A St. Cloud University student in a teacher-training program was forced to leave his position last month because he feared for the safety of his service dog, Emmit. Tyler Hurd, who suffers from epilepsy, employs the black labrador to save his life in case of a seizure. A Muslim student at the school threatened to kill the dog in accordance with the Islamic belief that dogs are dirty animals and should not be allowed in the presence of Muslims.

University representatives were vexed by the complexities of the case, but confident that Hurd made the right decision by leaving school.

“Whew, I have to say this is a tough one,” said SCU student relations director David Vetter. “Now, code 54 bylaw 1.74b of the university’s charter clearly states that angry, offended Muslims trump all other groups. There’s no wiggle room there. However, an epileptic with a service dog could possibly get preferential treatment under code 71 bylaw 3.43j if he were to have a minimum of three of the top five other victimization criteria. Just off the top of my head, he would have to be any combination of transgendered, HIV-positive, an atheist, dyslexic, or related to Al Sharpton. And even then it’s really iffy. Without those factors though, there is no chance for an appeal. The rules are not vague here; the homicidal Muslim angle is almost impossible to beat. If I were a betting man, I’d put it all against the shaky kid with the dog in this case.”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals seemed unsure of how to proceed as well.

“Well, we certainly frown upon death threats against animals,” said PETA spokesman Wendy Dillenbeck. “But rules are rules, and irate Islamists are at the top of the grievance chart in Western society at this particular point in time. The only way I see this case changing is if Emmit were to convert to Islam. Now that might throw a wrinkle in their plans.”

I had the opportunity to be interviewed a while ago by the cast of characters put together by Basil of the excellent Basil’s Blog.

Please be sure to check out the interview here.

When you’re done, stay awhile and sample his always amusing fare.

Michelle Malkin opines on the website “Stuff White People Like,” and wonders aloud if there’s potential in a website dedicated to Stuff Muslims Don’t Like.

To help, here’s TNOYF’s list of the Top 9 Things That Muslims Don’t Like.

9. That recurring nightmare where they are in front of a million screaming jihadists with an American flag and a box of damp matches.

8. When a cranky rotator cuff produces inaccurate, sidearm-hurling at stonings.

7. Matzo and Brisket Day in the jihadist cafeteria.

6. The inexplicable failure of consumer electronics companies to recognize the marketing opportunity for blood-resistant video cameras.

5. That dark day in history when, due to a bizarre genetic mutation and Allah’s sick sense of humor, women suddenly developed the ability to make sound.

4. Nosebleed end-zone seats at the soccer stadium for the weekly execution festival.

3. Landing gear.

2. Discovering that the peculiar odor in the house was an infidel head taken as a souvenir by your son and hidden beneath his not-so-secret stash of Camel Love Quarterly.

1. Spending several hours tracking the enticing sounds of an injured baby goat through a cave only to find it was that ventriloquist prankster, Abdul.

We are continuously stunned by the amount of fan mail we get from our readers. It is extremely flattering, and were we less-grounded people, we would surely start to get big heads from the kudos we receive.

Moreover, we are always encouraged to see that our readership abroad, the Netherlands in particular, continues to grow. Although we have never quite figured out the semantics of the whole Netherlands-Holland-Dutch thing, we have always loved the variety of ways in which they are able to refer to themselves.

Today’s letter is in response to one of our earlier articles (Sudanese Reaction To Mohammed Teddy Bear Reveals Ignorance About The Power Of The Mohammed Brand) and comes from a typical Dutchman, a Mr. Rami Yasin. I can almost see Mr. Yasin slipping off his wood shoes and putting on his handmade ice skates as he prepares to make figure eights on an idyllic Dutch pond. He writes:

You can draw,what ever fucking dame you want,
you can say what ever fucking dame you want,
you can think what ever fucking dame you want…”

Well, I for one am encouraged by Mr. Yasin’s strongly-held beliefs on personal freedom. I, too believe in these same exact things! I know if I keep digging, I’ll find a ton more that we have in common. And for the record, I choose Mary Katharine Ham. I know that “dame” is a bit of an archaic term, but who am I to judge Mr. Yasin’s culture? Besides, even though I don’t know Mary Katharine personally, she doesn’t seem like the type of person who would mind.

BUT…You cant face me,just that what I want from god. if we come face to face you well see what the fucking dame you deserve.

Oh. My God. I love to talk face-to-face too! E-mailing and texting are so impersonal. I smell a kindred spirit here! By the way, I can’t wait to see what dame I deserve. Oh, please let it be Mary Katherine! Oh, please let it be Mary Katherine!

I’m a muslem,I’m a MOHAMMED’s Soldier,

I’m a Christian, I was “Santa’s Little Helper” in my 3rd grade Christmas play! This is getting freaky.

I love him and all prophets as well as Jesuse
he is a human and he is my prophet too (my god wont and dont need to have a human child or any children because he is mighty over that all).

I love Jesus too! Only in my country we spell it without the last “e.” However, I’m a bit confused here. If your god “wont and dont need to have a human child,” then how come he was always dating them? That must be one of the “mysteries of Islam” I’ve heard so much about. I can’t wait to learn more!

But you fucking disgusting christian people you dont have nothing.
I’m not going to discuss any thing with you,

Now that’s not true at all. I got flowers in the spring. I got you to wear my ring. I got you to hold my hand. I got you to understand. I got you to walk with me. I got you to talk with me. See? If you take the time, you can learn a lot about a person. We aren’t so different after all. Except the part about your religion directing you to kill those who think differently than you. Oh, and the cruel and inhumane manner in which you treat women. Plus there’s that suicide bomber thingy. And the utter and total disdain for human life. Besides that, it’s like looking in a mirror.

yes İslam is a violent religion just for you,because thats what you deserve.

Just for me it’s violent? I suppose that will come as something of a surprise to the people in the World Trade Center, the soldiers aboard the USS Cole, the victims of the London and Madrid bombings, and the myriad of people killed or threatened with death right in Holland. You are quite the flatterer though! You almost had me there, you silver-tongued jihadist you!

Damen…I have too be more bad than that,to kile people like you.see you or your fuck cristian people…

Wow. Your god lets you swear a lot more than my god does. And for the record, it’s Buckley, not Damen.

in the armageddon war day at 2035..27 years left

Thanks for the heads up. You heard it here first everyone. Only 9,855 shopping days left until the Armageddon War Day.

Thanks again to Mr. Yasin for taking the time to write.

After remaining neutral during some of the most important conflicts over the past five centuries, Switzerland has finally come forward and taken a firm stance on an issue they feel is of paramount importance to not only their survival, but the survival of the world as we know it: vegetable rights.

Neutrality has been the official Swiss policy since 1516, enabling them to delicately “straddle the fence of history” as many in this mountainous country are fond of saying.

“It is not that we Swiss are afraid of conflict,” said Swiss parliamentarian Anton Di Fleur. “It’s just that nothing has occurred until now that we considered worthy of our attention and efforts. We heard that Hitler had killed some Jews, but that was all sorted out in short order, relatively speaking. The plight of the average citizen in the USSR during Soviet-era communism? Slightly moving, but hey, no one told them they had to stay there. But the vegetable. The innocent, harmless vegetable. Cultivated. Cared for. And then cruelly murdered and eaten. Future generations shall look back on our treatment of vegetables and no doubt consider it the most vile and wicked of betrayals that one group of sentient beings has perpetrated against another. ”

The Swiss have become so enamored of the cause, that they recently added a provision to their constitution that requires “account to be taken of the dignity of creation when handling animals, plants and other organisms.”

The significance of the Swiss declaration was not lost on progressive thinkers across the pond.

“This is such a postive thing that has occurred in Switzerland,” said Berkeley student and president of the campus chapter of the pro-choice group, ‘Abort! Abort! Abort!’, Chloe Heidenberg.  ”Standing up for the dignity of vegetables, Terry Schiavo notwithstanding of course, is something that is long overdo.” 

Di Fleur went on to say that although this a notable accomplishment, there is still much work to be done.

“Yes, this is unmistakably a victory for the equal rights of all living things, but it is but one battle in a much larger war. I can only hope that this paves the way for even larger causes. Take viruses for example. It concerns me deeply that the systematic killing of a group of living things has been so callously and enthusiastically accepted, nay, sanctioned, by entire groups of people and governments. We clearly have more work to do.” 

A leading Democratic operative has revealed to a TNOYF reporter that Marty Parrish, the former Biden campaign office manager who asked John McCain if he had ever called his wife a c*nt at a Townhall meeting, was carefully screened and selected by DNC Chairman Howard Dean for the important kamikaze mission.

“Look, there’s a vetting process for these types of things,” said the operative. “We don’t just pick anyone. We look for someone who’s got that perfect blend of personal failure, thirst for fame, and all-around lameness. When we discovered Marty’s Windows profile page, we realized we’d found the perfect man-child. I mean, what 45 year old lists that they were President of their High School Student Council in 10th grade? Or that they were Cadet Commander of the Civil Air Patrol when they were 13 years old? Or includes pictures of himself singing karaoke, and acting in local hack productions of Godspell? It was a goldmine.”

TNOYF has obtained a copy of the new manifesto which has been created as part of a cooperative effort by several moderate Muslim groups. These groups have grown tired of Islam being taken over by extremists, and are attempting to show the world that theirs truly is a religion of peace.

“We, the moderate Muslims of the world have sat by for far too long and watched as our great religion has been hijacked by those who have committed horrendous acts in Islam’s name. Rapes, murders, and worse have been committed by those purporting to do Allah’s will. But no more. From this day forth, the following commandments shall be the guidelines that all true, peaceful Muslims live by:”

• Genital mutilation is no longer acceptable. There is no place in modern Islam for this barbaric practice. If you find your whore to be acting in a randy manner, seven firm kicks to the labia will suffice.
• Suicide bombings can no longer be condoned by anyone calling themselves a Muslim. If you have been provoked, insulted, or are just having a bad day and you have need to blow up infidels, please make sure you do not call yourself a Muslim.
• Stonings are to be used only in extreme situations such as when one of your wives has acted in an insolent way, or if your local merchant has run out of your favorite tea. In all other instances, if you feel the need to show your extreme displeasure with someone, invite them to a “Howie Mandel Movie Marathon” at your local theater.
• The wearing of burkas is degrading to females and is no longer allowed. When in public, women will now have the option to wear either Groucho glasses or a Bigfoot costume with a clown nose.
• Beheadings are hereby strongly discouraged. Common decency dictates that if you must take your sword to someone’s head for having different beliefs than you, the least you can do is leave it connected on one side by a skin flap.
• Chants of ‘”Death to America”, “Death to Israel” and the like are also discouraged. However, chants of “Large amounts of discomfort to… (fill in the oppressive Western nation)” are still highly recommended.
• Violent street protests are also discouraged. We realize that this may hurt business at all “Farook’s House of Flags and Effigies” chain stores, but we must be willing to reach across the aisle, so to speak.
• Women are to be granted a full complement of rights, provided that these are given as follow-ups to lefts.
• “The Arab Street” will now be known as “Wysteria Lane.” We feel this softer language is more in line with our new image.
• On the media front; we will not renewing our contracts with either CNN or the AP due to their extreme anti-American biases. We have decided instead to re-up with Al Jazeera as they have a demonstrably more pro-Western stance.
• Wahabbism is no more. Wasabbism, a tangier, more delicious school of thought, shall take it’s place.

9. “Okay. Two tickets to Les Mis for the person that comes up with the most creative way to tie this to the Bush administration. We’re talking front row loge seats here people, let’s move!”

8. “Hey, I’ve got an idea for a headline! How about, ‘Obama’s Pastor Falls Victim To Vast Wright Wing Conspiracy‘. See what I did there? I spelled Wright with a ‘w’ instead of an ‘r’.”

7. “Alright people. Let’s ask ourselves, ‘What would Jayson Blair do?’”

6. “I haven’t checked the wire in about ten minutes. Is Obama defending, condemning, or offering Wright a cabinet position now?”

5. “I think what would really finish this piece nicely is a Kanye West quote.”

4. “How’s this for an opening on the Wright piece? ‘April is on track to become the bloodiest month in Iraq for U.S. troops since they began their illegal occupation’?”

3. “‘April is on track to become the bloodiest month in Iraq for U.S. troops since they began their illegal occupation.’ Damn fine intro. It captures the essence of the Obama-Wright falling out very succinctly. Does anyone else smell a Pulitzer?”

2. “A guy that my husband works with told him that he heard it from a cousin that a woman that she knows has a friend who read on a blog that John McCain once had a tryst with Cher.”

1. “Which word do you think captures our utter lack of surprise at Wright’s multiple and well-documented inflammatory, racist, anti-American statements more: shocked, stunned, or flabbergasted?”

Hollywood icon Harrison Ford is currently appearing in an Internet video having his chest waxed. Ford, the star of such blockbuster franchises as Star Wars and Indiana Jones, decided to undergo the painful procedure as a way of demonstrating the pain that the Earth feels when deforestation occurs.

Too often celebrities are chastised by conservative pundits, radio hosts (see Laura Ingraham’s “Shut Up And Sing!“), or bloggers for not “putting their money where their mouth is.” We at TNOYF applaud Mr. Ford for taking a stand, and hope that other stars will follow suit.

Following are other noteworthy causes with our suggestions for celebrity activism.

9. Staple individual slices of Kraft cheese to a handcuffed Sean Penn and then unleash 1,000 Norway Rats to commemorate the spread of the bubonic plague in the late 1300s.

8. Cut out Barbara Streisand’s tongue to symbolize her unity with oppressed women in the Middle East.

7. Burn Oliver Stone’s books, impound his homes and vehicles, confiscate his money, and throw him in jail with no legal representation to show his unity with the plight of the much-maligned former Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

6. Program robots to perform painful anal probes on Nancy Pelosi to draw attention to discriminatory practices against illegal aliens.

5. Have Michael Moore’s core temperature raised to 147 degrees to symbolize the dramatic impact that global warming has had on the planet.

4. Perform a lobotomy on Reverend Jeremiah Wright to once and for all end the question over neurological differences between blacks and whites.

3. Cover Geraldo Rivera in brightly-colored papier-mache` and hang him from a tree near a group of stick-wielding juvenile delinquents to show support for the plight of undocumented immigrants.

2. Have the cast of The View hold a “Be A Baby Fur Seal For A Day” telethon during which they take turns clubbing each other to show support for the lovable aquatic mammals.

1. Feed Danny Glover to grey wolves to celebrate the carnivore’s return to prominence in the western United States due to the tireless efforts of animal rights activists.

Girl On the Right is posting saucy photos for every $100 she raises for the troops. Not to be outdone, Islamic Rage Boy is being forced has offered to post revealing photos of his own in exchange for additional sales of merchandise to help support the Canadian bloggers being sued by Richard Warman.

Since we’ve already cleared about $150 in profits for donation, here’s the first photo…

More to follow when we clear $200….

UPDATE: Islamic Rage Boy is now signing photos for infidels who purchase Islamic Rage Boy gear today. After you place your purchase , send an email to potfry@gmail.com with your name. Islamic Rage Boy will then send you a photo with a personalized death threat greeting via email (disclaimer: The Nose On Your Face is not responsible for the content of Islamic Rage Boy’s greetings). Below are autographed photos that have been sent to Kathy Shaidle at Five Feet Of Fury, Kate McMillan at Small Dead Animals, Ezra Levant, Connie and Mark at Free Dominion, Girl On The Right, and a special photo for Richard Warman are shown here.

New polling data reveals that Republican presidential candidate John McCain’s “luck quotient”, or “LQ”, has skyrocketed of late, and that he now only lags behind Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner (Go ahead. Subscribe here. You know you want to.) as the most fortunate senior citizen alive today. The study, conducted by the AARP, was released earlier this week.

“When we luck at a person’s LQ we take many things into consideration,” said Jack Murphy, the designer of the study. “Obviously we look at the number of good things that has happened to the individual. We also look closely at the quality of the good fortune in each instance. When we totaled all of these factors up, Senator McCain was found to have an LQ of 198. To put that into perspective, Hugh Hefner has an LQ of 227, while Arthur Sanderson, an octogenarian with dementia from Burlington, Vermont who became lost in the woods and was eaten by feral cats, had an LQ of 3.”

McCain’s string of good fortune was not lost on one veteran senior watcher.

“This guy must have shamrocks for nipples and a horseshoe for a spleen,” said firebrand senior citizen pundit Buford ‘I Remember When Gas was 1/10 Cent Per Gallon’ Jackson. “First he rises from the dead and despite looking like Gollum with advanced leprosy manages to somehow slip through the Republican nomination process. Then he gets to watch Obama and Clinton whack the hell out of each other for the better part of the past year while he sits back, sips tea and bones up on ‘Conservatism For Dummies’. I’m not a betting man, but if I were I’d say that Senator McRabbit-Foot there might want to schedule in ‘Bingo Night’ at his church before his luck changes.”