As the healthcare debate continues to heat up, increasingly desperate Democrats are resorting to more and more bizarre measures to ensure the bill’s final passage.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has just released a statement that she is prepared to use the so-called “Coliseum Rule” to get healthcare reform passed quickly.

According to Pelosi the Coliseum Rule, which many parliamentarians say does not actually exist, allows for “the majority party with a speaker of the house whose name rhymes with Fancy Belosi, to feed their opposition to the lions.” 

“I know Republicans are trying to convince the American people that the Coliseum Rule does not exist,” said a slightly more bewildered looking than usual Pelosi, “but that’s obviously not the case. The American people can see through these tricks.”

President Obama weighed in on the situation by noting that he “won the election” and that “Republicans should take their lion-eatings like men.”

Republicans were nonplussed.

“It looks as though they’re prepared to go bibilical,” said Republican spokesman Brian Ploughton. “This just shows their desperation. And since Eric Massa has stepped down, that leaves Barney Frank as the only Congressional Democrat with a Roman Legionnaire’s uniform. I can only assume he’ll lead the proceedings.”

“I did nothing sexual,” says the former current former New York representative.

Meanwhile, what happens in the congressional gym apparently doesn’t stay in the congressional gym.

Excitement flowed over the internet earlier this week on the news that Pakistani authorities had captured infamous American-born Al Qaeda spokesman Adam Gadahn. However,  that excitement quickly turned to disappointment when those same Pakistani officials realized that it was in fact a lost and disoriented Gary Busey who had been detained.

“I admit I am very embarrassed by this situation,” said Pakistani Army spokesman Captain Malik Bashir. “Mostly because this isn’t the first time this has happened to us. However, it has been a couple of years since we’ve had a Busey incident. I sort of thought he finally had his s*** together.”

According to Bashir, in this most recent run-in, the visibly intoxicated actor was seen wandering through the Hindukush Mountain range clad in nothing but a “Choose Life” t-shirt, hip waders, and Groucho glasses.

“My unit was first on the scene,” recalls Bashir. “I made the Gadahn call, but I should have been more cautious; I know the guy for Allah’s sake! It must have been the Groucho glasses.”

A spokesman for the actor would neither confirm nor deny the allegations, but did allow that he is in fact a “huge Wham! guy” who has been known to occasionally “wander through deadly Islamist mountain strongholds in hip-waders.”

Angie the anti-theist recently live-tweeted her abortion. After hours of painstaking research, we were able to successfully translate her commentary, which we present here, uninterrupted.

French citizens poured into the streets yesterday to celebrate the country’s first military victory in centuries, a naval thrashing of a gang of pesky Somali pirates in the Indian Ocean this week.

“First the pirates, then the power rangers!” cried Albert Bellenger, a reference to France’s other long-term nemesis, whose deft use of Dino Gems and ThunderMax Sabers have long befuddled the Gallic people.

France’s war record now stands at 2-13-2.

News today that NY Rep Eric Massa, who this week denied sexual harassment allegations by a male staffer by calling himself a “salty old sailor,” will resign.

Al Gore emerged from his hole today and treated us to fresh new defense of global warming. In honor, we are re-posting this
“Al Gore’s Footprints In The Sand” poem from a couple years ago.  We believe it still stands up.

One night Al Gore had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

This dream interrupted his dream about the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden,
so he was quite agitated as he tried to keep pace with the LORD on the beach.

Anyway, across the sky flashed scenes from Al’s life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
a massive heart attack while giving a speech at a Denny’s
to the six remaining believers in global warming in 2017,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints, and they were very deep in the sand.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it.

“Well,” said Al, “this confirms my suspicions about organized religion. The delusion, the abandonment-“

The LORD replied:
“Shut your pie-hole, fat boy.
During the times when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I was carrying your sorry, whining lard-ass. My quads are still sore.”

Al Gore then pointed to some large, black oily footprints.
“What’s that?” he asked.

God replied,
“Those are your carbon footprints, ninny.
While you were lecturing the world about global warming,
that ozone-eating compound you call a home was glowing
so brightly we could see if from Heaven.”

“Huh,” said Al Gore, squeezing his eyes shut in an effort to return to the pasta bowl dream.

God said,
“We’re not done, Nancy-boy. Do you see up ahead, where there’s a large indentation alongside my footprints?”

“Yes,” replied Al Gore. “What’s that?”

“That’s when I fell over laughing when you said you invented the internet, Einstein.”

“And why are my footprints in a circle over there?”

“Election of 2000,” replied God.

“LORD,” said Al Gore, “you have shown me much in this dream. And I see that some of my decisions and choices have been ill-advised. What can I do to change?”

“Simple,” replied the LORD, smiling. “Just. Shut. Up.”

Click image for poster version

Yet more photographic evidence of Tilikum’s ties to Republican causes.  The above photo shows Republican operatives successfully shutting down the Miami-Dade County recount during the 2000 Presidential election.  Identities are listed below.  See our previous posts on this here and here.

1. Tom Pyle, policy analyst, office of House Majority Whip Tom DeLay (R-Tex.).

2. Garry Malphrus, majority chief counsel and staff director, House Judiciary subcommittee on criminal justice.

3. Rory Cooper, political division staff member at the National Republican Congressional Committee.

4. Kevin Smith, former House Republican conference analyst and more recently of Voter.com.

5. Steven Brophy, former aide to Sen. Fred D. Thompson (R-Tenn.), now working at the consulting firm KPMG.

6. Matt Schlapp, former chief of staff for Rep. Todd Tiahrt (R-Kan.), now on the Bush campaign staff in Austin.

7. Roger Morse, aide to Rep. Van Hilleary (R-Tenn.).

8. Duane Gibson, aide to Chairman Don Young (R-Alaska) of the House Resources Committee.

9. Chuck Royal, legislative assistant to Rep. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.).

10. Layna McConkey, former legislative assistant to former Rep. Jim Ross Lightfoot (R-Iowa) now at Steelman Health Strategies.

11. Tilikum, Killer Whale, Sea World (R-Fla.)

If Mr. Boehlert can extrapolate that we joked about a killed whale trainer, we submit that he wants to rape us.  Anally. As for the baseball cards, we’re not totally sure, but let’s not let facts get in the way.

Mr. Boehlert, keep your penis away from our sphincters!

Update: Our psychic counselor tells us that Mr. Boehlert does not in fact wish to steal our baseball cards. However, he does still wish to rape us. Anally. While we wear berets. With no mood music.

Update II: We don’t like berets. Or anal rape. But we are both big fans of mood music. Potfry enjoys the soothing, calming sounds of Enya, while I prefer the enchanting melodies of a certain Al Green.

Update III: Eric Boehlert just sent me a Pajamagram.

Update IV: Potfry is SO jealous.

Update V: I hope he’s bringing the berets cause I can’t find mine.  I like to be prepared for these things.

Update VI: What are you supposed to wear for an anal raping?  Please leave suggestions.

Update VII: I like Yahtzee.

Update VIII: Ya think he’ll bring George Soros?

Every once in a while, someone drops a post of staggering beauty.

Read it.  Then read it again, and we pray you grasp the folly of permanent solutions to temporary problems.

My boss, Buckley, allows me one sentimental journey a year.

We now return you to normal TNOYF programming.