Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of California reacted a bit strongly after a series of harsh questions from ABC News’s George Stephanopolous during their interview Sunday on “This Week”.

Stephanopolous began the interview by pointing out the recent dip in Governor Schwarzenegger’s approval ratings.  Next he asked a series of pointed questions that dealt with the governor’s past steroid use.

The interview was cordial if not confrontational up to this point. However, Stephanopolous then  crossed the proverbial line when he said the following:

“Governor Schwarzenegger, studies that have been conducted by reliable, non-partisan organizations find that in a fight between ‘Conan the Barbarian’ and ‘Rambo’, ‘Rambo’ would in fact win and win big. I’m talking a good old fashioned beat-down. How do you respond to this?”

At that moment Schwarzenegger reached over, picked Stephanopolous up by his ankles, devoured him whole and calmly walked off of the set.

An ABC News producer speaking on condition of anonymity stated, “In hindsight it might have been best to have stayed away from the ‘Conan versus Rambo’ line of questioning.”

Governor Schwarzenegger told TNOYF’s Senior Californian Correspondent that he has “no regrets” about eating Stephanopolous and that he was in fact “delicious.”

TNOYF  would like to thank our top referrers from last week.  Each of them will be sent an autographed picture of Jonathan Winters and a 6-month supply of Nutella.

Right Wing Sparkle (a special thanks for being the 1st to give TNOYF some great press)

The Blog from the Core

National Summary

Basil’s Blog

Buckeye Pundit

studentcon

We here at TNOYF would like to apologize for any inconvenience to our readers as a result of our servers being down last night and early this morning. Members of our support team responded very quickly and were finally able to remedy the problem.

More troubling is the information that has been trickling in to our staff throughout the day that suggests that this may have been a planned attack. We do not have any proof at this time, but our undercover coffee house correspondents report “increasing chatter” that President Bush is to blame for this.

The FBI has asked that we not discuss this issue in any detail until they have been able to investigate further.

Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

Buckley F. Williams, Senior Editor

The Nose On Your Face

Alex Rodriguez’s decision to endorse the Red Sox’ castigation of his character this week had the desired effect of quieting a Boston team that apparently thought the Yankee third basemen was susceptible to high school baiting tactics. Baseball, for now, appears to be the focus in the New York and Boston camps. The important business of spring training is proceeding, as both teams try to turn question marks into exclamation points before the season opener.

Quiet time never lasts, though, when Curt Schilling is around. Like a gnat to a porch light on a humid summer night, the Red Sox pitcher and self-appointed spokesperson for, well, most everything, has moved center stage with his award-winning theatrics. Grab some popcorn and pull up a chair, folks. It’s time for The Ego and The Ankle, Part II.
If you hadn’t heard that Schilling donated the bloody sock from last year’s World Series to the Hall of Fame, yesterday’s bullpen session was further reminder that Superman has a bad wheel. Grimacing and frowning, changing baseball cleats, acting grumpy toward the press, Schilling was in his element. With an opening day showdown with Randy Johnson hanging in the balance, he would not commit to making the start. The greater Boston area is left to worry, pray, and take online polls about whether or not Schilling will rise to the ocassion. It creates a wonderful win-win-win situation for The Curtster: 1) He’s the center of attention for the next three weeks; 2) he can take the mound and beat Johnson, and Boston will overnight his nomination for sainthood to the Vatican 3) Lose? Run his hands through his hair, shrug at God, and limp gingerly from the field to a tearful standing ovation.

Pitch? You bet he will.

It’s all carefully calculated by a man who understands his consumers with razor-like focus. He sells a brand image of dogged perseverence, one that most people desperately want to see in themselves. He’s been focus-grouped and packaged perfectly.

After 9/11, Curt Schilling took out an ad in major newspapers to support the firemen who had died and the troops who were about to go into harm’s way. At best, a curious but endearing move; at worst, an opportunistic attempt to align himself with everyday heroes, the folks who risk their lives for the rest of us. Which begs this question: if heroism is about risk-taking, why does Curt Schilling’s brand of heroism come without risk?

Famed chef and TV personality Emeril Lagasse has drawn the ire of anti-gun groups over the use of his trademark catchphrase, “Bam!” TNOYF has received credible reports that the ACLU will be filing a lawsuit on behalf of these groups against Mr. Lagasse citing the “zero tolerance” policies that many schools employ as a precedent for the suit.

“Guns don’t kill people, TV hosts who make gun noises kill people,” said ACLU spokesman Drab Futar. “Mr. Lagasse has the audacity to go on national television and make money with this violent, gun-related language? My clients have had their feelings hurt because of Mr. Lagasse’s wanton disregard for human life. And as we all know, when feelings get hurt, you have to pay. Cash money.”

The lawsuit seeks the following:

• Change of the catchphrase “Bam!” to either “Bunny Hugs!” or “Snuggle!”
• Lagasse’s participation in public service announcements denouncing: guns, gun owners, fake guns, invisible guns, people named Gunther and those sticks that sort of look like guns that little boys pretend are guns
• 50 million dollars in punitive damages
• Mr. Lagasse’s recipe for Chilean Sea Bass
• The standard acknowledgment of the ACLU’s bravery for filing this suit
• Mr. Lagasse to write “I am sorry,” 5,000 times

Mr. Lagasse was unavailable for comment as he was busy working and otherwise being a productive member of society.

When you think of San Francisco many things come to mind. Rice-a-Roni. Men marching in thongs. A thriving homeless population. Well, the “Golden Gate City” can now add “inter-species marriage” to that list.

The aptly named “Puppy Love Resolution” goes into effect immediately and currently pertains only to mammals. However, several reptile rights groups are seeking to expand the resolution’s scope to include cold-blooded animals as well.

“This is a huge step towards rebuilding the bonds between the human and animal communities that were so severely damaged by the Bush administration ,” said Mayor Gavin Newsom. TNOYF believes that this comment was specifically aimed at Bush’s recent “Operation Drop Dumbo” policy.

San Francisco is believed to be the first city to legalize inter-species marriage although there were reports of PETA members and animals inter-marrying on the outskirts of South Park, Colorado late last year.

Newsome went on to describe the resolution as “progressive”, “inclusive” and “any other liberal buzzword you can think of.”

The city council has already announced that “gender confused”  married animals will be allowed to receive sex change operations at the taxpayers expense.

Newsmax.com recently reported that “The British Royal Navy has announced a drive to recruit gays and lesbians” due to sagging enlistment and pressure from various activist groups.

Sir Winston Churchill once said of naval tradition, “It’s nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.” A Royal Navy spokesman told TNOYF that Churchill was “bloody well on to something and we’d be ruddy fools not to heed his words.”

TNOYF’s Clairvoyant Expert was unable to reach Sir Winston Churchill for comment, but he did detect what he described as a “rolling over noise” emanating from his grave.

As part of their new incentive plan, recruiters are now able to offer unlimited access to gladiator movies and show tunes while at sea.

The Royal Navy has already inked a deal with Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum, and negotiations are “moving forward” with Meatcannon.com.

As I watched Barry Bonds’ press conference today, I thought of the scene from the original Frankenstein movie when the monster first breaks free of his restraints. Raging madly, staggering about, Frankenstein flails desperately at the laboratory lights while everyone stares in horror.

Barry Bonds had his Frankenstein moment today. Confronted by those who created him, he held court defiantly. And, while actual words came from his mouth, it may as well have been the same incoherent, gutteral gibberish of Frankenstein.

That Bonds used steroids is not really a question, at least for most two-legged primates on planet Earth. So today’s press conference was a seminal moment of denial and embarassment for a man many feel is the best baseball player of all time. Sadly, Barry Bonds served notice that he will deny these charges forever, evidence be damned.

But there was a silver lining, a reason to wonder and hope. Hidden by the uncomfortable body language, tucked behind the caustic tone, there was a moment of clarity and honesty. Perhaps a plea for help. Maybe you missed it, but it was there.

“I don’t know what cheating is,” said Barry Bonds.

Stunningly, this could be true. Barry Bonds may be so irretrievably detached, so deeply deluded, so ravenously addicted to fame and obsessed with his place in history that he truly believes- no, KNOWS– that the rules are different for him. It’s quite possible that Barry Bonds has simply lost his objectivity, and his mind.

So we cover our eyes– but watch between splayed fingers, aghast and fascinated. Barry Bonds will give us what we want– a new homerun champion. Around water coolers and bar stools, we’ll talk about Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron. We’ll manage our schedule to make sure we’re able to watch TV the week he breaks the record. And when it’s over, after Bonds gives us our moment, we’ll go back to debating about asterixes and cheating. Barry Bonds will cease to be useful to us.

“What do you think of Alex Rodriguez?”

“Payrod? I hate him.”

“Why?”

“He makes too much money!”

“Don’t all baseball players make too much money?”

“No. The Red Sox are all struggling and underpaid. They don’t take limos like the Yankees!”

“Uh, most of the Red Sox are millionaires. And they do take limos.”

“But not the big stretch limos that Payrod takes! Talk about being pompous!”

“OK. Anything else?”

“Well, the most obvious. When Slappy slapped the ball out of Arroyo’s hand! He cheated!”

“Uh, well, he didn’t get away with it, so he really didn’t cheat.”

“But he tried to! It was the worst thing ever! He could have hurt Bronson! Schill said it, so it must be true!”

“Well, technically, he could have run Arroyo over.”

“He could have?”

“Yep. Says it right in the rules.”

“But he SLAPPED him! I hate him! He’s an over-paid, limo-riding slapper!”

“You’re spitting on me.”

“ARod spits too! He’s an over-paid slapper spitter! And then he stands on second base and acts like he didn’t do anything! What a faker!”

“Sort of like when the catcher moves his glove over to try and get a strike? Or when a runner on second base steals a signal? Or when an outfielder traps a ball and holds it up like he caught it?”

“Yeah. I mean, NO! It’s different. It’s like Pete Rose betting on baseball! It disgraced our national past time! Freakin Rich Slappy Limo Boy!”

“OK. What about the fact that the Red Sox were trying to trade for ARod last year?”

“We never wanted him.”

“You didn’t?”

“Nope. No one did. We were just playing along.”

“You sure? The deal was almost done. Boston was positively giddy at the prospect.”

“Nope. All an act. We didn’t want him.”

“But the quotes in the paper…”

“LA LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LA LA LA LA”

“OK. Let’s move on. Anything tangible you can give me about ARod that makes you hate him so?”

“The purple lip gloss.”

“You sure he was wearing lip gloss?”

“Yep. Millar said so. I hate that lip-gloss wearing, limo-riding, overpaid cheating pitcher-slapper!”

“Thanks for your time.”

The French news daily, Soupe de Lache has confirmed that France has surrendered unconditionally to Bill O’Reilly of the FOX News Channel. O’Reilly , known for his in-your-face style in his “No Spin Zone”, had recently called for a reinstatement of his boycott on France and all things French. This move was met with what the German’s call “blitzübergabe” or “lightning surrender.”

O’Reilly had this to say, “The surrender came as a surprise to me only in the sense that I was surprised it didn’t happen immediately after the first boycott. This is one tough government. For the French.”  O’Reilly went on to call the French “pinheads” and ranted about “too much damn cheese.” However, he did give our TNOYF correspondent the last word. Unfortunately our correspondent was unable to use the last word to tell Mr. O’Reilly where he was going wrong.

Soupe de Lache ran these excerpts from former French President Jacques Chirac’s speech to the French people :

“My fellow countrymen, it is with a heavy heart and a very expressive face that I stand before you today. At 8:30 am this morning the noble and proud country of France surrendered to the American barbarian Bill O’Reilly. We had no choice. He yells so loudly on his show that there was no telling what he would do if really provoked. We hung on as long as we could.”

O’Reilly leaves for France on Thursday to accept the keys to the country and tour the ruins of Euro-Disney.

Shocking documents have been revealed to TNOYF that show that former presidential candidate John Kerry did in fact have a plan regarding the Iraq War. And what a plan it was. In a TNOYF exclusive report we have discovered that Kerry’s plan, far from being too ‘nuanced’ or even ‘non-existent’ as many Republicans claimed,  was in fact very straightforward and results oriented.

This plan had just one component and it is a stunningly simple yet clear one:

• paint the word “war” on the bottom of STOP signs

Several top military experts we contacted strongly felt that this plan, if implemented on a world-wide basis, with the right colored paint (white with an eggshell finish) could in fact have ended not just the Iraq War, but all war.

“What were they thinking? The decision to not go public with this demonstrates yet again that Kerry’s handlers were giving him horrible advice. This could have changed the course of the election…no, the course of history!!! ” opined political guru Dick Morris .

One top Bush administration official was visibly stunned by these findings and had this to say, “I am visibly stunned by these findings.”

TNOYF’s sources tell us that Kerry’s plan had apparently reached the implementation phase in certain parts of the country.

(Thanks to The Mudville Gazette.)

To our valued readers:

We here at The Nose On Your Face strive to bring you the most timely, honest and accurate fake news available outside of the mainstream media. Although we have only been in existence 7 days, to us it feels more like 8 or 9.

However, for as long as we are around- 7, 12, or even infinity days- our crack reporting staff will continue to scour the globe to make up the stories you need to hear about to stay informed in our ever-changing and fast-paced world.  This is our promise to you.

Take a look at what some of our readers are saying about our site on our 1-week anniversary ( In the interest of anonymity, last names have been omitted):

• “I don’t know who you people are, but you have been ‘out-scooping’ me all week. How do you make this stuff up so fast?” Dan R., network anchorman
• “This stuff is made up? For reals?” Paris H., skank
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In their neverending quest to protect the civil liberties of all Americans who are not Christian, white, male or middle-class, the ACLU has announced that they will file a lawsuit against Church’s Chicken citing a little-known constitutional amendment that deals with freedom of religious expression in the food industry.

“This is as appalling and flagrant a violation of the ’separation of church and plate’ clause that I have ever been witness to and I for one am outraged, ” blazed ACLU spokesperson Drab Futar  at a press conference held on Thursday morning. 

The suit seeks:

• $50 million in damages
• A general feeling of shame
• Time-outs for all Church’s board members
• Acknowledgement of the bravery it took for the ACLU to file this suit
• Seizure of all files (including their secret recipe)

A TNOYF constitutional expert opined that it is “not unusual for files to be seized in cases like these.” Apparently the information found on them will be plugged into the ACLU databank and examined for any links to the “vast right-wing conspiracy”.

There are no  lawsuits  currently planned against either Burka King or McIntifada’s.

In what many are calling the first substantial environmental policy of his administration, President Bush has called for a comprehensive, preemptive strike against all endangered species of animals.

The mission entitled, “Operation Drop Dumbo” , is being carried out, ironically enough, by teams of Navy SEAL’s.

“The spotted owl, the fur seal… the whole shebang. The kid gloves are finally off,” stated one visibly giddy SEAL commander.

Calls to several top environmental activists were not returned as of noon, but their parents did all promise to give them the messages when they woke up.

When asked about the reasons for this new initiative President Bush replied, “As you all know Republicans hate animals and the environment. I thought it was high time that our policies reflected these hatreds. I have the political capital to push this forward and I intend to use it.”

President Bush was evasive when asked about other major policy initiatives for his second term but did state that “if I was gay or a Frenchman I wouldn’t be sleeping too soundly just now.”

Note: Added to Monday’s Beltway Traffic Jam.

Curt Schilling’s diarrhea of the mouth is apparently contagious.

Trot Nixon yesterday joined Boston’s gleeful Alex Rodriguez pile-on, claiming that he does not believe Rodriguez is “the Yankee type.” He then meekly veiled the character assault in a back-handed compliment to Jorge Posada, Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams, players Nixon felt reflected what “Yankee-ness” is about.

If we are to believe this, Nixon is a highly sought-after consultant on matters pertaining to Yankee character. But one has to wonder why Nixon would join the monotonous drone of uninspired, groundless, anti-Rodriguez diatribes that emanate from Boston nearly everyday. Granted, these are the Red Sox–where playing to the fan base is a membership requirement, and those who can stoke the flames of Yankee hatred are especially revered—but Nixon had been one of the more grounded personalities in a stable of image-conscious frat boys.

So we’re left to ponder– why is Nixon calling Rodriguez out?

Nixon’s biggest claim to fame (until he decided yesterday to hitch a ride on Rodriguez’s star) was that he was the Red Sox Minor League Player of the year in 1997. His work ethic, hustle, and everyday guy frumpiness made him a fan favorite, overshadowing his less than spectacular development as a player after the Red Sox made him a first round draft choice in 1993. In other words, Trot Nixon is dealing with the realities of missed expectations and unfulfilled dreams, of the “can’t miss kid” never getting past serviceable right fielder. Perhaps the best is yet to come for Nixon, but it’s not a bet that many would take.

In a case like Nixon’s, as the sad truth about potential is realized, a player often tries to redefine themselves. Words like gritty, leader and hustle are desperately bandied about. And in the most extreme cases, they lash out at the superstars who have fulfilled their dreams, for whom the game looks easy. Guys like Alex Rodriguez.

One day long ago, Trot Nixon thought he was going to be just like Alex Rodriguez. The world was his oyster. Instead, Nixon is a solid, oft-injured player, a guy whose pear-shaped body might be breaking down on him prematurely. Rather than being known for batting titles, Trot Nixon is known as the guy who tossed a ball to a fan when there were only two outs. It’s a steep fall.

Envy is a nasty, vicious animal. It makes people say and do embarrassing things. Witness Nixon, who makes $4.5 Million dollars a year, yesterday referring derisively to Rodriguez’s limo. You have to almost fight the impulse to pass the hat for Trot.

But lost in all this silliness is this: After winning the World Series, one would hope that the Red Sox would stop defining themselves in contrast to the Yankees, and finally stand on their own merit. Unfortunately, from what we’ve seen from Boston so far this spring, that habit is hard to break.