(UPI) In an unprecedented move, the Federal Government has decided to detain and register any Americans who believe Barry Bonds never knowingly used steroids.
“We’ve never seen mass delusion on this scale,” said Government Agent Fred Smith. “When people are this gullible, it’s dangerous for our country.”
The government has posted a hotline- 1-800-BIGLIAR, and a website, BIGLIAR.COM, where Americans can anonymously report a Bonds Believer, without fear of repercussion.
“We need to monitor these people,” Smith continued. “They are the type who buy wrist watches off the street and vacation homes in the Caribbean without seeing them first. They hurt our economy.”
Bonds Believers are restrained and taken into custody. They are finger printed, and then subjected to a battery of mental tests. They are then tagged and released.
Is there hope for them?
“Hard to say,” said Smith. “I don’t know if rehabilitation is possible. Some of them are so far gone– they just are so smitten with the guy that they’d believe anything he says. They don’t even know what they are saying half the time.”

UPI) The Yankees were warned about Randy Johnson’s temper, so yesterday morning’s incident with a CBS cameraman, while unfortunate, was probably not surprising. But no one could have predicted the ensuing path of destruction that Johnson has carved through Manhattan. By day’s end, the once future Hall of Famer was on the lam with a hostage in a 69 Pontiac and being pursued by the FBI and local police.

Like a drunk on a bender, it seems Johnson snapped after the camera incident and is pursuing a personal orgy of mayhem and destruction. Hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage has been reported. Where it ends, no one can be quite sure.

“We’re shocked,” said Brian Cashman. “But we still hope to have Randy ready for spring training. We don’t have a roster spot for the hostage, however.”

After the camera incident, according to Yankee security, Johnson changed.

“He had this weird light in his eyes,” said Yankee Director of Security Jerry Laveroni. “He was talking a lot, going on about Satan and his soul. I just thought it was Randy being Randy.”
After being asked to disrobe for his physical, doctors and nurses came back into the examination room to find a horrifying site.

“He was squatting on the table, which is amazing given how tall he is,” said a distraught nurse who asked not to be identified. “And he was defecating. It was horrible. He was laughing while he did it and chanting something in…I think it was Turkish.”

Johnson then rampaged through the hospital in an un-tied hospital gown, in the process pushing patients, and biting several small children.

After finding his way to the street, Johnson overturned several vendor carts as pedestrians scattered. Police called to the scene tried to talk to Johnson but his rage continued.

Police lost track of Johnson when he darted into a subway, where he quickly blended in with all the other hospital-gown wearing lunatics.

A report from Northern NJ several hours later had Johnson identified as the driver of a 69 Pontiac headed west on Route 80. An unknown person was in the car with him. NJ Police were in pursuit, along with FBI helicopters.

“Sometimes these guys just need to let off some steam,” said Yankee manager Joe Torre. “I’m sure Randy will be back.”

Clearly annoyed by the attention Randy Johnson is getting for signing with the Yankees, Curt Schilling today held a press conference to announce that he will donate his spleen to science.

When it was pointed out to Schilling that no one has ever lived very long without a spleen, he replied, “I’ve done a lot of amazing things in my life, as you’ll see from the list I provided. Science needs more spleen research, and God told me that I should help.”

Schilling’s doctors, the same ones who used a bloody Boy Scout knot on his ankle ligament during last years World Series, were interested in giving the operation a shot. “It defies our years of training and the latest medical research,” said one doctor, reading from a script prepared by Schilling, “but if anyone can do it, Curt can.”

“Randy Johnson may want to pitch this year with all his internal organs,” Schilling continued. “But I challenge him right now to match me. It doesn’t have to be a spleen– a pancreas or gall bladder will do. But something important.”

Johnson was unavailable for comment.

(UP) Victoria’s Secret, looking to branch out into the male undergarment category, has signed David Ortiz as spokesperson for their new line of “Boy Booby Cups”.

“David Ortiz had a phenomenal year last year,” said Victoria’ Secret spokeswoman, Kathy Delaney. “He’s a very hot property right now. Plus, he’s got massive male knockers. He’s perfect for this new line.”

Ortiz was thrilled with the opportunity. “If it wasn’t for my ta-tas, I wouldn’t generate the power I need to hit the ball deep,” he said. “But when I’m away from the game, I like to keep my yabos reigned in a bit. Boy Booby Cups give me the support and lift I need. And they come in some fab colors.”

Boy Booby Cups will be available where fine male undergarments are sold.

“Baseball is the greatest topic of conversation America has produced,” wrote George Will. Jason Giambi has thrust himself front and center in that conversation, as America is both aghast and cynical about the revelations of steroid use in baseball. And while some appear to be supportive of the former MVP, it seems more are hoping that his slide from MVP to cheating, scandalous .250 hitter continues to a final destination of, perhaps, former baseball player/Gym owner.

If you can stomach the tragedy, tragic figures are fascinating. It’s a veritable Happy Meal of fame, self-destruction and regret. The final destination—regret–is the most excruciating. It is self-torture at it worst, insanity at its purest: the fallen hero sits alone in their own head, as the projector replays over and over again the moment when things went bad. Regret is a hungry, consuming parasite, the flesh-eating bacteria of all emotions. It is likely devouring murderer Scott Petersen right now. This is his true, deserved, punishment, and it will probably last 10 years. In his case, relief is provided only by death.

But for Jason Giambi, a good man who’s made a huge mistake, regret must fuel rehabilitation, not to survive as a baseball player, but to survive as Jason Giambi. His journey back does not begin in the weight room, it begins in the mirror.

I don’t fault Giambi for all the times he took steroids, just the first time. That’s when he very knowingly made a wrong decision. It’s a slippery slope after that. I’m sure the rationalizations took many forms: everyone else is doing it; I need this to be competitive; I’ll stop if it gets out of hand. Understood. But Giambi must own the first time. It’s his forever. And when he owns it like it’s a part of his DNA, that’s when he starts back.

Only time will provide proof for the skeptics, who will have every legitimate reason to laugh at any positive rhetoric that Giambi throws at us in spring training. Whatever the outcome, it will be a year that Giambi will always remember. Hitting a tumbling baseball traveling at 95 MPH is hard, but it will be a different challenge entirely when it’s attempted in front of 60,000 human beings who believe you betrayed them.

What does Giambi do? He once said this to The Sporting News…

“I don’t think there are many 11-year-olds taking batting practice for fun, but that’s what I did all the time. And I never went on summer vacation. I was always playing on a team, but I never felt like I was missing out. That was exactly what I wanted to do.”

Giambi must become a boy who loves baseball again. He needs to remember what it felt like to be 11, and what the game meant to him. And quietly, either on the bench or in the field, he needs to show that to us. He needs to accept the inevitable viciousness, doff his cap, and get cups of water for Tino Martinez. He needs to dive, he needs to crawl, he needs to charge the mound. The only thing that is important right now, is that Jason Giambi shows us who he truly is. Perhaps homeruns by the dozen will bring forgiveness from some. But for those with longer memories, those who’ve been forced to have awkward conversations with their teenage sons about steroids, more is required. We want Jason Giambi to show us he’s learned.

10. Kevin Millar was un-willing to give up pre-game alcohol binge
9. Winner of last year’s “First one to Slap a Yankee like a girl gets to be Captain” contest
8. Red Sox Management didn’t want to sit through another one of Curt Schilling’s “If it wasn’t for God” press conferences
7. Has critical “Special Olympics Hugger” experience management was looking for
6. Knows how to coax Johnny Damon into barber chair with Jolly Ranchers
5. Can speak convincingly to any of Manny Ramirez’s multiple personalities
4. Knows special “tuck-in” technique for David Ortiz on road trips
3. Beat the snot out of a bat-boy in final “full-contact” round of Captain Selection
2. Knows how to work locker room fire extinguisher

1. Players fell for his “Less Running/More Cake” Campaign Promise

In an unprecedented move to support their financially struggling back-up first baseman, the Red Sox announced yesterday that they would hold a bake sale on opening day to create a college fund for the children of Doug Mientkiewicz.

The Mientikiewicz’s situation came to light recently when it was revealed Doug was holding on to the ball he caught for the last out of the World Series “to put my kids through college.”

“People think baseball players make so much money,” said Mientkiewicz’s wife, Jody. “But there’s a lifestyle we have to keep up with. It’s quite challenging on $2.8 million dollars a year.”

In fact, Mientkiewicz was quick to point out that his 2004 salary of $2.8MM was just above the league average of $2.3MM. “So, when you think about it, if the average household income is $43,000, I’m only making $52,000 a year. I think it helps regular folks when I put like that.”

It certainly did. The immediate public outpouring for Mientkiewicz and his family in and around Boston has been overwhelming, as thousands of financially struggling taxi drivers, construction workers, and waitresses have sent money to the Red Sox.

“I just feel simpatico with the guy,” said one waitress we spoke to at a bustling diner near Fenway. “I’m worried about college for my kids too. Hey, if you see Doug, can you ask him what the deal is with his name? How you get “Men-ka-vich” out of Mientkiewicz is beyond me. It should be “Mient-ki-witz.”

The bake sale concept was a clear signal that Red Sox management understood Mientkiewicz’s plight.

“Do the math,” said Theo Epstein. “Doug has made $5.2MM in his career so far. After luxury cars, McMansions, boats, jewelry, bodyguards, publicists, therapists, and pet camp, you try to pay for college.”

So fans entering Fenway on Opening Day will be greeted with an array of tasty treats, many made by the players themselves. Rumors are that Manny Ramirez will contribute one of his famous “Chocolate Salsa Swirl” Pies. John Henry and his wife Kathy will serve the thousands of fans as they come in with aprons that say “Save Minky’s Kids”.

“I wish I could pay Doug more,” said an obviously emotional Henry. “I understand what he’s going through. You have tough choices to make when you’re making $2.8MM a year. Chauffeur or Spa Treatment? Dual Monogrammed Hummers or the summer house in Vail? And then college on top of it?”

“I’m not going to sell the ball for a few years, so the bake sale is perfectly timed,” said Mientkiewicz. “ I need a deposit for my fishing trip to Alaska.”

Jan 4:
In the middle of a possible breakthrough with Schilling on his chronic lying, I was paged with an urgent message concerning Millar: “Get to Fenway at once.”

The scene was chaos when I arrived. After getting through a gauntlet of emergency personnel, I made it to the field. The site was unnerving. Kevin had painted “Cowboy Up!” in three foot letters on the Green Monster and then duct taped himself to the wall. He was wailing:

“I don’t wanna gooooo to Toronto! It’s all the way in Michigan, dude! Cowboy Up! Go Sox!! You can’t trade me! Red Sox Nation won’t allow it! I promise to stop drinking before games! I’ll even hit better! I don’t wanna goooooooo….”

Police were trying to calm him down as they cut through the tape. I convinced the police to release him into my custody….more later….