately cease and desist from losing. We are also demanding a World Series victory as rightful compensation for our pain and suffering over the past 3 weeks.”

A nearby Starbucks stayed open throughout the night, providing the crowd with free mocha-frappa-wappa-lattes, which only seemed to fuel their simmering displeasure.

“I’m a busy man,” said investment banker Ken Matthews. “I’ve got a big job with huge, important responsibilities, and a family that I see mostly on weekends. I need to know that certain things in my life are just going to be there, and the Yankees’ winning is one of them.”

Some wondered aloud what sort of impact the Yankees 7-10 record would have on their children.

“I won’t let my daughter watch TV or read the newspaper,” said suburban housewife Jan Smith. “I can’t have her seeing this sort of thing. Next thing you know, she’ll think it’s OK for her soccer team to lose. What happens next? Where does it stop?”

Arnold also revealed that the police were being petitioned to issue arrest warrants for Kevin Brown and Bernie Williams.

“They are simply violating our standards of decency,” he explained. “They need to be taken off the street.”

At a certain point, a man wearing a Milwaukee Brewers hat wandered through the crowd, and things got tense. He was showered with chants of “Small Market Loser” and “Give Us Ben Sheets or we’ll buy Milwaukee and call it New York West” as police ushered him past the highly caffeinated crowd.

City Hall had no comment.

In recent years the Democratic party has been branded as soft on terrorists by, among others, Republicans, men, toddlers and terrorists. John Kerry’s statement during the 2004 presidential campaign, that we should “fight a…more sensitive war on terror“, did little to change this perception. Neither did the fact that the Democrats offered nothing in the way of real solutions. Until now.

A new proposal has been drawn up by the uber-clandestine Democratic group, Winning the War on Terror Without Hurting People, Plants or Feelings, that is turning some heads on both sides of the aisle. This group has been working secretly with military experts from the Birkenstock Company, Ben & Jerry’s and various patchouli oil manufacturers to develop weapons and techniques to be used in the War On Terror.

Some of the changes proposed include:

Psy-ops:

• Circulating cd’s and tapes (voiced over by Al Franken) with the message, “You are good enough. You are smart enough. And doggone it, people like you.”, to increase jihadists self-esteem and lessen the likelihood that they will want to blow themselves up.
• Circulating tapes of old Jerry Lewis/Dean Martin “buddy movies”. Because it’s hard to kill when you are belly-laughing.

Non-lethal Weapons:

• XR-9 Feather Rifle- designed to tickle terrorists into submission.
• GA-6 Chunky-Monkey Automatic- the ordnance distributed by this weapon is just too delicious to pass up.

Aircraft:

• F-275A Stealth (part of the Heaven on Earth initiative)- designed to sneak behind enemy lines and airdrop up to 72 virgins at a time.

The proposal goes to the House early next week.

In a related matter, military officials have reported that several caches of “weapons grade Nutella” have been found in Central Iraq.

Developing…

Note: This has been a Precision Guided Humor Assignment.

Note: Thanks to The Mudville Gazette for providing another forum for this article.

Note: Thanks to Outside The Beltway for providing another forum for this article.

As The Nose On Your Face reported yesterday, Lute Olsen/Joseph Ratzinger has ascended to the role of Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. While the confusion as to the pope’s true identity has been cleared up, the outcry from politicians and other public figures opposed to the new pope has only just begun.

For our reader’s convenience TNOYF has compiled some of their statements below:

• “I have known this man since I was the starting center on the 1997 University of Arizona national championship team. I know him to be a right-wing nutcase and a Jesus-freak of the first order. Did I mention he owns stock in Haliburton?”- Al Gore
• “When I was re-painting The Sistine Chapel back in the late ’70’s, I had the opportunity to have lunch with this pope. I am convinced that this man is not only a Nazi sympathizer but that he is strongly “anti-tenure” with regard to university professors. He must be stopped.“- Ward Churchill
• “While he was still a cardinal this man had the audacity to forbid me, a Vietnam war hero, from receiving communion just because I support the killing of unborn babies. I want to go on the record as saying that none of those babies served honorably in Vietnam and earned the prestigious medals that I did.“- John Kerry
• “Err-ahh… I am still holding out hope that that Cliff Clavin fellow is actually the new pope. Heh-heh. I’ve always wanted to meet Sam Malone. He has the one job in the world better than mine: bartender/tail-hound. Heh-heh.“- Ted Kennedy
• “(Inaudible screeching).”- Howard Dean

We will continue to bring you updates on this story as they become available.

Note: Thanks to The Mudville Gazette for providing another forum for this article.

Note: Thanks to Outside The Beltway for providing another forum for this article.

The historic selection on Tuesday of the new pope of the Roman Catholic Church was temporarily obscured by widespread disagreement as to the pontiff’s true identity. Three highly respected “bloggers”, had conflicting reports on the subject.

Liberal Larry from Blame Bush! reported that Joe Pesci had been named pope and provided strong photographic evidence to back his assertion. Kevin from Wizbang! reported that former Cheer’s star John Ratzenberger had ascended to the papacy. In this case as well, information was provided that could easily have led to that conclusion.

However, The Nose On Your Face agrees (at least partially) with John Hawkins conclusion: that the new holy father is in fact former cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany. But with one caveat. We have strong reason to believe that Ratzinger and University of Arizona men’s basketball coach Lute Olsen are in fact one in the same person.

Listed below is the evidence that we feel proves this assertion:

• Ratzinger’s CYO team had a 3954-1 all time win-loss record (the one loss came by forfeit)
• Olsen’s University of Arizona teams had a strong propensity to pray before all games (not just Pac-10 or NCAA tournament games)
• Former Pope John Paul had box seats to all University of Arizona home games      
• Ratzinger was often seen sporting a “The Only True Devil is a Sun Devil” t-shirt
• Olsen adheres to a strict wienerschnitzel and bratwurst diet
• Arizona players were given holy water in lieu of Gatorade during breaks in play
• The two men have never appeared in the same room together

It is our sincere wish that this ends debate on the topic. Furthermore, we hope that Ratzinger/Olsen come clean and that they/he enjoy(s) a healthy and prosperous papacy.

Note: Thanks to The Mudville Gazette for providing a forum for our article.

Note: Thanks to Outside The Beltway for providing a forum for our article.

(Thanks to sportsmed.starwave.com for the Olsen pic and to onlinewahn.de/terror.htm for the Ratzinger pic.)